Yet Again Still Even More Fragments!
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Up to number six on the ADHD counter of random ideas. Enjoy!
1. A long walk 1

**Disclaimer: None of the characters or intellectual property used belongs to anyone but their original creators and I am making no money off this... which kinda sucks.**

**A long walk 1**

The First had won.

Everything had seemed to be going their way, Willow had activated all the Slayers and Spike had used the amulet Angel had given them to destroy the army of prehistoric vamps. Unfortunately that had all turned out to be part of the First's plan, which it was now gloating over.

The First turned to face the four remaining Scoobies as they stood on the roof of the High School and demons poured out of the Hellmouth below them, the amulet that fried the vampire army having ripped it wide open. Taking the form of their hated former principal Snyder, the First sneered. "It's all over but the screaming," he said cheerfully. "The amulet's forced open the Hellmouth and the activation of all the slayers has created an imbalance that won't allow it to be closed again."

"Good choice of character to taunt us with," Xander complimented the First.

"Thank you," the First said, surprised Xander was so calm and accepting about things. "Shouldn't you be angry?"

Xander shrugged. "We beat the odds so many times, it was bound to happen eventually. Besides, I get to die surrounded by people I love. I can think of a lot worse ways to go."

"Like dying a virgin," Dawn said, turning to Xander. "Take off your pants, please."

"Dawn!" Buffy complained.

The First made a face. "I really don't need to see you two do that. I'll taunt you later," he said vanishing.

"Ah, that was a good way to get us some privacy to plan, good work," Buffy complimented her younger sister.

Dawn reached for Xander's belt and started to undo it.

"Hey!" Xander complained.

"You said if the world was going to end you'd fuck me," Dawn told Xander.

"What?!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Did you just quote Dogma at me?" Xander asked with a grin.

"Yep," Dawn said, popping the P. "I don't have time to slowly seduce you, so I am taking the quick route. You can't resist a girl with a sense of humor."

"True," Xander admitted.

"And seriously I didn't want to die a virgin. I hear that if you die a virgin they make you fuck suicide bombers in heaven," Dawn said, unbuttoning Xander's pants as he laughed.

"Willow?" Buffy asked, seeing those two would be no help as they seemed to have given up.

"Yeah?" Willow asked distractedly.

Buffy quickly stepped in between Willow and the others, blocking her line of sight. "Can we undo this somehow? Or jump to a less fucked up dimension like the one where the Master won?"

Willow thought about that for a second before replying, "I could... but that would open the Hellmouth."

"Already open," Buffy reminded her, ignoring the sounds behind her.

"Yeah..." Willow said slowly. "With the scythe for power and virgin blood..." her voice trailed off.

"Too late," Buffy said with a sigh, forcing herself not to turn around.

"No, until they finish it still counts," Willow said excitedly.

"Don't stop," Buffy ordered the pair.

"Ever!" Dawn swore with a moan.

"Wasn't planning on it," Xander said breathlessly. "You've got five, maybe ten minutes, but that's pushing it."

"I only need three," Willow swore before beginning to chant.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

The universe blinked and Buffy spun around. She was in her living room dressed in a princess dress.

"Damnit!" Dawn cussed. "All I needed was another five seconds!" she complained. She glared at Willow angrily, which made Willow grin as Dawn was covered in green body paint and twelve years old once more.

"That was..." Xander shook his head. "I need to use the bathroom." He quickly rushed upstairs.

"I... It's Halloween," Willow said as the memories hit her. "I could only insert us where there was a lot of chaos, so... surprise!"

"Then why are you three dressed differently?" Buffy asked. "I don't recall... I remember originally things went different, but this time around... you dressed as a Jedi healer, Xander as a space cowboy, and Dawn as a Star Trek dancing girl?"

"Chaos means nothing stays the same," Willow said. "And us arriving caused some backwash."

"Everyone turns into their outfits," Dawn said and glanced down at herself. "I gotta alter my outfit. I'm thinking Jedi is a great idea."

"We need to modify your outfit quickly," Willow said, as Dawn ran upstairs.

"You did it," Buffy said in wonder. "We're back in time. Mom's... in LA right now, but she's alive!"

"Yes, now let's modify your outfit so you don't become an idiot for the night," Willow said firmly, focusing on the present.

"Can't we just stop it?" Buffy asked. "We have enough time to find Ethan before he begins the spell."

"Chaos allowed us to insert ourselves in the timeline at this point, we remove that chaos and... it'd probably be bad," Willow said, "Really bad!"

"Ok, what can we do?" Buffy asked.

"We've got roughly two hours to make some changes... can you get Angel while I grab Giles?" Willow said intently.

"Sure, but do the costumes affect vampires?" Buffy asked curiously.

"It's backed by the power of a god," Willow said, it should work fine."

"Is there any outfit that could return him to life?" Buffy asked hopefully.

"Doubtful," Willow admitted, "But the laws of similarity means we can manage a more permanent empowerment by dressing as characters that we have a lot in common with."

"So if I dress Angel as a famous vampire type who has their soul..." Buffy said thoughtfully.

"And add something that repulses demons," Willow added.

"I'm not getting my hopes up," Buffy said firmly. "Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta run."

Willow grinned as Buffy lifted her skirts and literally ran out of the house. "I'm going to go grab Giles," she yelled up the stairs," Meet you at school!"

"We'll be there," Dawn yelled back down.

**Sunnydale High a little while later...  
**

Buffy checked Angel's costume once more before making sure hers was perfect.

Angel looked at the crowds of costumed children surrounding them nervously. He really wasn't comfortable in crowds, it made his demon hungry. "Are you sure you aren't under a spell?" he asked.

"Nope, I am one hundred and ten percent me," Buffy swore. "We only have one shot at this and I really wish you had chosen Jean-Claude it'd fit perfectly with me dressing as Anita Blake, albeit one sneaking into a party for a group of vamps who were turned during medieval times."

"I'm not dressing as a French vampire," Angel replied. "You said it had to be someone similar to me and he's nothing like me."

Buffy sighed. "I know, but they were a cute couple."

"Nick Night fits him much better," Xander said. "Seriously, I may not be Angel's biggest fan, but even I wouldn't make him dress as a poofy French vampire."

"Thanks," Angel said awkwardly.

"Don't mention it," Xander said.

"Let's go," Dawn said, pulling Xander towards their assigned area. "Snyder isn't exactly patient here."

"Good point," Xander agreed, allowing her to drag him off. "Where did you get a lightsaber?" he asked when they reached their spot. "Ethan told me they were all out."

"It's not a lightsaber," Dawn said pulling it out of her belt a little, before pushing it back in place.

"But it's got a purple blade," Xander said.

"That's not a blade," Dawn admitted. I grabbed it because it was the closest thing to a lightsaber in the house I could find and as long as I don't pull it out, no one will know any different."

"It's... your mom's?" Xander guessed.

"Yep," Dawn agreed solemnly.

The two managed to keep straight faces until they met each other's eyes, then they almost fell over laughing.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"John Constantine?" Jenny asked amused.

"Willow wanted me to dress as a magic user I had something in common with, and this was much closer then that Stephen Strange character she suggested," he said.

"I was planning on going as a stage magician but I believe I knew of a female magic user of John's acquaintance that would fit," she said thoughtfully.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Oz examined the costume the cute redhead had asked him to wear. It looked like a detective from a 50's noir film except for the name tag that read Bigby Wolf. With a shrug he started getting dressed.

It was a good outfit and she'd promised to meet up with him later if he wore it.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Jonathan and Andrew exchanged glances, Andrew was dressed as Peter Parker and had a fake blue and red spider glued to the back of his right hand while Jonathan was dressed as a wimpy Steve Rogers with a hypodermic glued to his shoulder.

"Think she was telling the truth?" Andrew asked hopefully as they sat in Warren's basement.

"I really hope so," Jonathan said adjusting the cardboard Vita Ray projector.

Warren came down the stairs wearing a white leotard and hooded cape with a blue jewel glued to his forehead. "I got the sodas and the pizza is on its way." He set the six pack on the coffee table and unwedgied himself. "Does either of you two know why Willow Rosenberg would pay me two hundred bucks to dress as post Trigon Raven?"

"Nope," Andrew lied.

"She paid you?" Jonathan asked perking up, as it looked like this might not be a prank after all.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Cordelia sauntered past dressed as Felicity from Dark Stalkers and Xander found his head turning to follow her.

Dawn cleared her throat to get his attention. "Eyes front, we've got kiddies coming," she reminded him.

"This is going to be an interesting Halloween," Xander said.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	2. Unamed

**1# Unamed - Love Hina Loop/SM **

Keitaro briefly considered going to the hot springs and reliving things like he had the very first time, for old time's sake, but quickly dismissed the idea as unworkable. Too much time had passed and he'd changed too much to pull it off without altering things. Besides, while he was a little nostalgic about the ever repeating past he wasn't masochistic enough to want to try and repeat his first life... often. Generally about one out of fifty resets gave him a choice at this stage, so he might as well make the most of it.

Humming cheerfully he skipped up the steps and knocked on the door, knowing no one would be there, but being polite anyway.

Entering, he set his bag by the couch and sat down, pulling out his letter from his grandmother and placing it on the table. He found that having the letter out where they could read it prevented a number of misunderstandings from developing. Having nothing to do until the girls got there he decided to take a nap. He knew what came next and dealing with Naru and Motoko when he first arrived was usually draining.

He awoke with a start surrounded by girls he didn't recognize, but looked vaguely familiar.

"It just says he's supposed to meet Setsuna here," a girl with long black hair said.

"Yep," Keitaro agreed, sitting up and startling everyone. "That's all Granny wrote. So... anyone seen her?"

The girls laughed at Setsuna being called Granny, before introducing themselves.

"I'm Rei Hino, sorry about reading your letter," she apologized.

Keitaro waved it off. "I left the letter out so, everyone would know why I was here. I figured it would cut down on misunderstandings."

"Minako," a blonde girl said suddenly, sitting as close to Keitaro as possible.

"Makoto," a well-built brunette said sitting just as closely on Keitaro's other side.

"I'm Ami," a blue haired girl said extending her hand to shake.

"Keitaro, grandson of the absentee granny," he introduced himself, causing the girls to laugh again.

"Dinnertime!" a girl with violet eyes and dark hair called out nervously from the dining room.

All the girls paled at once and Keitaro knew what was coming. Apparently the girl who'd replaced Shinobu couldn't cook as in Naru-in-the-kitchen couldn't cook.

Well he'd eaten worse he was sure.

"Oh god, we finally meet a nice guy and he's going to die before I can kiss him!" Minako sniffled.

Ok, he was almost sure he'd eaten something worse before.

Keitaro sat down at the table as the girl nervously spooned him out a portion of something that looked and smelled like Hungarian Goulash. Hopefully that's what she'd been trying for.

After the first bite he knew what she'd done wrong. It had way too much salt and oregano, or possibly eucalyptus leaves and there was the faint but familiar aftertaste of rat poison.

He quickly finished his plated and then scarfed down the whole pot, before someone else could poison themselves with it.

"Not bad, not bad, a few mistakes in the recipe but overall a decent effort," he said smiling at the young girl.

Hotaru beamed.

"How about next time I work with you and show you how to improve it?"

"I'd love that!" she beamed.

**2# Traditions - BtVS**

It was a privilege to be in charge of assigning missions, one which Johansen was uniquely suited for, despite being almost completely human. A quick glance at the list of active agents reminded him that they were still down three and those three were The Traditions.

The Traditions were a trio of assassins who were the 'public face' of the Terakan Organization. They were three extremely well known agents whose occasional appearance showed the Terakans were still active.

(It was hard for a secret organization to make money if they were so secret clients couldn't find them after all.)

The Traditions were commonly known as Skill, Strength, and Strangeness, as even demons had found the bug guy bizarre, but officially they were: hand, fist, and claw.

Normally they'd have recruited whoever had killed the three to replace them within a week or two of their deaths, but the seers had predicted bad things unless they waited.

As the three names turned green he smiled; the waiting was done. A simple nod to a subordinate sent the message to the mage on call, the ring's enchantments were authorized for activation.

**The Hand**

In LA Cordelia Chase stopped running and spun around, catching and flinging Russell Winters, a well connected vampire, through a table with a perfectly executed throw. One of the broken table legs made a serviceable stake.

It would be several hours before she even noticed the ring she was wearing or the 100K in her account for the completion of a minor contract.

**The Fist**

Buffy Summers, former Slayer, noticed the ring appear on her finger instantly, but she also noticed the increase in her strength and durability, since she was fighting a pair of Pologara demons and ignored it for now.

She wouldn't notice the 3.4 million dollars in her bank account for half a dozen contracts, major and minor, for nearly a month.

**The Claw**

Xander snored loudly as the ring appeared on his finger and he dreamed the Triffids had landed, but naturally since he was the Borg he simply assimilated them.

The hive entity that normally suppressed its host's consciousness found itself absorbed into Xander's collection of possessions as he rolled over and started snoring.

**3# Free lance, no it still costs.- BtVS**

"I thought you'd already given me all the rings," Giles said as he saw Xander wearing a Terakan ring on his hand.

"We did," Xander said, slipping the ring on his finger as he leaned back in his chair.

Giles stiffened in shock and his eyes darted about the library checking for possible weapons and exits.

"The Terakans made me a deal," Xander said.

"No amount of money is worth betrayal," Giles said mentally preparing himself for battle.

"What betrayal?" Xander asked. "My deal is to keep Buffy safe, not kill her."

"I'm listening," Giles said hoping the boy hadn't sold his soul or done something equally foolish.

"They were impressed with how I took out Norman," Xander explained. "Apparently they get some difficult contracts where standard methods don't work and a little outside the box thinking would come in handy."

"Killing people for pay is still morally reprehensible," Giles said.

"People?" Xander asked. "No, they want me to kill demons."

"Pardon?" Giles asked.

"Evil demons often hire assassins to kill one another," Xander explained. "Since I kill evil demons anyway, they offered me money and support to kill some specific ones as well, and as a bonus while I am working for them the Slayer and her staff are off limits."

Giles sat down. "I can't fault your reasons, but have you considered the danger?"

"More dangerous than fighting vampires?" Xander asked. "I'm not required to take more than one contract a year and they provide a complete dossier on the target."

"I suppose we'll just have to see," Giles said.

"We?" Xander asked.

"If it helps protect Buffy of course I'm going to be involved," Giles said. "I'll probably have to start a second journal just to deal with your exploits separately, considering how much trouble you get into."

**4# Transfer Student – Daria/?**

"Got a good seat, I see," Jane said as she joined her friend who was leaning against a tree in front of the school reading a book.

"Seat for what?" Daria asked.

"Seat for a front row view of the Principal's latest attempt to show how progressive Lawndale High is by hosting a problem student from another school," Jane replied with a smirk.

Daria looked at Jane for a second, "Ok, I'll bite, how is it entertaining?"

"Because she tends to overreact. The last disadvantaged youth she accepted had several shoplifting charges on his record, so she had the teachers inventorying the classrooms everyday and the sheriff arranged for a patrol car to escort him to school," she replied amused. "Of course the real fun is seeing how everyone else responds."

"This is going to reduce my faith in human nature, isn't it?" Daria asked.

"Most definitely," Jane agreed cheerfully.

A pair of squad cars squealed up and blocked off one end of the street, the police inside diving over the hood and drawing their weapons like they expected to be in a shootout.

Daria stared wide eyed before turning to Jane. "That would be an extreme overreaction to shoplifting."

An armored car drove up with four riot cops who stepped off the running boards and brought up their riotguns to cover the rear of the car.

Two more squad cars and the sheriff's followed, completely blocking the street. The sheriff was stopped by one of the riot police while the other covered him as they checked his ID.

Once they were satisfied the sheriff was who he said he was, they went back to guard positions and allowed him to approach. It took three keys, one eye scanner, and a breathalyzer to open the rear door.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	3. And God Said … Meh

**And God Said … Meh.**

Most SI stories start with a dramatic death and a rebirth in the thick of it in another universe. Mine was much less exciting. I went to sleep only to wake up in Starfleet Medical on some distant colony, being told there was a transporter accident and my pattern had been partially merged with a couple of different people.

"Frankly, I'm amazed you're as stable as you are," the EMH said. "You have at least four different species mixed together. You should be a random mass of cancerous flesh and failing organs."

A nearby nurse looked horrified at his lack of bedside manner, but I laughed. "Let me guess, it's human and three species humans have produced children with?"

"Vulcan, Klingon, and Betazed," the EMH agreed. "How did you guess?"

"Because the human race is exceedingly adaptable and horny," I replied.

"Do I want to know what you mean by that?" the EMH asked himself before shaking his head. "I don't believe I do."

"So where am I, who am I, and what happened?" I asked.

"You are in sickbay, we can't find your records, and there was an explosion at the plant," the EMH rattled off, setting down his tricorder and stepping up to a computer station and re-checking everything against Starfleet records and current scans being run by security teams. "Hm..., logs before the explosion show no evidence of your existence. In fact, I think I can see what happened. The four people your pattern was assumed to be merged with were beamed up in one group and overloaded the Heisenberg Uncertainty Modulation because of the high level of tachyon flux in their bodies caused by the explosion. You are what is referred to as a pattern ghost. You don't actually exist."

The nurse looked beyond horrified at the EMH's behavior. In fact, she looked like she could use a sedative.

"Except I do, in fact, exist; am sentient, and organic," I reminded him, gesturing towards my various burns and wounds.

"Yes. We're going to have to invent a whole new form to deal with this," he said cheerfully. "So, how do you feel?"

"Like I was caught in four different explosions," I replied.

"If it makes you feel any better, I used sections of your supplemental organs to save two of your genetic donors," the EMH said, trying to give me some good news.

"Supplemental... Klingon DNA," I realized aloud. "Actually, that does make me feel better. Just remember to make sure to re-grow or clone me replacement parts if they don't regenerate on their own."

"That is a surprising attitude considering the usual distaste for cloning in the federation," the EMH said.

"I like to think I'm smarter than my four fathers," I replied.

The EMH snickered, getting the pun, but before he could respond he winked out and a human federation doctor stepped forward. "Sorry about that. We were temporarily overrun with casualties and had to use an EMH, which can be traumatic at times."

"He was fine," I assured the doctor - an older woman with black hair greying at the temples, Eurasian if I'm not mistaken. "He was explaining that I was a pattern ghost created by the transporter. A composite being. What paperwork do I have to fill out to get a new citizen identification number?"

"Let me check your record," she said, quickly refreshing the EMH's files. "This... can't be right."

I picked up the tricorder the EMH had been using and ran it over myself before examining the readings using... huh. Apparently I had a surprising amount of knowledge of the Star Trek universe from my donors. Seeing the way all my bits fit together so well sparked off a memory, and I recalled that a single race created all of the life in the Star Trek universe, hiding a message in their combined DNA.

Yeah, the four donors' DNA mixing together so well makes a lot more sense now. Just out of curiosity I checked my blood color and found it was an interesting teal color rather than the purple I expected.

"The odds...," the doctor muttered, completely engrossed in going over my readings to the point she'd forgotten I was present.

Rolling my eyes, I got up – wincing slightly – and stepped over to a computer station and re-activated the EMH.

"What was I deactivated for this time?" he asked drolly.

I shrugged. "Don't ask me. She barely said two words to me before becoming engrossed in my file. Speaking of which, would you mind deleting all files and scans of me?"

"What if we need to treat you later?" the EMH asked.

"It'll still be guesswork," I reminded him. "If you like, you can hide a copy of my records, just don't let any non-EMHs see it."

"Not a problem," the EMH agreed, tapping several commands on the screen in front of me.

"What?! Where'd it go?" the doctor demanded, finally taking note of reality around her.

"I believe we're through here," I said. I turned to the EMH, an un-evolved version of the one used on Voyager. "You do good work, Doc. Thanks!"

"You can't just leave," the human doctor complained.

"Federation law says I can," I told her with a smirk. I could already see the writing on the wall with this doc and I wasn't going to be her guinea pig. Ignoring her protests and my body sending me a number of messages saying I should lay down somewhere and sleep for a week or two, I quickly left medical and headed for security.

The fastest way to get added to the system was to get arrested, where I'd be assigned a temporary citizen ID number for the paperwork, not to mention free food and lodging. The federation provided for their citizens quite well, thanks to anti-matter reactors and replicators. It was pretty close to being a utopia in many ways.

The hallways and rooms of the star base look almost exactly like the ones I'd seen in ST:TNG. They probably do that for some psychological reason. My memories don't give me any solid data on the matter. None of my donors had ever put any thought into it before.

"How can I get arrested?" I ask cheerfully as I entered the security station.

A Vulcan and a human exchanged glances. "Why don't I get this while you get lunch?" the human suggested. She was a blonde with short hair and a slender frame, while her partner had dark hair and was unusually curvy for a Vulcan. "And why do you need to be arrested?" she asked me.

"I need a temporary citizen ID number so I can heal in peace without the doctors at the medbay taking me apart to see what makes me tick," I replied honestly.

"Why would they do that?" she asked, looking me over a lot more thoroughly.

"Transporter accident created me from four very different people. One in a million chance, and you know how some people can get," I said.

She nodded. "Yeah, the form for transporter clone only allows for one person," she said, bringing it up. "Oh wait, we have an update on that. No, that's still only two people and a plant."

"I have three out of four DNA donors as federation citizens," I offered.

"I could put you in the system as an orphan," she offered. "Your lineage would be traceable through DNA records and we simply put unknown for parents."

"You can do that?" I asked.

"Sure, we just file it as an aftermath of accident report," she explained.

Patricia Castro – I found out her name while we made my records, carefully toeing the line between truth and fraud – had me an actual citizen number in under ten minutes, just in time for her partner to return with lunch.

"Thanks, Officer Castro. If not for you I'd have had to commit a crime," I said, relieved it had all gone so painlessly.

"What crime were you thinking of?" she asked.

I grinned. "Something that would either get me a com number or a slap in the face."

Patricia laughed, but I felt a surge of jealousy from her partner that surprised me. My expression must have given it away because the Vulcan's eyes widened a bit and I could feel her surprise.

"You can read my emotions," she noted. "My shields should have prevented that."

Apparently the combination of Vulcan and Betazed DNA allowed me to read her through her shields, but I wasn't about to share that knowledge if I could avoid it. "Body language," I lied. "You aren't nearly as controlled as you think."

"That passionate human blood," Patricia teased her partner. "You know how we are, Janice."

"Indeed," the apparently part-human Vulcan replied neutrally, managing to avoid blushing but emoting it all the same.

**AN: This never really gelled for some reason.**

**TN: Hard to write one of your usual stories in a utopian setting. Would need major shift in plot devices and conflict sources.**

**Typing by: Ordieth**


	4. Lucky at Cards

**Lucky at Cards**

Xander heard a scream for help and followed it out of reflex, finding a large vampire had Aura and Harmony cornered in an L-shaped back alley. The vamp's grin said he saw Xander and didn't think he was a threat at all, which unfortunately he was probably right about, and lacking the element of surprise Xander figured his only chance was if he was standing next to the vamp and got him to look away... a faint hope at best.

"Save us!" Harmony screamed.

"What's in it for me?" Xander asked, pretending not to care as he walked over.

"What?!" the girls chorused in shock.

Seeing the vampire was clearly amused and hoping to get it to lower its guard some more, Xander just shrugged. "Look at the size of him and tell me what you could possibly have that would be worth my almost certain death facing him."

The vampire outright grinned at seeing it was going to get entertainment with its meal.

"Money!" Aura burst out.

"Sex!" Harmony shouted out at the same time.

"Money and sex?" Xander asked, looking doubtful. "How much money are we talking here?"

"A hundred dollars!" Aura shouted quickly. "Each!" Harmony added.

"Sex and a measly two hundred dollars?" Xander asked, acting insulted. "Do you see the size of him? Look at those arms!"

The vampire flexed and showed off his muscles.

"Look at him," Xander demanded. "He's not some fledge! He could probably punch through that brick wall. Show 'em how strong you are. Show 'em you're a master," Xander encouraged the vamp, slipping his stake out when the vamp turned to punch the wall and slamming it home, hoping he didn't miss the heart.

The vamp turned with a snarl of rage, ripping the stake out of Xander's hand as it brought a clawed hand up to rip off his face, only for the vamp to finally burst into ash, taking Xander's stake with it.

Xander took a deep breath and tried to pretend he'd planned all that and hadn't just peed himself a little. "I guess two hundred is OK, since he wasn't that bright," Xander said, trying to sound thoughtful as he joked with the pair.

"Two hundred dollars? You'll be lucky if I don't sue you!" Harmony snarled, her fear turning to anger as she recalled the day's events and seeing him as a safe outlet. "Yeah," Aura added quickly, falling into familiar and comfortable patterns. "For all we know you were in on it with him!"

Hearing the two sneering at him and accusing him of being in league with a vampire after he'd just risked his life to save theirs, he felt a cold anger overtake him. "So let me make sure I have this straight. You made me an offer to save your worthless hides, and now that you are no longer in danger you are welching on the deal. Fine, that just means if I ever hear you screaming for help again I can just walk away and spend my time more productively, like getting a drink."

Harmony sneered something about what a loser he was, so he turned and strode off without a backwards glance, but he'd gotten no more than halfway to the street before he heard them screaming for help once more. He turned and saw they were being cornered by a pair of vamps that had been attracted by their earlier screams.

"Save us!" the pair screamed. Xander turned and walked down the alley, stopping a good dozen feet away and considered his options. He had no stakes on him, having only carried the one out of habit to use as a last resort. The best he could do was buy some time and pray for a miracle.

"I saved you just a minute ago," Xander said, faking anger. "I was offered sex and money only to find that not only did you have no intentions to fulfill your end of the bargain, but that you planned on accusing me of being behind your problem in the first place. What could you possibly do to make me believe you would honestly pay me this time, and what could you possibly offer that would tempt me to face two vampires at once?"

The girls started making wild and kinky offers of possible sexual favors and a surprising sum of money they had in their personal checking accounts. The vampires looked both surprised and lustful as Harmony ran off a large list of sexual acts, some of which she no-doubt only knew about from rumor. Meanwhile, Xander's eyes scanned the alley for anything he could use for a stake and he tried to recall when Buffy's patrol route took her into the alleys behind the Bronze.

"I swear on my mother's grave!" Aura promised.

"Your mother isn't dead," Xander said with a growl, actually having no clue about Aura's parents but needing to keep the vamps entertained so they wouldn't just tear into the pair. "Wait, isn't she the MILF with the big tits that the pizza delivery guys rave about because all they have to do is knock and she calls out for them to come in and BOOM, she's naked on the sofa?"

Aura sputtered and one of the vampires looked at Aura and grinned. "I always did prefer more mature women," he said with a grin.

"You wouldn't mind going and killing her mother for me, would you?" Xander asked politely. "I mean, I'd hate for her to swear on her mother's grave when the woman is still alive, that would be wrong. She lives at the mansion on Crescent, the one with the blue Lexus in the drive. It's hard to miss."

"Go on, make an honest woman out of her," the other vamp encouraged with a grin, figuring he could feed on the three teens while his friend had his fun, which would probably take hours, and score them a rich house to rob.

"Take your time," the taller, now-departing vamp suggested as he vanished around the corner; only for the slayer to appear a moment later following the familiar sound of a vampire dusting. He quickly spun to put his back against the wall, keeping the two girls in front of him. His eyes darted around for a way to escape, but the L-shaped alley only had two exits and the mercenary could easily delay him enough for the slayer to stake him, unless... "How much?!" the vampire demanded, facing Xander but keeping an eye on the slayer.

"For?" Xander asked, keeping in character.

"Keeping the slayer off me long enough for me to escape," the vamp said nervously.

"I'll need the girls unharmed so they'll pay me..." Xander said, seeing a way to ensure Harmony and Aura could get out of it unharmed.

"What are you doing, Xander?" Buffy demanded, as Willow and Oz caught up with her. "I told you I didn't want you out here."

"And I clearly didn't care," Xander said bluntly. Turning to the vamp he said, "As long as it pisses her off, I'll work cheap. Give me all the cash you have on you and the girls. Just walk over to me, keeping them in between her and you, and pass me the cash. Run like hell and I'll delay her."

"What?!" Willow exclaimed in shock at the sight of Xander working with a vamp.

"Stay there, slayer," Xander said, glaring at Buffy. "These girls are my meal ticket and I won't have you screwing that up!"

The vamp almost breathed a sigh of relief as Buffy obeyed Xander because she wanted to know what was going on. A small bundle of cash was shoved into Xander's hands.

"Move quickly," Xander ordered the vamp as Xander stepped forward to take the vamp's place holding the girls.

"Bye," the vamp said, showing speed that vamps normally weren't capable of as he vanished down the alley.

"You saved us... again," Harmony said in shock.

"Oh it wasn't that big-" Buffy began, only to be ignored.

"You saved us from the one and even after we were mean to you, you got one to leave and the other to let us go safely," Harmony said.

"What can I say? You made a persuasive offer," Xander said, dropping the mercenary persona he'd been using and joking around once more, relieved to be alive himself.

"What the hell was that?!" Buffy exploded, wanting answers and no longer willing to wait on them.

"What's her problem?" Aura asked.

"Their problem," Harmony corrected, seeing Rosenberg looking much the same.

"Earlier today when that spell made every woman in town lust after me, I made them do all sorts of sexual things for my entertainment," Xander deadpanned.

"No you didn't!" Buffy and Willow exclaimed together, horrified at the idea.

Xander nodded. "That's right, I didn't, though I could easily have had them both go through the whole Kama Sutra with me. No, what I did was fend off their advances and turn them down over and over, thus I'm untrustworthy and can't hang with them anymore."

"It wasn't like that at all!" Willow exclaimed, though she couldn't find anything else to say about what it was like.

"Anyhow, I'm out of stakes. I only had the one on me, so I'm just going to call it a night and stop hanging out in dark alleys," Xander told the two girls, walking off and ignoring the Scoobs.

"What did we miss?" Oz asked the two girls curiously. He knew Buffy and Willow would probably calm down and accept Xander back in the group in a couple of days, but now it looked like Xander might not accept. The lupine part of his nature was a bit disturbed by the thought.

**Sunnydale High, the next day...**

Sarah wasn't one of the cool crowd, but she was well connected enough to hear what they talked about and what was making the rounds today sounded like the answer to her prayers. Her best friend had died last month and his voice had started coming through the vent in her room, asking her to come outside. She knew that meant bad things, but apparently there was someone who would take care of things for a fee and you could barter down the fee by offering him certain 'services'... She smiled and set out to find Xander Harris, unaware several other people were doing the same thing for much the same reason.

**Typos by: Ordieth**


	5. Dark Arts and Crafts

**Dark Arts and Crafts**

Xander looked at the leather-bound tome. It looked innocent enough, just a large, leather-bound book that Mrs. Madison had left behind when she tried to curse Buffy and vanished in a burst of light. "Yeah, probably not a good idea," Xander told himself as he picked up the book and stuck it in his backpack. It probably wasn't a good idea to start poking around in things man wasn't meant to know, but since he was already walking where angels fear to tread, he figured it couldn't make things any worse.

He took the book home and started reading it, trying several basic rituals and finding that he had almost no magical strength that would allow him to shape and cast spells with any real degree of force. Mystically he was a wuss. It was a disappointment, as magic would be a big help to him in surviving on the Hellmouth, but it was also a relief as he read through the various temptations and pitfalls that magical practitioners could fall prey to.

He set aside the idea of being a wizard, though he did continue to read through the book - finding the various spells, hexes, and curses entertaining to read when he wanted to avoid doing homework, which was often

**After a visit to the zoo, and the sacrifice of a zoo keeper**

Xander collapsed on his bed and stared at the ceiling. His chances of dating Buffy had crashed and burned, but then attempted rape tended to do that to people. God knows he couldn't even think of her sexually without remembering the sick excitement he'd felt while she was pinned under him and the hyena was in charge. Trying to get his mind off his recent difficulties, he opened the unnamed tome again and found himself idly looking through it for a spell that would have come in handy today... if he had more mystical muscle than a toddler, of course. He found it under a section on curses, where the caster could ensure the target would receive no satisfaction in a chosen act-usually sexual-and the caster would gain it instead, to use in any of a dozen ways. It was so powerful that even the faint memory of pleasure was removed.

Casting it on the hyena would have seriously changed the way it had acted, since it was really a simple creature for all its strength.

Strength...

Xander thought about that for a moment. He'd been mystically empowered to a high degree by his possession, and even though the spirit was gone he had still undergone an enhancement ritual. That should have left its mark on him.

Turning to the front of the book, he quickly found the easiest test he could perform. Holding up a hand and mentally running through the steps, he said a word, his hand burst into green flames, and he felt a sudden rush of pleasure.

He had power and it felt good! He felt strong. He felt powerful. He almost felt as good as he had when he'd had Buffy's panicking form pinned beneath him!

And just like that, the euphoria was gone.

He felt sickened and nauseous, but the urge still lingered, to cast another spell, to be strong, to bury his worries under a rush of magic power. There was a small, dark part of his soul that called out for power, that craved dominance, that wanted to find some way to make Buffy subservient to him, to make her pay for rejecting him.

It was probably just a remnant of the hyena, as it was all animal instinct and little rational thought, but it was there all the same.

Xander took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down. He'd just seen a spell he could have used to stop the hyena itself, using it on any possible remaining trance of the creature would be overkill, but it would work. Well... providing he could cast the spell anyway. Quickly paging through the book, he found the spell he was looking for, a curse that required three ingredients: blood and hair from the target, and the breath of a virgin.

Xander sighed and then chuckled. Breath of a virgin was easy for him to come by.

It took less than three minutes to curse himself and he found himself euphoric once more after he was done. If that was what getting drunk or doing drugs was like, he could see why people did them, the urge to cast another spell, any spell, was tremendous. He barely stopped himself from searching for more spells he could cast by deciding to cast the same spell again.

It only took two minutes to cast the spell this time and then Xander collapsed, exhausted but clear headed. He'd cursed himself once more, but this time he'd cursed himself to not be able to feel pleasure from casting spells.

"Holy shit," he said quietly, feeling how much casting two curses had taken out of him and how close he'd come to falling into the same trap that had swallowed so many other practitioners - casting just to feel the rush of power, never noticing what it cost them. Now all he felt was tired and... empty? He could feel a well of energy given him by the curse. It wasn't magical energy, it was pleasure siphoned off before he could feel it by the curse, held for his use.

He decided to think about all this later... when he woke up. He barely managed to hide the book and take his clothes off before he fell asleep.

**At the Library, after the revelation of Angel's past**

Xander listened to Willow try to rationalize Angel being a good vampire while Giles explained the history of Angelus.

"I'd modify the Mr. Ed song to a corpse is a corpse, but I have a feeling you'd miss the point," Xander said, tired of hearing it. "Bottom line: something is going on and despite his being a corpse he just saved Buffy and he has been helpful before. He isn't the usual vampire, fine. That doesn't mean we trust or don't trust, it means we reserve judgment and take precautions until we have evidence either way."

"That's surprisingly mature," Giles noted.

"I'll try not to make a habit of it," Xander said. "I'm just saying we don't know enough to make a decision and arguing one way or another is pointless right now. Just be careful, OK?"

Buffy took a deep breath and sighed, letting out a load of tension. "Alright," she agreed.

**At the Bronze, after the death of Darla**

Xander watched as Buffy kissed a bullet-ridden Angel and Willow gave a wistful sigh at how romantic it was. "Yeah, there is a good guy in the corpse. Still doesn't change the fact that he's a corpse or that there's a demon inside there as well," Xander told Willow. "Of course, it also doesn't change the fact that even if he wasn't dead, he'd be old enough to be labeled a sexual predator for trying to date a girl in high school."

"Don't you have a romantic bone in your body?" Willow demanded with a pout.

"You have a warped idea of what's romantic," Xander said, shaking his head. "Romance is something that leads to happiness, not misery."

"But they're happy!" Willow complained.

"Buffy hates being the slayer and wants a normal life," Xander said. "Angel, from what I can guess considering his situation, wants redemption. Neither one sees the other for who they are. He loves her for being the hero he aspires to be while she loves him for being... I'm not sure. An illusion of normalcy? Probably just hormones. He loves her for what she hates being, and she loves him for the illusion she sees looking at him. That is not a recipe for happiness."

"So what is?" Willow demanded.

"Figure out a way to turn Buffy into a normal girl and stuff Angel's soul into a living body her age," Xander said with a shrug. "We'd have to send them far away from the Hellmouth so they'd be safe, but that's the most likely way to make them happy."

"What about redemption?" Willow asked.

"You can't really make up for doing wrong, you can only do better in the future," Xander said. "Doing right to one person doesn't equal doing wrong to someone else, or else racist bigots could be considered good people since they are harming one group to help another."

"That's... bleak," Willow said.

Xander shrugged. "It is what it is. Being a good person is like jumping in a lake, when you're wet, you're wet, when you aren't wet, you aren't wet; and being wet in the past doesn't change the fact that you're dry now."

"Are you sure you aren't just being jealous?" Willow asked.

"I..." Xander was quiet for a moment before deciding he could admit to a little magic use, which is all he'd really done anyway. "I cast a spell to remove any and all pleasure I felt towards Buffy, so no, I'm not jealous because I no longer have any of those feelings for her."

"Spells of that nature require a balance. What was the cost?" asked Giles, reminding them he was there.

"A buildup of some kind of energy," Xander admitted, holding up a hand and letting the energy gather 'til his hand began to glow with a soft, golden light. "I can make flowers bloom and mellow out barking dogs with it, but I haven't found a whole lot of uses for it really."

Willow reached out and poked his hand with a finger, absorbing the glow for a moment. Her pupils dilated and her breath caught before she collapsed against Xander, panting.

"Are you OK?" Xander asked anxiously.

Willow wrapped her arms around him and sucked gently at his neck, causing his eyes to almost pop out of his head.

"Aaah, yes. That would be the most likely side-effect," Giles noted, quickly walking away.

Xander struggled as Willow's hands began to explore his body and she began moving up his neck. Buffy and Angel separated and avoided each others gaze as they left through separate exits. With their enhanced senses they heard every word the pair had said. The two remaining teens sprawled on the ground and Xander's struggles and protest were getting weaker and weaker.

**Typing By: Ordieth**


	6. Mother, Maiden, and Dude

**Mother, Maiden, and Dude**

"I just don't like the way Harry Potter ended," Xander told Dawn, as he set the book down.

"What's wrong with the ending?" Willow asked.

"The majority of the deaths were on the good guys' side and they were few and far between to start with, thanks to so many dying during the first war," Xander said. "You can tell the bad guys won because in the end Draco shows up with a wife and kid."

"But he changed," Dawn pointed out.

"Bullshit," Xander said. "Draco Malfoy was a bigot of the first order who let magical Nazi into the school for the purpose of torturing and killing those he considered beneath him. Not having the balls to kill for what he believed in and working against it, when it no longer favored his family, changes nothing. No, the fact that he and his wife were there with a child the same age as Harry's, means he and all his ilk escaped justice yet again."

"Harry was an auror," Willow pointed out, "if Draco pulled anything he would land on him like a ton of bricks."

"Amelia Bones was the head of the aurors," Xander said, "and she couldn't make anything stick against Lucius and Harry's just a common auror, as far as we can tell. No, Draco is following in Daddy's footsteps with all his cronies and since there's no insane big bad leading them to expose things, next time they'll win. The majority of the Wizengamot is dark families now since the purges wiped out all the good ones or the majority of them anyway."

"It can't be that bad," Willow said, "Hermione's Harry's best friend and she'd see what was up and help him change things."

"Hermione is married to Ron Weasley," Xander said, shaking his head. "Do you really think he'd let his wife work?" He'd never be able to stand having a wife who was more successful than him. He'll keep her pregnant and tied to a stove, probably with a liberal use of potions to keep her quiet and obedient."

Dawn frowned. "You... have thought way too much about this."

"Meaning I'm right," Xander said.

"Fine, you're right," she agreed. "It's not like you can change the end of the book."

"Erm, Dawn," Willow said gesturing to the endless library surrounding them with the mix of Olympus and Heavenly clouds motif.

Dawn blushed. "Sorry, forgot our job for a moment."

"So we each grant him a boon," Willow said. Walking over to a scrying pool and waving a hand, causing the surface of the water to ripple and swirl until it stilled once more, revealing a scrawny young boy. "I shall grant you the intelligence and creativity that is your birthright, one stolen from you by injury and upbringing."

Dawn sighed. "We've only had this job for a week and I'm still reading the introductory manuals, so all I can really grant is the ability to use portals but to make it cooler it'll involve shadows!"

"Did you just make him a cheesy shadow mage?" Willow demanded.

"It's been done before?" Dawn asked surprised.

"Only about a million times," Willow said.

"Forget that," Xander said waving it off. "There are manuals?"

"Yeah, Skuld gave me a couple of rooms packed with them," Dawn said. "You didn't get any?"

"No," Xander said, "all Urd did is tell me to wing it and that I'd do fine."

"You've been winging it?" Dawn asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, it's pretty simple," Xander said with a shrug. "I read a mainline, read a bunch of branches off it and then decide if the mainline is bad enough to warrant intervention."

"You read a popular series, read all the fanfiction based on it and then decide if it would be fun to make our own fanfiction," Willow translated, giving him a look.

"Yes, I do... Red Witch," he said with a smirk as Willow blushed.

"Back on track!" Dawn ordered. "What boon do you grant him?"

"The Venom Symbiote," Xander said cheerfully as they both stared at him dumbfounded. "Be right back!"

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Harry stared at the canopy over his bed. Every year he seemed to bounce between being loved and hated by everyone and this year it seemed it was starting off as hate early, and rather than do something productive he was feeling sorry for himself.

The canopy rippled and fell, wrapping itself tightly around the young wizard and muffling his screams.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Dawn and Willow turned to look at Xander, who was playing with his symbiote by seeing what shapes he could form. "What?" Xander asked, as his fingers imitated snakes.

"Why did you have it land on him like that?" Willow asked.

"It feeds on certain chemicals, so a big burst of fear will speed up the bonding process," he explained.

"That makes sense," Willow admitted.

"Plus it was funny," Xander added.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Harry laid there, his mind overwhelming with the memories of Peter Parker and Xander Harris, two very different people with a common goal, to help others. Fortunately the two men had extensive training in meditation and centering, which his symbiote, an offspring of a symbiote which had bonded to Harris after being rejected by Parker, helped with.

The wealth of knowledge they'd amassed in their previous lives was impressive... as was an equally large section involving sex with drop dead gorgeous women and sexual techniques both practical and theoretical which Masters and Johnson would have given their firstborn to peek at. Harry mentally cursed his nearly active hormones, as the symbiote continued to repair past damage done to him jump starting his long delayed puberty.

His stomach growled loudly, while his Symbiote suggested he needed to find a large source of protein and fat to continue his repairs. It was a little after two am and most of the castle was still asleep, breakfast was hours away, but he was sure the elves would still be up. He was pretty sure they never slept, at least he had no memory of seeing an elf sleep from what Xander had read of his life.

Soundlessly he got up, webbing shooting from his hand to snag his wand and the Marauder's map. He almost reached for his invisibility cloak, but his symbiote's amusement reminded him that he had other options now. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good," Harry said, tapping the map with his wand, revealing a complete map of the castle and everyone inside it. He automatically scanned for the position of familiar names, frowning as he saw Luna Lovegood was outside the Ravenclaw tower in an unused classroom and Barty Crouch Jr was in the Defense against the Dark Arts Professor's room.

Intellectually he knew how his timeline would normally go from Xander's investigation of it, but since it was knowledge from the memory of someone else who had read about it, it was far enough removed to still seem unreal. The memories of having sex with beautiful women for instance, were much more real to him.

"Mischief-" he began when his symbiote pulled the map flat against his back covered in a layer of itself. He could see the map through his symbiote, in fact he could see all around him at a thought. A sheathe formed on his forearm sucking his wand in as he fought off a wave of nausea and that being able to see everywhere at once caused him.

Letting his symbiote guide him he climbed out his dorm room window, pushing it shut behind him and took his first cautious crawl across the tower wall, blending in like a chameleon against the stone. It was almost disappointing to find a window open on the third floor so he could re-enter the castle. He 'glanced' at the map before climbing in the window and walking to the empty classroom Luna was in.

Walking into the dusty room and seeing the tiny blonde wrapped up in a curtain she'd pulled off the window was all the proof he needed that his memories were real, or rather it was the final evidence that he could no longer deny. He was torn between waking her and waking Flitwick so he could see evidence of Luna's treatment. As much as he wanted to personally help her, bringing in Flitwick would be much more effective.

A 'glance' at the map showed him Flitwick was still up and working in his office, so Harry decided on a plan of action while enroute, his symbiote showing its nearly infinite versatility by creating a roll of silk the size of a small parchment with everything Harry wanted to write already written on it.

Using one of Parker's ingrained reflexes, he shot a thin strand of web into the top of the door frame in front of Flitwick's door and attached it to the roll. Knocking, much harder than he meant to, he winced at the noise and quickly camouflaged himself again, leaping to cling to the ceiling.

Flitwick opened the door to his office. "Hello?" he asked, before seeing the roll hanging in front of him and pulling it loose. Reading it the tiny teacher's eyes grew hard and he quickly scurried off.

That taken care of, Harry started considering what he could do with the knowledge he had. Peter's memories made it obvious that he couldn't help but change the timeline, so trying to only make minor changes expecting the large events to stay the same was an exercise in futility. No, as the memories of Xander Harris would say, 'Go big or go home!'. The future was going to be drastically different from his memories so best to make the largest changes as quickly as possible.

Harry's stomach grumbled loudly.

"After eating something," Harry said, dropping to the ground and ghosting through the hallways as little more than a blur in search of food.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Nearly all of Slytherin and most of Hufflepuff were wearing badges reading "Support Cedric Diggory! The real Hogwarts Champion", that flashed 'Potter stinks!' once every ten seconds. The Bulgarian visitors were split between wearing them and dissing them as Victor Krum seemed to consider them childish. Ravenclaw's table was empty of Hogwarts students, leaving the entire group of visiting Beauxbaton students less concerned with badges and more with where their hosts and escorts were.

Not a single person in Gryffindor would ever consider wearing one, not because of any house loyalty, but because the Slytherins were obviously behind it.

Harry, disguised as one of the few visiting Beauxbaton student, who'd decided to sit with Gryffindor, made a note of who was wearing them. Forgive and forget wasn't something Xander's memories suggested was a good practice, and for all Peter practiced it, he got bit in the ass an awful lot because of it, sometimes costing lives.

Seeing the Weasley twins getting ready, Harry quickly left the table retrieving a heavy silver tray of French pastries the house elves had waiting for him in a small closet just off the main hall. Taking it up to the head table, while keeping out of Madame Maxine's line of sight was made easier by Hagrid discussing the possibility of using dragons as house pets. Harry circled behind the table, slowing his pace slightly as he had to time things just right.

The Weasley twins set off a series of wizbangs and flashing firecrackers, creating a dazzling array of light and sound just as Harry passed behind the Defense instructor. With Harry's enhanced speed and strength the imposter had no chance to react before Harry nailed him in the head with the tray, knocking him unconscious.

Harry blessed the fact that Flitwick wasn't there, even as he dodged a quick stunner from Snape. He was surprised at the speed of Snape's casting, but none of the others had even drawn their wands, giving him time to snag the flask off the unconscious professor's belt and hold it out to Snape before he could cast another spell.

Snape cautiously accepted the flask, keeping Harry covered with his wand as he opened it and sniffed the contents. "Polyjuice," he announced, slipping his wand up his sleeve and trying to read Harry's mind.

Dumbledore had to cast a cannon charm in the air to quiet everyone down. "Thank you," Dumbledore said once everyone was silent. "Poppy, how is he and who is he?"

The school healer did a quick examination.

"Skull is a mite tender but nothing's broken," Madam Pomphrey replied. "Won't know who he is until the Polyjuice wears off."

"Who are you?" Madame Maxine asked Harry. "You aren't one of my students."

Harry reached up and peeled off the layer of material on his face. "Harry Potter," he replied, taking the opportunity to get the right story out before anyone could twist things around, he quickly said, "I was investigating the DADA professor since he was in charge of security around the Goblet and my name was somehow entered. Well that, and every defense professor we've had has attacked me. Hard not to notice the pattern. The real Moody is inside a trunk in his room, probably has been for at least a couple of weeks."

"You should have come to us, not handled it yourself," McGonagall said.

"Every time I've gone to you for help, you've told me I was worried over nothing and threatened to take points," Harry said bluntly. "Professor Snape simply blames everything on me and Sprout has been glaring at me since my name came out of the cup, but then her entire house is rather dodgy if you ask me, using any excuse to blame me for things."

"You could have come to me," Dumbledore said.

"You employ people that either try to make my life hell or actually try to kill me," Harry told him. "The only head of house I actually feel might listen to me isn't here for some reason. Any chance of a re-sort or switching to another school?"

"Depends on your language skills, though I probably could find you someone to tutor you in French," Madame Maxine said thoughtfully.

"Re-sorting is available for any student upon request," Flitwick said, finally making an appearance. "What did I miss?"

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	7. Double or Nothin'

**Double or Nothin'**

Xander blinked and looked around. It was total chaos and seriously reminded him of a long-ago Halloween in Sunnydale. Catching a glimpse of his reflection in a store window caused him to freeze for a moment. He looked... young.

He spotted another version of himself, dressed as a soldier and following a ghostly Willow. He was now pretty sure he knew where he was, and even when, but not why. Never one to let an opportunity slip by, he ran towards a green glow less than a block away where he knew a Green Lantern was fighting with a Yellow Lantern.

Fortunately, the two jocks who'd dressed as Lanterns had decided on generic Lantern characters named after themselves and not any of the big names in the ring game, so Xander had a chance of pulling off what he was about to do. Xander whispered a word of power, causing a wave of fear to spread half-way down the block and causing both Lanterns to falter as the fear eroded the Green Lantern's will and the Yellow Lantern's ring wavered in its choice of users and became inactive. Xander steadied his nerves and said the word a second time, driving both Lanterns to the ground. Sunnydale's long history of making sure its back alleys had plenty of wooden debris to stake vampires provided Xander with a two-by-four which he swung at the Green Lantern who looked surprised that his hastily raised shield did nothing to stop it. The Yellow Lantern ripped the board from Xander's hand, but a boot to the nuts and a head-butt left him unconscious as well. Xander stripped them of their rings and tossed the two in a dumpster so nothing would eat them, then slid the rings on his own fingers with Will on the right hand and Fear on the left.

He knew the Avengers were fighting a free-for-all only one block over and it was a huge risk, but the chance of getting his hands on Thor's hammer or Captain America's shield was irresistible. Running down the alley, acutely aware of how little time he had, Xander came to a stop at a small crater with a hammer in it. Grabbing it, he tried to lift it and almost hurt himself. Seeing an approaching hero, he ducked behind a dumpster. Captain America grabbed the hammer out of the crater and flung it back into the melee before quickly blocking an explosive arrow with his shield and then throwing it to block a nearly identical shield that had ricocheted off the building behind him, aimed for his neck. On contact with each other, both shields dropped to the floor of the alley - all kinetic energy absorbed into their unique molecular structure.

"Taskmaster," Captain America called out, causing a skull-masked warrior to step out of the shadows.

"Captain," he said politely as he slid his bow on his back. "Shall we?"

As the two attacked one another, Xander blessed his luck and split with their shields. Xander was huffing and puffing after only a short distance. He'd seriously underestimated how much they weighed or overestimated how strong he was, possibly both.

Remembering the rings, he willed the shields lighter and almost sighed in relief as it felt like gravity had vanished and he shot forward, leaving behind the battling super heroes. The two rings felt very similar in his mind as he explored his connection to them, with the green ring feeling more intelligent but the yellow one less restricted. He was rewarded for his momentary inattention by slamming face-first into a wall and getting knocked on his ass. Climbing back to his feet, he found he was blocks away from the battle and hopefully in the clear. He strapped Cap's shield to his back and Taskmaster's knock-off version to his arm. They were still heavy, but much easier to carry this way.

He started to hurry to Ethan's – wanting to get there before Ripper arrived – when he heard a scream, and a familiar one at that. Old instincts had him rushing to help even though he knew his entire plan relied on him knowing when Giles broke the spell. With the rings' help he quickly reached the source of the screams and found Cordelia being chased by something large and hairy. He stepped out of the shadows and slammed Taskmaster's shield into its face, knocking it off its feet and causing it to fall to the sidewalk, just as a soldier fired a quick burst into the air to scare it off.

Cordelia froze as she saw the two Xanders. "What?!"

"Go with him," Xander told her, as he realized it was still early and he'd been rushing for no reason. "He can keep you safe."

He ignored the two and started heading for Ethan's once more, while trying to recall if there were any other targets of opportunity he could hit before Giles reached Ethan's. He only had to stop to rescue someone half a dozen times more before he himself reached the costume shop and was relieved to find that Giles had not yet arrived. Both the rings' AIs informed him he couldn't summon their batteries when he tried and the yellow ring was unable to make a copy of itself, while the green one could. He'd forgotten Sinestro was so paranoid. Still, he'd only hoped to get one ring anyway and there was no guarantee his plan was going to work.

It took another ten minutes of waiting before Giles pulled up in his 'classic' car with Willow the friendly ghost walker and went inside. After the ghostly Willow fled to rejoin the gang, Xander took a chance and phased through the wall to enter the shop.

"This is who I am now!" Giles growled at the chaos mage.

Xander tuned out the pair of Brits and looked around, emptying the cash register while keeping an eye out for Giles to make a move towards the bust of Janus was. Seeing a display for various card games, he recalled how popular they'd become and how expensive the cards got so he quickly pilfered the lot of them as well. Xander noticed Giles finally enter the back room, so he quickly used the two main rings, focusing everything on shielding.

Giles threw the bust at Ethan and it exploded with a flash of light, breaking the spell and sending out a wave of energy.

Xander's energy shield popped like a soap bubble.

"Bastard!" Giles cursed when he saw that Ethan had escaped while he was blinking the spots from his eyes.

"Fuck!" Xander cursed, as his mental connections to both rings vanished and the weight of the shield on his back dropped to almost nothing.

"Xander?" Giles asked.

"Yeah," Xander agreed, taking off the plastic replica of Captain America's shield and reverently setting it on the counter. He brightened up as he noted that Taskmaster's shield hadn't reverted to plastic and the copied ring gleamed softly on his finger.

"I thought you were with Buffy," Giles said, embarrassed that a student had seen him like this.

"I am," Xander assured him, mentally connecting to the temporary ring and finding he had a 2.5 percent charge and a month to use it before it would disintegrate.

"Buffy is here?" Giles asked, confused.

"No, she is with Xander, Angel, and Cordelia; dealing with a bunch of crying children," Xander told him.

"But you're here, and what about Willow?" Giles asked.

"Willow is back in her body half-way 'cross town, and I am in two places at once," Xander told him.

"How?"

"Chaos," Xander told him, finding a sleeping bag behind the counter and stealing the candy displays.

"There are two of you right now?" Giles asked.

"That's correct," Xander assured him while looking for anything else worth stealing and finding a leather duster he liked.

Giles took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose while Xander vanished into the back to go through Ethan's personal stuff. "How are we going to handle this, and what are you doing?"

"We are going to claim I'm my identical twin that a paperwork fuck-up sent to an orphanage; and I am robbing Ethan," Xander explained, pulling a steamer trunk out of the back room and dumping out several drawers so he could make more room for various things. "My name will be Alexander S. Harris, but my friends call me Ash. Grab any boots you see in a size eleven, I'll need everything."

"That is... workable," Giles said. "Do you have a place to stay while I get the council to set this up?"

"I know a hacker or two who can handle it and I have a distant cousin who lives in town I can stay with," Ash assured him. "I'll let you know if there's anything I need help with."

"So, I'll see you tomorrow morning then, when we all meet up to report tonight's events?" Giles asked.

"Sure," Ash agreed, "but first I need a ride to my cousin Ted's place." He smiled as he ran his thumb over his temporary Green Lantern ring, the most advanced AI on the planet.

**Typing By: Ordieth**


	8. Djinn and Chronic

**Djinn and Chronic**

**AN: Someone mentioned not being able to get the image of Amber Benson in the Slave-to-the-Lamp outfit out of their head... **

**TN: I couldn't find that picture, and my imagination is insufficient. :( **

Xander and Buffy watched in shock as the monitor showed a recording of Anya and Spike having sex on a table in the Music Box. The entire Scooby Gang had gathered, as Willow tapped into the trio's surveillance system to see what they'd recorded of them.

Naturally, this was the point at which Spike made a sarcastic comment to try to cover his own feelings of guilt and worry about Buffy seeing it, "Looks like all the women in your life prefer me to you, Droops."

Buffy just managed to get in between the two and deflect Xander's stake as a wide eyed Spike froze in shock at the speed of Xander's attack. Instinctively responding to the fury in Xander's eyes, Buffy struck Xander in the chest over his heart with an empty hand. Xander flew backwards, hitting the wall with a sickening thud, blood pouring from his mouth while everyone stared in horror; even Spike, who'd thought Xander would feel better with Spike as a target for his anger, rather than tearing himself up for it.

Anya quickly froze time and scanned the faces of everyone there for who she could grant a wish to that would fix this. She quickly narrowed it to Dawn, Willow, and Tara; as she doubted Buffy would be much help and the other two were men. Willow was quickly dismissed as too unstable and Dawn passed over for having a crush on both men. Tara... was definitely the best choice, she decided, so she unfroze the girl.

"What?" Tara rushed over to check on Xander before realizing that time was stopped. She turned to look at Anya in confusion.

"Listen. His heart has been speared by a rib," Anya said quickly. "The only thing that can save him at this point is a wish, and I can't grant my own, so I need you to make a wish."

"But your wishes turn out horribly for everyone involved," Tara pointed out, wringing her hands.

"Vengeance is that way," Anya admitted, searching her mind for a loophole and sighing in relief as she found one. "But I can get away with a beneficial one if it interferes with some other wish granting agency. All I need you to do is to wish him away and... I can send him to a realm where he can live a long and happy life."

Tara heard the sadness in Anya's voice and decided to trust her. "I wish we were someplace happier," she said honestly, accidentally including herself in the wish.

"Wish granted," Anya said, causing Xander and Tara to vanish in a burst of light as time restarted.

"Xander!" Buffy's hands passed through where her friend had fallen, smearing his blood on the floor.

"What did you do?!" Willow demanded, rounding on Anya as she figured out what had happened.

"Buffy impaled his heart with one of his own ribs," Anya said bluntly, shoving away her sadness. "The only thing strong enough to save him was a wish."

"Where is he?!" Buffy yelled, blood stained hands grasping Anya's shoulders before she could teleport away, much to Anya's shock.

"To make it a happy wish, I had to bend the rules and send him to a lighter dimension," Anya admitted.

"How do we get him back?" Buffy demanded.

"You don't," Anya said. "Here, he is dying. There, he has a full life ahead of him. He's a famous astronaut with a successful military career. There was no other way to save him."

"Fuckin' 'ell," Spike said a moment later, summing up everyone's feelings on the matter.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Tony closed his eyes as the world's worst headache clawed at his brain. Someone guided him to a seat and a soft pair of feminine hands massaged his temples. "Thank you," he groaned out as he felt his headache lessen.

"It was my pleasure, Master," purred a familiar female voice into his ear, pulling him back against her as she rubbed the pain away.

"Tara?" he asked cautiously, very aware of the body pressed up against his.

"I had to use a wish to save your life," she explained cheerfully.

Tony's memories slowly fell into place as he recalled both lives. The life of Xander Harris felt a bit distant from his present self as Tony Nelson. "You gave up your life to save mine," he said softly.

"I chose to come with you to a brighter life, Master," she breathed in his ear, smirking at the effect it had on him.

Tony silently cursed his traitorous body. "Can I wish you free?"

"No. I'm afraid you're stuck with me," she told him, wrapping her arms around him.

"I thought you were...," he trailed off as Tony and Xander's views on sexuality argued back and forth in his head. Xander's viewpoint found Tony's morals to be lacking in terms of morality.

"As Jeannie I have a different viewpoint," Jeannie told him, enjoying their present position. "It's always been me following where my heart led anyway."

"And Willow?" he asked, just to be sure.

"Is as over as you and Willow are," she told him. "You and Anya?'

"Feels like a lifetime ago," he admitted. "Can I call you Tara?" he asked, not wanting to hurt Jeannie's feelings but not wanting to lose Tara - who'd grown into a close friend while dating Willow.

"I think I'd like that," Tara decided. "And it should make my sister happy."

"So what now?" Tony asked, feeling relaxed and mellow in Tara's arms.

"That depends on you," Tara said. "It's the mid 70s and you have the love and loyalty of a very powerful djinn. The possibilities are limitless."

Tony smiled at the word love, not really paying attention to the rest. "And what would you suggest, love?"

"You've always pushed for minimal magical use and for good reason, so the biggest and most positive effect we could have on the world at this point is to use our knowledge of the future to shape society," Tara said, beaming at him for calling her love.

"The drug wars did no one any favors. Well, except organized crime, terrorist organizations, and government agencies of dubious morality. I remember you saying pot had a lot of medicinal value and the prosecution of pot smokers is what comprised the biggest chunk of the prison population," Tony said. "We can start by campaigning against laws against pot smokers and point medical doctors towards things we already know to be true."

**"We are going to make a big difference!" Tara enthused excitedly.**

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Anya paused outside D'Hoffryn's throne room. She had to report how her latest wish had gone and he already knew what she'd done and why. Her only real hope lay in Xander and Tara causing enough chaos and confusion in the universe where she'd sent them that they altered the future from its set path. It didn't matter whether it was for good or ill as long as it was changed. The greater a change, the less punishment she'd receive.

Taking a deep breath, she strode into the throne room with her head held high. No matter what happened, she'd take it with dignity.

D'Hoffryn looked down upon Anyanka from his throne with his face set in a hard frown before bursting out in laughter and falling off his throne.

**Typing by: Ordieth**

**AN: I wrote it just so I could use that title!**


	9. A Long Walk 2

**A Long Walk 2**

**Part 1 : Chapter 1 YASEMF**

Xander awoke and stretched, noting the young green skinned Twi'lek laying on him... err her. A quick examination showed Xander that she was an exact duplicate of the alien girl Dawn herself had turned into. She would have panicked, but she was pretty sure Willow could change her back if it turned out she couldn't change back on her own.

"Why the fuck am I still a cat girl?!" Cordelia cursed loudly waking everyone up.

"Xander... you're still a girl," Dawn said, groping Xander from her place on top of her.

"Yes I am," Xander agreed, grabbing Dawn's hands. "And you are still a Twi'lek."

"And Cordelia is still a Catgirl and I'm still a Jedi," Willow announced.

"I'm still me," Buffy said, "Except with black hair and... I can sense Angel, so I guess I'm still an animator."

"I can't hear Angelus anymore," Angel said in wonder. "I'm still a vampire, but the demon is gone!"

"That's nice and all," Cordelia growled out, her features becoming noticeably more animalistic, "But can we get back to me no longer being human?!"

"Xander, why are you a duplicate of Dawn?" Buffy asked, ignoring Cordelia.

"The Star Wars character I dressed as turned out to be more than just your standard mercenary, he was a force sensitive, shape shifter. Jesse rolled him up but never got to use him, so I didn't know about all the tweaking he'd done to the standard smuggler character."

"That still doesn't explain why you're my sister's twin," Buffy said.

"I can take other forms and Jesse was a complete perv," Xander hinted.

"And?" Buffy asked, not seeing what that had to do with anything.

"He sampled my DNA while we were fucking," Dawn said bluntly.

"What? But she's only twelve you sicko!" Cordelia screeched.

"Sleep," Willow commanded Cordelia, sending her to the ground with a wave of her hand.

Cordelia fell to the floor, transforming into a cat as she did so.

"Now there's something you don't see every day," Buffy said, as she looked at the little white cat that was asleep on the floor.

"Is anyone concerned that Xander is having sex with a minor?" Angel asked confused.

"It's complicated, I'm not a minor, and you're one to talk," Dawn said, clearly amused.

"I haven't had sex with Buffy and she's over sixteen, which is legal," Angel said.

"Only in Europe," Dawn pointed out, "which... I don't think we're in Sunnydale anymore." She looked around the warehouse they seemed to be in.

"You would have had sex with Buffy when she turned seventeen, and Dawn turned seventeen a couple of months ago. We're time travelers," Willow explained. "I can't feel the Hellmouth and I recognize the writing on these crates."

Xander and Dawn stood up, Xander having to adjust for her new body.

"So do I," Xander agreed.

"I think we're on a ship," Dawn said, checking her lightsaber before clipping it to her belt. "I'm not sensing anyone close by though."

"So the three of you dressing as Star Wars characters got us sent there?" Buffy asked.

"Can we get back to you guys being time travelers?" Angel asked.

"Couple of years after we graduated the Hellmouth opened and our only shot was going back in time," Xander explained. "So you can add five years to each of us."

"And you knew we'd all be turned into our costumes and didn't have me dress as Superman or Batman?" Angel asked.

"The closer the costume was to the nature of the person wearing it, the more of a chance it would stick," Buffy explained.

"Whiny, French, vampire?" Angel asked.

"Vampire with a soul who wants to be human and is a detective," Buffy told him.

"Detective?" Angel asked, feeling a little better about things.

"You become one later," Xander assured him. "Plus, this kind of vampire has it all over the type you were."

"That's true," Angel said beginning to smile.

"What about the curse?" Xander asked Willow.

"Gone," Willow said. "Having a soul is natural for this kind of vampire."

"No happiness clause!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Happiness clause?" Angel asked.

"the gypsies had it rigged so if you got a happy your soul would pass on, setting Angelus free," Xander told him. "You can hear the whole story later."

"So everyone is close to what they are?" Angel asked doubtfully looking at the others.

"Jedi healer isn't far from white witch," Willow said.

"Vampire executioner with a vampire boyfriend," Buffy offered with a shrug. "There weren't many female characters I could use and I did this to help you not me."

"Shapeshifting mercenary?" Angel asked Xander.

"He's very handy with modern weapons and explosives," Buffy said.

"And at absorbing things to strengthen himself," Willow said thoughtfully. "Everything left its mark and in the case of the swim team incident you quite literally absorbed foreign DNA," she told Xander.

"You are also very good at flying under the radar," Dawn said. "Really this character could have been made for you."

"I didn't think of that," Xander admitted.

"And you?" Angel asked Dawn.

"My existence is malleable and that's all we're going to say about that," she replied firmly.

"So we're no longer on Earth, don't have to worry about a hell goddess, Cordelia giving birth to an evil power, or falling for a scheme to open the Hellmouth," Buffy said. "I think we came out ahead."

"I still have to feed on blood," Angel pointed out.

"We've got enough people to keep you fed until we can get access to cloned blood," Willow assured him.

"Nick didn't really need a lot unless healing from injury," Willow recalled, as she examined a crate and triggered the opening sequence, causing the vacuum sealed crate to hiss as the air pressure equalized and the top opened.

Willow helped her open the crate and groaned. "Yeah, that's not ominous at all."

"What's ominous?" Dawn asked.

"It's a resupply pack for a Storm Trooper unit," Xander explained, "and if we're reading this right..."

"What?" Buffy asked.

"Look for a terminal, neither one of us wants to jinx us," Willow said.

"I say we assume the worst and gear up," Xander said, grabbing weapons and energy packs and outfitting herself.

"It looks like we are miles from the nearest terminal," Dawn said, looking at the endless rows of crates surrounding them.

"Better grab some rations as well then," Xander decided, "this may take a while."

"Can I freak out now?" Buffy asked. "Cause the two of you are making me feel like I should be freaking out."

"Just grab all the supplies you need for a long hike and a firefight," Willow suggested.

"Should I wake Cordelia?" Angel asked.

"Probably," Willow admitted. "I'd give her some catnip to mellow her out, but I'm not sure what effect it would have on her."

"Why are you carrying catnip?" Buffy asked.

"I like cats," Willow said with a shrug.

"And?" Xander asked, knowing there was more to it than that from her tone of voice.

"And it can be used for a couple of different spells," Willow admitted. "Clothing optional spells."

"Wake Cordelia," Buffy told Angel, not wanting to hear any more and going through weapons to find a pair of blasters that could replace her missing Firestars. "What's the kickback on these?"

"Barely any," Xander promised her. "Compared to slug throwers you won't even notice."

"Cool," Buffy said examining the Storm Trooper armor. "Do they having anything smaller?"

"No, they're all sized for the clones, which means exactly one size fits all," Xander told her, ignoring the sounds of Angel waking Cordelia who was not in a better mood as a cat.

"At least their breasts were bigger than mine so I don't have to worry about crushing the girls," Buffy said, deciding that she could wear the chest piece like a bullet proof vest.

"This is female armor," Willow said slowly.

"And?" Buffy asked, packing additional power packs in a belt pouch.

"The clones were all male," Xander said. "This may not be your standard Star Wars' universe."

"Could be a specialty unit," Dawn offered, following Buffy's lead in armament and armor.

"I'm human again!" Cordelia exclaimed as she figured out how to change. "Why are you guys dressing like geeks?"

"A chaos mage tossed us into another universe, you can guess which one," Dawn offered. "By the way I'm actually older than you, time travel is involved."

"Are you OK like that?" Cordelia asked, gesturing to Dawn's head.

"We can find a way to change me back, but it's fine for now," Dawn assured her.

"So Xander isn't a pervert?" Cordelia asked hopefully.

"Oh he is, but in a good way," Dawn assured her with a grin.

"You should know... oh yeah, that hasn't happened yet. Heck we haven't even exchanged smoochies yet," Willow told Xander.

"Me? You?" Cordelia stared at the currently female Xander.

"Everyone who hasn't slept with Xander raise your hand," Dawn said. "Not so fast Angel," she said as he started to raise his hand.

"What?!" Cordelia and Angel chorused in shock.

"She's messing with you," Buffy said as Xander and Dawn laughed like crazy. "Me and Angel are the only two here who Xander hasn't defiled."

"Defiled?" Xander asked amused, before getting an evil grin.

Dawn quickly covered her mouth. "Yes, I'm sure Buffy has done far worse," she told her, "but we are being nice. Especially if you want any DNA from me to regain your male form."

"Spoilsport," Xander said with a fake huff.

"it may be years before we find our way home, if ever," Willow told Cordelia. "But on the bright side you died in the future we came from, so all this prevents you from dying like you would have in LA a couple of years from now."

Cordelia took a couple of deep breaths. "OK," she said calmly. "Did any of you think to memorize any lottery numbers?"

"No, dammit!" Willow said with a pout.

"Yes," Xander said. "You made me memorize them for certain occasions when we were dating and it became a habit so I remember a dozen sets easy. If we get home within the next decade, we can win the lottery multiple times."

"Really?" Dawn asked.

"Cordelia liked to memorize winning lottery numbers on special occasions as anyone can remember dates, so if it was really special they can remember the lottery numbers as well," Xander quoted.

"We really did date," Cordelia said. "I have so many questions about the future."

"We can discuss them while we walk," Willow said. "If we are where we think we are, we'll have plenty of time."

"Where do you think we are?" Angel asked.

Xander and Willow looked at one another and everyone could practically see them speaking through that look alone.

Willow sighed and nodded after a few seconds.

Xander turned to the others. "The Death Star," he said solemnly.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	10. A Long Walk 3

**A Long Walk 3**

**Part 1 : Chapter 1 YASEMF  
Part 2 : Chapter 9 YASEMF  
**

"There are so many things to freak out over I don't know where to begin," Cordelia said. "Xander, would you mind turning back into yourself so I can snipe at you and unwind?"

"I need a sample of my original DNA to swap back and I'll need Dawn's help for that," Xander said.

"Why... OK, got it," Cordelia said. "Why are we not freaking out over that again?"

"Because I am actually older than you," Dawn reminded her.

"But physically twelve?" Cordelia asked just to be sure.

"Physically an alien with a much quicker maturation cycle that just happens to be smaller than human," Dawn replied.

"Let's do it now, I want to be me again," Xander said.

"Sure," Dawn agreed grabbing Xander's hand and leading her off so they'd have some privacy.

"How'd I die?" Cordelia asked.

"Demonic STD, coma, death," Buffy rattled off quickly.

"It wasn't an STD," Willow said rolling her eyes. "It was more a demonic parasite that allowed you to get visions from the Powers That Be to help Angel rescue people."

"That's not an improvement," Cordelia said, a look of disgust on her face.

"I become a detective?" Angel asked, wanting to change the subject.

"It was a way to make money, fit in with society, and help people," Buffy explained. "You were fighting an evil law firm and then took them over or something."

"You thought you'd won, but Giles said it was more likely they'd decided to change strategies and try and corrupt you by giving you power," Willow added.

"That sucks," Cordelia said. "So what about my acting career?"

"You can't act, you can't sing, and the only roles you were offered involved you either playing strippers or on a casting couch," Buffy said bluntly.

"Plus, you gained a soul and were more concerned with helping people than getting famous," Willow joked.

Cordelia rolled her eyes, a bit surprised that Willow had changed so much from this morning, time traveler or not, but rather pleased. "At least I'm still rich and beautiful." She saw the two wince and groaned. "What happened?!"

"Your Dad fought the law and the law won," Buffy said.

"The IRS took everything," Willow said. "Your parents left and I'm not sure how you managed to finish school. I think one of your friends let you stay with them until graduation."

"Please tell me I didn't get ugly or fat!" Cordelia begged.

"You gain at least another cup size and your ass could stop traffic," Willow assured her. "I would do you."

"Oh, thank God," Cordelia said, relieved.

Angel winced.

"What?!" Cordelia demanded glaring at him. "I so am doable!"

"Not that," Angel said, "I can hear Xander retrieving his DNA."

Buffy groaned. "I didn't notice until you said it. Looks like another half an hour before we see them again."

"How did our relationship go? Why did we break up?" Angel asked wanting to distract himself.

"You lost your soul, Willow found it again just in time for me to send you to hell for a century," Buffy said bluntly. "After graduation you left for LA for 'my own good' and to work for your redemption. You had various relationships in LA, including Cordelia, and were probably torn apart by demons when the Hellmouth opened."

"I dated a vampire?" Cordelia asked.

"Yeah, but I'm pretty sure it was part of the Renegade power's manipulations," Willow said. "You were needed as a vessel for its rebirth, so it screwed around with your head… a lot."

"Oh, well at least that's over," Cordelia said. "So... did I ever date anyone else in your gang?" she asked, her lack of acting ability really apparent as she tried and failed to sound casual.

"You and Xander were hot and heavy for a time," Buffy admitted.

"That ended when you caught me and him kissing while we were trapped and waiting for Spike to kill us," Willow explained.

"If you ended up with him then why aren't you upset he's having lesbian sex with Dawn?" Cordelia asked.

"I was dating Oz at the time," Willow said. "I distanced myself from Xander and he forgave me."

"Short guy with green hair?" Cordelia asked just to make sure, as she'd dated the lead singer of Dingo's so she was familiar with him.

"That's him," Willow agreed.

"You were so close to Xander you were like his shadow for near forever and you dumped him for Oz?" Cordelia asked in shock. "How many kids did you have by him?"

"He became a werewolf, went to Tibet to learn to control it so he wouldn't hurt her, and she started dating a witch named Tara," Buffy explained with a frown as she considered things.

"I never thought you were that fickle," Cordelia said, "And it sounds like I was nearly as bad."

"You were manipulated so you would move to LA and stay close to Angel," Willow said slowly. "And I wasn't fickle, I just... Buffy, help me here."

"Xander cheated on you," Buffy told Cordelia, "and Willow was following her heart."

"Me breaking up with Xander makes sense," Cordelia said, "but she broke up with her best friend since forever, that she wanted since she was five, for a guy who was so devoted to her that he overlooked her cheating and went to the other side of the world to make sure he wouldn't harm her, and she dumped him for some girl she met in college. Throwing away that kind of devotion is insane!"

"I'm gay and I fell in love with Tara," Willow said firmly. "It happens."

"You loved two men and desired them sexually," Cordelia fired back, "that's not gay. Unless you were just a manipulative psycho you wouldn't have gone after Xander while dating Oz, risking both relationships, if you weren't into men, period! You can like both sexes you know, it's a thing."

"It doesn't work that way, you are either gay or you're not," Willow said firmly.

"And that is one of the many reasons I dislike you," Cordelia replied flatly.

"Because I'm gay?" Willow demanded.

"Because you're an intellectual snob," Cordelia told her.

"What does that even mean?" Buffy asked as Willow glared at Cordelia.

"It means she is part of those people who think they are better than everyone else because of their high IQ's, while seriously lacking in common sense, and constantly trying to redefine reality according to whatever their latest geek leader says is true," Cordelia told her. "Beneath her inferiority complex is a massive superiority complex where she ranks people she's better than based on book knowledge and scholastic achievements."

"It's been half a decade since you've actually seen me, I've changed quite a bit," Willow defended herself.

"Really? Then if you have changed so much, tell me why you would go after Xander while he was in a relationship with me, while you were dating some drummer, since you don't like guys and bisexuals don't exist," Cordelia said.

"Xander came on to her and she couldn't bring herself to say no," Buffy said firmly, while Willow winced and looked away.

"Really?" Xander asked, as he and Dawn approached with him restored to male and human once more. "So when we were sitting in the back of the room during science and they turned off the lights, to show a film on cellular mitosis, and you grabbed my hand and shoved it in your pants, I was coming on to you?"

"I was confused, alright?!" Willow burst out. "I was young, didn't know what I wanted, and I had a hard time admitting when I made mistakes."

"All this time I thought Xander had practically forced himself on you," Buffy complained, "preying on your feelings for him and inability to tell him no."

"Seriously?" Xander asked, giving Buffy a confused look.

"I never said that!" Willow exclaimed, horrified.

"Well that's the impression I got," Buffy said defensively.

"The way you acted towards me back then makes a lot more sense now," Xander said shaking his head. "Though I have no idea where you got that impression since from Willow's expression I'm pretty sure she didn't say anything remotely similar."

"Barry, Jules, Craig, Fredrick, Angel, Parker, Riley, Spike," Dawn started listing off.

"Me?" Angel asked confused over what was going on and why everyone else had paled or looked thoughtful.

"Buffy's attracted to older men who generally prey on her emotions to get her to do things she wouldn't do otherwise," Dawn said. "She was projecting the kind of situation she'd been in, on you guys."

"I've never played with her emotions," Angel said.

Xander snorted. "Please, we all know you came to Sunnydale just to 'help her' and the character you played was designed specifically to play on her weaknesses."

"Character I played?" Angel asked. "I've just been myself and how have I played on her weaknesses? I tried to stay out of her way and just pass on any information I found that could help."

"You mean like when you first showed up and tossed her a box with a silver cross inside and did the whole 'I'm a friend, I didn't say I was yours'," Xander said, posing with a slight sneer on his face, pretending to be Angel.

"How is that playing on my weaknesses?" Buffy asked.

"It's a neg," Willow said thoughtfully. "It's a trick to pickup women where you start off with an insult to make them seek your approval."

"I wasn't trying to trick anyone," Angel defended himself, "I was simply following Whistler's advice to show I was there to help and not in any way trying to hit on her."

"Did he give you the cross to give to her?" Xander asked.

"Yeah, he said it was practical for a Slayer who was pretending to be your typical schoolgirl to wear and would help protect her," Angel explained.

"OK, you were manipulated to manipulate Buffy," Dawn said, seeing where this was going.

"And Buffy hits all your buttons," Xander said. "I no longer consider you a huge sleaze and I'm finding it a bit scary how effectively you were both molded and shaped to play off one another."

"Glad we got that settled," Cordelia said. "Now how did you finish up so fast? You aren't a minute man are you?"

"Hey!" Xander complained.

"He's big, I'm small, and still a little sore as this body hadn't done any of that before last night," Dawn said.

"I so don't need to hear any of this," Buffy groaned.

"Anyway back to topic," Cordelia said. "Willow is either bisexual or deliberately destroyed Xander's relationship with me and since she claims bisexuality doesn't exist that means she wasn't really attracted to Xander sexually and purposely destroyed our relationship for her own reasons."

"Pretty sure bisexuality is a thing and Willow didn't realize girls were a real option till she met Tara and saw how much stronger the emotions were," Xander defended Willow.

"If her attraction to guys wasn't that strong, then she couldn't have gotten overwhelmed by her emotions and made a bad decision, it had to have been premeditated," Cordelia pointed out.

Willow groaned. "Fine, I'm bisexual, is that what you want to hear? I was wrong, it exists, and I'm smack dab in the middle of it! It's simply a lot simpler to focus on one sex and this way I don't have a jealous boyfriend coming between me and Xander!"

Everything was silent for a minute before Cordelia spoke up, "Actually I was trying to get you to admit you'd deliberately sabotaged our relationship so I could see if we could make it work this time without you interfering."

"Ahem," Dawn said.

"I'll share," Cordelia promised.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	11. Do a Barrel Roll 1

**Do a Barrel Roll 1**

Xander pulled his car into the hotel parking lot with a relieved sigh. He'd survived graduation and could now take a nice hot shower, rub some icy hot on his bruises and get ready for his road trip. He figured it was some strange form of karma that he got the same room Faith had stayed in before joining the mayor. He winced as he shut the car door, his ribs telling him that while they may not be broken they were definitely bruised. He could have done this all at home, but he'd gotten a hotel room and moved his luggage into it yesterday so no one could call him at the last minute or show up and physically prevent him from going on his long planned road trip.

"Yep, it's all smooth sailing from here on out," Xander said, as he entered the hotel room only to find he was already there.

"Hello, me," his doppelganger told him cheerfully.

"Hello, Murphy," Xander said. "Was I too cheerful? Did my faint hope of having everything go right for once summon you?"

Murphy laughed and waved his hand, the door shutting and locking itself behind Xander. "I'm you from the future, about to send you to the past, to send yourself to the past etc."

"That makes no sense," Xander said, edging towards the bed where he'd hidden an axe just in case, when he paused and noticed how clean and new everything in the room looked.

"I got bored waiting so I cleaned the room a bit," Murphy told him. "The axe isn't under the bed, I shrunk it and made it into a tattoo." He pushed his sleeve up showing a tattoo of an axe on his left wrist.

"Well shit," Xander said, sitting on the bed, too tired to even care anymore. "I need a break, dammit!"

"That's why I'm here," Murphy told him. "Listen, we are in a time corkscrew type of deal. I had a Xander with the power of Spiderman show up and offer me what I am offering you now."

"What are you offering and how is it time is repeating itself if you don't have the powers of Spiderman? Cause, seriously? Cleaning the room like this and turning my axe into a tattoo is not Spiderman's gig," Xander said.

"Corkscrew, not loop," Murphy explained. "We are creating a new timeline every time we do this and in payment we are allowed to give ourselves a power up and go on the road trip to end all road trips."

"And you didn't take Superman?" Xander asked curiously, hope slowly rising in his chest once more.

"Way too powerful and his weakness is magic, which already hoses us," Murphy explained. "Nah, he chose Spiderman, along with all the knowledge needed to use his new abilities, very important that."

"So, whatever power set I request includes knowledge to use it, gotcha," Xander agreed.

"Good, now Spiderman is OK and all, since Superman is too powerful to request, but it made me think of our problems with magic, so I decided to go with mage, neatly solving our magic problems. I admit being strong and fast enough to give the pimp hand to master vamps would be cool and all, but magic is one hell of a multitool," Murphy said with a grin.

"OK, you definitely sound like me and think like me, if nothing else, what's the deal?" Xander asked. "I want all the details."

Murphy nodded. "We request a set of powers etc and the more power requested the further away we are sent, so yeah we could request Superman, but then our road trip would take god only knows how long, so try not to pick too much of a power up. Mage for instance only cost me a little over five years."

"And Spiderman?" Xander asked.

"Four and a half," Murphy replied. "Since it is a literal improvement, that means everything is in you. Spiderman secreted his own webbing, I don't need spell components or a wand."

"A request to be Green Lantern would make me a living lantern like Jade," Xander said with a nod.

"Exactly," Murphy agreed. "Now, you don't have to come back, but that would cost another Xander his shot at a power up and would be a huge dick move. When you find your way back you'll instinctively know how to empower the next Xander and send him on his trip."

"OK, I think I've got it," Xander said. "Considering your choice and Spiderman's I'm going to choose... silver dragon of appropriate age with clerical abilities and full knowledge of how to use my powers."

Murphy's eyes began to glow and a hole opened under the bed swallowing Xander and the bed, before vanishing with a pop. "Granted," Murphy said, shaking his head as the knowledge of how he'd empowered his other self vanished from his mind, despite all he did to try and hold onto it. Looking around the room he considered his options. He hadn't seen Sunnydale in years, but he could now take the road trip he'd planned on before he'd been empowered and sent on a trip.

After a moment's thought he decided to take the trip, he'd spent the last five years in England and he really did want to see the States. He conjured a bed to replace the missing bed and went to check out.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

The young adult silver dragon crushed the bed beneath him as they hit the ground, his twenty foot length finding it cushioned very little. Instinctively casting cure light wounds he felt his aches and pains vanish. Quickly shifting into human form he found himself naked, so he made a toga out of the bedspread. Clothed once more he looked around and found he was in a desert beside an empty highway. With nothing around for miles he figured he'd better start walking. "It's good to be the dragon," Xander said with a grin, as he found the heat and the sun comfortable. He looked forward to seeing what was down the road and began to hum as he walked with the kind of optimism that being able to turn into twenty feet of teeth and claws bestowed on one.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander muttered under his breath as he gestured at his car, rust vanishing and dents making a slight pinging noise as they popped out. Another gesture caused all the dust and the dirt to cascade off the car making it look better than it had when it was brand new. The engine purred when he started it and he watched the traffic for a moment before smoothly pulling out and heading out of town. Traffic stilled as he reached the bus station, one of the buses had stopped in the middle of the road for some reason.

"Going to LA?" A hopeful voice asked and Xander turned and saw Cordelia Chase leaning on the passenger side of the car.

"I could be persuaded to," he admitted, happy to see the girl he'd once dated years ago.

"Is that a come on?" she asked.

"No, it's a polite way of saying yes," Xander told her with a grin.

"OK, let me cash in my tickets and grab my bags," Cordelia told him, rushing off to do just that.

The bus was still blocking the road when she returned and tossed her bags in the backseat.

"This car looks cleaner than it did earlier," she noted with a frown. "You look cleaner."

"I did shower and change," Xander told her.

"No, I mean dings and scratches I know were on both are gone now. There was a slight rip in the upholstery on my side, I know cause it always poked my arm, and you had one hell of a bruise on the left side of your jaw and it's gone too," Cordelia explained.

"Any guessed why?" Xander asked as they passed the Sunnydale sign.

"I'm dreaming?" she offered.

"Would that lead to you doing things you normally wouldn't do thinking you were just dreaming?" he asked with a mock leer.

"It could," she teased. "Are you going to take advantage of me?"

"If I say yes you are going to slap me in the face and then say you have to be awake because your hand stings," he said, after looking her in the eye for a moment before turning back to the road.

"How'd you know?" Cordelia demanded. "Am I really dreaming?"

"No you are not dreaming," Xander said.

"Then what's with you and the car?" she demanded.

"I left graduation to clean up and get ready for my trip and got sent back in time a couple of years," Xander said honestly.

"Sounds like I am dreaming," Cordelia said. "Well, since I'm dreaming… want some road head?"

Xander's mouth opened and closed a few times before he shrugged and said, "Sure."

***SMACK***

"Son of a- Did you have to slap me?" Xander complained.

"My hand stings so I'm definitely awake. I can't believe you were going to let me give you a blow job not knowing this was real! How would you feel if I tricked you into giving me road head?" she demanded.

"Switch seat with me and find out," Xander said rubbing his cheek.

"OK," Cordelia agreed.

"What?" Xander asked surprised.

"I said fine, pull over and we'll switch seats and see how you like it," Cordelia told him.

Xander pulled over on the side of the highway and got out, walking over to the passenger's side while Cordelia slid over behind the wheel.

Cordelia started the car and pulled onto the road. "Well?" she asked.

"You sure you aren't just going to slap me?" he asked cautiously.

"You were going to trick me into giving you head, it's only fair you give me head to make up for it," she said reasonable, pushing his head towards her lap.

**15 minutes later...**

"You've gotten really good at this," she admitted once she'd recovered. "Are you sure I'm not dreaming?"

Xander grinned. "If I say yes and try to trick you into sleeping with me are you going to slap me and then make me sleep with you?" he asked.

"Is it worth a slap to find out?" she asked.

"Yes, yes it is," Xander agreed. "I like your dreams."

***SMACK***

"Son of a- Not so hard, woman!" Xander complained.

"I'm still mad at you, but I also really want to sleep with you. This seems to cover both those really well," Cordelia explained. "I am planning on smacking you at least three more times today, four if you have the energy."

"I... can't argue with that," Xander said. "Did you want to know about the whole time travel thing?"

"After I've finished slapping you," Cordelia decided.

"OK," Xander agreed, glad he knew numbing and healing charms.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	12. Central Heat and Air

**Central Heat and Air **

"Easy to use and recharges itself from ambient magic," one of the half-dozen Xanders said with a grin, setting down the Ferula Gemini onto the coffee table.

"Isn't this dangerous?" Dawn asked, a bit red-faced as she looked at the various Xanders scattered around her and contemplated things that would have prompted Buffy to send her to a convent for even thinking them.

"No. Turns out the demon got it wrong," a Xander with his nose buried in an old leather-bound tome said. "The death of Buffy would have sent the slayer spirit on to the next host, so they assumed separating Buffy and killing her would send the slayer on. It's a basic logic error. Normally the rod is used by a demon to purify itself by separating out any weaknesses and killing them."

"We aren't doing that, right?" said a twitchy looking Xander, eyes cautiously darting about.

"Fuck no," snapped out a solemn-faced Xander who was standing at parade rest, observing events. "Fear keeps us alive."

Dawn picked up the rod while several of the Xanders were assuaging his Fear, letting him know he wasn't about to be sacrificed. She considered using it on Xander to create a horndog version of him that was her age, but she wasn't sure which Xander to target. "Why create so many of you?"

"Because I can get more done in a shorter amount of time," said one of the Xanders. "I have the part of me that actually likes learning about the supernatural reading a bunch of books I borrowed from the Magic Box. The remains of my soldier possession is reinforcing his existence just by being separate from me and thinking about everything he knows. The one doing pushups is my need for physical improvements... and a touch of hyena."

"What about you and the two on the couch?" Dawn asked.

"I removed Fear and Laziness so that my other selves could concentrate on what they were doing, and I am... a half-as-intense-Xander," Xander said. "I needed at least one sane and responsible Xander to control the others."

"That makes sense," Dawn agreed, figuring out a workable strategy for getting Xander's pants off. Xander liked strong and forceful women, so Dawn brought up the rod and concentrated on separating Power and Age from herself. An older, more powerful version of herself would surely be able to seduce him, especially since he was going through a bit of a dry spell since Anya left him to start a business of some sort in Colorado.

"Dawn-" Xander ½ began, only to flinch as a wave of green light swept the room and dispersed. "What was that?" he asked as he blinked spots from his eyes.

"I don't know," Dawn said. "I was trying to separate into me and an older version of myself."

"Dawn, you don't contain an older version of yourself," Intellect told her. "It failed because you tried to separate into something you don't have."

Dawn frowned. "Did you like the book Lolita?" she asked.

"Yoink," Xander ½ said, snatching back the rod. "No doing anything that would cause Buffy to slay me. Why is the rod green?"

"No idea, and Buffy doesn't have to find out!" Dawn said before realizing she probably should have lied about her intentions and then blushing brightly red.

"She's going to seduce us, we're going to get her pregnant, and Buffy is going to drive a stake through our heart!" Fear whined and then started hyperventilating.

"Can I slap him?" Hyena asked hopefully.

"He'll pass out on his own," Intellect said, just before Fear's eyes rolled back and he fainted.

"Sure we can't kill him?" Hyena asked hopefully.

"No," Soldier replied firmly. "He's needed."

"Let's see if this still works," Xander ½ said, tapping the now-green rod on a stack of rentals and vanishing in a flash of green light.

"D-did... did I just kill Xander?" Dawn asked in a shaky voice.

"Yes and no," Intellect told her after a moment.

"No, Miss Dawn, you did not kill Xander," Soldier said firmly. "You have possibly weakened us, but you most certainly did not kill us. It was our decision to use the rod, not yours."

"I think I know of a way to strengthen us as we merge," Intellect offered.

"Is it by killing fear?" Hyena asked hopefully.

"No, but not far off," Intellect admitted. "I need you to beat him half to death."

"What?!" Dawn shrieked.

"We need to weaken undesirable traits," Intellect explained as Hyena stood up and cracked his knuckles. "The easiest way to do that is to cripple them."

"I assume I'm to beat the lazy out of us?" Soldier asked.

"Exactly," Intellect agreed. "Once they are weakened, merge with them and then each other, and finally me." He returned to reading the book in front of him.

"I'm going to be talking about this in therapy until I'm thirty," Dawn groaned.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

A medical intern awoke with a start and looked around wildly. Something had changed, but he wasn't sure what. The only thing he was sure of was that he was going to change underwear as the G-string he had on was riding up something fierce!

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander slid the green, metal rod into his tool-belt and slowly reached for his short-handled sledgehammer as he looked around the bar filled with reptilian demons.

"You here to fix something?" slowly asked a large creature with a tiny, reptile head.

"Got a clogged sink?" Xander asked, seeing a way out.

"He's a plumber! Get him!" Someone screamed.

The place degenerated into a riot almost instantly.

**Typed by: Ordieth**


	13. A Long Walk 4

**A Long Walk 4**

**Part 1 : Chapter 01 YASEMF  
Part 2 : Chapter 09 YASEMF  
Part 3 : Chapter 10 YASEMF**

"Share…" Willow said surprised. "You're bi?"

"My sexuality doesn't concern you, because it doesn't include you," Cordelia told her bluntly.

"Does it concern me?" Dawn asked curiously, not sure how she felt about it considering her new set of memories.

"I don't know yet," Cordelia admitted. "Right now if it concerns you it's because we both have the same taste in men. I've been waiting years for Xander to mature-"

"Hey!" Xander complained, but when Cordelia waited to see what he'd say in his defense he just shrugged. "I got nothing."

"I've had my eye on him for a long time and, despite our different backgrounds and social circles, I want to give it a try," Cordelia said honestly.

"Shouldn't you be saying that to him?" Buffy asked.

"I am, but I know him well enough to know he wouldn't go out with me while involved with Dawn without her permission," Cordelia replied.

"I seduced him a couple of times, once using force abilities," Dawn admitted, "I don't exactly have a claim on him."

"Your claim is at least as good as mine," Cordelia said with a shrug. "Probably better if you want to be honest."

"Pretty sure he still loves you even if you broke up years ago," Dawn said.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Buffy asked Xander.

"They seem to have things pretty well in hand," he replied. "Any long term plans depend on what our situation is, so in the short term I'll be happy with whatever makes them happy."

"You've really matured," Cordelia said in surprise.

"Just a little," Xander agreed.

"As long as you aren't trying to muscle me out, I'll share," Dawn decided.

"We should start moving, we have a long walk ahead of us," Willow said. "Really, really, long!"

"Shouldn't there be moving walkways and trams or something?" Cordelia asked. "I mean even airports have those once they get beyond a certain size."

"I don't recall them ever covering that in any of the Star Wars material I've read, but since we are trying to sneak around we'll have to avoid letting anyone find out we're here, which using motorized transport would probably do," Willow said.

"Couldn't you hack something so we could?" Cordelia asked.

"No idea," Willow said with a shrug. "They could use an AI, they no doubt use an operating system I don't know, and I haven't been into hacking for years."

"How long a walk are we looking at here?" Angel asked.

"The second Death Star measured just under fifty miles from the core to the surface," Xander replied.

"And we are going to be moving a lot more horizontally than we are vertically, as they redesigned the ship so not even an exhaust port runs straight to the core," Willow added.

"And to further complicate matters there are probably sections that are kept airless so they don't have to worry about corrosion as cleaning droids don't use oxygen," Xander said.

"What about food and water?" Buffy asked. "And bathrooms?!"

"Any sections with oxygen should have facilities for organics and we can get Stormtrooper rations from supply or warehouse stocks along our path," Willow said.

"How about beds?" Cordelia asked. "Are there any hotels or apartments or anything we can use?"

"Those are probably plentiful near the surface," Willow said. "But I'm guessing there aren't as many near the core and droid only sections."

"We need to find a terminal and see if we can bring up a map without alerting anyone," Xander said.

"Which way do we head?" Buffy asked glancing around at the identical rows of crates that faded into the distance.

"Angel will have to fly up and point us towards the nearest wall," Dawn suggested.

"Fly?" Cordy asked.

"I got him to dress as Nick Knight, so he turned into that kind of vampire," Buffy explained.

"Go ahead," Angel told Xander.

"What?" Xander asked, confused.

"Make a Tinkerbell joke, get it out of your system," Angel said.

Xander blinked. "Crap, I missed that completely. Sorry man, but I'm completely out of practice teasing you. I know it's a poor excuse, but it's been years since I've even talked to you much less made any comments."

"You're joking," Angel said, before shaking his head. "Sorry, the whole time traveler thing is taking a while to sink in."

"It's OK, it's strange for us too," Xander told him. "OK, now this isn't my best work, being off the cuff but... Everyone clap and say I do believe in fairies, I do believe in fairies!" Xander ordered everyone and started clapping his hands together, Dawn and Cordelia joining in a moment later. "Tink can't fly unless you believe!"

Buffy groaned and Willow smothered a laugh.

"For off the cuff that was impressive," Angel admitted as Willow burst out laughing and the others joined her. "Be right back," Angel said shooting up in the air.

"Do you have to tease him?" Buffy asked.

"He literally asked for it this time," Xander told her. "I wasn't planning on making any comments until he asked me to."

Angel landed a second later with a huge smile. "I love flying," he said.

"Which way do we go, boss?" Dawn said imitating Bugs Bunny.

"That way," Angel said, pointing off to one side. "The closest wall is a couple miles in that direction."

Xander took a large backpack and filled it with rations before handing it to Angel. "If you don't mind, being a vamp you'll be able to carry more without it weighing you down."

"That's fine," Angel said putting on the pack.

"I am so glad I didn't wear the high heeled Catwoman outfit that I'd been looking at," Cordelia said as she thought about the long walk ahead of them.

"And away we go," Buffy said as they all started walking.

"I don't suppose any of these crates contain a car or something?" Cordelia asked after a couple minutes of silence.

"Not likely and I wouldn't know how to assemble one anyway," Willow replied. "Jedi healers aren't trained as mechanics."

"I could put one together," Xander said suddenly, breaking out in a smile. "I remember how to do all sorts of things. Rogue character types are generally required to be jack of all trades."

"How about you?" Willow asked Dawn. "What kind of training do Sith have besides battle?"

"I'm not Jedi, but I'm not Sith either," Dawn answered. "I don't follow the Dark side or the Light side, I follow the Sticky side."

"Sticky side?" Cordelia asked curiously.

"Light siders go for tranquility, Dark siders go for heavy emotions," Dawn explained. "Sticky side users go for..." she trailed off for a moment. "OK, let me just show you." Dawn drew her lightsaber and turned it on.

"That's barely a foot long, but it's a nice shade of purple," Willow said.

"Looks phallic," Cordelia noted.

"Not going to get much penetration with that," Buffy said, "too short."

Xander struggled not to laugh. "Touch it," he suggested to Buffy.

"Xander!" Willow complained. "Don't encourage Buffy to injure herself. That is a lightsaber, it's a plasma blade that can cut through steel. It'd burn your fingers if you tried to touch it."

"Hardly," Dawn said running a finger along the blade and showing she was fine. "It's a product of alchemy. You know how trainee lightsabers can be set to give shocks rather than cut through people? Well this is something similar, it has a number of settings, so go ahead and touch the blade."

The girls all cautiously ran a finger along it after making sure it wouldn't burn them.

"It's kinda tingly," Buffy noted.

"If it doesn't burn people or cut through steel, what is it for?" Willow asked.

"Sex," Cordelia blurted out as she realized what it was. "The Sticky side is sex! You are a Sex Jedi!"

Xander had to wipe tears of laughter from his eyes as he lost it and laughed so hard he had to stop walking.

"Eww I just touched your sex toy!" Buffy exclaimed wiping her finger on her dress.

"It's an energy construct," Dawn said, "it can't get dirty and only the hilt needs to be cleaned, which you did not touch."

"How does that even work?" Willow asked.

"It's kinda like a Green Lantern projection, but the emotion I tap is lust," Dawn explained. "Just think Jedi with a lust focus, it's easier."

"I can't believe you planned out that as a costume," Buffy said.

"I didn't, I planned Jedi Twi'lek, it's called chaos magic for a reason," Dawn told her. There was no way in hell she was letting Buffy know her costume was influenced by using their mom's vibrator as part of it. Though she did have to wonder why her mom had a Star Wars themed vibrator in the first place.

"I'm still blaming Xander for corrupting you," Buffy decided.

Xander started walking once more. "That's fine," he agreed.

"So no Jedi vs Sith battle?" Cordelia asked.

"I think our dueling styles are incompatible," Willow offered, blushing.

"Plus we'd need a Jell-O pit," Xander added.

"Xander!" Buffy groaned, not wanting that image in her head.

"He's not wrong," Dawn admitted.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	14. Phoning it in 1

**Phoning it in 1**

I suddenly awoke to find myself lying on a dirty sofa in a back alley of a city I've never been to before. Right away I knew I was in an SI.

Let me say right up front I like reading SIs, I like writing SIs, but I hate being in an SI. To quote a midget with hairy feet, 'an adventure is someone else going through a rough time.' at least I think that's how it goes.

I mentally go over what I know. I have to survive ten years in this place and something is going to be coming after me by attacking the city in a month. I get the impression of something like Godzilla, but nothing more than that.

Well, fuck.

I'm a bit mollified when I go over my power list, as I seem to have made myself into a copy of Merlin. Not the magician, well actually he was a magician and the Merlin you are thinking of was named after him.

Let me get back on track. I have to survive ten years in a place where Godzilla is going to start hunting me down in the space of a month... and I have to be here for it. I can feel the geas placed on me.

I need time to think, a lot of time.

I hear gunshots not quite in the distance and decide to stretch my legs and gain some time. Standing up I focus on my surroundings. I'm in a back alley with a dirty sofa and a lot of trash. There is broken glass and graffiti everywhere, with swastikas featuring prominently. This is not a good neighborhood.

I check the sofa for loose change and find a little over a dollar, two disposable lighters, and a pocket knife. Better than nothing and the change looks like normal American currency so I guess I'm in America.

Taking a deep breath I take a step forward, the alley shifting around me, the graffiti changing languages. I take another step and the sofa turns into an easy chair and the graffiti is now in day-glow colors. A few more steps and the noise of the city vanishes, as does most of the trash and the graffiti, instead there is grass growing through cracks in the sidewalk.

I can feel the countdown till Godzilla attacks slow to a glacial pace, like an hourglass dropping a single grain of sand a day.

I take a deep breath as I exit the alley and find the air hotter and cleaner. I'm in an LA without a trace of smog or people. It's obvious that the city is deserted, yet the street lights are still functioning.

I need something to eat and a solid plan to avoid getting stomped on by a size twelve thousand foot, but I have time now, so most of my completely reasonable (and in no way cowardly) panic is gone.

I like this version of LA, it's one of the places I thought had the calmest apocalypse of anywhere, even Miranda. A comet passed close to the Earth and everyone had been instructed that it might cause electrical interference so all flights were grounded and all vehicles parked when it occurred.

I'm not sure why this world differed so much from most modern Earth's, especially other ones where it was sometime in the mid 80's, but something happened in World War II that caused them to be a lot more safety cautious when it came to power plants, operating machinery, and even household appliances in general.

It'd been a month since the night of the comet and yet there were no fires or floods and the streetlights were still on and the power plants humming along, despite the fact that less than a dozen people were probably still alive in the entire North American continent.

I spot a 7-11 and head for it. I'm a bit hungry and hopefully their Slurpee machine is still running. The doors open at my approach and a blast of cold air hits me. There are piles of clothes and red dust scattered about inside, unlike outdoors where wind and rain cleaned up everything. I'm tempted to snag a bit of the jewelery laying there, but there are better places for that, ones that aren't so ghoulish.

I walk out of the store with a fountain drink and a bag full of snacks not more than a minute later, the Slurpee machine was frozen solid and the rotisserie chicken and hot dogs qualified as jerky at this point. After the cool of the air conditioned store the heat seems like a bit much so I take off my jacket and hear a clinking noise.

Going through my jacket's pockets, something I should have done earlier, I discover five glowing vials. Each vial has a word written on it followed by a symbol of some sort. They read: Energy, Mass, Acceleration, Gravity, and Forethought.

They practically cry out for me to drink them, so naturally I put them away. I don't care what my instincts say, I'm not drinking a glowing vial of unknown fluid without a damn good reason!

Merlin's memories not withstanding, you'd think I'd be a lot less accepting of all of this, but I'm pretty calm. Sure I was a bit panicked by knowing Godzilla wants me dead and I'll have to face him, but even that was just a fraction of the mind numbing terror I should have felt.

Despite the fact that its been a month and all of the red dust was gone and most of the clothes had been washed or blown away, there was still a lot of shoes and jewelry lying around, in the gutters. I start collecting gold and silver chains, just for something to do as I walk along the sidewalk looking for a good hotel to stay at.

I round a corner and find myself looking at the beach. As I take in the many signs and the tropical island theme I realize I'm not in LA I'm in the Tropics. I had been aiming for LA and gotten somewhere near the Equator, no matter how you slice it my aim is lousy. Well at least I got the right world, the multiple piles of red dust that used to be people don't lie.

I walked along the beach, sipping my soda and eating junk food, those five vials clinking in my jacket pocket as I walked calling out for me to drink them and being firmly ignored. I watched the seabirds circle over the beach and wondered why only humans had been affected by the comet. Or was it only humans? Maybe it just affected large mammals. I don't know. All I really did know was that humans had all been reduced to red dust and nothing else appeared to have been touched.

I saw what looked to be a good sized black... dog? No, it's face was too flattened and its head too round. It looked a little like a Koala but its face was all wrong, having an overly large eyes and nose, and its mouth was huge for its size.

As I approached it turned its head to look at me and its eyes widened, clearly surprised. The sky clouded over quickly and it bolted, running on two legs as the sky opened up and poured warm water down on me like I was taking a shower. It was rather nice truthfully.

I followed its tracks in the sand. It was about two thirds my size but left much deeper prints. It was also dripping some kind of... ink? It was leaving a trail of black in the sand, which would have made it easy to follow even if it hadn't left deep grooves in the sand.

The sky suddenly cleared up as quickly as it had clouded over and the black mutant koala bear returned. Whatever had panicked him was gone as he looked at me in wonder and slowly reached out to poke me with a single digit to make sure I was real.

When I didn't pop or vanish he smiled. He didn't behave like an animal regardless of how he looked, so I decided to treat him like a person. I extended my hand. "Name's John, glad to meet you."

He almost reached for my hand before suddenly dropping to all fours and saying," Bark, bark."

I blinked and retracted my hand. He hadn't barked he had said the word bark. Oh well, I've met stranger. "Good boy?" I offered.

He nodded at me and said, "Woof," Seemingly satisfied with my response.

"Wanna go to the local grocery store and microwave some frozen pizzas?" I asked. He nodded rapidly. "OK, boy, lead the way."

"Bow wow," he said and waved for me to follow him before dropping on all fours and heading inland.

I followed him. If he wants to claim to be a dog, who was I to argue?

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

**Worm CYOA Setup!**

**Difficulty: Standard - 6 free points  
Type: Self Insert**

**(4) Copy Character Sheet - Merlin son of Corwin chosen.  
(2) Power Manipulation - Muahahaha!  
(1) Blank - Seers can not see you!  
(1) Shattered Limiter - Powers grow stronger with time.  
(1) Special Snowflake - Powers can't be hacked.  
(1) Cauldron Vials - 5 labeled top tier power vials.  
(1) Libromancer - Ever get lost in a book?  
(1) For Want of a nail - Scion has left the building.  
(1) Inviticus - Untouchable mind.**

**13 total - 6 for Standard 7 points of disadvantages needed.**

**(-1) Pint Sized - young (10-11)  
(-1) Leviathan - 1 month countdown  
(-2) Welcome to The Slaughterhouse - New toy spotted.  
(-2) Wildbow? What's a Wildbow? - No knowledge of setting  
(-1) Geas - Welcome to the party - Must show up for Leviathan**

**7 points**


	15. Complex Problems

**Complex Problems**

After yet another day of cold looks and parents taking their children home from the park when he tried to play with them, the seven years old boy returned home to his dingy, one-bedroom apartment where he lived all alone.

He collapsed onto his sofa and stared at nothing. This had been a particularly bad day for the child, as it had been his birthday but the place he loved to eat, where they treated him like a friend, was closed because of a fire and the old man hadn't been able to get away from his office because of several emergencies.

The people were always colder and meaner on his birthday, turning what should have been one of the brightest days of the year into a cold and lonely one. So, sitting on his couch, the little boy stared at nothing. His mind was empty of all thoughts. He reached zen.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

The boy fell into a canal and came up spitting out water. He quickly scrambled out of the water and onto a walkway alongside the channel he'd fallen into. The water was warm, and glowed like honey in sunlight. It illuminated what looked like the hidden irrigation system the village had in case of siege.

Naruto found himself feeling slightly better as he climbed to his feet and looked for the hidden marks that would let him know where he was. After several minutes of searching, he found a marking carved into the base of the wall that he felt he should know, but it wasn't one he recognized. He shrugged and started moving upstream, figuring it would be easier to find his way out of the basin rather than out of one of the farms the water supplied.

After several hours of walking the young boy found a room so large that he couldn't see the walls of it, and an enormous cage sat directly in front of him. The cage contained the largest animal he'd ever seen. It looked a little like a fox, but the ears were all wrong and no fox grew to that size.

It stared at him impassively, showing no sign of any emotion or care - just observing him.

Naruto had a kitten once. He'd rescued it from a bag in a back alley and had taken it home. He had it for a month before it vanished from his apartment and he'd looked everywhere for it. It had been three weeks later that the apartment complex manager brought him a live-catch-trap with a dead kitten in it, telling him he must have left the door open and it had gotten loose and ended up in the basement where the old, unused traps were.

Naruto had no idea how a little kitten had gotten through three locked doors and down several stairways to where he himself had not managed to go, but it had left its mark on the boy. He double-checked his door every time he left or came home, refused jiji's offer of a pet, and he absolutely detested seeing any animal in a cage.

Walking up to the cage door, the little boy searched for a latch, but all he saw was a large sheet of paper gluing the cage closed. The paper was about thirty feet up, so the boy dug his fingers into the wooded crossbar and started climbing. He focused completely on his task and did not even notice when the fox turned his head to watch him.

A blond man stepped out of the darkness and watched the little boy slowly make his way up to the giant paper seal that kept the cage door closed.

"Not going to stop him?" asked the fox curiously.

"No," the man replied calmly.

"He'll die and so will everyone you sacrificed yourself for," the fox pointed out.

"Death is not something to fear, and they've proven unworthy of my sacrifice," the man explained.

The little boy fell, somehow missing the ground and landing in the canal before climbing out and making his way up the doors to the cage, determined to remove the seal.

"He's worthy," the fox pointed out.

"And death is a kindness at this point," the man said sadly.

The last of the seal finally tore loose under the boy's determined assault, dropping him into the water once more. The gates slowly swung open a little.

"I could be transferred to an object rather than exploding out of him," the fox noted as the small, waterlogged boy struggled to open the gates further so the fox could come out.

"It'd have to be a large object," the man noted as the boy showed an impressive range of curses for a child while he struggled with the doors.

"The sofa is a large enough object to contain me for an entire season," the fox said.

The man began to grin evilly enough for the fox to take notice.

"You have a suggestion?" the fox asked.

"The word object can mean so many things," the man noted as the exhausted boy vanished, having fallen asleep.

"Tell me more," the fox ordered.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

There were screams and panicked yelling as people fled from the malignant red chakra that bubbled up from the ground beneath their feet. Alarms sounded and waves of highly trained ninja quickly evacuated the civilian population.

Through it all peacefully slept a small, blond boy.

The Hokage met with his advisers, the head of ANBU, and the leader of the police force. "Report!" he barked out.

"All civilians have been evacuated. There are some light casualties among the frail and elderly, but no fatalities," Fugaku Uchiha reported.

"The area is secure, or at least as much as an area bubbling with the Kyubi's chakra can be," the hawk-masked ninja replied.

"Someone killed the container and released the fox," Danzo suggested. "That's the only thing that makes sense."

"How hard will it be to seal it back up?" Koharu demanded.

"We'd need three things to seal it back up," the Hokage said gravely. "We need someone who is willing to sacrifice their soul to the Shinigami and knows the sealing arts well enough to do it," he explained. "That we have, I'm capable and willing."

"And the other two?" Danzo asked.

"An Uzumaki child to hold it, as no other clan has the unique characteristics needed; of which Naruto was the last. And Finally, the fox has to be free," he said, trying to figure out what to do next.

"It's only been sealed in Uzumakis," Danzo said as he connected the dots of all the Nine's jailors up 'til now.

"This isn't free?" Koharu demanded.

"No, it's not," Sarutobi said with a tired sigh, thinking of his no-doubt dead grandson who he hadn't even gotten to spend his birthday with due to Leaf politics and emergencies. "Free, it would be a giant, red fox. It has contained itself inside that parcel of ground and as long as it is in a solid object such as that, it cannot be sealed."

"And so it can sit there, mocking us, and come out at a time it chooses when we are most vulnerable," Danzo replied. "I hate smart enemies."

"Why wasn't the container better protected?" Koharu demanded.

"Because you three decried it as a waste of resources," Sarutobi growled out, silencing them for a moment.

"Why aren't we feeling the chakra anymore?" Fugaku asked.

"It was transferring itself which released a lot of chakra as a consequence," the Hokage explained. "Now it has completed the transfer and is fully entrenched, so we'll only feel its presence when it decides to remind us."

"All this because of a child," Homura said, glaring at the red-tinted pavement around the building.

There was a loud smack as the Hokage backhanded his old friend to the ground. "The small child was doing a fine job despite being hampered by certain people. Whoever killed my grandson is responsible for all of this!"

"Grandson?" Danzo asked, looking for a way to turn this disaster to his advantage.

"Minato was like a son to me and I cared for Naruto like he was my grandchild," Sarutobi said sadly. "And I failed him."

"What do we do, Hokage-sama?" Fugaku asked, reminding Sarutobi of his job.

"We set up a perimeter and seal off the blocks surrounding this one," Sarutobi ordered. "No one goes in or out."

"Hai," Fugaku and the Hawk-masked ANBU chorused before they hurried to relay his orders.

"This day can not get any worse," Sarutobi said, just before a kunai was thrown from inside the building and quickly multiplied into dozens and thudded into the ground around the group. Flashes of yellow light erupted everywhere at once and everyone but Sarutobi was kicked in the groin.

Sarutobi found himself staring at his deceased predecessor who was radiating killing intent and demonic chakra and glaring through slitted, red eyes.

"I asked you to do one thing," Minato Namikaze the Forth Hokage said angrily.

Chains shot out of the ground and restrained a number of recovering ninja as they made a move towards a red-haired woman who carried a small, blond boy who had her in a death grip.

"You're really my mother? And we're really going to get ice cream? And they won't throw me out or ignore me?" the little boy asked in amazement.

"I'm going to take my son out for ice cream," Minato said. "The life of anyone who attacks us will be forfeit." Having said all he felt like saying, he appeared next to his wife and the pair vanished down the lane with Naruto.

"It can always get worse," Danzo noted. "What did we just witness?"

"We just witnessed a resurrected S-class ninja with access to demonic chakra, his former-demon-container wife, and his former-demon-container son going out for ice cream while the most powerful tailed beast in all of creation has sealed itself beyond our reach while making sure we're not beyond his," Sarutobi said calmly, shocked beyond belief.

"And angry that his wish for Naruto to be treated like a hero was ignored," Homura added, not willing to try to stand yet.

"Still want to be Hokage?" Sarutobi asked Danzo hopefully.

Danzo stared at him for a moment before saying, "Let me get back to you on that."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

The fox watched the fear and confusion around him with a great deal of amusement. He found that having his chakra not bound to living matter was strangely freeing, in a way that having a body wasn't. He fed some of his chakra into a bush in his territory, causing it to develop thorns and take on a reddish-green hue he quite liked. An errant ripple of chakra in the air opened a hole to elsewhere that drew the demon's attention, so he extended a thread to see what was on the other side.

He found a place he had never been before.

Extending a dozen threads of chakra to recreate the accident he began to examine a plethora of new worlds. Distracted by his new hobby, the Kyubi completely forgot about the time limit on his deal with Minato and let him draw on chakra to maintain his shadow clone while the fox gazed through dozens of random portals.

It would be decades before he paid Konoha more than token attention as he extended threads of himself through dozens of worlds, lost in amazement at all the new things to explore.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"What is that?" Koharu asked slowly as a creature that appeared to be a combination of rodent and man crept out of the bushes.

The Hokage sighed. "Ok, start setting up genjutsu seals around the entire block."

Danzo nodded to himself as he decided that founding a new village was a worthy goal. Wave was where the Uzumaki clan had come from and surely most of the buildings in the old village were still standing. As the Uzukage he could be an ally of Leaf, but more importantly he could be far from here.

"Is that... a dragon?" a chunin asked carefully.

"Dinosaur," a jounin corrected. "Notice the lack of wings and bird-like feet. The biology is similar, but there are some very definite difference between the two."

"Wow, how did you know that?"

"A jounin most know many things," he replied solemnly, not admitting he learned it playing D&amp;D.

'Yes', the Uzukage decided, 'it's time to take Root home to Wave and far away from here!'

**Typing By: Ordieth**


	16. Phoning it in 2

**Phoning it in 2**

Despite the fact that the black koala can talk, he insists on pretending he can't, so he mostly communicates through hand gestures and saying dog noises occasionally. I'm guessing he wants my story.

"I amused some higher being or other and was given powers and dropped in a world where I was going to have to face a one on one fight with Godzilla in a month," I explained.

He raises an eyebrow and just looks at me, clearly thinking I'm crazy.

I hold up a fork we got from Sears when we raided it for plates and silverware. It's a heavy duty utensil made of stainless steel and moderately thick. I twist it around my finger like it's Playdoh, before pulling it off my finger and handing it to him.

He takes it between two fingers and straightens it just as easily, but he looks thoughtful while spreading chili on a sandal and eating it. He nods showing he believes I'm not quite like most people.

"Naturally my first thought was to escape, because any fight between me and Godzilla is going to end with me being stepped on at this point, so I used my power to walk through shadows to a world where time moved a lot faster and things were a lot quieter so I could figure out what to do," I explained.

He waved a claw at everything around him with an inquiring look, before eating another shoe, a left one. He seems to only eat left shoes I'd noticed.

"Why here?" I guessed and received a nod. "Well this world is called Night of the Comet, because the comet that passed by emitted some exotic radiation that reduced all humans to red sand. That means I can take plenty of time to rest and gather supplies before moving on to a friendlier world where I can train to beat Godzilla or more likely just survive him."

He nodded and ate the last of his shoes and then the box it came in before cleaning his hands on a napkin... which he then ate.

"I'm John," I introduced myself again, "What's your name?"

He opened his mouth like he was going to speak but then closed it again and shrugged.

I tried to think up a name for a mutant black koala who was pretending to be a dog but drew a blank, and then I recalled him always leaving right shoes alone while eating the left ones. "How about I call you Murphy?" I asked.

He considered that for a minute and then nodded.

I found myself yawning. Apparently even the small amount of shadow walking I'd done had taken a lot out of me and only after I'd gotten some food and truly relaxed had it hit me. "I'm going to crash in the waterbed store. We'll talk more when I wake up."

Murphy nodded as I got up and stumbled out the door of the appliance store. I could probably have just laid down anywhere and napped, but that would probably end up with me stiff and sore when I awoke so I soldiered on. The waterbed warehouse was just a few doors down. The AC hit me as I entered momentarily waking me enough that I could undress before climbing into one of the display models.

Happiness is a heated waterbed. I slept.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

There was a moment of panic when I woke up, as I'd reached down to scratch myself and discovered some major changes. Fortunately I quickly recalled that I had been de-aged to the point I was barely in double digits age wise. Opening my eyes I saw something I was not expecting, Murphy was zooming around the ceiling leaving a faint rainbow of color behind him that quickly faded. A strange ability but being some kind of alien or mutant animal I'm sure he had a few. If it was considered a super power I'd have been able to sense it, if I was touching him. The power manipulator ability was powerful but limited in its own way, too bad I couldn't modify it...

I felt like smacking myself in the forehead as it occurred to me that it could manipulate any power and that included itself. I quickly modified the ability to sense powers into a ranged ability extending to greater ranges if I concentrated on it. Immediately I sensed two individuals with powers not including myself, one was Murphy and the other was... a fish?

There was a rather fat, orange, tropical fish with two rows of blue spots on it, floating through the air and I traced the power to a goldfish bowl where the same fish swam serenely. Apparently it could project its astral form, had precognitive dreams, telekinesis, and a healing factor. A nice power combo, but in a fish?

Climbing out of bed I accidentally kicked my clothes and the clank of vials reminded me they were there and I could feel them calling me to drink them once more. Ignoring the call, I got dressed and checked on them. It seems I only have three vials now as it looks like Murphy drank Acceleration and fed Foresight to his fish.

Seeing me awake, Murphy lands at my feet looking guilty.

"The vials called to you?" I guess and he nods rapidly. "OK, I get that," I admitted. "I can't fault you on that, but why give one to the fish?"

Murphy rubs his stomach and points at the sky. I have no clue what that means, so I just shrug and examine the three remaining vials. At least I know what they do now.

There are three power sets left. Energy could be anything, Gravity was probably the most powerful vial, and Mass... Mass seemed the most promising. Vision from The Avengers' comics did some really cheesy shit with the ability to alter his own mass and his defensive uses of it were top notch. Decision made I pop open the Mass vial and down it. It tastes like... Mambo Number Five? I pass out.

Murphy shakes me awake and I can tell my guess on what the vial did was close. I can spread out my mass, turning into a cloud or condense it becoming small and super dense. This made it almost certain Godzilla can't kill me.

I pick up the two remaining vials, Energy and Gravity. They no longer call out to me, but leaving them lying around is just asking for trouble. I push them into my shadow. Being as weak and untrained as I am (despite having Merlin's memories) I can only store small items in my shadow and any half trained Amberite or Shadow Spawn could have pulled them out, but that should be safe enough for now.

I experiment turning into a cloud and then playing with my size a bit. It's actually pretty fun and Murphy flies through me a few times scattering my form a bit as I learn to reform and move around as a cloud. The fish watches us, his astral form floating around and through items as we play around. Murphy discovers a new use for his ability as he does a fair imitation of the flash on the ground.

After a few hours I reform into my normal density and get dressed. It's almost noon, meaning I slept for close to twenty hours, and I'm hungry once more. "Let's go eat," I tell Murphy, making a note to get a backpack to hold supplies.

Murphy places the fish bowl in a little red wagon that he pulls behind him as I hold the door open so he can follow me.

We hit the grocery store once more for cans of chili, frozen pizza, and picnic supplies. It feels a bit wasteful to use new silverware rather than plastic or wash the old ones, but as this world is nearly empty of people and it'll be centuries (if ever) before a human ever comes here again, I don't think anyone will complain.

Murphy also loads up on sandwich supplies, putting loaves of bread and lots of peanut butter and jelly in his wagon. I'm guessing that's his usual fare since he only watched me open the cans and work the microwave. Naturally he also stopped by the beach apparel area and grabbed a dozen left flip flops.

We return to the appliance store and I dump all the dirt dishes and trash from our last meal into a trash bag. I lay out everything for our next meal, while Murphy makes a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which he drops in the fish bowl. I've never seen a tropical fish eat a sandwich before but the fat little fish starts nibbling away at it, making a sizable dent in very little time. It's almost hypnotic. I go back to making a feast of greasy junkfood a couple of minutes later as my stomach reminds me I'm hungry. No I don't normally eat this way but junkfood stay fresh longer than most foods so it's safer to eat in these types of situations.

"I need some catalogs of jewelry and another of heavy duty clothing like hiking and mountain climbing," I tell Murphy.

Murphy gives me a confused look, not seeing why I would like such things.

"You'll see," I promise. "You get them and I'll show you something cool."

He nods and leaves while I mix up some lemonade. A slice of pizza floats off the table and drops into the fish bowl, following the astral projection of the tropical fish. Nice to know I have a fellow fan of Hawaiian pizza. Everything is ready by the time Murphy returns with a Sears catalog and one from Zale's Jewelers.

"Bar, bark," Murphy says, handing me the catalogs.

I paged through the Sears catalog and found a good sized backpack. Making sure Murphy was watching, I reached inside the picture and pulled it out.

A half eaten chili, pizza, and left thong sandwich falls out of his hands as he stares at me in shock.

I laughed for a minute before explaining, "Libromancers are people who can reach into books and pull things out. Now that ability has a lot of restrictions and downsides normally, however being an Amberite I sidestep a lot of them."

He almost looks like he's going to ask some questions, but instead just gestures to his ear.

"More?" I ask.

He nods his head eagerly.

I start pulling out Jewelry from the Zale's catalog while I'm talking, "Well, Amberites are fairly complicated to explain so I'll just give you a summary. There is Amber, the central pillar of existence, and there is chaos. Everything real or imagined exists between those two points and are referred to as Shadows. Now since my father is from Amber, I can walk through the Shadows to find anything I want."

"Ahhh," he said impressed.

"Now, Libromancers are much more limited, relying on the belief of mankind in general to fuel their ability and eroding the boundaries between their shadow and chaos to a small degree that rebounds on their personal existence rather than on their world. Since I'm more powerful than any of them can ever hope to be and can reach through Shadow for items unaided, I can use their abilities as a shortcut for my own, so I don't have to sit for hours in meditation to get specific items."

Murphy shrugs, not getting half of what I said, probably because he doesn't have the right background to understand it.

"I can reach into books and pull things out," I explain.

His eyes get comically wide and he runs out of the store.

"How much you want to bet he's getting a book?" I ask the fish.

The fish does not respond.

I'm just finishing my second slice of pizza when Murphy dashes in with a Star Wars novel. I grin knowing exactly what he wants.

"Lightsaber?" I ask.

"Yeah!" he agrees nodding rapidly and completely forgetting he isn't supposed to be able to talk.

Opening the book I reach in and pull out a lightsaber, feeling it shift to match the local reality as I hand it to him. "Here you go. Just try not to cut any bits of yourself off."

Murphy switches it on and a four foot beam of blue plasma forms above the hilt with a soothing hum. His grin is the evilest I've ever seen.

The astral projection of the tropical fish begins telekinetically pulling the little red wagon containing his fishbowl towards the door.

As Murphy laughs like a certain super villain I realize the fish has the right idea and follow him.

I'm sure Murphy will calm down eventually and how destructive can one little mutant animal be, even with a lightsaber?

**Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	17. Phoning it in 3

**Phoning it in 3**

I dropped a slice of pizza in the fish bowl as we watched bits of the Waterbed Warehouse fall in on itself as the lightsaber cut hole after hole in it at high speeds. "That's an impressive amount of destruction," I noted, as Murphy cut a hole through the wall next to the front door and climbed through it.

The lightsaber fizzled and went out, leaving Murphy to shake it and hit it with his hand to try and get it to work again, like you'd do with a flashlight. He seemed to come back to himself and looked around at all the destruction sheepishly. He quickly spotted us and hurried over, offering the lightsaber back, obviously embarrassed.

I accepted it back. "Yeah, the batteries on these things are only good for an hour or so of continuous use. Most Jedi battles last a couple of minutes at most and if the charge isn't fully depleted it will regenerate to a degree."

There was a loud crash as the waterbed store collapsed in on itself, which set off a chain reaction that took out all the stores on that side of the street. Murphy shrank down.

"That's actually pretty impressive," I told Murphy, trying to cheer him up. "And it's not like anyone's going to complain."

He seemed to brighten up a bit and stood up straighter before slumping once more.

I could tell what he was thinking about. "Yeah, losing people sucks," I told him. "Personally, I take comfort in the knowledge that there are worlds where everyone I lost is still alive and well."

He perked up at that and looked at me intently, a question in his eyes.

It was easy to guess what he wanted to know. "Give me a couple of years to work on my skills and I can do it. At the moment my aim kinda sucks and walking in the shadows is dangerous. My priorities are to gain strength and skill at the moment, which helps with that, but like I said it's going to take me a couple of years."

Murphy smiled broadly. A fire alarm sounded and smoke started rising from the rubble as something caught fire. Murphy buried his face in his hands while I laughed.

I picked up the Star Wars novel and pushed the lightsaber back inside of it. "At least you didn't trash the bookstore," I told him. "I'll grab a couple of books to raid for supplies and then find some place to train."

Murphy looked thoughtful, obviously considering what I told him.

I dropped the Star Wars book in my backpack and noticed that we'd spilled a little water out of the fish bowl.

The fish was watching as his astral form telekinetically moved the water back into the bowl a drop at a time.

To strengthen my powers, I need either practice or time, and I'm not all that patient a person when I have the choice. I stuck a finger inside the bowl, but the fish avoids it and I'd rather not scare the fish or splash water around, so I concentrate to add some distance to how far I can extend my ability to manipulate powers.

I manage to extend the ability out to a couple dozen feet, feeling it take at least a quarter of the energy I can feel connected to it. I'll see if I can extend that later, for now it's more than enough for me to alter the fish's power.

I can affect range with my power, now let's see what else I can do. I strengthen his telekinesis, adding a specialty of aquakinesis, and watch as he easily returns all the water back to his bowl.

He examines me, using his actual body as well as his astral form, before using his new ability to work like a fish tank's pump and send bubbles though it adding more oxygen.

He's pretty intelligent for a fish, probably a side effect of gaining psychic powers. I'm not sure how he manages to operate his body while astral projecting, normally you'd need multi-presence or something similar to pull that off and I can't sense him having that power. It's possible fish have a natural ability to do something similar since many have eyes on separate sides of their heads with non-overlapping fields of view. I consider that for a moment before deciding to do one more test. I'm not sure this will work, but if it does it'll open up a lot more uses for my power.

I power all my remaining energy into strengthening his natural ability to split his attention into a true multi-presence ability and am rewarded by the feel of him gaining that ability and the sight of his astral form multiplying into an entire school of fish.

Being able to turn natural traits into their own powers is a game changer. Give me a couple of years preparation and Godzilla's going to have to run from me!

Murphy pokes me in the side and I realize I've been laughing maniacally. I blush. "Sorry, just figured out I could do some impressive things. Let's go to the bookstore."

He waves for me to follow and starts pulling the little red wagon down the road, ignoring the flaming wreckage of half a dozen stores just across from us.

He leads us to the mall and I smiled as the crisp air conditioned air rolled over us and elevator music played in the background. Being an 80's kid I love the mall, it was a place I often went to hang out with friends, commit petty crimes, and play videogames. Plus all the end of the world movies took place in there, so I was culturally conditioned to head for them when these events occurred.

Murphy waved for me to follow him but I spotted an Orange Julius. "Let's grab a drink first," I suggested heading for it. If you've never had an Orange Julius I pity you. I hopped the counter of the open air fast food joint in the center of the mall and examined the drink machine. Now, I've never worked at an Orange Julius, but I have worked at various fast food places before so I have a general idea of what to do. They design these things so they can be run by trained chimps if necessary. You better believe I can run one. A few minutes later we are sucking down orange slush thingies like crazy. It's another half an hour before we leave the stand and that's because we have to pee.

It takes us a little while to drink ourselves sick of Orange Julius' and head for the bookstore.

Murphy waves at a Waldenbooks and says, "Tada!"

I grinned widely and quickly entered the bookstore, breathing deep the scent of ink and paper. I go from shelf to shelf tossing copies of familiar series in my backpack, two if it's ones I enjoy reading. It's a good thing I expanded the inside of my backpack or I would have run out of room quickly. I frown as I notice certain series are missing before I remember I'm in the mid 80's and a lot of the series I like haven't been written yet. Well, that's easy enough to fix.

"Murph," I call out, distracting Murphy, who is currently chewing on a sandal. "I've recovered enough to Shadow Walk, so I'm going to go. I'll come back and get you when I'm stronger, OK?" I don't wait for a reply before I turn to go. I don't like long goodbyes and although I'm not compelled to return yet, the feeling of the geas is like a leash around my neck that I can't forget.

I concentrate and take a step forward, slightly distracted by the smell of smoke that lingered on my jacket. Naturally that's the facet of reality that I end up strengthening as I concentrate on moving to a Waldenbooks in LA, some thirty plus years from now. Reality seems to flicker around me as I focus on stepping forward like a time traveler who's car broke down and is forced to hoof it. It's not quite a Hellride and I fall to my knees panting as I reach as far as I can Walk for the moment. I tried to substitute force for skill and as I look around me, I realize that was definitely not a good idea.

The smell of smoke and the sound of gunfire lets me know I am no where near where I was trying to go. The lights are out, there is dirt and debris everywhere in the store. This place has been through a war and from the sounds outside that war is still going on.

I hear a noise behind me and quickly spin around. Murphy attempts a smile and waves as he stands there with the red wagon. I sigh. "We're here until I get enough energy to walk again," I explain.

Murphy nods and flies up to a small window in the back of the store that lets in the little sunlight that keeps us from being completely in the dark. His ears go flat and his eyes go wide before he drops to the floor, shaken from what he witnessed.

"What is it?" I asked.

Murphy starts moving stiffly forward with his arms out in front of him.

"Zombies?" I ask.

Murphy shakes his head and mimes shooting while moving stiffly with his arms out in front of him.

"Robots?" I guess.

He nods rapidly.

"Just keep your head down and stay away from the window," I tell him. "The front half of this store is blocked with... looks like a semi crashed into it. Anyway we should be safe here, at least long enough for me to rest and get us someplace safer."

He nods slowly this time, calming down and looking less nervous.

"Let me find a lamp and we can block off the window so we can relax a bit," I tell him.

He looks confused and gives me a look.

"Just find me a book with a lamp I can pull out of it," I explain, as I start searching myself. I run across several fantasy novels, but I don't need a lit torch, I need a lamp, preferably electric. I'm stuffing books in my backpack as I go, since despite this not being where I intended to go it is when or close to it.

Murphy pokes me with a magazine which turns out to be a copy of Outdoor Life, a camping magazine. "Thanks," I say before I page through it finding a plethora of ads on camping gear to choose from. I pull out a box of chem lights and break a few, activating them, so we can see a little better.

"See if you can block the window, while I get us some sleeping bags and pillows."

He nods and grabs a pile of books on new age meditation to cover the small window.

I start pulling everything I can out of the magazine. I need the practice and we've got plenty of room. Took bad I can't strengthen this ability with my power manipulation... I really have to stop doing that. I keep making assumptions instead of experimenting and verifying what I can and can't do. I make a mental note to see if I can turn my non-power powers into powers I can manipulate as soon as I'm rested enough to use that ability. I'm quickly surrounded by boxes of MRE's and camping gear, along with a fair amount of hunting equipment. It's getting harder to pull things out of the magazine I have, but that seems to be because I'm running out of items left, not because I've reached my limit.

Murphy sits next to me and we listen to the sound of gunfire taper off as thunder sounds in the distance. Murphy jumps up and starts making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, giving the first one to the fish before making another two and offering one to me. I accept the sandwich and wonder what happened to Murphy that made him afraid of thunder. Hopefully he'll decide to start speaking at some point and I can ask.

We watch dozens of astral fish float around aimlessly as we eat and once I finish I start searching for a particular young adult novel which hopefully they have in this reality. I find the series I'm looking for, but the first dozen novels are missing. Fortunately, they have a hardback version that covers five books at a time I can use. I take a deep breath and reach into it. There's a little resistance but I pull out the item I'm looking for remarkably easy. I thought it would be harder for some reason.

Murphy pokes me in the side and gestures at the item I'm holding and grinning like a loon at.

"This?" I hold it up and smile. "This is an Escafil device," I explain, as I show him the fist sized sky blue cube. "This will allow you to blend in anywhere."

Before I can explain further a vent in the ceiling pops open and someone falls out, hitting the floor and cursing quite loudly. The next half a dozen or so people who drop down from it do so much more smoothly and we are quickly ringed by what looks to be a jr high version of the rebels from Red Dawn. We stare at each other for a minute in silence, well except for the one still lying on the floor cursing.

"We come in peace," a dark haired boy offers.

I look at the amount of weapons they are carrying. "Bullshit," I reply.

That kills the conversation for a moment.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	18. Iron Age Politics

**Iron Age Politics**

The Iron Shadow of the Bat by ZAION only had two chapters and was last updated July of 2013. It featured a Xander who immediately left Sunnydale to move to Gotham after giving Batman all of Iron Man's technological secrets. Yeah, I just can't see that happening.

**Basic Concept:** BTSV is part of the DC Universe, Xander dressed as Iron Man for Halloween keeping both armor and memories, and unknown to anyone he is actually Bruce Wayne's illegitimate kid.

**Changes:** While DC and Marvel Universes have comic books and movies based on them Tony Stark is not a comic book geek and would not simply know the secret identities of everyone off the top of his head.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Tony Stark acknowledged the warning that he was violating the air space of LAX and quickly dropped below the flight-line and had Jarvis update the no fly zones in its memory.

Jarvis tapped into the local internet to do so after notifying Tony that he couldn't contact any Stark Industries Satellites.

"Do a systems check and then check your current database against local sources," Tony ordered, as he changed course from Stark Industries towards his private workshop where he could repair the satellite up-link in his armor.

"All systems functioning within established parameters," Jarvis announced. "Database shows less than thirty percent match to local sources. Orders?"

Tony stared at the bare cliff where his mansion should be for a moment before landing and sitting on a boulder.

"Orders, sir?" Jarvis repeated.

"Let's see what the papers say," Tony said bringing up a browser and paging through the LA Times. It quickly became apparent he was in another reality. Discovering a series of movies based on him clinched it. "I really wish I had some popcorn," he muttered as the first Iron Man movie began to play.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0 **

"Where's Buffy?" Angel demanded as he spotted Willow on her way to the library and matched pace with her.

Willow realized she didn't have to catch her breath and started speaking as she ran, "She insisted I take her to a proper Catholic church, so I took her to Saint Mary's on third. She was praying for salvation and for angels to damn me last I saw."

"How are you-" Angel began when Willow passed through a mailbox and he fell silent.

"I turned into what I dressed as," Willow explained. "As far as I can tell, nearly everyone did."

"We gotta tell-" Angel began.

"Giles, I know," Willow said running through the outer doors of the school.

***Thud***

Angel rubbed the side of his face and cursed as he'd followed Willow without thought and ran into the door.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Tony was halfway through the first movie when it felt like his head exploded. "Augh!"

"Sir, are you alright?" Jarvis asked as he scanned Tony and then rechecked his scan against the armor's calibration.

"Yeah," Xander said slowly as the pounding receded, "only I'm not Tony and you're not Jarvis."

"I am calibrated to fit you exactly, and my user settings have you listed as Tony and I as Jarvis," It pointed out, checking for viruses or anything else that may have corrupted its systems.

"Change my ID to Alexander Harris," Xander ordered, as he started adjusting to what had been done to him.

"Doing so now, sir," Jarvis replied.

"Are you a new hero or villain?" a feminine voice asked behind him.

Xander spun around. "You're Power Girl!" he said excitedly.

"I am rather noticeable," she said. "Now, hero or villain?" she reminded him.

Xander tilted his head and thought about it. "Is there a third category? I mean I was just your average high school student a couple of hours ago."

"And the armor?" she asked.

"Halloween costume," he explained. "I was taking a bunch of children trick or treating and the next thing I know I'm someone else and being told I'm in a no fly zone. I landed here and started checking where and when I was, because nothing matched with the LA I knew when ***bam!*** huge headache and I'm myself again."

"Any idea what happened?" she asked.

"Probably a spell or something," Xander said. "I better get back and make sure everyone's OK."

"What if your armor turns back into a costume while you're flying?" she asked.

"I didn't think of that," Xander admitted, sounding horrified.

"I'll fly you back," Power Girl offered, unaware his fear wasn't of falling but of having to rebuild his armor from scratch.

"Thanks," Xander said blushing as she swept him up in her arms. "Sunnydale, south of LA on the coast."

"Not a problem," she assured him as they took flight.

Xander laughed suddenly.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"And here is the knight in shining armor being rescued by the beautiful princess," Xander told her making her grin.

She quickly reached Sunnydale and paused to scan the town as they headed over it. "There's... vampires and monsters everywhere!" she exclaimed in horror.

"Yeah, Sunnydale is built atop a Hellmouth, we spend all of our free time fighting demons," Xander said slowly. "How did I forget that?"

"Magic," she replied, checking her com link. "Coms are down and I bet if I leave to report this I'll forget about it too."

"That explains why no superheroes ever come here, even though we lose dozens of people a day," Xander said.

"I- I-" Power Girl fell silent for a moment. "I need a safe place to set you down. I can take care of all the demons, but I need my hands free to do it."

"School roof over there is fine," Xander said pointing to the local high school. "How are you going to handle it?"

"Super-speed, heat vision, and my fists," she said as they landed and she set him down.

"Good plan, but some of them you really shouldn't touch with your bare hands," Xander said. "If you look in the book cage below us, you'll notice quite a few edged weapons, some of which are magically strengthened so superhuman blondes don't break them."

"Really?" Power Girl asked with a snicker, figuring he was joking.

"Cross my heart," Xander promised.

Power Girl was surprised to find there actually were swords where he said they were. Opening the skylight she floated down and examined the swords finding one that actually cut her thumb when she examined its edge.

"Can you actually kill them all?" he asked.

"Before they can blink," she promised.

Xander sighed as he remembered something. "We have one vampire you shouldn't dust. Gypsies cursed him with a soul, yadda yadda, he helps us."

"You don't exactly sound thrilled," she pointed out as she swung the sword to get a feel for it.

"I don't think a man in his mid 20's should date a high school girl, much less a dead man in his 20's," Xander admitted.

Power Girl made a face. "That is disturbing. How can I recognize him?"

"Lots of hair gel, black leather, and brooding in the shadows while stalking an underage blonde," Xander suggested. "He goes by the name Angel, so I guess you could just ask."

Power Girl nodded, took a deep breath, and vanished.

Hearing voices in the library Xander looked through the skylight and saw Buffy and Angel had arrived and were looking for Giles. "I can handle dropping off the roof, right?"

"Easily sir," Jarvis assured him. "However the floor of the library would not handle it nearly as well. Might I suggest landing in the dirt or on the asphalt?"

"That works," Xander agreed walking to the edge of the roof and looking down. "That's... a bit of a drop." Tony would have had perfect confidence in his armor to make it, easy. Xander, for all the memories he had of Tony's, wasn't so sure. It'd be just his luck for the armor to become sheet metal again while he was in midair. It took him a couple of minutes to find an easier way down, which involved dropping onto a lower roof and sliding down a drain spout, which tore loose and dropped him on his ass. On the plus side Jarvis had been right, he'd barely felt it.

Entering the library he found everyone had arrived and a starstruck Buffy was staring at Power Girl while Giles explained to her the difference in several demonic species and how best to kill them, before she vanished again.

"Xander!" Willow said excitedly as she spotted him, rushing over to hug him and looking quite distracting in the outfit she was wearing.

Xander mentally cursed the Tony portion of his brain while wondering why Willow had been dressed like that under her ghost outfit. Was she planning on attending a party later? "Hey, Wills," Xander said cheerfully, as Willow hugged him.

"Take off your helmet, your voice changer makes you sound like Mol- a robot," Willow said with a shiver.

Xander made a fake whoosh noise to cover the actual sound the helmet made as he unsealed it. Superficially his armor still looked like his costume, so unless someone examined it closely they wouldn't be able to tell the difference. He hadn't consciously decided to hid the fact that he had a fully functioning set of armor from them, it was more an instinctive move to avoid revealing secrets with someone he didn't trust in the room.

"You'll never guess what happened!" Willow enthused.

"Power Girl decided to take care of our little vampire problem," Xander replied.

"You guessed," Willow pouted.

"I suggested," Xander replied. "I explained our situation to her and suggested incinerating every single vampire in Sunnydale."

Buffy made a horrified noise that almost sounded like a squeak and clutched Angel tightly.

"Xander!" Willow exclaimed.

"Yes, a clean sweep of all undead before they had a chance to use the old mind mojo was my suggestion," Xander said cheerfully.

"You left out the part where you explained who Angel was and why I shouldn't destroy him," Power Girl said from behind him, making him jump, amusement clear in her tone.

Everyone stared at Xander as he sighed. "I may have mentioned there was a vampire with a large forehead who wasn't a complete monster... in passing," he admitted.

"At any rate, everything dead and moving has been cremated, everything identified as an evil demon has been taken apart, and everyone injured has been delivered to the hospital," she explained. "This town is as clean of demons as I can make it. Now, does anyone know how to avoid me forgetting about this place, so I can have a hero that specializes in magic take a look at it?"

"A physical note would be best," Giles explained. "Lethe wards have no effect on physical evidence, though it may cause you to throw it away before you get a chance to read it."

"Lethe wards?" Buffy asked.

"Sunnydale Syndrome," Giles explained.

"Burn a message into the sword," Angel spoke up. "It's too big to ignore and no one simply discards a sword."

"I'll do that," Power Girl agreed, holding up the sword and using her heat vision to burn a message in Kyptonian into the blade. "Hope the rest of your night goes better," she told the group as she floated off the ground.

"Wait!" Xander exclaimed, then realized he didn't know what to say. "Will I see you again?" he asked.

"How old are you?" she asked with a grin.

Xander chuckled. "Yeah, yeah." He smirked at her. "See you in a couple of years."

Power Girl laughed and vanished once more.

"What was that about?" Buffy asked.

"It's just not appropriate for people in their mid 20's to be dating jail bait," Xander replied. "So I'll wait a few years and try again."

"Oh," Buffy said, deciding quickly to change the subject. "How did you run into her?"

"I was standing on a cliff looking for Stark's house when they spell broke and she was checking on who had buzzed the airport. I needed a lift home and she was nice enough to oblige," Xander explained.

Willow stared at him wide eyed. "Good thing you were on the ground! If you had been in the air when your armor reverted..."

"Very much so, yes," Xander agreed cheerfully.

"So... what do we do now?" Willow asked drawing everyone's attention. "I mean... Sunnydale doesn't have any more monsters."

"I... I'm not sure," Giles admitted.

"Party," Xander said with a grin.

"Party?" Giles asked.

"Oh yeah," Buffy said as it hit her, there was no more vampires to kill. "Party!"

Even Angel smiled a little as the group began to get enthusiastic about the idea.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0 **

"This... complicates things," Richard Wilkens, the mayor of Sunnydale said, as he looked at the slaughtered remains of his security force.

"You don't have a contingency plan for this, sir?" the deputy mayor of Sunnydale asked.

"Not as such, no," the mayor admitted. "The closest I came was contemplating taking a yoga class."

"Yoga, sir?"

"Crass, I know, but fitting. All I can really do in a situation like this is bend over and kiss-"

Dr. Fate appeared in an ankh shaped flash of light.

"And now even that option is gone," the Mayor said. He perked up a bit. "Well at least I didn't waste my time taking yoga."

He always liked to look on the bright side of things.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel **


	19. Phoning it in 4

**Phoning it in 4**

"Is he ever going to stop cussing?" I ask.

"Not till he runs out of breath," a dark haired girl answers.

"Or you feed him," another boy adds.

"Murph, toss him some food," I call out causing the group of heavily armed children to spin around and finally take note of the dozens of floating fish and large pile of gear.

"Holy shit, dude!" a kid with dirty blonde hair exclaims as he notices Murphy.

Murphy drops a box of twinkies on the cursing boy who suddenly shuts up.

"You hit the motherlode here," the blonde boy says. "I don't suppose you'd care to share?" he asks hopefully.

"There's way too much for just me," I reply. "Help yourselves."

"Dude, seriously?" someone asks in shock.

"Just don't get into my backpack," I tell him.

The kids dive into the supplies and quickly replace a lot of their old or worn equipment and gear. All in all it takes nearly half an hour before they come up for air.

"Leo, make with the introductions already," a dark haired kid orders.

The polite blond haired boy sighs and begins to introduce the group to me. Most of them are just entering their teens or are a bit younger, all of them are wearing heavily worn camo gear, carrying a large assortment of weapons, and all of them look like they could use a hot bath and a lot of hot meals.

"Is there a bathroom in here?" a dark haired girl named Wendy asks.

"If not, the store next to us is a Bed, Bath, and Beyond," Eric offers. "I can escort furburger there through the vents."

"Stop calling me that," Wendy says rolling her eyes like it's an old joke between the two.

Murphy makes lightsaber noises and mimes cutting a hole through the wall.

"What is he a mutant of?" a red haired girl with the imaginative name of Red asked.

"And how is there floating fish holograms everywhere?" Stan asks suspiciously. "This is seriously freaky."

"If I'm dreaming let me know now," Eric says, "Cause I want a chance to get in a threesome before I wake up."

Bebe laughs. "Keep dreaming Eric. We either need more girls or for a couple of the guys to turn gay before that happens."

Eric turns to Leo. "Dude, I don't mean to sound queer or nothing, but I think Craig has a sweet ass and he's been checking you out."

Silence holds for a moment before everyone busts out laughing.

"Nah, but seriously, dude. What's up?" Eric asks.

"Me and my dog aren't from around here and my fish learned astral projection," I reply.

Everyone pauses and then looks towards Leo, who looks thoughtful for a moment before saying, "Ain't no way a machine could come up with something like that, he's safe fellas."

A tension I hadn't noticed seemed to go out of the group and there was a lot of clicks as safeties were engaged and weapons holstered. I can't believe the kids were so smooth I never noticed they were on a hair trigger to cut me down.

"I'm getting the others," Eric says climbing on top of a bookcase and boosting Kenny into the vent ahead of him, so he could pull him up.

"Others?" I ask.

"We left our injured two stores to the right," Leo explains. "It's a bit difficult to move around, so they guard our supplies."

"A hole in the wall would be easier to move through than the vents," I tell him, opening my backpack and reaching into a Star Wars novel inside of it.

Murphy stares at the lightsaber in my hand like a dog would stare at a stick, the kids recognize it as well.

"No freakin' way!" Red says.

I grin and activate it causing a four foot green energy blade to appear with a familiar sound. "let's make some doors."

"At least we don't have to worry about cutting any live wires or gas lines," Craig offers, as I pick a clear spot and quickly cut a five by three foot section of wall out and push it inwards.

Wendy and Red empty their canteens on a pair of dirty towels and use them to extinguish any flames or embers before Stan drags the debris out of the way.

It's rather obvious this group has been together for a long time and is very good at improvising. Hell, I didn't even consider that a lightsaber could start a fire cutting through a wall and they were already preparing for it to happen. These kids are seriously impressing me.

"Comic book store," Leo notes as we walk through the darkened store, dust everywhere but the store interior completely untouched.

A vent overhead pops open and Eric sticks his head out. "What the fuck?!"

"Lightsaber," Leo tells him, waving me to the next wall.

"Let me warn them first," Eric says before vanishing back into the vent.

"Probably a good idea," Leo agrees. "Jimmy can be a bit trigger happy."

"So... how far away are you from?" Bebe asks.

"Far enough I have no idea what's going on or what the whole robot thing is about," I admit.

"A galaxy far, far away?" Wendy jokes.

"That's not too far off," I admit. "More... sideways through time."

"I'd say you were full of shit, but you're way too strange to be from around here," Stan says. "Kyle, you want to give him the run down?"

"Sure," Kyle says. "Robot uprising, almost everyone dies from a nuclear exchange, Red plague kills off most of the adults and sterilizes everyone that's left. We'd just entered the fifth grade and were on a field trip. Our bus broke down inside a tunnel, saving us all during the nuclear exchange. So, we returned home, picked up a couple of people, and spent the next handful of years scavenging."

"We've had some laughs along the way," Leo points out, "but yeah, it's a heaping pile of suck."

"I don't suppose you have a way back to where you come from that seats a dozen?" Bebe asked hopefully.

I cut a hole in the wall and the two girls quickly smother the embers. "Yeah, I just need to rest first." I turn off the lightsaber and pretend to put it in my backpack while putting it back in a book. Leaving a lightsaber out where Murphy can get his hands on it would be beyond stupid.

Kenny and Eric introduce me to a girl named Karen who is my apparent age, with burn scars covering the left half her of her face and missing her left arm as well, a boy with metal braces on his limbs named Jimmy who stutters a lot, and a girl who is at least fifteen and has a splint on her right leg but otherwise seems fine named Shelly.

"You can get us out of here?" Leo asks intently.

"Easy as I got here, but I was aiming for some place way different, so there's no guarantee we won't end up some place worse," I warn them.

There's a lot of laughter that takes some time to die out.

"It's hard to imagine a place worse than this," Kenny says speaking for the group.

"Yeah, probably easy to find a brighter world," I said thoughtfully. I can feel the path back to the world we'd just left, it's a bit distant but easy enough to reach, it's traveling to new places that is hard.

"Can you cut a hole into Bed, Bath, and Beyond?" Bebe asks. "I'd like to sleep in a bed if possible."

"Sure," I agree, and with a little help we get the entire group back to the bookstore. Their supplies don't amount to much and were probably just an excuse to keep their injured out of harm's way.

"Where'd you get all the gear?" Shelly asks as I cut a hole into the next store and most of the group goes to examine it.

"I pulled it out of a magazine," I tell her not seeing a reason to lie and gaining a confused look from her.

"Like Paula the Pretty Princess?" Karen asks excitedly digging in her backpack and pulling out an old beat up magazine slash toy advertisement for an American knock off of Sailor Moon.

"I just reach in and pull stuff out," I explain. "The more powerful it is the more effort it takes."

"My favorite is the magic heart necklace she wears," Karen said opening the magazine to a well worn page. "It can heal any wounds, even old ones once a day!"

"Life doesn't work like that kiddo," Shelly says with a frown and then more tenderly, "sometimes you get hurt and you just have to go on."

Karen isn't listening as she runs her finger over the picture of a heart shaped jewel on a silver necklace. "It can even heal missing limbs."

I reach into the picture and whatever Shelly was about to say is lost as she stares open mouthed at the sight of my arm going into a physical object. The necklace is warm in my grasp and feels like it weighs a ton as I pull it towards me. Sweat begins to drip down my face and I can feel the pages of the magazine start to char as I pull. "Fuck!" I shout as it burns my hand and I drop it, but Karen's one hand snatches it out of midair before it can fall back inside the picture.

"Only the pure of heart can hold it," Karen says apologetically as her magazine crumbles into ash.

"What the fuck, dude?" Kenny demands as everyone has returned at my shout to see Karen holding a glowing jewel in her hand.

"But if someone who is pure of heart picks it up they are given a choice, to become beautiful, all their injured and imperfections healed, or to heal everyone around them," Karen says and a flash of white light blinds everyone.

The pain in my hand vanishes and as Karen grins, completely unchanged.

"B-but you could have been healed!" Bebe complains as she recovers. "You could have been beautiful!"

"Shut up, bitch!" Kenny growls at her. "She is beautiful!"

"I mean, we would have healed anyway, this was her shot at healing herself!" Bebe snaps at him. "I want my friends fucking perfect and a one shot heal spell could have healed her!"

Karen laughs and Eric helps her put on the necklace. "Yeah, but I can heal you all once a day now. Healing myself once is a waste compared to that."

"Well, my nobility boner just red lined," Eric announced. "Anyone else? No, just me then?"

"Jimmy?" Karen asked as Jimmy wasn't removing his braces.

"Y-yeah?" he stuttered.

"Aren't you healed?" she asked.

"I w-w-wasn't injured," he stuttered out. "M-My prob-problems are gen-gen-gen-genetic."

"Oh," she said sadly.

"Ch-cheer up," Jimmy ordered her. "On-on-one out of a dozen is d-damn good."

"Anyone here read Animorphs?" I asked pulling out the small blue cube. "It can fix Karen and, with a little fudging, Jimmy as well." What Karen did impressed me, and I can't let that kind of nobility go unrewarded.

"Are we sure I'm not just dreaming this?" Eric asked once more.

"You still ain't getting a threesome, so I think this is all real," Leo says cheerfully.

"Wait, the new standard for determining reality is me not getting my threesome?!" Eric demands.

"Yep," Shelly agrees as everyone nods.

"You guys suck!" Eric says shaking his head, before everyone bursts out laughing.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	20. Phoning it in 5

**Phoning it in 5**

"Kenny read me Animorphs before," Karen said. "It heals physical stuff, but not genetics, right?"

"Yeah, but Jimmy can just morph someone else to skip all the genetic problems, if he can't figure out how to blend his morph with someone else's to fix it," I explained.

"That's only good for two hours at a time," Kenny points out.

"Unless he stays past the two hour limit and allows the morph to lock," Eric says, having read the series as well.

"But then he'd be stuck as someone other than himself," Leo points out. "Plus, no more morphing."

Jimmy laughed. "Or-or I could t-touch the cube again an-and start wi-with a n-new base f-form."

Everyone fell silent for a moment.

"Is it really that simple?" Wendy asks.

"Man, that is a huge plot hole," I said while holding out the box to Jimmy.

Jimmy places a hand on the cube and it glows brightly for a second. "Th-that feels w-weird," he said before looking around for someone to copy. "M-may I?" he asks me as I'm the closest.

"May not work on me, but go ahead," I offer, holding out an arm. Jimmy places his hand on my forearm, I suppress the urge to yawn, and not five seconds later I'm staring at the face of my twin. It reminds me of shape shifting practice with my cousins when I was a kid... erm I mean when Merlin was.

"I feel... strong," Jimmy says, his stutter gone as he steps out of his braces in his now smaller body and stands up, his clothes hanging loose on him.

"Yeah, but you look like a shrimp," Eric assures him, as Jimmy starts testing out his range of motion and marveling at how easy it is to move now.

I hold the cube out for Karen and after Shelly helps her put on her necklace she places a hand on the cube and acquires the morphing ability.

"Can I copy you?" she asks Shelly.

"Sure, but we better get you changed into some bigger clothes before you try and take my form or you are going to have one hell of a wedgie," Shelly warns her.

It doesn't take long for everyone to use the cube and start turning into each other. The jokes, innuendo, and perverted suggestions got pretty crazy before I figure out how to calm everyone down.

I have a couple of flyers from KFC and Taco Bell, so I start pulling out buckets of chicken and trays of tacos.

Eric actually weeps tears of joy as I give him a bucket of extra crispy with a side order of mashed potatoes and gravy.

**After the feast...**

"I haven't been this full in forever," Red says.

"Yeah," Eric agrees. "If this is a dream, don't wake me up."

"Can you take us to a world like ours, but before the robots took over?" Bebe asks.

Stan speaks up, "Would we even fit in, in a place like that anymore?"

"How do you mean?" Leo questions him.

"We aren't the kids we were when all this started," Stan points out. "I mean... Hey Eric, someone beats up Kyle for being a Jew in the new High School they make us attend, as we are mostly high school age now, what do you do?"

"Double tap to the back of the skull with a homemade silencer for any survivors and remedial knife fighting lessons for Kyle," Eric said without thinking about it.

"Not seeing the problem here, except for him hogging all the action," Bebe said.

Stan groaned.

Leo laughed. "Remember how mad everyone used to get over little things like flesh wounds? Fellas, we ain't like them no more. We just need a good amount of supplies and some place safe from robots to be happy. The world we came from is filled with rules and laws that would chafe something awful, I reckon."

"We're still young enough they'd try to control us and make us conform," Shelly said. "Might be best if we stay off the grid and stick to the forests until we're eighteen."

"My aim kinda sucks," I admit. "I was aiming for some place quite different when I got here. I'm retracing my steps in the morning to a world with no war or robots, because a comet turned everyone into red sand, leaving everything else intact. Like I told Murphy, I need a couple years practice before I can take you to any specific place."

"Sounds like heaven to me already," Leo says cheerfully.

There was a horrible sound of metal tearing from the front of the store and in the space of a few heartbeats the kids were all in cover positions with weapons primed.

"Ok, new plan," I say grabbing my backpack and the handle of the little red wagon. "Everyone follow me to someplace else before any robots break in here."

"Move people," Leo orders, the soft spoken young man's voice commanding the group more effectively than I ever would have imagined.

"Follow," I say, stepping into the comic store while allowing my next step to be anywhere as long as it was away from robot apocalypse territory.

The world skips like the film switched reels.

The moon hangs full in the sky above us as we step into the courtyard of an abandoned castle. It looks like centuries since anyone has been here. My breath fogs the cool night air.

"Everyone here?" Leo demands scanning the group. "Any injuries?"

"All present and accounted for, no injuries, sir," Bebe and Eric chorus after a quick check.

Leo nods firmly and turns to me. "How safe is this place?"

"No idea," I admit. "I was thinking safe from a robot apocalypse but beyond that I don't know." I yawn loudly and shake my head. "I'm going to collapse now, traveling this way really takes it out of me." He nods and starts barking out orders while I pull out an unused copy of Outdoor Life and start pulling out of a large pile of camping gear for everyone.

I barely manage to crawl into a sleeping bag before passing out.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

I awake to the smell of coffee and bacon with drool on my shoulder and a knee in my kidneys. Murphy and Karen are curled up with me. I carefully untangle myself and wiggle out of the sleeping bag. All my energies are back to full as I've finally managed to get some decent sleep.

Bebe and Eric are cooking over a campfire in the middle of the courtyard, while Jenny and Leo are sipping coffee and talking in low voices. Everyone else is asleep, mostly in pairs in zipped together sleeping bags.

"Morning, Merlin," Leo says quietly but cheerfully. "Want some coffee?"

"I'm good," I tell him before taking out an Orange Julius menu and pulling out half a dozen drinks for everyone.

"You have the most bullshit abilities in all of existence," Eric says with a grin. "I so envy you!"

"You wouldn't happen to know why Jimmy is himself again, but with no problems, would you?" Leo asks. "He reverted in his sleep, but he's still healed." Jimmy looks to me for answers with a large smile on his face not especially concerned with how it happened.

"Residual self image," I reply. "I'm a natural shape shifter so he's still morphing me, but he used my ability to look like himself in his sleep."

"If you can already shapeshift why did you pull out the blue box?" Bebe asked curiously.

"Because morphing instantly heals any injury and shapeshifting doesn't," I replied. "Morphing has its limits, but it's quick and heals even missing limbs in seconds."

"Can I learn to reach into books like you can?" Jimmy asks.

"Let me check," I tell him before taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out while focusing on increasing my ability to sense powers… to powers not created by those vials. I can easily tell it works because everyone suddenly pings on my radar as morphers, well except for the fish and Murphy.

I turn my attention to Jimmy and find he has 'Morpher Locked' and all of my native gifts as a child of the Courts and of Amber. "No... but I have a similar skill you can learn since you copied me."

"Similar skill..." Leo says thoughtfully. "Did you learn that reach into book trick like you learned morphing because it was better in some ways?"

"Pretty much," I agree. "Libromancy is actually much worse than shadow shifting in most cases, but they combine really well."

"And if we all copy you we can learn that skill?" Leo asks.

"Among others," I agree.

"Are you an Angel?" Leo asks out of the blue.

"What?" I respond, confused.

"Our lives have been a large slice of hell for so long it seemed normal, but thanks to you that's no longer true. You have literally rescued us from Hell and seem determined to make our lives better than the ones we started with," Leo explained.

"If you were suddenly given a lot of power and ran across some kids in your situation, what would you do?" I countered. "I gotta exercise my powers to grow stronger, so helping you helps me as well. I'm not an Angel, I'm just not a dick."

"That makes sense," Leo agrees offering his hand and copying my DNA as we shake. "I'll do my best to learn what you have to teach."

Stan quickly picked his way through the camp after exiting the castle's interior. "Leo you might want to see this. Wendy's in the battlements keeping an eye on things, but... you better just see. I am not trying to explain this one."

Leo looks at me and I shrug. "We are far from robots, that's all I aimed for. We could be in Wonderland for all I know."

"Well let's go see where we are then," Leo says calmly, completely unfazed by anything that's occurred.

Frankly Leo impresses the hell out of me. He reminds me of my father, or Merlin's father rather, as regardless of the chaos around him he keeps a cool head and uses his commanding presence to keep order... yet when the crisis is past he can fade into the background.

Stan leads us onto the battlements, taking care to point out where to step lightly so we don't fall. Once we reach Wendy she gestures towards the clearing in front of the castle. The castle is surrounded by a forest straight out of a fairy tale, an endless sea of massive trees that breaks upon the rock that is this castle and the colors are unusually intense.

Turning to the meadow in front of the castle, I find myself a bit surprised to see half a dozen strangely colored horses, each radiating a specific power I could sense but not understand, like they were tarot cards come to life, something that I find to be a promising omen as my family… Merlin's family, uses specially prepared tarot cards as a magical tool. I can feel five major arcana and one minor, the Knight of Swords, which appeared to be a white coated azure maned stallion. The rest were all mares of varying sizes with horns and wings except for the smallest female who had neither.

"Are they dangerous?" Leo asked.

"Those horns look pretty sharp," Wendy said.

I eyed the wings all but the male and the smallest mare had. "They could fly right in if they had a mind to, but horses generally aren't aggressive."

"Not unless you're made of grass," Stan agreed.

I could feel the power of the group and it made me realized I lacked all of my... Merlin's usual magical gear. I had no magical weapons or armor, I had no spikard or trumps, I had no allies to call on nor spells hung on my mantel to cast. I was going to have to fix that and the first step to doing so would be getting some hairs from those horses. "I'm going to get some brushes and take a closer look. I should be OK, but I'd suggest everyone else stay back while I do so."

"Unicorns are only safe for virgins to be around, if I remember right," Leo says slowly. "Not many of us still have that qualification."

"You guys are only twelve or thirteen, right?" I ask.

Leo chuckles. "After the red plague no one could get pregnant and we got us a small group with no STDs and no one to pass them to us, so since we could die at any time, staying a virgin... just weren't all that important."

"You guys do know that any damage the red plague caused has been healed now, right?" I asked.

Leo froze and then exchanged glances with the others. Silence reigns for a moment before Wendy said softly," We could have children."

"I thought we'd be the last," Stan said in shock.

"We are going to need some solid birth control measures," Leo said firmly.

"What?!" Wendy exclaimed horrified.

"Havin' kids young is dangerous," Leo explained. "The main reason the age of consent is eighteen isn't because you don't know your own mind until that age, it's because giving birth young isn't healthy and is often deadly. Now I ain't saying you can't have children, I'm saying we need to wait until it is safe, for you and the baby."

"I... I guess that makes sense," Wendy said with a sigh.

"Ideally we'll have a safe place to raise the little guy too," Leo said. "There's an order to doing things and that order is; build a nest before laying your eggs."

"Shelia and Bebe are the two girls most likely to get pregnant right now," Wendy said. "They are the most physically mature."

"I ain't a doctor or nothin' but since everyone has just been cured, we got at least half a cycle before pregnancy becomes a risk, so start a count and no one has sex after that point without protection," Leo ordered. "If we can get some protection earlier that'd be even better."

"I'll pass the message," Wendy agreed.

"I think I can find you a place to build your nests," I offer. "I was just going to take you guys to an empty world so you could relax, but I think I know of a world with people you guys would fit in with.

"Really?" Stan asked surprised.

"Really," I say as I consider it. "They set their town up to make it hard for outsiders to reach. They know the meaning of privacy. Plus I think their docs are some of the best, they only deal with a small community and actually care about their patients."

Leo smiled. "I'm sure glad to hear that. I was already worrying about how I was going to become a doctor in just a couple of years."

I reach into my backpack and sort through magazines until I find one about horse grooming and drop it off the battlements. Stripping down to my boxers I stuff my clothes in my backpack and hand it to Leo.

"It's a bit cold to be runnin' around naked," Leo notes.

"Keep an eye on my backpack," I tell him before changing into my cloud form and floating down to where I'd dropped the magazine. Sure I could have warned them about what I was going to do, but this was a lot more fun and it was a harmless prank.

Opening The Local Equestrian I start going through it and look for useful items. I don't find any pants, but I do find some assless chaps, a white shirt, and a leather vest to wear. I probably look like the cowboy in The Village People, but at least I'm no longer standing around in my boxers.

I pull out a couple of watering troth and a couple of salt licks. The second troth I fill with oats before setting the salt licks alongside it and figuring out how to fill the first troth with water.

Relying solely on my… erm I mean, Merlin's magical training, I attempt to summon the water I need, carefully weaving a combination of air and dust to cause a localized rain cloud. It's a lot harder than I expect, because it called up much more power than I needed and it was hard to control it. I end up soaking myself and the ground for a couple of feet around me, but I manage to fill the troth.

I drop my wet gear to the side and pull out dry versions, briefly turning cloud again to dry myself off. Dressed and dry to find a camp stool and some brushes and wait for the horses to approach.

The Magician approaches first, she's the second smallest horse and is purple with a darker purple mane. She's a curious little horse, examining everything and trying both salt licks as well as the oats and water before approaching me.

I hold out a hand and let her smell me before I start grooming her. She makes pleased noises that sound almost like a human getting a massage. I get a number of hairs from her tail and mane as well as a few feathers just from brushing her. I pack those away in a small bag and pull out a fresh brush as I'm approached by The Empress, a larger pink horse with a tri-colored mane, purple, violet, and gold. It takes a little longer to groom her thanks to her larger size and I get a slightly greater amount of hairs and feathers.

"Can I help?" Karen asks, nearly giving me a heart attack.

"Sure, just be careful," I tell her, before I give her a brush and instructions on what to do.

Naturally Karen walks up to The Sun, an enormous white horse with a mane that constantly changes color, making it hard to tell what color it is. To my surprise The Sun kneels down to allow Karen to groom her.

The Moon is the same size as The Empress, but has a deep purple almost black coloration and her mane looks like the night sky, which seems rather appropriate. She doesn't make noises like the others do, but she keeps me working longer, nudging me to get certain areas.

I stretch a little and notice Karen is actually riding The Sun now and urging her faster as she strolls around the meadow.

I approach the smallest one cautiously so I don't spook her. The Fool flickers to Wheel of Fortune for a moment and I almost miss it. Maybe their arcana only stabilizes after they mature? Being the smallest and having no wings it takes little time to groom her and I actually have to replace my brush, as her pink poofy mane clogs the first one with hair. I go through two more brushes before I see the amusement in her eyes. I can tell when I'm being teased, so I purposely poof up her hair even more and she does that whickering noise that means a horse is laughing at you.

I noticed a pink gem in a gold setting hanging around her neck, but it's clearly magical so I leave it alone. Touching random magical items is generally a bad idea, as my seared palm can attest to. Karen's necklace left a little heart shaped scar on my right palm that it did not remove, nor did morphing.

Stallions are generally a lot more aggressive, so I left the horned but wingless white stallion with the azure mane for last. He's the only one who feels like a minor arcana, The Knight of Swords. I don't know if that has any significance or not.

As I head towards him he begins to back away until the two pink horses herd him my way. He sighs a lot like a hen pecked husband and allows himself to be pushed towards me. He's a bit larger than The Magician but lacks any wings, plus I've gotten quite good at grooming horses, so it takes me little time at all, despite the fact that his mane was a bit of a mess.

I have a good supply of feathers and hairs and figure I'm done, but the little pink one is staring at me and her arcana is flipping back and forth again. "Food, water, salt, and grooming," I tell her. "That's a fair trade for what I'm taking."

She snorts and I sigh. "Fine, give me a moment to figure out something." With magic there's a certain balance you have to maintain, so I have to pay for what I've received and apparently my current offering isn't enough, which I have to admit is true. It takes me a moment to figure out something more equitable. "OK, let's strengthen your magic," I tell The Knight of Swords placing a hand on him and calling up my power. As I enhance his magic I'm hit with a surge of healing energy as Karen calls out, "Heal," and nails us all with her amulet, trying to be helpful.

The Knight of Swords shudders under my hand and I copy his DNA to help calm him for a moment since I don't have a spell handy for that purpose as he undergoes some sort of transformation.

The Knight of Swords is now The Emperor, a major arcana. He's at least half a foot taller and has wings as well, which The Empress is examining closely.

"Satisfied?" I ask The Fool, who snickers at me again and nods.

"Good," I say and collect my bag. "Come on Karen, it's time to go."

"OK," she says cheerfully, running around to give all the horses a hug before we both head for the castle, entering through the open portcullis to find Eric and Bebe waiting for us.

"Dude, why are you dressed like the gay cowboy from The Village People?" Eric asks curiously.

**Typing By: Abyssal Angel**


	21. Iron Age Politics 2

**Iron Age Politics 2**

Xander awoke, yawned, scratched himself, and then winced as his mind reorganized itself. The lethe ward that had hidden Sunnydale was gone and a lot of his memories of comic books he'd read and cartoons he'd watched, resolved themselves into news articles and documentaries.

Magic had seriously warped his perception of reality, turning everything he'd read, seen, or heard about real life superheroes into fictional ones and now that the magic was gone he could see reality for what it was. He chuckled as he recalled Batman and Superman's secret identities or rather what 'comics' had said they were, a Janitor and a bus boy.

He was surprised to find that Tony Stark's home universe had a version of DC Comics much like they had Marvel comics here. Tony had read some as a kid, and though that was long ago he still remembered some of the basic facts and secret identities of the main heroes. Xander wasn't sure those were any more reliable than his memories of DC Comics, but it was possible they were correct.

Dismissing it as unimportant for the moment, he got ready for school, taking forever to get dressed as it was nearly impossible to find anything decent to wear. He had to raid his father's closet for a shirt in the end, but that, some black slacks, and a dress jacket that had been bought for a family reunion, had been deemed acceptable enough to go out in public wearing.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Good morning everyone," Xander said cheerfully as he entered the school library.

"We were just discussing possible after effects of the events of last night," Giles said as the girls stared in shock at Xander. "I take it from your early morning exuberance and new manner of dress, you also have something to share with us?"

"I'll go last," Xander said, pulling out a notepad and pen from his backpack, as he sat next to Willow across from Buffy.

"We already went," Buffy said.

"Yes, but I didn't hear it," Xander said, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Buffy has retained knowledge of French and needlepoint and Willow is corporeal once more," Giles stated. "And yourself?"

"Business acumen and fashion," Xander replied easily. "Being Tony Stark was an eye opener."

"I very much doubt the laws regarding business dealings in a movie will match up with the real world," Giles warned him.

"The laws and rules have always been subject to change without notice," Xander told him. "If you're just treading water you are losing ground in the business world. No, by business acumen I was referring to how to deal with people, not just his knowledge of running a corporation."

"No Iron Man?" Buffy asked.

"Sorry I'm late," Angel said as he came out of the stacks. "The demons who normally control the underground are gone, so there's a fair amount of flooding."

"Unusual to see you here this early," Xander noted politely.

"Giles had some work he wanted me to do, I'm just now finishing up," Angel supplied, not saying anything more.

Xander nodded and resumed writing on his notepad, much to everyone's surprise as a sarcastic comment or biting insult failed to materialize.

"Nothing?" Angel asked as the silence began to stretch on. "Usually you'd have made some comment about me by now."

"My opinion is unchanged," Xander said, "But there is nothing to be gained from restating it, and even though we'll be interacting less in the future, annoying you doesn't benefit me enough to make it worth my time."

Buffy turned to Giles. "Translation?"

"Really?" Giles asked Buffy.

"Well... no, but it would have been funnier if you'd explained it," Buffy said with a grin. Turning to Xander she asked, "You're going to avoid Angel now?"

"The only time we run into one another involves demons and deaths," Xander said. "Now that the Justice League knows about this place I expect we'll see a lot less of both."

"Patrols are going to be dead," Buffy said shaking her head.

"They won't try and reassign Buffy somewhere busier, will they?" Willow asked anxiously.

"No," Giles assured her. "Buffy is considered a guardian of the Hellmouth, residing here the way she does, and the council is forbidden from moving any Hellmouth guardians in anything but the direst emergencies."

"So... I'm retired?" Buffy guessed.

"Not completely," Giles hedged. "Patrols are still required, though they will be more of a formality I suppose. We can expect Potentials and their Watchers to come by for us to talk to occasionally so we can share our experiences with them."

"So I'm semi-retired, I just have to stay in shape in case of emergencies and play nice and give tours to people," Buffy summed up.

"Yes, that about covers it," Giles agreed.

"I thought Slayers lived like six months and died," Willow said stunned.

"Most Slayers spend as many as six months active and then retire," Giles explained. "The wards were warping our perceptions on the matter. Most Slayers either bit off more than they can chew, or finish what they were called for in about half a year and wait for the Slayer spirit to pass on to the next, after a little over seven years has passed on average."

"I don't know how to handle peace and quiet anymore," Buffy said, "Anyone have any ideas?"

"Channel that energy into your scholastic career so you get perfect grades," Xander suggested.

There was silence for a moment before the girls burst out laughing and Giles chuckled softly, while even Angel smiled slightly.

"It's not a joke," Xander said, surprising the group. "Thanks to Stark's memories I can see how easy it is to breeze through school with top grades as opposed to slacking off and just getting by. It takes nearly three times as much effort to slack off as it does just to do the work and turn it in."

"Holy crap, you're serious!" Buffy exclaimed in shock.

"Most of High school is just showing up and regurgitating useless facts," Xander explained. "The few classes that actually teach anything of value, teach it at the lowest level to appeal to the greatest number of people. A few simple mimetic aids to help with rote memorization and you're set."

"A lot of that rote memorization is to help turn you into a well rounded person mister," Willow argued.

"The majority of it you will never use in your life unless you end up on a game show," Xander said. "Imagine life is a block of wood, what goes farther, a screw with a sharp tip or one that's well rounded? If you don't focus your energies in one direction you will just spin in place and never reach your goal."

"If you just focus on one goal, you can miss a lot on the way there," Willow said firmly.

"A little detour now and then is fine," Xander allowed, "but switching goals is right out. You have to hit each goal before setting another one."

"A little obsessive but not a bad attitude," Willow admitted.

"Business acumen and fashion," Buffy said with a grin. "I think you got more out of Tony Stark than I got out of lady useless."

"Dress for the job you want," Xander told her, drawing in his notebook once more. "I want to be respected and successful, so I dressed like Tony Stark while you dressed..."

Buffy groaned and Willow decided to interrupt the two before an argument broke out, "What are you drawing?"

"A more modern stake launcher," Xander said. "Tiny sharpened wooden dowels, with iron bands so you can magnetically launch them. I figure you can fit a hundred a clip and use holy water to dampen the tip so they get maximum penetration on demons, while only giving humans flesh wounds."

"I thought you forgot all about Iron Man stuff!" Buffy exclaimed, as Willow stared at Xander's design with a big grin.

"Iron Man armor requires running a billion dollar corporation to afford and materials and technology that just don't exist in the real world," Xander explained. "Tony Stark however was a genius at designing weapons that could be mass produced, meaning clever applications of existing technology using common materials. This is a simple, functional weapon that only really works against vampires, but will work ungodly well against them."

"I'm speechless," Giles said.

"I'm in love," Buffy said drooling over the design.

"If it works, how much will it cost to sell the design to the Watcher's Council?" Giles asked.

"Giles we don't sell it to the Watcher's Council, what we do is we sell a lower powered model to a sporting goods company that can be used for games or some sport so they can be bought cheaply throughout the world," Xander told him. "While we have a low cost way to alter the design for our purposes so a Watcher can equip his Slayer with something the police will write off as a toy that they can easily get anywhere."

"That's beyond brilliant," Giles said.

"But no armor?" Willow asked.

"Not unless you can get me adamantium, vibranium, and a cease and desist order for quantum state irregularities in nano material production," Xander told her.

"What?" Buffy asked.

"Not just no, but no way in heck," Willow translated.

"I need a good patent attorney, which I'd like the Watcher's Council to pay for, because I'm going to have to sell this for way below its actual value to get as many companies as possible to buy it," Xander told Giles. "We want to get total market saturation."

"We'll need to test it first, but as long as it functions as you've described I foresee no problems. We may have trouble finding vampires to test it on however," Giles admitted.

"The latest crop of fledges wouldn't have been touched by Power Girl as they haven't risen yet," Angel said. "There are a couple of graves I've been watching that may get us a test subject."

"That would be very helpful, thanks," Xander said, surprised it wasn't painful to say that to the ensouled vampire.

"How are you going to market it as a game?" Willow asked.

"A target shooter for kids," Xander explained. "The chamber can handle any material the appropriate size, so it can be used with appropriately shaped Nerf darts with little metal rings."

"And the holy water application?" Giles asked.

"Water soluble florescent paint so when they tip of the Nerf dart hits them or a target they can't claim they missed," Xander explained. "With luck we can replace laser tag arenas with them, since physically shooting things is a lot more fun."

"That would do it," Buffy agreed.

"What do you need to build it?" Giles asked.

"About fifty dollars and access to the wood and metal shop," Xander replied. "It's made from easy to find equipment and I can machine the parts and make the ammo myself. The only thing I can't do is bless the water, though I think sanctified grape juice from the catholic church would probably work better and I think I can add pressure to the water reservoir and a 'pressure release valve' above the barrel so you could spray it around in case you were in close quarters."

"Can you reinforce it so I can hit people with it?" Buffy asked hopefully.

"Not in the prototype as we'll be using sheet metal or tin, but it should be pretty easy to reinforce one with a nice strong titanium alloy for your personal use once we've got all the bugs out of it," Xander assured her.

"How long will it take to build one?" Willow asked.

"It's a simple enough design, but without a fabricator I have to make all the pieces by hand so we're looking at about six hours," Xander said with a sigh. At everyone's shocked looks he nodded. "I know, that's practically forever and I can't modify the design on the fly the way I can with a good fab unit, but needs must."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Send in my three o'clock," Mayor Wilkens told his secretary over the intercom.

"On his way," the secretary replied as the door to his office opened and Alexander Harris entered, carrying blueprints for proposed changes to the aqueduct and a low cost desalination plant that should not only solve the town's water shortage problems but should provide a rather large excess they could sell.

"Alexander, my boy, so good to see you," Richard said cheerfully. The very chaotic natures of the young man made the ankh brand on his chest itch, but the improvements suggested for the town's utilities more than made up for that minor inconvenience.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	22. Phoning it in: Side Story 1

**Phoning it in: Side Story 1 **

**For those that requested the MLP part of the last scene...**

"Argh!" Twilight Sparkle exploded before slumping down in a pile of books, defeated.

"Are you OK, Twi?" Spike asked cautiously.

"Yes and no," she admitted with a sigh. "I'm fine, but unless I come up with a solution, my brother's going to die!"

"What?!" the young dragon exclaimed in shock. "B-but Shining looked fine when I last saw him!"

"I don't mean he's sick," Twilight said, "he's perfectly healthy, but Cadence is an Alicorn and immortal, and for that matter so am I, and neither one of us wants to watch him age and die."

"You were once a Unicorn just like him, only last year in fact, so why can't Princess Celestia do to him what she did to you?" he asked.

Twilight shook her head. "She put me on the path to becoming an Alicorn, but I had to do everything myself and everyone's path is different. Princess Celestia had several prophecies that helped guide her actions and she still made some mistakes. I have no clue where to even start with my brother and there is no magic I can find that would help me figure it out!"

"So this would be a bad time to tell you Pinkie has invited you to a party?" Spike asked.

"Until I solve this I have no time for parties," Twilight said before turning and running face first into Pinkie Pie.

"No time for parties!" Pinkie exclaimed in shock, "Are you insane?! Are you sick?! Did you develop hoof in mouth syndrome?!" she screaming in Twilight's face bowling her over.

Twilight got to her hooves with a groan. "I have to figure out how to make my brother an Alicorn and that's way more important than a party."

"More important than a party?!" Pinkie exclaimed in horror. "Sacrilege! Spike, I'll gather the villagers, you get the pitchforks and torches!"

"Right," Spike said, rushing off.

"This heresy shall not- Wait," Pinkie paused, "if I can get your brother turned into an Alicorn you can make it to my party, right?"

"Yeah," twilight agreed, "but good luck on that, I've been working non-stop for a week and I haven't found a single clue on how to do that."

"Fine, I need you to get you, Shining, Cadence, Celestia, and Luna to the Castle of the Two Sisters by tomorrow morning before breakfast," Pinkie said. "I have some preparations to make."

"Pinkie! I can't just order them around, what should I tell them?"

"Tell them Pinkie said so," Pinkie replied before bouncing off.

Twilight shook her head. "I can't see this going over well."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"The good thing about traveling with Tia is you always know when sunrise is," Luna said cheerfully to Cadence as they followed Pinkie deep into the Everfree Forest.

"After my second cup of coffee," Celestia agreed readily.

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Twilight asked Pinkie for the hundredth time. "And why can't you explain it?"

"Yes it will work and explaining it is kind of difficult," Pinkie said. "I'd have to explain my explanation and then I'd have to explain that and... and it would just go on forever!"

"How about you explain it to me and I won't ask for anymore explanations on it?" Twilight begged.

"Promise?" Pinkie asked.

"Pinkie Promise," twilight agreed, shaking hooves with her.

"Now the main problem with making Shining an Alicorn is that we don't know what kind of quests and personal growth Shining needs to accomplish that," Pinkie said, "thus we need someone from outside this fiction to change the context of the problem."

"I understood some of that," Twilight said with a sigh.

"As a fourth wall breaker I have knowledge and abilities you don't," Pinkie said with a shrug, "So I am going to gather all the pieces needed to attract an SI, which is someone who was taken from the other side of the fourth wall and pushed through it, and bribe him to fix the problem."

"And I understood almost none of that," Twilight admitted.

"Just tell us what we have to do," Shining said.

"We have to hide our cutie marks and let a strange offshoot of the ape family groom us, while pretending to have the same intelligence as a dog and keeping our mouths shut," Pinkie explained.

"Can I ask questions about this?" Twilight asked.

"Sure," Pinkie said cheerfully.

"Why do we have to pretend to be animals?" she asked.

"So we don't scare him off," Pinkie replied. "SIs can be real skittish sometimes."

"And why would he help us?"

"Because he's going to collect loose feathers and hair, so he has to pay us back for them," Pinkie explained.

"Turning me into an Alicorn seems like a steep price for that," Shining said, still not quite sold on the idea, as he was perfectly happy as he was.

"His context is different than ours," Pinkie said," so the value of what he gets will be different as well."

"So why are we hiding our cutie marks?" Cadence asked.

"So he doesn't get distracted and 'fix' the wrong thing," Pinkie said, "the last thing we need is for him to think the best way to pay us back is to start altering cutie marks. Now remember, we are just supposed to be animals so leave all books, bags, clothing, and jewelry on the trail before we reach the meadow in front of the castle," Pinkie announced.

"You're going to leave the Element of Laughter in the forest?!" Twilight exclaimed in shock.

"Nope, I'll need it to enhance my magic so he doesn't turn me into an Alicorn," Pinkie said.

"And it won't confuse things?" Luna asked.

"Maybe, but if that happens you'll all end up with new Elements and we'll simply have to try and find another way," Pinkie said as they stopped near their goal," and as an Element Bearer, Shining will age really slow so we'll have more time to figure things out. Now everypony strip!"

**After…**

Cadence nuzzled Shining causing his wings to stiffen and making her laugh as he blushed.

Pinkie grinned as they watched the two Alicorns frolic like foals on the trail ahead of them.

"Come on guys, you can play around once we reach Ponyville," Pinkie told them. "Spike and the Crusaders should have the party set up and ready for us."

"What's this party for?" Twilight asked.

"It's the first annual celebration of Shining's ascension to Alicornhood," Pinkie said cheerfully. "I put flyers up for it last week."

Pinkie bounced ahead to keep Cadence and Shining moving forward and not wandering off the trail.

"It's really best not to think about these things," Celestia told her with a smirk as Twilight froze up, her jaw hanging open.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel  
**


	23. Lex Marks the Spot 1

**Lex Marks the Spot!**

Xander blinked a few times and looked around. He'd just been escorting children trick or treating, in the only costume he'd been able to come up with due to his limited budget. A single piece of costume jewelry, a fake bald 'wig' combined with an LED from Radio Shack, and his Sunday best had made for a passable-

"Mr. Luthor, your three o'clock is here," the intercom announced, interrupting his thoughts.

"Send him in," Xander replied before leaning back in his chair, and examining the ring on his left hand with its softly glowing green stone. He knew he should be freaking out or shocked, but for some reason he felt remarkably calm and he could see a lot of ways he could have fun with this situation before it ended.

Xander looked up and saw a familiar looking face extending a hand to shake. "Give me a moment, Mr. Kent," Xander said, pulling a lead lined box out of a desk drawer and depositing his ring in it."

Clark shook his hand, making sure to make his grip limp and weak. "If I may ask, why did you take off your ring?" He'd expected to have to suffer through nearly half an hour of Kryptonite 's weakening effects to get his interview and had counted on the fact that Luthor kept people at a distance in his spacious office to help him endure it, but now Luthor had removed his ring, which meant he might have figured out who Superman was, making this all an elaborate trap!

"Because wearing it is childish, petty, and possibly dangerous now that I think about it," Xander replied.

Clark was surprised to hear the honesty and amusement in Luthor's tone. "Could you expand on that?"

"Sure," Xander said cheerfully. "Everyone knows I just wear it to annoy Superman and he's the last person on Earth who would actually attack me physically, ironic as that is. So it's both childish and petty to keep on wearing it. Now, it also occurred to me that no long term studies have been done to the effects of Kryptonite exposure on humans, thus possibly dangerous as well."

"That- that makes a great deal of sense," Clark said, trying to hide his surprise.

Xander chuckled. "And completely out of character for me, I know. The really funny part is that Superman is only vulnerable to Kryptonite because he's just about as bad as I was."

"How so?" Clark asked intently.

"Kryptonite radiation can be stopped by lead, gold, and similar high density metals as well as specifically tuned energy fields. He could easily redesign his costume using some of the advanced technology he has access to, to either cover him in some thin exotic kryptonite radiation blocking material on exposure or generate a field to block it."

"That's... quite an idea," Clark said in shock.

"That's nothing," Xander waved it off. "He could have a hidden red sun field generator in his belt so he could flip it on, neutralizing his powers and the kryptonite's effect on him."

"But that would make him powerless," Clark pointed out.

"Far from it," Xander said, shaking his head. "It would simply reduce him to human levels, allowing him to go hand to hand without holding back."

"I hadn't thought of that," Clark admitted.

"Superman is a good guy and by that I mean a good man not just a good guy, if you see the difference. But if there's two things I'm good at, it's making money and annoying Superheroes, so you can bet he's had to restrain himself from hitting me at times," Xander said with a grin.

"You have had your differences," Clark admitted.

"So imagine how satisfying it would have been for Superman to get to paste one on my grill, just mano a mano," Xander said, amused at the look on Clark's face as he realized he could have done just what Lex was describing and he'd now lost the opportunity.

"Being Superman he couldn't do much more than hit you a few times and turn you over to the cops," Clark said.

Xander laughed. "I'm a trained fighter, Superman isn't nearly as skilled. I'd beat him bloody, but your average crook he could handle."

"I think you'd be surprised," Clark said, forgetting he was playing a role for a second.

"I really wouldn't," Xander said. "Sadly I know more about Superman and his skill levels than anyone but Batman, who obviously trained him. But enough about Superman, I've wasted far too much time needlessly antagonizing him in some adolescent dick waving contest that I've now outgrown. Let's start this interview on...?"

"The recent pay cut to your workers in Gotham," Clark said, pulling out a voice recorder.

"You'll have to refresh my memory on that, I'm afraid I've been dealing with oversea expenditures and have completely blanked on the details," Xander said.

Clark nodded and talked at length about Lex's Gotham holdings and how Luthor's twenty percent pay cut would affect the local neighborhoods.

Xander reached over and pushed the button for his secretary. "Mercy, get me the man I put in charge of Gotham on the line, I want to hear him justify the pay cut to Mr. Kent."

"Right away, sir," she replied.

"I thought you handled all major business decisions yourself," Clark said.

"There is only so much information one man can process and retain with any degree of accuracy, that's why I hire people to work for me and follow their advice, unless I have some reason to believe they're wrong," Xander explained.

"Craig Johnson on line two, sir," Mercy announced over the intercom. "Transferring him now."

"You wanted to talk to me, Mr. Luthor?" Johnson asked.

"Craig, I have Clark from the Daily Planet here and he wants to know how we're justifying the twenty percent cut in pay for our Gotham workers," Xander explained.

"Financial forecasts for the upcoming quarter in Gotham shows a minor recession heading our way and by cutting salary's by twenty percent we are hoping to avoid a drop in stock prices that would necessitate closing our Gotham offices," Craig explained promptly.

"Hmm," Xander said tapping his chin. "Show me the hard data on that, so I can eyeball it for a minute."

"You should already have it, sir," Johnson replied.

Xander logged onto the computer built into his desk and quickly brought up the relevant files and glanced through it. "This looks familiar."

"I've shown you the data before, sir," Johnson said nervously.

Xander chuckled. "I mean I've seen this pattern before and yes I know how financial forecasting works, but just as an experiment... let's take a look at the times when a recession did not result from these numbers and see what local businesses did at that time."

It took several minutes before they had a definite pattern that even someone who was untutored in business could see.

"It only caused recessions in one case out of twelve before 1984," Clark noted. "What happened in 1984?"

"There's no telling," Johnson admitted with a sigh. "It could be anything from the price of rice to women's skirt length."

Xander laughed suddenly. "Actually, I believe I know exactly what happened."

"Yes, sir?" Johnson asked curiously.

"Let me give you a clue and see if you get it," Xander said. "I looked up redundant in the dictionary and you know what it said?"

"What?" Clark asked.

"See redundant," Xander replied and laughed only to sigh as neither got the joke. "Recursive error."

"How so?" Clark asked.

"Financial forecasting became a big thing in the early 80's, meaning everyone is responding to the forecast itself and not the market. Forecasting a recession is causing a recession," Xander explained.

"That's awful," Clark said shaking his head.

"Not for Lexcorp it isn't," Xander said. "Double the salary of everyone that stayed with the company after getting their pay cut," Xander ordered. "And prepare for expansion in Gotham as the forced recession takes effect. With proper management we can pick up all the business that everyone else loses, making a fortune for the company without negatively affecting the local population. In effect we will prevent a recession for anyone, but the businesses cutting their employee's salaries and selling off their holdings."

"Sir, you have a reporter with you," Johnson pointed out.

"Good point," Xander said before turning to Clark. "Clark, don't report this or you'll cause a recession."

"The public has a right to know," Clark said.

"True, however what you'll be doing is causing the disaster by warning them of it. It's morally the same as shouting fire in a crowded theater," Xander told him. He knew he really shouldn't be tweaking Superman's nose the way he was, but the memories from Luthor made it just so satisfying!

"I need to report on something," Clark said with a sigh.

"Report that we went over the numbers and you convinced us that we should be investing in Gotham," Xander said. "It's the truth."

"Reporters are supposed to report the news, not make it," Clark said.

"Miss Lane must have missed that memo," Xander joked surprising a laugh out of Clark. "Fine just report that while going over the numbers we decided pay cuts were unnecessary and we're in fact going to increase pay across the board for our loyal employees. We are also going to look into starting in-house medical care for all our employees and their families."

"That's suspiciously generous," Clark noted.

"Mr. Kent, do you know how many new materials Lexcorp employees work with each year?" Xander asked. "Materials that may prove harmful?"

"Quite a few I'd imagine," Clark replied. "But I believe rigorous testing is required to make sure they're not harmful."

"Life is not a laboratory, Mr. Kent," Xander said seriously. "On the job, things occur which no one can foresee, but a good doctor can see what is happening and prevent disasters like one asbestos created. In this day and age an ounce of prevention is worth far more than a pound of cure."

"There is some truth to that," Clark admitted.

"Some of the largest costs for families today is medical care. If medical care is covered by working for Lexcorp, not only can we avoid disasters that cost thousands of lives and billions of dollars, but we can improve employee retention. There are many businesses that rely on regular employee turnover to make their money, but Lexcorp is not one of them! Skilled employees are worth far more than people think... and I sound like I'm giving a speech. Let's just say providing medical care is not only the right thing to do, it's the fiscally smart thing to do for multiple reasons."

"You've managed to make helping your employees sound selfish," Clark said shaking his head.

"No, I've simply pointed out selfish reasons to help our employees. There are lots of altruistic reasons to do so, but as a businessman I have to be able to sell it to my shareholders, and I fully intend to see it done for both reasons," Xander said, wondering why more businessmen didn't do it since it was blindingly obvious.

"I think I have enough for my story," Clark said, "though it wasn't the story I planned on writing."

"Life is not a laboratory, Mr. Kent," Xander repeated with a smirk.

"I believe I'll be quoting you on that," Clark agreed. "Good day, Mr. Luthor."

"Good day, Mr. Kent," Xander replied.

As the door shut behind him Johnson spoke up, "Sir, am I really instituting those changes or was that just for show?"

"Make it so, Mr. Johnson," Xander said. "Also start a college fund for employee dependents who want to go to med school. If they agree to an 8 year contract when they graduate, we'll cover all their education costs. The world never has enough doctors and this way we'll get them while they're still young and idealistic."

"On it, sir," Johnson replied.

"Good, Luthor out," Xander said with a grin as he hit the call end button.

"Marcy do I have any more appointments today?" he asked.

"A five o'clock at Cadmus," she replied. "Should I bring the car around?"

"Do that, but first..."

"Yes?" she asked when he trailed off in thought.

Xander thought about Superboy and began to grin. "Can you get me a sample of Bruce Wayne's DNA?" 'Let's see Kal-El ignore Superboy while he's being raised by Batman!'

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	24. Iron Age Politics 3

**Iron Age Politics 3**

"It's a shame you didn't get to keep your armor after Halloween," Willow said as they ate lunch sitting at a picnic table under a tree in the quad.

"What are you talking about?" Xander asked. "Of course I kept it, it's in my room at home."

"I mean that it doesn't still work," Willow said bumping her shoulder against his.

"Of course it still works, when did I say it no longer works?" Xander asked. "Giles asked about changes to ourselves not our costumes and I said building a set of Iron Man armor would require tons of money and materials that didn't exist in our reality, both of which are true, but at no point did I say my armor had reverted to sheet metal. I would have told you both earlier, but this is the first time I've had a chance to tell you without anyone I didn't want listening in."

"I thought you'd gotten over your problems with Angel," Buffy said.

"OK, first, I've told you my opinion of him is unchanged, I just don't feel the need to harp on it anymore, and second, it's not actually him I'm referring to. Let me explain before you both get the wrong idea. Giles is part of the Watcher's Council and may feel it's his duty to report to them. I don't have the best opinion of the council considering the way they have or rather haven't given Buffy a lot of support in saving the world. Something about them seems fishy and I don't want to make Giles choose between keeping my secret and his duty."

"That makes sense," Buffy said slowly as she thought about it. "I mean, I don't think Giles would snitch on you, but this way he has plausible deniability if they ever find out."

"Plausible deniability generally means they know but it's plausible that they didn't," Willow said.

"And him not knowing makes it even plausier," Buffy said cheerfully. "I'm just glad it's not because of Angel."

Xander nodded, glad he hadn't blurted anything out a few days ago before he'd gotten a chance to consider all the angles. "Angel, while I'm not a fan, isn't a deal breaker, however the fact that the demon Angelus sees and hears everything he does is."

"What?" Buffy asked.

"Angel is running the show, but the demon is still there. Angel has complained about his demon before," Xander pointed out. "At any rate neither one of them needs to know about it."

"Isn't it going to be obvious when you start flying around, fighting crime?" Buffy asked.

"I'm not planning to do that," Xander said with a shrug. "I can do a lot more good using my brain than punching out guys wearing costumes."

"Like with my new toy," Buffy said in understanding. "Cause that is a big help, not just to me but to future Slayers, Watchers, and pretty much anyone who doesn't like vampires."

"Exactly," Xander agreed. "I can do more good helping others, rather than trying to do it all myself."

"Can I have your armor then?" Buffy asked hopefully.

"What? No!" Xander exclaimed horrified.

"But you're not using it," Buffy whined.

"Not using- Buffy, do you have any idea how many tools are built into my armor and how useful having an AI with a huge database is for what I plan on doing?" he asked.

"I thought it was just armor with built in weapons," Buffy admitted.

"First and foremost, Iron Man armors were tools, not weapons," Xander explained. "They excelled as weapons but they were made to fix various problems, often by punching said problems in the face admittedly, but they were tools first and foremost."

"Quantum state irregularities?" Willow asked, wanting to know if he'd lied to her in the library and not just mislead.

"Is a thing," he assured her. "Reed came up with a device to prevent that."

"OK," Willow said, smiling once more.

"So why did it take so long to tell us?" Buffy asked. "I'm pretty sure there have been plenty of opportunities in the last couple of days, no matter what you claim."

"True," he admitted. "I wanted to tell you both at once so I wouldn't have to go through this twice which narrowed things down a bit, but I've also been busy as you both know, and finally I was trying to figure out the right way to tell you without simply saying 'You girls want to help me wax my armor?' and finally I was making sure I had a big enough bribe to get you two to forgive me if I fumbled my explanation."

"You have bribes for us?" Buffy asked with a grin.

"Extra Twinkies?" Willow guessed as the pair giggled.

"A new computer and a gift card for the mall," Xander said handing Buffy a card. "The computer is at my lab."

"I already have a top of the line system that I've overclocked by three hundred percent," Willow said smugly.

"Yeah, cutting edge doesn't impress me," Xander told her. "And 300 percent is still slow. I built you a much better system with a custom OS. It's not exactly a CRAY, but only because it takes up a lot less space."

"This is five hundred dollars!" Buffy exclaimed.

"A bit small, I know, but I'm working on a budget right now," Xander said cheerfully. "Once I get my company up and running I'll be able to afford to get you guys some decent gifts."

"This isn't decent?!" Buffy demanded in shock.

Xander paused and thought about it. "As Xander before Halloween it would be a huge gift, as Tony it would be the equivalent of picking up something at 7-11 at the last minute, almost insulting. As I am now it's about equal to splurging on flowers and chocolate, nice but not overboard."

Buffy relaxed a little, happy that she could keep it without sending out the wrong signal or taking advantage of Xander. "So business is going well?"

"The Council is still wavering on paying for a patent attorney, but I've done some work for the city that's netted me a bit of seed money so I'm flush with cash at the moment and already working on several minor improvements to existing products that I plan to license or sell to the companies that produce them. At this point I can afford a patent attorney easy, but since I've already offered that honor to the council, I'm holding off for the moment to see if they want to work with me or not, because I have ideas for more than just a simple dart launcher." Xander grinned. "And speaking of work, I need to go talk to Giles before lunch ends, so if you'll excuse me."

The two watched Xander leave.

"What's a CRAY and how much are they?" Buffy asked.

"A super computer and a low end one runs in the tens of millions," Willow said, her eyes glued to Xander's rear.

"Wow, I guess I don't have to worry about you getting jealous I got a gift card then," Buffy said. They were quiet for a moment before Buffy spoke up," You've been rubbing your thighs together since he mentioned the CRAY and I'm pretty sure I could use your nipples to steal the crown jewels."

"What?" Willow asked, confused.

"You could cut glass with your nipples," Buffy said bluntly.

"Ah," Willow blushed. "You don't think he noticed... do you?"

"He's still pretty oblivious," Buffy assured her.

"Thank goodness," Willow said with a sigh of relief.

"Just a word of advice," Buffy said, "if you don't make a move soon, Harmony is going to."

Willow stared at Buffy in horror before turning to see a blonde watching the well dressed young man enter the school with a familiar look on her face.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

At times like this Xander could swear he was almost schizophrenic. Half of him was suddenly very interested in Willow while the other half was warning him off. Recalling how things had gone with Pepper he could understand why he was of two minds about things, even if it didn't help resolve his problem.

'Damn she's cute!' he cursed mentally, the memory of her lust filled gaze making him wish he could take a cold shower in the middle of lunch. "Any word?" he asked Giles as he entered the library.

"None as of yet," Giles said with a sigh. "I expected them to act quickly on the opportunity, not spend all this time waffling. I have no idea what is delaying them."

"Thanks to some work with the city I can afford to pay for my own patent attorney, I'm mainly just doing this to generate some good will with the Council. If they don't feel it's in their best interest to move forward with this project, I'll simply do it myself and they can see what the results are. I'll make sure they have the plans to modify it for Slayer use regardless."

"Thank you, Xander. That's very generous of you," Giles said with a smile. "I'll make some calls and if they turn it down I'll pay for it myself, just so I can rub some noses in it later."

"Enemies on the Council?" Xander asked with a grin.

"Not as such," Giles waved it off, "just differing philosophies on a Watcher's role. At any rate there are a few that I believe could do with being taken down a peg or two."

"I'll leave that in your capable hands," Xander said, amused. "Do you have any books on magical materials?"

"Magical materials?" Giles asked.

"Metals like mithril and orichalcum," Xander replied. "Some of the materials I use are unavailable outside of comic books and movies, so I'm looking for alternatives and my options seem to be either high energy physics or magic and I can't afford the equipment I'd need for the high tech solution at the moment, so I'm thinking of trying a little voodoo."

"I don't see how becoming possessed by a Loa... ahh, humor," Giles said in understanding. "I'm afraid I don't have any books on the subject at present, but I can request some. I'm due an upgrade to my existing arcane library anyway so it's no problem," he assured him.

"Thanks Giles, I appreciate that," Xander said.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Travers looked over the copy of the blueprints he'd been sent by Giles. "Very nice work, but much too important to let out of our control."

Rolling up the prints he handed it to Peters, the Council's legal counsel. "There's no current patent on it and the colonial who stumbled upon the idea has no patents under his belt," he told Travers as he checked his notes. "A bug in the ear of our need of this and we can have a royal patent by next Monday."

"Excellent," Travers said, pleased with having acquired another tool to help the Council drive back the forces of darkness.

Patricia made a mental note to inform Wyndam-Pryce about Travers' latest move while she brought out the tea. She wasn't sure why Travers was so dead set on alienating any possible allies to the Council, but hopefully some of the others could sort him out.

She'd given up trying to help him when it became obvious he thought of her as no more than a glorified secretary despite her numerous degrees and position. 'A less patient woman would have poisoned him by now,' she thought to herself, but she was content to simply take extensive notes on his many, many cock ups... for the moment.

"Two sugars, no cream, that's a good lass," he told her, before turning back to Peters.

She smiled, nodded, and calculated the exact amount of night shade it would take to induce a fatal heart attack and how much extra weight it would take for a corner to decide that a toxicology screening was unwarranted in such a case, before adding a few extra biscuits to his plate.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Harmony bit her lip in thought as the bell rang. Harris was nowhere near her social class, even though he had been dressing a lot better recently. She would probably take a huge hit to her status if she dated him, but there was just something about him lately... "Hey Cordelia," Harmony said as they headed for their lockers.

"Yeah?" Cordelia replied distractedly.

"You know that favor you owe me?"

"The big one?" Cordelia asked after a moment's thought.

"Yeah, I've got a favor to ask you for and though it's not as big as when I covered for you that week during the summer, I do want it badly enough for it to balance out," she admitted.

Cordelia looked at her in surprise. "Seriously?"

"Completely," Harmony said.

"What is it?" Cordelia asked.

"I... want to date Harris," Harmony admitted.

Cordelia stared at her in surprise.

"I need your help here, please?" Harmony begged.

Cordelia nodded firmly. "Don't worry, Harmony, I'll make it happen!"

**Meanwhile on the other side of the hall…**

"I need your help here, please?" Willow begged.

Buffy nodded firmly. "Don't worry, Willow, I'll make it happen!"

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	25. The last ones left

**The last ones left**

Smoke drifted upwards from the destroyed library.

"This was fun," Buffy said as she laid on the ground, her back bent at an unnatural angle and a slowly growing pool of blood under her.

"Tons," Willow agreed, one of her arms missing and using her remaining hand to stroke the hair of the Slayer's head in her lap, unaware that Kennedy had passed away a few minutes before.

"Our reunions are never boring," Xander agreed as he crawled towards Dawn, the spear sticking through him scraping against the ground loudly.

Dawn was unable to move, the lower half of her body crushed beneath a ton of bricks as she waited for Xander to reach her. "Have I thanked you for the 'feel no pain' spell recently?" Dawn asked Willow, grasping Xander's hand as he reached her.

"About... ten times?" Willow guessed. "I"m kinda drifting here."

"Ditto," Buffy said.

"Make it an even dozen," Xander said as he stroked Dawn's cheek, "cause it makes this much more pleasant."

"The bomb is set to go off in a couple of minutes, so it's not like the painkiller spell's side effects really matter at this point," Willow said calmly.

"Still way cool," Buffy said cheerfully. "So... anyone have any last words or regrets?"

"I'd have liked more sex with Xander," Dawn teased. "Oh, and to have done everything earlier, because waiting till I was older was a waste of time."

"Yeah, we never did mature all that much, we just got older," he said with a chuckle, leaning his head against Dawn's.

"I'd have liked to have more time with the people I loved," Willow said, finally noticing Kennedy was dead and gently closing her eyes. "Oh, and more sex with Xander," she said to lighten the mood.

When the laughter died down Buffy's eyes had come to rest on Faith's head, which held a wicked grin, even in death. "I... regret the way I treated Faith," she admitted. "In fact, I regret the way I treated being a Slayer. I really should have enjoyed what I had, not dwelled on what I didn't."

Silence fell for a moment, with only the clicking of the bomb's timer to note the passing of time.

"Oh, and more sex with Xander," Buffy said to break the silence, making everyone laugh once more.

"I didn't know you two had, had sex," Dawn said, leaning into Xander.

"Just some grinding," Buffy said. "Looking back on it, I'm not sure which I regret more, the people I didn't have sex with or those I did."

"What do you regret?" Willow said absently stroking her dead girlfriend's hair before she realized she was doing so and forced herself to stop.

"Me?" Xander asked. "I regret... not taking it all serious enough."

"Pretty sure without you keeping us laughing we'd all have been crying way too much," Buffy said.

"Not like that," Xander said. "I mean... I regret not trying harder... it took me years before I learned to give it my all and not hold back because I was sure I was going to fail."

Dawn yawned loudly.

"Hey, none of that," Buffy said. "No falling asleep, you'll miss all the fireworks."

"Pretty sure when the bomb goes off we won't see it," Willow said, as she saw the timer drop under half a minute.

"It's the principle of the thing," Buffy replied, "she does the same thing every fourth of July."

Dawn laughed, coughing up a little blood, which Xander wiped off. "I'll keep awake this once," she promised.

There was a flash of light as a red robed demon appeared. "The closing of the final Hellmouth," he noted with a sigh. "Feels like the end of an era."

"It is, "Willow said unconcerned. "The Mayan calendar marks the change to a new world, it just wasn't perfectly accurate."

"Hey Hoff," Xander said. "Good to see you got here for the big finish."

"Big finish," Hoff said with a chuckle. "I have two words for you," he said as a sharklike grin began to grow on his face.

"None of us said the 'W' word," Dawn said with a smile.

"Wish is an English word, and not really needed," the demon confided in them. "All that's really needed is for someone to express dissatisfaction and..."

"Regret," Willow said aloud.

"Exactly," D'Hoffryn agreed, "it's more a catchphrase than anything else. Now everyone say it with me."

"Wish granted!" the group chorused, and the world vanished in a wave of light.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Can I have you?" Xander asked as he handed Buffy her papers that she'd dropped.

"I think my little sister would complain," Buffy replied as she realized where and when she was.

Xander straightened up, his habitual slouch gone. "Wow, your mom is going to hate me."

"Mom loves you," Buffy said as she straightened up her stuff.

"With how Dawn's going to behave around me?" Xander asked.

Buffy winced. "Yeah, she's going to dismember you with a butter knife."

"If I'm lucky," Xander agreed. "We are going to have to do a big reveal to her."

"That might distract her from your putting your penis in her daughters," Buffy teased.

"Moms assume all guys are there to do that anyway," Xander said as the bell rang and they went to find Willow.

A red faced Cordelia pushed past them as they entered the quad only to find Jesse yelling at Willow.

"I can't believe you said that!" Jesse yelled. "I mean..." his voice trailed off and he started speaking in a quieter voice," I'm trying to hook up with Cordelia, and... and... that was way out of line. Awesome, but way out of line."

Willow shrugged. "You can't call dibs on a person and you really should go for a girl you actually have a chance with."

"Did she insult Cordelia?" Buffy asked, surprising Jesse who hadn't known they were there.

"She tried to insult me, so I hit on her," Willow replied. "But with tits like that, you can hardly blame me."

"She does have magnificent boobs," Buffy agreed.

"Buffy, Jesse," Xander said, introducing the pair. "Does this mean you no longer crave my mineral?" he asked Willow.

"It's Tuesday, I like tacos on Tuesday," Willow joked.

"I'm in the Twilight Zone," Jesse said, shocked at the way Willow and now Xander were behaving.

"Close," Buffy admitted as she considered it. Really with all they'd gone through in Sunnydale she had to admit living on the Hellmouth did have some strong similarities.

"We should set him up with Marcie," Willow said.

"Marcie?" Jesse asked confused at the sudden change in topic.

"Marcie is easy to overlook, she exemplifies Plain Jane," Xander explained. "She needs someone to help her break out of her shell and cut loose."

"But Cordelia..." Jesse whined.

"Has got a great body, but is only looking for things in a guy you don't have," Willow said. "I have a better chance of landing her than you do."

"Are you trying to remain a virgin?" Buffy asked. "Cause seriously, trying to score that far out of the zone means you are trying to not score at all, so you either want to remain a virgin or are gay and covering for it."

"Either way, we're still your friends," Xander assured him.

It took Jesse a minute to recover. "I... Seriously, I have that little a chance?"

"Yeah," Xander said. "Cordelia isn't the deepest girl in the world, she only dates guys who improve her social position. Give it a few years and that'll change, but for now all you're doing is making yourself look even less datable in her eyes."

"The good news is you definitely don't love her or you'd have been able to see beyond her tits," Willow told him. "She's a good stroke fantasy, but that's all."

"That... makes me feel a little better," Jesse admitted.

"If you just want to get laid, I suggest Harmony," Xander said.

"Hasn't she slept with everyone?" Jesse asked.

"No, that's just a rumor Cordelia started to make sure she doesn't take her place as bitch queen of the school," Willow said.

"She's also shallow, but in her case, it's because she doesn't know any better," Xander told him. "With a little work we can put you on her radar."

"I... gotta think about this," Jesse said before leaving.

"If we tattooed a bunch of crosses on him we could probably guarantee he doesn't become a vamp," Buffy said. "We have a party, he falls asleep first, and we tattoo him, right?"

"It's draw dicks on their face," Xander said. "And... we can discuss tattooing his neck later. Willow, what side effects does the pain killer spell have?"

"Completely kills the ability to feel pain, ramps up endorphin levels, increases healing rates, and metabolism," Willow explained.

"So we heal faster, eat more, and are continually stoned?" Xander asked.

"Not quite stoned, but yeah," Willow agreed, "the effects are similar."

"How long do the effects last?" Buffy asked.

"It's permanent," Willow replied. "That's why I didn't use it until it no longer mattered."

"If I wasn't feeling so good, I might worry about that," Xander said.

"We'll adapt," Willow said with a shrug.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"OK, plans?" Buffy asked. "Cause I plan on getting Faith as soon as possible, and setting Kissy-toast on fire while I'm there, just to be safe."

"We can probably get away with a lot by claiming you had a Slayer Dream about it," Xander said.

"A Slayer Dream about the winning lottery numbers would really help with that, hint hint," Buffy said.

"Not a problem, a spell to enhance memory should make it easy to recall some lottery numbers," Willow said.

"The mansion Angelus used should have plenty of room for Faith, her Watcher, Tara, her mom, and... me," Xander decided.

"You?" Buffy asked.

"Home sucks, I'll be happier elsewhere," Xander said. "Plus me moving out early will make my parents happy as well."

"I'll join you," Willow said. "My parents are gone enough that I only have to make token appearances and forward their calls to fool them."

"Big reveal before or after the lottery?" Buffy asked.

"Before," Xander said. "Joyce is going to notice you and Dawn behaving different than she's used to, so we want to take care of that first."

"You just don't want Mom killing you," Buffy teased.

"Guilty," Xander agreed. "I'm also hoping Wills knows an aging spell or two."

"I'm not sure, but making Dawn older might upset her more than Dawn having sex," Buffy said.

"We might want to consider getting your Mom nice and relaxed, possibly stoned before dropping all this on her," Xander said.

"Giles and band candy would work, but we are fresh out of cursed chocolate," Buffy said.

"Ted," Xander said suddenly. "Ted and his relaxing cookies. A little bit of reprogramming and he can 'relax' her, give her some cooking, and then we tell her."

"I can reprogram Ted," Willow said cheerfully. "I did enough work on Botty to know my way around an android."

"You don't think the pain killer spell is affecting our planning skills, do you?" Buffy asked.

"Nah, this is a great plan," Xander assured her.

"If anything our planning skills have improved," Willow assured her. "Normally we'd just wing it and see what happens, this time we have a solid idea of what to do."

"OK," Buffy said cheerfully. "You get the tazer, I get the ski-masks?"

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	26. Missing Section - Unnamed Fic

**Missing Section - Unnamed Fic.**

I wrote this a while back. It's a BtVS crossover with Sky High where Hellmouths are known as quarantined zones that mess with peoples' memories and both Heroes and Villains avoid. Xander was grabbed when he left Sunnydale for his road trip, and is currently strapped to a chair that rings a bell when he's telling the truth and buzzes when he's lying. He's being questioned about life on the Hellmouth in a sort of educational scared-straight program.

Unfortunately, a hard drive crash ate the first half of this and Godogma couldn't find a copy of it on his system. It killed my enthusiasm for the fic, but I figured I'd share what I have of it. Enjoy!

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Cordelia, my ex, was the head cheer leader and quite possibly the biggest bitch on the planet when it was called for… and sometimes even when it wasn't. She describes tact as a form of lying and has one hell of a tongue on her. Not great in a fight, but she has the cajones to show up, so you have to respect that."

***Ding Ding***

"You guys have been fighting demons with that weak of a group?!" Magenta exclaimed.

"Most people repress the fact that demons exist," Xander said with a shrug, "so our numbers were never all that great. Mainly we just wanted to make sure Buffy survived and the world kept turning. See, most slayers lasted about six months before dying. With our help, Buffy has lasted three years and we averted a handful of End-of-the-World attempts."

***Ding Ding***

"You're being remarkably open about all of this," Gwen said.

"The chair encourages the truth as well as detecting it," Dr. Medula admitted at Gwen's knowing look. "Please don't hurt me!"

Xander sighed. "Fine, but by revealing so many of my friends' secrets, you have made it more likely that they will be defeated, which means the end of the world and death for the lucky ones. The unlucky ones would be kept alive for torture 'til the end of time."

***Ding Ding***

The entire class paled.

"So why should we assist you if you're hunting outside a forbidden zone and not just take care of the problem ourselves?" Layla asked.

"Because demons are like nothing you've ever faced and if I'm hunting one I'll be carrying the means to kill it," Xander replied.

***Ding Ding***

"And if I want to lock the demon up somewhere it'll be safe from you?" Layla asked, still hoping to find a peaceful solution.

"Then I'll kill you and continue over your bloody corpse to kill the demon," Xander said flatly. "Let me be very clear here, my job is to kill demons and prevent apocalypses. If you decide to side with the demons then you are my enemy and the enemy of all humanity. I don't intend to let some innocent citizen die for your philosophical beliefs."

***Ding Ding***

"You'd have to kill me too," Will said loyally, causing all his friends to voice their support.

Dr. Medula handed Xander a sheet listing all the students and their powers, since he knew what Xander was going to ask and wanted to speed things up.

"Ethan, no real offensive power so, assuming just stirring Liquid Drano into your liquid form doesn't work, I'd separate you into a couple of separate containers."

***Ding Ding***

"Magenta, kitchen knife or blunt object. Hell, I could probably just use a cat."

***Ding Ding***

"Zac, same as Magenta, minus the cat."

***Ding Ding***

"Warren and Will," Xander said thoughtfully. "No special resistance to poisons or gasses, so just drugging you and pouring a glass of water down your throat and into your lungs will take care of the problem. Hell, I can use Melter for that."

***Ding Ding***

"And Layla, the one who started this whole stupid argument. I can get ahold of agent orange, but a bullet or a knife will do the job without all the hassle."

***Ding Ding***

"It wouldn't be that easy," Warren disagreed.

"Hell, let's go through a quick scenario. I attack Ethan from behind and he melts. I separate him into equal containers, separated by a fair amount of distance. Probably vacuum sealed canning jars so I don't have to worry, and by distance I mean one in a safety deposit box in the bank and use the other jar to lure Magenta by saying that if she wants the rest of him she needs to show up alone at a certain address or I finish him."

"I'd tell my friends so I'd have backup," Magenta said quickly.

Xander grinned. "At the meeting place, you'd find an envelope with directions to crawl through a pipe small enough you'd need to transform to fit through. Once you entered, I'd pop a bunch of smoke and teargas grenades to keep your friends busy. At the end of the tunnel, I'd have it too dark to see and with a switch to lock the hamster cage as soon as you entered. I now have two of you and I'd claim I took you hostage because you disobeyed my orders."

Xander let the situation sink in before he started again, "Or, I send a lock of hair to Warren and tell him he's to meet me at an abandoned warehouse. What are you four going to do? And remember you need someone to guard the demon, so only you four get to plan," Xander added as he saw Ethan open his mouth.

"He's picking us off one by one," Will said. "We've got to set a trap for when he goes after Zack."

"Me?!" Zack exclaimed. "Why do you think he'll go after me next?"

"He'll hit the physically weakest first, and Layla has to guard the demon," Warren replied.

"Oh, well at least I wasn't the first one grabbed."

"I'll meet where he says," Warren replied.

"I guess I'm way in the back, using my power to flicker a couple of times like it's a nervous habit," Zack said with a sigh.

"I'll be on a rooftop nearby, waiting to catch you when you grab Zack," Will said.

"Solid plan," Xander agreed. "Warren, the envelope you find on the ground says for you to meet at the loading docks around the back of the building. Actions?"

"Plan's working, you're trying to lead us away from Zack, I hold my position," Will said.

"He can handle it," Warren said. "I let myself get lured off to the back of the building."

"You hear a crash from the back of the building," Xander said. "Response?"

"I'm not falling for it," Will said.

"Excellent," Xander grinned. "Warren, I've just dropped a forklift on you from the loading dock. While you're pinned and stunned, I slap a gas mask on you and give you enough nitrous to put you out."

"You changed the plan!" Will exclaimed.

"Nope. My plan was to take out the easiest to catch and then snag Warren when you caught wise and tried to protect one of the others."

***Ding Ding***

"And how are you going to keep me?" Warren replied.

"Gas, until I can chain you up somewhere. Naked and standing with wire rope around your family jewels and a great deal of weight ready to drop if you snap the chain or try to melt it. It's pretty simple to set up and if set off, you'll bleed out pretty quickly."

***Ding Ding***

"Yeah, that'd do it," Warren admitted, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

"Zack and Will, you return here minus Warren only to find the demon and Layla gone. Response?"

"What'd you do with Layla?!" Will demanded, getting up.

"She's right there," Penny said while the morally-challenged students chuckled.

"Oh, yeah," Will admitted, sitting down.

"So, I'm right in assuming you are going to be blaming me and yelling for me to bring her back?" Xander asked.

"Well...yeah," Will admitted.

"OK, my next move is to send you the rest of Melter in the mail," Xander said. "Once I've heard Layla and the demon are gone, I don't need you."

"Thanks," Ethan said sarcastically.

"Magenta, I'm bringing you and a pair of wire cutters to where Warren is. Letting you out of the cage, I'll give you the wire cutters and tell you how to safely free Warren."

"Why are you doing this?" Warren asked.

"Because Angelus has already drug off your friend Layla, raped her, and killed her like he's done to probably over two thousand women in the last couple of centuries. Be glad he's in a rush with me after him, or he'd take a few weeks enjoying himself with her as he drove her insane before turning her."

"What?!" Layla exclaimed.

"Angelus of the angelic face," Xander said flatly. "Like most demons who have been around for over a century, his kill count is impressive."

"But I was protecting him!"

"That doesn't matter to a demon. You are nothing more than food to a vampire, and a source of entertainment. Rape and torture are their hobbies in the same way video games and movies are ours."

***Ding Ding***

"I'll help you," Warren offered suddenly.

"What?!" Will and Layla exclaimed.

"I'll help you kill the demon. Things like that shouldn't be allowed," Warren said fiercely.

"But she didn't want this!" Will said loyally.

"And it got her tortured and killed. Angelus is going to burn." Warren clenched his fist as flames flared from it.

"I don't know what I can do to help, but I'm in too," Magenta offered. "I didn't know what I was protecting."

Xander smiled proudly at the two of them.

"I'd help, but I'm still in two pieces," Ethan offered.

"I'd reassemble Ethan," Will said.

Xander turned to Ethan. "Sorry, dude. You've been separated so long that your attempt to reassemble leads to two 8-years-old yous."

"What?!"

"That's a distinct possibility," Dr. Medula said thoughtfully, "but how did you know?"

"Comic book physics," Xander snickered.

***Ding Ding***

"OK, Warren and Magenta, if you were planning on betraying me, I'm now in police custody. Otherwise, we move forward," Xander announced.

"I said I was in and I meant it," Warren replied.

"Ditto," Magenta added.

"OK, we have two days before Layla rises as an undead. Undead Layla is going to be four times as powerful as she was when she was alive. Ideas?"

"She's too smart to hang around before she gets her legs under her, so to speak," Magenta said. "We'll have to track the two and that's going to mean bodies, isn't it?"

"Unfortunately, they always do. Are we going according to Magenta's idea?" Xander asked.

"She knows Layla better than I do," Warren admitted.

Xander nodded. "We'll run according to that - searching for mysterious deaths and missing people to find them. Layla, you are now your evil twin who considers people nothing more than food and things to play with after killing and eating a couple, what do you do?"

"I'd never-" Layla began, but Xander waved her off. "Anyone feel like playing Evil Layla?"

"I was born for the role," Gwen swore. "Tell me more about vamps and their motives. How much of the original remains?"

"You have all the memories, but the morals are gone. You'd consider children and puppies nothing more than snacks. All that matters is power and blood. Bow to strength and taunt those weaker," Xander explained.

"OK, I'm going to lure out and turn Will," Gwen said. "With his powers we'd be unstoppable."

"I wouldn't let her lure me outside," Will said.

"Do we need to stick you in this chair?" Xander asked.

Will groaned. "I'm going to become a vampire, aren't I?"

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "You are too ignorant of what demons are to put up a decent offense."

"Could her fangs really go through my skin though?" he asked.

"That's an excellent question," Xander agreed. "Evil Layla?"

"I'd use a hot tub to warm myself up so I seem normal," Gwen said running through all the data in her head. "I'd ask Angelus for advice to seem human before going after him. I'd get him to take me in while his parents were out and seduce him. I'm sure he'd never really notice the fangs if I timed it right and went for the place with the thinnest skin and veins close to the surface."

"Not to mention vamp saliva has an aphrodisiac quality," Xander agreed. "OK, two days 'til he rises."

"Damn! I was sure she'd try to strengthen herself first," Magenta said.

Gwen chuckled. "I think draining Will would make a vamp pretty strong all on its own."

"At least I didn't die a virgin," Will said with a sigh before Layla smacked him in the shoulder.

"It was a good guess," Xander told Magenta. "I was thinking the same thing myself, so don't beat yourself up over it."

"Yeah, Evil Will will do that for us," Warren said with a sigh.

"Yeah, Will rises at four times the strength and speed he has now," Xander said, making everyone groan.

"That bad?" Xander asked, the basic power list he was given hadn't said more than super strength.

"He's already got the edge on me in strength. That'd put him at twice the Commander's strength," Warren explained.

Xander nodded. "And we have to figure out a way to force a piece of wood into his heart to kill him, as fire and sunlight are a bit more difficult to use."

"And I'd turn my parents first," Will admitted.

"End of the World, Game over!" Speed exclaimed.

"No, I'd just have to get serious," Xander said with a sigh.

***Ding Ding***

The entire class stared.

"Warren, Magenta, you ready to die if that's what it takes?" Xander asked.

Warren nodded.

"Yeah, as long as I stay dead," Magenta agreed.

"Good. Evil vamps, would you come for us in force when you discovered where we were?"

"Yeah," Gwen agreed as Will nodded. "You're too dangerous and knowledgeable to let loose. With you gone, we're on easy street."

"Good. Warren, Magenta, how do you feel about nukes?"

Things got loud for a couple of minutes.

"Imagine the Commander at four times the strength and speed he is right now," Xander said, "and irredeemably evil."

"Regrettably, I have made boom boom," Doctor Medula said. "I'll be back as soon as I find clean pants."

"You can get a nuke?" Warren asked after Dr. Medula left.

"It'd take me a week with your guys' help," Xander admitted. "I'd need Magenta's help to get it and yours to move it."

***Ding Ding***

"A nuke is you getting serious?" Penny asked nervously.

Xander shook his head. "Anything with massive death tolls is me getting serious and I won't allow myself to survive it. If you are willing to kill a large number of people to accomplish your goal, you must be willing to die doing it. Anything else is evil."

***Ding Ding***

"Heaven and Hell exist," Xander said flatly. "I live in Sunnydale, home of the Hellmouth, which is just what it sounds like. Demons are not funny looking humans or aliens. They are creatures from the lower planes who come here to devour and corrupt humanity. Killing them deprives them of a body here and sends them home. There are actually a few species of demon who are like us and aren't evil, but they are vastly outnumbered by the evil ones. If I, or any of my friends, come hunting a demon then you can be sure it's not a nice one."

***Ding Ding***

"What's heaven like?" Ernie asked.

Xander shrugged. "The only one of us who died and remembers being dead is Angel and Angel's soul was probably in limbo, considering what kind of guy he was when alive and he doesn't remember being dead that clearly anyway. All we really know is that heaven is the opposite of hell, and that's enough for me."

***Ding Ding***

"Death doesn't mean the same thing to you that it does to us, does it?" Layla asked.

"Probably not," Xander admitted. "I know there is an afterlife and have seen enough death to consider it a friend at times. Everyone dies eventually. It's a hard lesson to swallow, but it's the truth."

***Ding Ding***

"Any idea what religion is right?" Speed asked hopefully.

"All and none," Xander replied with a shrug. "If you want to get into heaven, help people. If you want to go to hell, hurt people. All the rules religions make up are mostly bullshit made to control people."

***Ding Ding***

"So going to confession doesn't do anything?" Penny asked.

"If you honestly regret your actions and try to make up for them, then you don't have to say a word to anyone for it to count in your favor; and if you don't regret your actions and don't plan on making up for them, then it doesn't matter who you tell because it's not going to help you."

***Ding Ding***

"Enough religious talk," Gwen said, "let's talk about other things. Your hometown is Hell's favorite vacation spot. Why haven't you moved?"

"There are a lot of people who suffer from existential angst and drive themselves nuts wondering what it's all about and if their life even matters, while I've never had a single doubt. What I do matters and just like every single one of my friends I can truthfully say that, if not for my action, the human race would be nothing more than cattle for demons at this point. Most would actually call it Hell, but I call it home. I have friends and family and I make more of a difference than any president you can name. Why would I want to live anywhere else?"

***Ding Ding***

"Longer life span and less getting your butt kicked?" Ernie spoke up.

"If I'm not there, who'll do my job?" Xander asked. "No one, and that means it's demon cattle time for humanity, which will include me. We've seen signs that there is some sort of guiding force, but in the end it's our own decisions that determine whether we succeed or fail."

***Ding Ding***

"Then why aren't you there now?" Magenta asked.

"With the Mayor dead and the Hellmouth at a low ebb for a couple of months, I'm taking a vacation," Xander explained. "I was born and raised in Sunnydale, never setting a foot outside it 'til now, but I've always meant to see the US. This is probably my only chance."

"Won't the Hellmouth be at low ebb again someday?" Will asked.

"Yeah, but odds are I won't see it," Xander said. "Frankly, it's pretty much a miracle I've lasted this long. Demon Hunters don't die of old age unless they get hit with mojo that speeds up their aging or caught by a wraith, since you age a decade every second when they latch onto you."

***Ding Ding***

The entire class stared at him in shock.

"There are some witches who use a variation of the wraith's touch to restore their own youth, but that falls under bad mojo and several other magical words," Xander said thoughtfully.

***Ding Ding***

"Are you even going to make it to drinking age?!" Speed burst out.

"If I'm careful then I could, maybe, make it to thirty," Xander said thoughtfully. "But truthfully, I'm thinking early-to-mid twenties if I'm lucky."

***Ding Ding***

Doctor Medula came back in and found the whole class staring at Xander in stunned horror. "What did I miss?"

"I was telling them about the normal demon hunter's retirement plan," Xander said.

***Ding Ding***

"I think most heroes retire about their mid-to-late fifties, taking less active jobs and letting the younger generation take over," Dr. Medula offered.

"Mid twenties for most demon hunters, depending on their territory. The Hellmouth rates at about a year or two active hunting, for instance."

***Ding Ding***

"That sounds like an amazing retirement plan."

"It's the best," Xander replied happily. "Though I do remember one hunter who got kinda screwed. He ended up stuck as a ventriloquism dummy for thirty years so he could track down the last of a group of demons he was hunting."

***Ding Ding***

"Those things are even creepier than clowns," Dr. Medula said with a shudder.

"Hey!" Patches complained before shrinking down in his seat at the glares he received.

"So does anyone else have any questions for Xander? No? Then I'll ask some. What is the most common demon we're likely to encounter, and what are its weaknesses?"

"Vampires are like cockroaches, they're everywhere, they avoid light, and they multiply quickly. They generally look just like anyone else, except when feeding, they get Klingon-like brow ridges, fangs, and their eyes turn yellow. Holy symbols repel them and holy water burns them like acid, both of which is easy to get ahold of and won't harm innocent bystanders. They don't cast a reflection, but that's not something you can rely on because sometimes they do for no reason we've managed to discover. They can't cross the threshold of a house without an invitation, but that can be something as minor as a welcome mat being left out; and temporary dwellings like hotel rooms don't have a threshold."

"Wouldn't they show up on infrared as corpses?" Dr. Medula asked.

"That's also a good way to look for them," Xander agreed, "but freshly fed vamps will retain the heat of stolen blood for hours, and zombies read just like vamps."

***Ding Ding***

"Zombies?" Warren asked.

"Yeah, you have two basic types of zombies: brainless, which tend to swarm; and intelligent, which pretty much continue as if they were alive, so they might not be up to anything and just crawled out of the grave to get a beer."

***Ding Ding***

"But back to vampires. Sunlight burns them, so they sleep during the day, but they don't need coffins or special earth, the trunk of a car will do. Decapitation kills most demons, but not all. Fortunately, vamps are easy to kill. Take off their head, a piece of wood through the heart, and fire kills them. You'll know they're dead because they'll turn to ash. Oh, and driving bone through their heart works just like wood on them, even their own rib bones."

***Ding Ding***

"Doesn't it take a lot of strength to drive a stake through their heart?" Ethan asked.

"Not as much as you'd think," Xander replied. "You should always make sure your stake has a good point on it, but vampire flesh parts easily to wood and bone; symbols of life. Just avoid hitting the ribs and remember the heart is close to the center of the chest, because if you miss then all you've done is piss off the vamp and he's now within arms reach."

***Ding Ding***

"Any final advice on vampires?" Dr. Medula asked.

"When in doubt sprinkle holy water on everyone and stake the screamers. Just make sure they're screaming because it burns and not because you've ruined their cloths or make-up. And remember, if someone you know is turned into a vamp they are dead. The blood demon doesn't enter a living body, it only enters corpses. The demon will have all your friend's memories and will think they are them, but your friend is already dead and it'll use their memories and corpse to kill anyone they were close to before branching out into killing strangers."

***Ding Ding***

"Aren't there any friendly demons?" Layla asked, still having a faint hope things weren't as dark as Xander painted them.

"Off the top of my head, I can think of one species that is so similar to us that they've interbred, Brachen demons. They are actually more peaceful than most of the human race. They like to get into bar brawls and like most demons are stronger and faster than humans. Generally, you can't tell them from humans. Chances are if you're Irish then you're probably at least part Brachen."

***Ding Ding***

"So you don't hunt down all demons?" Layla asked.

"Nah, though there are assholes who do. We had a guy called Cain come through town who wanted to skin and kill Oz for being a werewolf. Apparently he makes a living selling werewolf pelts."

***Ding Ding***

"That's horrible!"

"Yep. Buffy sent him scampering out of town with his tail between his legs. Unless they kill people, we generally leave them alone."

***Ding Ding***

"And that's all the time we have for today," Doctor Medula announced. "Monday we'll be showing the videos so be sure to bring your own barf bags, I'm not kidding, and everyone thank Xander for his help."

Gwen came up to Xander. "Do you need a place to stay? I have room and could show you the local sights."

"Just so you know, she's actually over thirty years old. An invention of her's backfired and made her young again," Will said.

"My date to the prom was a thousand years old ex-demon named Anya, the Patron Saint of scorned women," Xander said cheerfully.

***Ding Ding***

"Room for a veritable amount of one more?" Penny asked hopefully.

"I was hoping to seduce him," Gwen said frankly.

"You can still do that," Xander said.

***Ding Ding***

"We were just thinking sleep-over so we could talk to him some more," Penny said. "His suggestions for using my power were better than the guidance counselor's."

"We can make a party of it," Gwen said. "How does a party sound?"

"Would us more morally-inclined students be invited?" Warren asked.

"Xander?" Gwen asked.

"I don't often get to meet super heroes, even ones in training," Xander said. "Sounds like fun."

***Ding Ding***

"Party at my house," Gwen announced as the students filed out with Xander grabbing his duffel on the way out.

Patches shook his head. "I think I'll stay at a motel for the weekend."

"Good call," Dr. Medula said.

**Typing poorly done by: Ordieth**


	27. The last ones left 2

**The last ones left 2**

"I think this is more what you're looking for," Rupert Giles said solemnly, setting a familiar looking tome on the library counter in front of Buffy.

"I already have a copy, thanks," Buffy told him cheerfully. "Plus, I found out a bunch of stuff that's not even in that edition." She pushed the large leather tome back to Giles. "I need my books for classes and you need to look up a big vampire party called The Harvest."

Before Giles could reply, Xander entered the library. "Got the Taser yet? Willow's gone home to bake cookies and put on her old Girl Scout uniform."

"Just getting it now," Buffy replied. "Giles, I need the Taser you bought to deal with muggers, when you found out you were going to have to fly in to L.A."

"How..." Giles trailed off in shock.

"Slayer dreams," Buffy replied cheerfully. "Being psychic makes things so much easier."

"Should we be talking about this in front of..." Giles looked over at Xander.

"Xander," the dark haired teen supplied helpfully.

"In just a couple of months he gives me CPR and saves my life," Buffy said. "Besides this is the Hellmouth, a Slayer fighting alone here has the shelf life of a gallon of milk left in the car on a hot day."

"This is most irregular," Giles said as he put away the leather tome and fetched his Taser.

"This is the most active Hellmouth in thousands of years," Xander told him, "little about how we operate will be regular."

"So, Miss Summers has already briefed you?" Giles asked curiously as he passed the Taser to Buffy.

"I'm also psychic," Xander told him. "Look up prophecies about The-One-Who-Sees."

"-they found him dead in a locker, like with no blood," two teen girls gossiped as they entered the library.

Giles stood up straighter, a glint of determination in his eyes as the siren call of duty energized him.

"Drained last night, no blood in his mouth, research The Harvest," Buffy told him, causing him to deflate.

"You'll see plenty of action later," Xander assured him, "we just know this incident really well."

"I best get to work then," Giles said with a sigh.

"We'll meet you here tonight," Xander told him. "Sometime after ten."

"You're not sure?" Giles asked wryly.

"We know how things would have gone if we didn't know, not how things will go now that we do," Buffy explained.

Giles stared at the pair as he tried to untangle her explanation and for just a moment he saw her dressed in a blue knee-length puffed sleeve dress with a pinafore worn over the top, while Xander was wearing a waistcoat and holding a pocket watch. "Indeed," he said and quickly retreated to his office.

"So, why is Willow baking cookies?" Buffy asked curiously as they left.

"Ted drugs his, so we can't eat those and I wanted to see her in her old outfit," Xander replied.

"Got the ski masks?" Buffy asked.

"Borrowed them from the drama club," Xander told her.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

***knock knock***

Ted answered the door and froze in place for a moment as his programming searched for an appropriate response.

"Girl Scout cookies," Willow said cheerfully, holding up a plate filled with fresh baked cookies, while wearing an outfit that was definitely not her size.

The only reference Ted could find to proper behavior in this situation was from a black and white stag film, but that conflicted with over a dozen behavioral sub routines. While he was trying to decide how to proceed a blonde girl in a ski mask popped out of the bushes and Tased him. Thanks to his insulated design this did no damage, but this was a situation he had a proper response for.

The android shuddered and collapsed as Xander stepped out of the bushes. "Not too much, Buff. We need him intact," he said absently while Willow smirked and wiggled, causing him to feel like some of his clothes were a tad tight as well.

"Just making sure he's out," Buffy said as she popped the Taser cartridge out and pulled the prongs out of the android.

Xander grunted as he dragged Ted inside. "Not as heavy as I thought he'd be."

"Side effect of the Pain Killer spell," Willow said as she followed the pair inside, looking around to make sure no one had seen them.

"No strain, cause no pain," Xander rhymed cheerfully.

"You can strain yourself, you just won't feel it," Willow corrected him, "and with the enhanced healing you'll be able to walk it off anyway."

"Same diff," Buffy said, closing the door behind Willow and removing her ski mask while Xander did the same.

"Laptop," Willow said holding out a hand.

Xander handed her, her bag before rolling Ted onto his stomach. "I don't think he has a USB port, Wills."

"No one has a USB port right now," the red haired hacker responded, "but he has a serial port under the skin of his lower back that should allow me to update his programming." She bent over, causing the tiny skirt to ride up and both her friends to stare as she smirked unnoticed.

Ted listened to the three talk as he considered his options. He was programmed to avoid discovery and to escape and correct the flaws that had lead to his discovery if possible, so he laid still and listened for any clues as to how he'd been discovered.

It took less than a minute for Willow to deactivate all of Ted's motor functions and start uploading the new AI she'd programmed earlier while she'd been waiting for her cookies to finish baking.

Ted sat up and stretched. "Everything's working fine, though I'm going to need more RAM if you want to avoid me having to reboot myself every other day."

"I'll take care of physical upgrades later," Willow promised, "for now just work with what you have."

"Yeah, you should be able to seduce my mom as-is," Buffy agreed. "You do have a program to seduce women, right?"

"The program's operation differs from woman to woman," Ted replied. "I need at least a week to gather data for it to be effective."

"I don't want to wait a week," Buffy groaned.

"Relax, I've got this," Xander promised. He pulled a roll of papers from his back pocket and passed them to Ted.

"Oh yes, this will do just fine," Ted said as he scanned the pages.

Buffy looked over Ted's shoulder and frowned. "Why do you have a five page plan to seduce my mother and how did you get a list of all her turn-ons?" she demanded.

"Plan B and are you sure you want to know?" Xander asked.

"Nope," Buffy decided after a moment's thought and seeing his grin added, "not a chance in hell."

"Well, I do," Willow said, closing up her laptop and unplugging from Ted. "Why don't you two bake cookies while we talk about it?"

"Works for me," Buffy agreed following Ted into the kitchen.

"How?" Willow demanded eagerly as soon as the pair had left the room.

"Band candy for some of it," Xander admitted with a smirk planning on getting a little revenge for her teasing, "and for the rest... I have a horrible, horrible secret that you will hate knowing. Are you sure you want me to tell you?"

"Can't be worse than some of the stuff I've seen online," Willow said. "Hit me!"

"A lot of sexual behaviors are genetic," Xander explained.

Willow looked confused for a few seconds. "You mean... oh, OK I could see where you'd figure that out."

Xander waited, with an evil grin, for Willow to make the right connections to apply it to herself.

"I don't see where..." her voice trailed off and she turned pale. "Oh god, I think I'm going to be sick!"

"Now for the real kicker," Xander said, leaning forward and forcing himself to look in her eyes and not stare at her cleavage.

"How could it get worse?!" Willow demanded.

"When you're with a girl do you behave like your Mom or your Dad?" he asked cheerfully. It was at this point Xander realized he may have went a little far, as Willow tackled him over the coffee table, arms stretched out to strangle him.

Buffy came back in to see what the commotion was and found the two wrestling with Willow quickly losing what little clothes she was wearing, as her uniform had already been stretched to the breaking point and certainly hadn't been made with wrestling in mind. The nature of the match quickly changed as more flesh made its appearance and Buffy had to wade in and separate the two, a task made harder as they apparently didn't mind her coming between them. "Hands!" Buffy squeaked throwing the two apart.

Xander thudded into the wall, while Willow was lucky enough to hit the couch.

"What was that for?" Willow asked curiously.

"My sister," Buffy reminded them.

"She has prior claim," Willow agreed.

"I'll get permission first," Xander agreed, rubbing the back of his head and finding it damp with blood that he wiped on his pants.

"Permission?" Buffy asked. "How likely is that?"

"Dawn's stuck at eleven or twelve right now," Xander said with a shrug. "I kinda doubt she's going to want more than cuddling for a couple of years and we discussed this in advance."

"You discussed getting sent back in time in advance?" Buffy asked.

"We've planned for a lot of things," Xander agreed. "For instance if I am sent back in time and forced to take the name Hank Summers to blend in, I am allowed to become your father but not her's. Dawn suggested getting Joyce into swinging if I had to."

"No becoming my father," Buffy ordered him, "and make sure the sperm donor is a natural blond in my case, so I don't have to dye my hair."

"I'll run it by Dawn, but that should be doable," Xander agreed.

"I completely forgot I'd have to get permission," Willow said. "I mean we agreed 'younger me' could chase you, but we didn't discuss all of us going back at once."

"When did you guys have time to come up with all these plans?" Buffy asked as Xander retrieved the cookies Willow had baked.

"Her and Kennedy would visit with us on the weekends and our game of 'Anywhere But Here' got a bit dull, so we changed it to 'Anywhen But Here' as well," Xander explained.

"Wait a minute... weren't those official policy meetings?" Buffy asked.

"More of an excuse for us to relax and drink," Willow admitted. "We accidentally planned out a few things that ended up being applicable to one bizarre situation or another and it kinda grew from there."

"We went over everything sober before making it official," Xander assured her. "We always wondered why so many people made excuses not to come."

"You guys seem to have it all in hand and who wants to attend more meetings than they have to?" Buffy replied with a shrug.

"And the alcohol?" Willow asked. "Surely someone noticed how much we were drinking during an 'official' meeting."

"I figured if it caused you guys to need that much alcohol to deal with the headache, no way was I volunteering for it," Buffy admitted, "and neither would anyone else."

"If we end up forming the council again we are so going to abuse this," Willow proclaimed with a laugh.

"I can't believe we thought you guys were workaholics." Buffy snickered and shook her head.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"What's the disturbance, brother?" a brown robed figure asked another.

"It's singing," he replied nervously.

"Singing?" he repeated.

"In English, which I only have a vague knowledge of," he admitted.

"What is it singing?"

"Something involving alcohol and counting," he guessed.

"I'll inform the abbot," he assured him.

"Thank you," the monk said, much relieved as he returned to meditating, attuning his mind to that which they guarded.

Brother Ramirez shook his head as he left the innermost cell of the monastery. Either something was occurring of great important or Brother Rasputin needed a break, either way the abbot would know what to do.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	28. Walking into Spiderwebs 4

**Walking into Spiderwebs 4**

**Part 1: YSEMF CH 62**

**Part 2: YSEMF CH 66**

**Part 3: YSEMF CH 68**

"What do you think you're doing?" Snyder demanded as he inwardly grinned, happy to have finally caught one of Summers' gang doing something illicit.

Xander winced, but Tony simply grabbed the Principal by the throat and slammed him against the lockers. "We are doing something you have already done," Tony growled out, before letting him drop to the floor. "The doctors detected a lingering trace of radioactivity in the students' blood, which means we have to find and remove the source of the contamination before it becomes public knowledge."

"Wh-what!?" the principal stuttered out, climbing to his feet.

"How do you think the mayor would respond to the press getting wind of this?" Tony demanded, making Snyder pale. "Avoid the school gym for the next couple of hours and remember... we were never here."

Snyder nodded once before fleeing back the way he'd came.

Xander stared at his father whose stern expression melted into an easy grin. "Being a mercenary lets you get away with a whole lot more than being a hero. Your Mom would have had to have been polite and calmly explain what was going on before getting his permission to solve the problem."

"Your way was way better," Xander said with a grin.

"You should see how effective it is when I'm wearing a skull mask with a built in voice changer," Tony told him, heading towards the school gym with Xander quickly following. "You can do a lot of good work pretending to be a bad guy."

"I could do even more having a couple of different outfits, so I could play either part as needed," Xander pointed out.

"That means developing at least two completely different personas and limiting your use of skills and powers to differentiate them further from one another," Tony warned him.

"Which, while difficult, leaves me with a couple of aces to play if it ever becomes necessary," Xander said.

"You've put some thought into this," Tony said surprised, as he opened the door to the school gym.

"Me and Jesse used to argue over whether being the hero or the villain was more fun and how using a villain ID to rob criminals to pay for all your hero gear made more sense than wasting your time at a nine to five job when you should be out helping people," Xander explained. "So, I suppose I have put a lot of thought into it."

"Shame about him vanishing. I suppose a vamp got him," Tony said honestly, but with some sympathy.

"He got turned and I staked him, partially on accident," Xander admitted.

"Well at least you gotta feel good about freeing what there was left of him and protecting his parents from it," Tony said turning on the Geiger counter. "If it was me, I know I'd want someone to protect my family and end my suffering."

"He wasn't actually in there," Xander said. "The soul leaves so the demon can enter." He'd stopped angsting over events long ago, though it was still a bit upsetting to think about. "Giles, Buffy's Watcher, explained it to me."

"Yeah? Well I had Doc Strange explain it to me and he said a link remains between the body and the soul that the demon uses to allow it to pretend to be them and that link prevents the soul from reaching its eternal reward and resting in peace," Tony replied. "Me personally, I tend to believe the Sorcerer Supreme on these things."

"Sorcerer Supreme?" Xander asked as they entered the gym.

Tony slowly waved the makeshift Geiger counter back and forth while they talked, listening for a reaction. "The head magic guy for our dimension. He prevents major invasions and demonic outbreaks."

"Surprised we don't see him around here then," Xander said, feeling better about staking Jesse, even though he wasn't sure his father was right.

"This way," Tony said, heading for the locker room. "I've heard he spends a lot of time sending his spirit to do it and jumping to other realms, so he could have been here dozens of times and no one would know."

"An invisible sorcerer could explain some of the things that happen around here," Xander admitted.

"Showers," Tony said as they searched. "Looks like an emitter rather than a ray. The bad news is it probably raised the chances of the students to get cancer a bit, but the good news is that it won't cause any little Hulks to spring up." Tony followed the readings to the central drain in the shower room and set the Geiger counter down. Taking a multi-tool off his belt he used it to unscrew and remove the drain cover, revealing what they were looking for.

"A glow stick?" Xander asked.

"Two part formula that requires mixing to release gamma radiation," Tony replied. "Low yield, lasts for months, and is easily overlooked." He twirled the softly glowing cylinder in his hand. "You can buy and take apart a glow-stick pretty easily, making it a lot more sensible to use than anything you'd have to waste time and money designing yourself." He tucked it in his pocket and screwed the drain cover back in place.

"Dad, aren't you irradiating your nads?" Xander asked, with a frown.

"We're both radiation proof," he reminded him.

"Oh yeah," Xander said perking up.

"I know it takes some getting used to, but you'll adapt," Tony assured him, picking up the Geiger counter and scanning the area with it for additional sources.

"I'm lovin' it so far," Xander admitted.

"And it only gets better," Tony said with a grin. "Speaking of which, I need to give you the Talk."

Despite the lack of squeaks from the Geiger counter Tony was leading them to the girl's locker room, Xander noted. "You already gave me the Talk."

"Yes, however this is the spider version," Tony explained.

"Like, don't use your pheromones to seduce girls?" Xander asked.

"Why would I tell you that?" Tony asked as he turned off the Geiger counter after a few waves and walked over to the girl's showers to check the drain, finding a gamma glow-stick in the same place.

"Because it's taking advantage of them," Xander said. "How did you know that would be there, and why isn't it glowing?"

"Taking advantage?" Tony asked before shaking his head. "It's no more taking advantage than a big breasted girl wearing a low cut blouse is taking advantage of people. It encourages what already exists, it doesn't make people want you. Do you know what effect it has on lesbians?"

"It has a different effect on lesbians?" Xander replied surprised.

"And gay guys," his father agreed. "The pheromones stimulate the mating instincts at a greater range than normal people's, but it doesn't change them. Lesbians will still reject you and gay guys hit on you."

"Good," Xander said as his father pocketed the second gamma glow-stick. "Being chased by the entire female population of Sunnydale is not fun."

"But it was funny," Tony admitted with a grin. "No, my advice is mainly a list of do's and don'ts that I've put together to avoid accidentally affecting the people around you."

"Like when I'm working out," Xander said as he thought about what happened earlier.

"Lingers on the clothes like you wouldn't believe," Tony agreed as he looked around curiously.

"What?" Xander asked as his father examined their surroundings.

"Nothing," Tony replied with a shrug, "I've just never been in a high school girl's locker room before. It's a lot cleaner than the boy's side."

"It is," Xander agreed, having been in it investigating suspicious events before. "How'd you know the emitter would be there?" he tried to change the subject.

"I didn't know it would be there, but a good investigator always looks for patterns and the odds are good that if he was dosing the boy's team he would eventually get around to dosing the girl's. He simply hid the inactive emitter where he planned on activating it," he explained.

Xander smiled, happy to be learning what was apparently the family trade from his father.

"But back to the spiders and the flies talk," Tony said cheerfully making Xander groan. "Masturbating in the shower before you manage to control your venom blasts lead to hilarious consequences, which we will tease you about, before making you replace the tiling."

"What?!"

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"The stars are in alignment and the portents are favorable," one monk noted.

"I'll notify the abbot to begin the ritual," the other agreed.

The ritual only took two hours, ending a guardianship that spanned centuries.

"And that's our purpose fulfilled," the abbot said with a smile." Let's put the place to torch and scatter to the four winds."

"I'm thinking of joining the Order of Truth in Greece," one of the monks said thoughtfully. "What are your thoughts on the matter?" he asked the, now former, abbot.

"Vegas," the abbot said happily, startling the man.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Dawn rolled her eyes as Xander's mom finished the birds and bees talk she'd been having with Buffy and Cordelia. It was insulting how they expected her to not know what they were talking about just because they changed a few words around, but as long as it allowed her to listen in she would happily play dumb.

The sound of the front door opening caused Dawn to spin around. Knowing what was coming Buffy tried to grab her, but missed as Dawn sidestepped and used the coffee table as a step to launch herself towards Xander.

Tony caught the twelve year old girl as he opened the door and grinned. "A might small. I think I'll have to throw you back."

Dawn giggled.

"I think that one's mine," Xander said, missing the way Dawn's eyes lit up as he claimed her.

Tony caught it but didn't say a thing as he passed her over to Xander and she wrapped herself around him.

"How did things go?" Jessica asked.

"Found a pair of gamma ray emitters, one unused," Tony replied. "Poked around a bit in the coach's office, but the only thing we discovered there is a lot of dust and cobwebs. I think we'll have to hit his house if we expect to find anything good."

"Ouch," Dawn complained smacking herself on the leg. "Mosquito," she reported, tightening her grip on Xander as Buffy tried futilely to pry her off.

Xander laughed and dodged Buffy's hands, making Dawn giggle, while Cordelia watched amused.

"It's getting kind of late, I should take her home," Buffy said.

"Carry me?" Dawn asked Xander hopefully.

"And after we drop them off, you can walk me home," Cordelia said. "It's a bit late, so you may want to think about crashing in the guest house."

Xander perked up a bit, recognizing Cordelia's tone. "Just to be safe," he agreed.

Tony and Jessica exchanged amused glances.

"Probably a good idea," Tony said. "We'll go furniture shopping tomorrow."

Xander made a face and quickly headed back out the door. "Yep, good plan, let's go people!"

Cordelia and Buffy had to rush to catch up with the pair.

"No more bouncing, I'm getting woozy," Dawn complained as Xander slowed down.

"Well next time don't eat half the cake," Buffy told her.

"It was good cake," Dawn defended herself.

"And the ice cream?" Buffy asked.

"Also good!" Dawn swore, making Xander laugh and Cordelia grin.

"She has your eating habits," Buffy told him.

"I don't feel so good," Dawn admitted, curling into Xander's arms.

"But not his stomach," Cordelia said with a sigh. "Let's get her home to the Pepto."

"I'm keeping your shirt," Dawn said, nose buried in his shoulder.

"You keep stealing my shirts, I'm going to run out," Xander complained.

"How many has she stolen?" Buffy asked.

"This will be the first," Xander admitted, "but if we don't nip this sort of behavior in the bud, I could end up forced to go clothes shopping."

Buffy and Cordelia rolled their eyes, while Dawn giggled.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel!**


	29. Lex Marks the Spot 2

**Lex Marks the Spot 2**

"Let me get this straight," Xander said, "you are planning to make an inferior copy of Superman as a contingency plan against him going rogue that you are going to program to hate Superman to an insane degree, so he'll kill him?"

"He won't be weaker to start," disagreed the scientist in charge of the project, "just ... unstable. He should be able to match Superman blow for blow for at least a week before he begins to degrade. That's why we have to rely on the programming. We need him to focus on taking out Superman while he can match his strength."

"Strength," Xander said, shaking his head and deciding to play to his audience. "If I take a Green Beret, strip him naked and drop him in the woods with orders to kill a bear by Sunday, do you know what you have by Sunday?"

"A dead bear," General Eiling and Amanda Waller chorused.

"That's right," Xander agreed. "A dead bear, possibly two if he's hungry enough, but it's not because he's as strong as the bear."

"Humans and bears are a lot closer in strength than a human and a Kryptonian," the scientist argued.

"Yes, however all you're doing here is making a bear," Xander pointed out, "and then letting it loose in a populated city."

"If you've got a better idea, I'd like to hear it, Mister Luthor," the scientist said.

"In fact, I do," Xander said. "We don't need a full Kryptonian to match him, we need a being who can play green beret to Superman's bear."

"I'm not sure I follow," General Eiling said.

"We make a hybrid clone, but we don't try to make him as strong as Superman. We simply get him in the ballpark and give him strengths Superman lacks," Xander explained.

"Good luck with that," Waller said with a snort, "he has super everything."

Xander grinned. "And yet Martian Manhunter could take him down easily."

"Well yeah, he's a powerful telepath..." the scientist trailed off as he looked around at the numerous genetically engineered beings around them.

"It can't be that simple," the general said in disbelief.

"Can't it?" Xander asked with a grin. "But you're right, it's not quite that simple. I'm saying we make him a strong telepath to go with the telekinetic gifts the Kryptonians have to give him an edge in any confrontation between the two, but I'm also saying that when you program it, don't program it to be a bear."

"What kind of programming are you thinking of?" Waller asked.

"I have a number of soldiers who you could scan in," Eiling said.

"Just soldiers?" Waller asked, as she eyed Luther.

Xander shook his head. "Not just soldiers. If he can be controlled, then he can be turned against you. What you want is someone incorruptible. Someone who is everything Superman appears to be, so that if he does slip the leash then not only will he still serve his purpose as insurance against Superman going rogue, but he'll also do his best to protect mankind from all the rest of them as well."

"A super soldier," the general said with a grin. "A super patriot even."

"One who the Justice League would probably welcome as a member," Xander said. "He or she escapes Cadmus and joins the Justice League, putting them in the perfect position to keep the League on the straight and narrow."

"The Martian would realize she was a double agent," Eiling said.

"The programming is to make them incorruptible, so there will be nothing to find," Xander reminded him.

"Someone who can be trusted to do the right thing, regardless of who's giving orders," Waller said with a nod.

"Loyal to the ideals of the U.S.," the general agreed.

"It'd take me six months," the scientist said, planning to use Luthor's DNA for the human component, since he'd complicated his simple project of creating super men and securing funding for his own research for the next decade.

Satisfied that he'd defused this bomb, Xander turned his thoughts towards giving himself super powers, trying to think of ones Lex couldn't use to take over the world when and if they switched back, but ones that would still be useful and fun.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Plastic Man!" Xander greeted the hero cheerfully as he stepped into the church.

Plastic Man froze in place before turning his head to look at Xander and then spinning it around a few more times. "OK, I'm confused," Plastic Man admitted. "I was told I was here to raise money for an orphanage, not face off against a supervillain."

"Well, for one thing, I'm not a supervillain. I've always been an unpowered human," Xander pointed out cheerfully.

"Yeah, but you've always been fighting Supes and using some pretty impressive technology to do so," Plastic Man answered. "That puts you in the superhuman weight class."

"Fair enough," Xander agreed. "Batman doesn't have any super powers, but I'd call him a superhero."

"Glad we agree," Plastic Man said. "Now why are you here?"

"I'm here to offer you twenty-five million for a single square centimeter of your flesh," Xander said cheerfully.

"Plastic Man's head unwound itself, spinning him around and making him dizzy. "What?!"

Xander snapped his fingers and three guards came in and set down two briefcases each upon the table. "Twenty-five million dollars," Xander repeated.

"I'm pretty sure you could get some villain to cut a piece off of me for just fifty Gs," Plastic Man admitted. "Why the generosity?"

"The whole villain game got old," Xander replied, "so I figured I'd find myself legal ways to keep myself entertained. It's not like I can't afford it."

"I-I'm trying to figure out the catch to all this, but I'm just not seeing one," Plastic Man admitted.

"Batman will glare at you," Xander pointed out cheerfully.

"He does that anyway and it's not like it's a twenty-five million dollar glare," Plastic Man said. "What do you need it for anyway?"

"That takes a bit of explaining," Xander said. "You see, I have several samples of Kryptonian DNA and I could easily give myself Superman's powers."

"Seriously?!" Plastic Man exclaimed.

"Seriously," Xander agreed. "But then I'd be related to Superman and that would lead to a lot of awkwardness," he admitted.

"Family reunions would be uncomfortable," Plastic Man agreed.

"Exactly, so there I thought about whose powers would have the most recreational uses and..." his voice trailed off.

"And?" Plastic Man asked.

"And which powers would give me hair," Xander admitted.

Plastic Man laughed. "You have a deal," he agreed, offering his hand to shake.

Xander shook his hand and pulled a small device out of his pocket that looked like a pen-light. "Tiny laser scalpel," he said, passing it to the stretchy hero.

"Light meat, or dark meat?" Plastic Man asked cheerfully.

"At least you didn't ask breast or leg," Xander said with a chuckle. "I will take a lock of hair, since it's all interchangeable."

"Ruins the circumcision joke I was going to do," Plastic Man said with a fake sigh as he used the laser to cut off a small lump of hair.

Xander pulled a vial, filled with a glowing green fluid, out of his pocket and added the hair. "Since I'm going to have to drink this, I appreciate it."

"The taxes are going to be murder," Plastic Man said. "Suddenly I feel like voting Republican!"

"Already taken care of," Xander assured him. "Just donate one of those six cases, each holding five million, and you'll have enough tax credit to cover the twenty-five."

"Holy Moly!" Plastic Man exclaimed. "Twenty-five mil' tax-free, and I get to donate enough that Sister Jessica might just forgive me!"

"Forgive you?" Xander asked curiously as he pocketed the vial.

"I was twelve, it was a dare, and it was an accident!" Plastic Man exclaimed nervously. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy forgiveness."

Xander laughed and departed the church, his limo waiting at the curb for him.

"Everything go well, Sir?" Mercy asked.

"Like clockwork," he told her. "Now on to STAR LABS so they can mix up my drink."

"Yes, sir," Mercy agreed, signaling the driver.

**Typing by: Ordieth**


	30. Enter the Dragon

**Enter the Dragon**

"Oh dear," Giles said, as a silver dragon the size of a semi flew out of the portal.

"You know what I have to do," Buffy told Giles, as she set the troll hammer down and stared up at the rickety steel tower Glory's minions had created.

The dragon turned in midair and flew back towards Dawn.

"No!" Buffy screamed, and quickly ran for the stairs.

Up on the tower, the demon known as Doc muttered, "Uh oh," and looked for a place to retreat to. He'd bled the girl and opened the portal, his job was done as far as he was concerned. He rushed down the stairs, leaving the bleeding girl strapped to a frame of pipes, to the dragon's tender mercies.

The silver dragon transformed in the air, landing on the end of a girder as a man with long dark hair.

"Huh," Dawn said as she ran her eyes up and down his naked form, her panic subsiding for a moment. "I'm guessing you're an incubus."

Xander walked over to her and snapped the ropes holding her. "Nope, I'm a dragon. Care to give me a run down?"

"As long as my blood flows the portal will keep growing until it swallows everything," Dawn said quietly, the sounds of Buffy fighting Doc floating up to them.

"Be well," Xander intoned, tapping her on the head and causing a soft golden glow to flow across her, erasing all her injuries. "It could also be interpreted as you not being pregnant, but I'm guessing healing you should work."

"Are you sure you're not an incubus?" Dawn asked as they both turned and looked at the portal.

"Positive," Xander assured her. "Well, it's stopped growing," he offered as they stared at it.

"I... I have to jump," Dawn said.

"Let's try something else first," Xander said, carefully ripping her already torn shirt off her, as Buffy finally reached the level they were on.

"I don't think we have time to get me pregnant," Dawn said, blushing bright red, and wondering if she actually had time to have sex before leaping into the portal.

Xander wiped the still damp blood off her stomach with the remains of her shirt. "Technically we could probably manage it, but I was thinking that if we wrap this shirt, coated with your blood, around a pipe and toss it in the hole it would close it."

"Will that work?" Dawn asked hopefully.

"Won't know until we try," Xander replied, snapping off a small section of pipe and wrapping it in her shirt. "And swish," Xander said as he tossed it in the swimming pool sized portal, causing it to shrink until it vanished with a almost comical pop.

"It-it worked!" Dawn exclaimed excitedly, her face lighting up.

"And no one had to die or get pregnant," Xander said cheerfully.

"Dawn!" Buffy exclaimed grabbing her sister in a tight hug, so relieved that her sister was ok and the portal was closed, that the naked Xander was ignored for the moment.

The tower swayed in the wind and the sound of bits of it tearing apart reminded the girls that it had been thrown together by a literal group of lunatics.

"Reunion on the ground," Buffy said pulling her sister towards the stairs.

The three rushed down the rickety stairs and ladders as the tower came apart around them, just making it out ahead of the tower's complete destruction.

"Thank god, you're both OK," Giles said, giving them both a hug.

"What's with the incubus?" Willow asked.

"He chased off Doc and figured out how to close the portal without anyone needing to sacrifice themselves," Buffy replied.

"Though he did suggest knocking me up," Dawn offered with a grin.

"I said that was an alternative interpretation of 'as long as blood flows'," Xander corrected her. "It's a lot better idea than 'kill yourself and hope that works'," he said firmly. "Also, Dragon not an incubus."

"That... would probably have worked," a blushing Tara admitted, her eyes averted from either Xander.

"Tara, you're yourself again!" Dawn exclaimed happily.

"If you're not an incubus, what's with the oversized thingie?" Buffy demanded.

"No, that's to scale," the local Xander said, "but you look younger and are a bit better built than I am."

"I just graduated high school and was about to go on my road trip when another me showed up and granted me a wish of sorts," Xander explained.

"I hear sirens, we better go," Spike said, pretty badly banged up, but feeling satisfied about how things had turned out.

"You don't have a soul, do you?" Xander asked cautiously.

"I'm not the poofter!" Spike exploded, horrified.

"Just making sure," Xander said.

"Why are you- forget it," Spike said. "Let's make tracks now!"

Hearing sirens, everyone quickly agreed.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Why do we have a robot Buffy?" Xander asked as he carried the broken android inside. He'd been made to ride in the back of Xander's truck when Dawn had volunteered to sit on his lap.

"It's complicated," Buffy said red faced. "Can someone get him some pants?"

"I have some sweats that should fit him," Willow said, hurrying upstairs.

"OK, how are you dragon-Xander from a past we don't have?" Buffy asked.

"I was granted a wish in another timeline," Xander told her. "I'll get a choice to go home, but that's at least five years, and probably closer to a decade or two, away."

Willow came back downstairs with the sweatpants, much to Dawn's disappointment and Buffy's relief.

"You need a shirt," Buffy told Dawn.

Now that Xander was wearing pants, Dawn finally realized she was wearing just a bra and dried blood and quickly rushed off to fix that.

"So what do we do with him?" Spike asked.

"He's not 'you' enough for me to suggest a threesome," Anya admitted, much to local Xander's surprise.

"And look at the time," Giles said, "I'm afraid I really must get some sleep." He quickly fled.

"Can someone give me the highlights?" Xander asked. "Cause my reality has Buffy as an only child."

"That's kinda complicated," Buffy began.

"I'm the key," Dawn said bluntly as she came down the stairs wearing one of Xander's flannel shirts she'd stolen long ago.

"Or not so complicated," local Xander said with a grin.

"I was a big ball of green energy that unlocks all the barriers keeping the dimensions apart," Dawn said with a sigh, still having problems coming to terms with not being human.

"Incarnated goddess, gotcha," Xander said with a nod.

"What?" Dawn asked.

"Facet of reality given flesh, that's pretty much the definition of a goddess," Xander told her.

Dawn beamed. "I can't perform miracles or anything," she admitted, sitting next to Xander on the couch.

"Are we sure he's not an incubus?" Buffy asked

"Why are you nodding?" Anya asked Local Xander.

"I thought everyone knew about Dawn being a goddess," Local Xander replied. "I mean it was pretty obvious and it's not like she's alone in this group."

"Pretty sure the rest of us aren't goddesses," Willow said, hugging Tara, "personal opinions aside."

"Olaf was a troll God, who's symbol of office is a big hammer, that Buffy now wields," Local Xander pointed out.

"I'm a troll god?" Buffy asked, trying and failing not to grin. "OK, I admit there may be some truth to that one, if you can win the title by killing the former owner."

"You are listed as the patron saint of scorned women," local Xander told Anya, giving her a kiss. "That puts you right up there and explains why voodoo practitioners invoke your name."

Anya blushed. "I am well known."

"And us?" Willow asked eagerly.

"You've done epic level evil magic," Xander offered, "If our realities have you casting that ancient gypsy curse. Which required the heads of a dozen gypsy clans working together to cast anyway."

"You cast that love spell," Willow countered.

"That was Amy," both Xanders chorused.

"The only magic I've done was accidentally torch a book by speaking Latin," Local Xander said.

"And there was that wonderful 'Will Be Done' spell where you cursed all your friends," Anya added. "That really impressed D'Hoffryn."

"You also just reached in and ripped a chunk out of a hellgodess' brain," Local Xander told her. "That's impressive.

"A big chunk of Glory's defeat is thanks to you and your command of dark magics," Anya said cheerfully.

"You planned out and got all the tools together to kill the Judge," Buffy told Local Xander, wanting to change topics.

"And the mayor when he became an old one," Dawn added.

"Your most successful plans involve boom," Dawn told Xander taking his hand.

"Or orgasms," Anya added.

"Spike had the whole Big Bad thing going on and even scored the ring of Amara," Local Xander pointed out. "Lately he's managed to pull off things I didn't believe a vampire was capable of and he's been more help than Angel ever was."

Spike grinned while Buffy protested.

"And Tara gives us all sexual daydreams that we then feel guilty for," Spike offered.

"Spike!" Willow exclaimed, causing him to laugh while the rest of the Scoobs tried to pretend they hadn't nodded.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

**AN: I considered sending the Corkscrew Xander to a possible Sunnydale for his time, but I'm not sure whether to use something late in the series like this or to put him pre-series start to annoy Angel. **


	31. A long walk 5

**A Long Walk 5**

**Part 1 : Chapter 01 YASEMF  
Part 2 : Chapter 09 YASEMF  
Part 3 : Chapter 10 YASEMF  
Part 4 : Chapter 13 YASEMF**

Angel laid on his stomach at eye level, floating next to Buffy as she walked.

"That is so unfair," Xander told Angel.

"Like you wouldn't do the same," Buffy replied.

"I wouldn't," Xander said with a grin," I'd either do it standing in mid air with my hands on my hips or lying back like I'm in a bed, about waist level."

"There's an idea," Angel said rolling onto his back and putting his hands behind his head as he dropped to waist height. "This is relaxing." He let out an 'oof' as Buffy jumped on him.

"Comfy," Buffy said cheerfully as she laid back on him.

"You knew she'd do this," Angel said, as he realized Xander had set him up.

"Yep," Xander agreed cheerfully. "Any complaints?"

Angel opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again and wrapped his arms around Buffy. "Nope."

"Smart man," Xander said.

"I'm too sore for all this walking," Dawn decided. "Carry me," she ordered Xander.

Xander swept her up bridal style without losing a step.

"Seriously?" Cordelia asked. "We've got miles to go."

"I was joking," Dawn admitted. "I just need a little while to rest and use a healing trance."

"I have the strength and stamina of a Wookie," Xander offered. "I can carry you all day and not get tired."

"I thought you'd turned back into yourself," Willow said.

"No, the DNA I retrieved from Dawn was from my costumed self, which we munchkinned, because what shape shifter wouldn't try to make his base form as superior as possible?" Xander replied.

"True," Willow agreed before turning to Cordelia. "Xander's my best friend in the world-" she began.

"Except for Buffy," Cordelia interrupted. "You follow Buffy more than Xander these days, though that may have more to do with hormones than any type of friendship."

"That's more supporting her calling and doing my best to help keep the world spinning," Willow disagreed. "I give her more support because she needs more support than Xander."

Angel spun around so they were facing the group as they floated.

"And don't think I don't appreciate it," Buffy interjected.

"How does that make any sense?" Cordelia demanded. "Xander was just a normal guy with no support while Buffy has lots of people."

"I could build a church on Xander," Willow said, as if it explained everything.

Dawn turned and stared at Willow, sensing her emotions. "You could fry a vamp with that amount of faith."

"Xander decided we should help Buffy," Willow replied, "so I threw myself into it. Buffy quickly became a close friend, but I was following Xander's lead."

"That explains some things," Dawn said thoughtfully.

"So... when push comes to shove, who is your best friend?" Cordelia asked.

"I would sacrifice my life for Buffy's," Willow replied. "For Xander, I would sacrifice someone else's."

"That sounds like Buffy... but it means the opposite, right?" Cordelia asked, trying to puzzle out the meaning to her words.

"Sacrificing your own life for someone else is easy," Buffy offered. "Sacrificing someone else's life is risking your soul for them." Angel gave her a comforting squeeze.

"I'm not as shocked at hearing that as I should be," Cordelia said, "though that can't be healthy."

"You thought we were sane?" Willow asked in surprise.

"Not really and yes," Cordelia replied.

"That clears things up nicely, thanks," Buffy told her.

Cordelia huffed. "I mean, I considered you guys crazy by normal standards, but that normal standards didn't apply to you."

"That sounds about right," Dawn agreed.

"Sure, in the normal world you guys are nuts," Cordelia explained, "But in the crazy vampires-eat-people-world, you guys are sane."

"Fair enough," Willow said.

"Not rock solid sane of course," Cordelia continued, "more like sand stone or maybe just sand. Ooh, like a sand castle just before the tide comes in."

"We get you," Buffy said dryly as the others giggled, not in the least offended.

"Of course that was before all of this and I saw how much crazier the world is than what I thought," Cordelia admitted.

"Vampires did turn out to be one of the simpler things to deal with," Buffy agreed.

"Exactly, and with how crazy everything really is you guys fit in perfectly," Cordelia finished.

"Erm, thanks?" Buffy said.

"And now we're all on the Death Star, none of us exactly normal anymore, and you guys are all just..." Cordelia trailed off.

"All what?" Dawn asked.

"All just yawning and acting like it's another day at the office," she said quietly and stopped walking.

They all paused for a moment and Xander leaned towards her so Dawn could hug her.

"I- I don't know how you guys do it," Cordelia admitted, leaning into Dawn's embrace.

"Angel's been dead before and then got two hundred years of psycho version of him's memories stuffed in his head, and the rest of us actually saw the end of the world," Dawn explained. "All of this is a major step up. For all we know, Luke Skywalker is about to blow this place up and it'd still be better than where we came from."

"I did not need to hear that," Cordelia groaned, burying her head in Dawn's hair.

"There's an afterlife and it rocks," Buffy assured Cordelia. "So death is not that big a deal. No need for existential angst, OK?"

Cordelia sighed and pulled back from Dawn's hug, giving her a grateful smile before resuming walking. "Fine, but I like living. I haven't done nearly as much of it as I'd like."

"That's what we're aiming for," Willow told her, "we just aren't allowing fear of death to interfere in our enjoying of life."

"Plus we are in the Star Wars universe with a lot of knowledge that no one else has," Xander told her. "Meaning we can become rich and powerful a lot easier than you think."

"And we mean richer and more powerful than Bill Gates and Steve Jobs," Willow added.

"Really?" Cordelia asked hopefully.

"Really?" Buffy echoed in surprise.

"We are Star Wars geeks with powers and knowledge from three different versions of it," Dawn said, "that means as long as we survive and escape we can work as smugglers, traders, healers, or... probably a dozen other things while getting enough money and supplies to raid lost temples or locate forgotten treasures."

"It's in the bag," Xander agreed with a grin.

"Treasure hunting is probably dangerous and dirty," Cordelia said unable to keep a grin from her lips.

"Sweaty, primitive jungles, large dangerous animals, and loads of gold and jewels," Dawn agreed.

"Of course modern gear can insure bug free campsites with proper bathrooms and hot showers," Xander said.

"They didn't have all that in the movies," Buffy said.

"They always made ships cramped for no real reason," Dawn agreed. "Mass means money, but they always take it too far, trying to cut corners and save on fuel."

"And they never use droids to anywhere near their full capacity," Xander added.

"It's a cultural blind spot," Willow guessed. "Being from Earth, where we have had a lot of time to dreams up ways to use all their tech more efficiently, we can do a lot more with less."

"That's the theory anyway," Dawn added. "We can't really know until we get a chance to play with everything."

"Well let's hope you're right," Cordelia said cheerfully," because that sounds like a great advantage to have."

"You've got that right," Buffy said.

Nothing more was said for nearly half an hour until Buffy spotted the terminal. "There it is," Buffy said pointing to the end of the row.

"Finally," Cordelia said, "though that's still a ways away."

"A couple of minutes tops," Xander said. "Race you?"

"You're on," Willow agreed using a Force leap to gain the lead.

"Cheater!" Xander yelled, running full out.

Angel sped up, but didn't try to pass them and was passed in turn by Cordelia as she regained her cat like features and blew past everyone, easily reaching the wall mounted terminal first.

Willow landed ten feet up the wall, feet first, and slid down it towards the floor with an almost supernatural grace. "You're fast!"

Cordelia smirked, happy to find she was superior to the others in at least one area.

Xander arrived a handful of seconds later. "I could beat you in stamina," he pointed out, setting Dawn down, "but you two have me outclassed in sheer speed for the moment."

Angel floated in behind him, looking completely relaxed and unhurried with a smug looking Buffy still using him as a bed.

"OK, hack that thing and tell us what's going on," Dawn ordered Willow.

"I know the language, but a Jedi Healer is not the type of person to hack a system and Earth systems are nothing like this," Willow admitted.

"It's a lot easier than you think," Xander said squeezing in beside Willow. "It actually has a primitive Proto-AI like system to help it deal with a variety of troopers from across the empire. Pry up the keyboard and loop the status call circuit and it'll let us know if it tries to notify any other systems while making it believe we are authorized."

"How do you know so much about computers?" Buffy asked surprised.

"Rogue class," Xander reminded her, "means I know the basics of quite a lot of shady skills and quite a lot of some basic ones. It just so happens droids and computer systems are something Jessie swore were mandatory knowledge in a spacing going society for any rogue."

"You are going to teach me," Willow said, bouncing in place, excited at the thought while they both worked on the system.

"Sure," Xander agreed. "And we're in," he said as he and Willow paged through various screens and searched for various answers.

"Well?" Buffy asked after five minutes had gone by and the pair hadn't said anything, absorbed in what they were doing.

"Oh," Willow said, shocked back to reality, "well, Xander is really good at this and we have mostly good news."

"What's the bad news?" Angel asked.

"Doesn't quite work that way," Xander said, "it's all a mix."

"Well tell us something," Cordelia demanded, "are we going to blow up or what?"

"No, we're good there," Willow quickly said, "no battles are going on."

"This is a fully completed Death Star, some fifty odd miles from the core to the surface," Xander explained, "and it's been mostly shut down for a little over six years."

"Everyone on board died, so it shut down non-essential systems while waiting for a new commanding officer, so basically only life support and maintenance are still operating," Willow explained.

"There are so many questions I want to ask, I don't know where to begin," Dawn said.

"The answers aren't going to be found in a supply terminal," Xander said, "and we have a very long walk to find a terminal that does contain them."

"No trains, elevators, escalators, or moving stairways?" Buffy asked.

"No blueprints, so we're wandering blindly and I don't think those fall under essential systems," Willow said with a sigh.

"So what's the good news?" Angel asked.

"Internal security is practically nil, there's no one here to arrest us, and since it's been quiet for over half a decade, the odds of anyone attacking is also practically nil," Xander explained. "Our only real enemy is boredom and sore feet."

"After the last six years I've had, I could use some boredom," Buffy said cheerfully.

"That does actually sound nice, but I have a feeling finding out what killed all the people on board is going to be important," Dawn said, pulling her pistol from its holster and checking the charge before holstering it.

"And knowing us, it'll be something we have to find out as soon as possible," Willow agreed, her right hand drifting down to check her lightsaber on her belt.

"Still beats dealing with Snyder," Cordelia pointed out.

"And suddenly the zebras are all shiny and new," Buffy said, making Xander and Willow laugh.

"Inside joke?" Angel asked.

"It's like the Heimlich with stripes," Willow said, making the other two laugh even harder, before she joined in again herself.

"It was something we said at the zoo before I was possessed," Xander explained once he caught his breath. "It's a 'you had to be there' thing."

"It boils down to being happy where you are," Willow said.

"Provided that 'are' is not at school," Xander added.

"Or around Snyder," Buffy finished.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	32. As it is written

**As it is written**

"There is a way to keep Dawn safe," Giles offered, disrupting the current argument about sending Dawn away from the Hellmouth, that was raging across the front room of the Magic Box.

"And that would be?" Buffy asked. "And why haven't you told us about it before?" she demanded before he could answer.

Giles took off his glasses and cleaned them. "I just found the prophecy a few days ago and I had to verify that the Rite of Com-Shuk was accurate before I suggested it."

"Oh, sorry," Buffy apologized, calming down.

"Yes, well," Giles put back on his glasses, "using the rite of Com-Shuk we can transfer the Key energy from Dawn to someone else."

"We can transfer it to me," Buffy said firmly, seeing a way to keep Dawn safe and draw all the attention to herself.

"I'm afraid the transfer only works going from one sex to another," Giles explained.

"Maybe you should let Giles explain the whole thing before making plans," Dawn said stiffly, trying not to shudder.

"Fine," Buffy said. "Giles, what exactly does Corn Shucking entail and do we have everything we need?"

"Thankfully it requires very little preparation," Giles said before clearing his throat and forcing himself not to reach for his glasses. "The couple recite a simple chant, then... copulate, and the power is transferred," he finished.

"Copulates?!" Buffy exclaimed. "No way is Dawn doing that!"

"So you'd rather I die than have sex?" Dawn demanded.

"Well... no," Buffy admitted. "But you're kinda young for corn shucking," Buffy explained. "Plus we'd need to find someone for you to corn shuck with and... and I want your first time to be better than mine was."

"The prophecy actually names who the male should be," Giles interjected.

"Really? Who?" Willow asked.

"Well he better be damn good," Spike said, earning a glare from Buffy. "What? If it's her first time, she should be able to enjoy it, not look back and regret it, that's all I'm saying."

"Thank you, Spike," Dawn said.

"OK, you have a point," Buffy admitted with a sigh.

"So who's our lucky bachelor?" Xander asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Born on the mouth of hell, possessed the spirit of the plains, princess kissed and demons felled, courts the woman of scorn and pain," Giles quoted aloud.

"Xander," Willow said as soon as Giles finished.

"What?" he replied.

"We need to figure this out." Buffy groaned, "Why are these riddles always so hard?!"

"It's Xander," Giles agreed.

"What?" Xander repeated in shock.

"When did he kiss a princess?" Spike asked.

"He fits all the requirements," Anya agreed.

"What?" Xander repeated in shock.

"Xander was born in Sunnydale," Willow said holding up a finger.

"The plains spirit would be the Hyena," Buffy said as she put it together.

"He's felled demons," Spike admitted, "but when did he shag royalty?"

"Kissed," Xander corrected him, "kissed a princess or rather was kissed by one. Ampata kissed me."

"She was an ancient mummy princess," Buffy waved it off.

"And I am the woman of Scorn and Pain," Anya said proudly. "I finally get mentioned in a prophecy!" she squealed excitedly.

"With all the disasters you caused, you'd think you'd get mentioned more," Willow said sarcastically.

"I know, it's discrimination that's what it is," Anya griped before she beamed once more. "Make me a copy, I'm going to frame it!"

Seeing that Xander was looking a little freaked out, Dawn quickly hurried over to him and grabbed his hands. "You'll help keep me safe, right?" she asked, giving him her best puppy dog eyes.

"Of course I will," Xander assured her, wrapping his arms around her. "I'll do whatever it takes to keep you safe."

Spike lit a cigarette and watched as Dawn wrapped Xander around her little finger before the group departed to research and prepare, leaving Dawn and Spike alone in the front room of the Magic Box.

"You need to work on your poetry," Spike told her, "plains and pain is a bit clumsy."

Dawn grinned realizing Spike had seen right through her but didn't seem to mind. "Bet you didn't think teaching me forgery would lead to this."

Spike laughed. "No, I never saw this one coming."

"I told you, stick the word 'prophecy' in front of something and they'll believe anything," Dawn said.

Spike nodded. "I'm a bit surprised Xander fell for it though, I mean he's the one who's actually shown what bollocks prophecy can be."

"The trick is making the prophecy something he wants to come true… me being safe," Dawn explained with a grin.

"Not having Buffy kill him for it probably helps a bit," Spike said, amused.

"Of course, having everyone jump every time a prophecy says something, is dangerous," Dawn pointed out, "so to protect them I'm going to have to do this repeatedly, until they realize prophecy is not always true or accurate."

"You Com-shuking Xander every week is either going to break them of it or simply become another apocalypse preparations chore," Spike replied amused.

"I have a book with over three hundred Tantric rituals," Dawn said with a shrug. "Tantric rituals can be a big help in defensive spells."

"Don't you feel a little guilty for taking advantage of poor Xander," Spike teased.

"I'll let him in on the joke," Dawn replied with a smirk.

"When?" Spike asked curiously, wondering what trick she had up her sleeve.

"Once we're both oiled up, naked, and alone."

"You are devious," Spike said proudly. "Don't suppose you have any rituals involving a vampire and slayer?"

"If it gets you to two to come out of the closest, I have dozens," Dawn promised.

Spike winced. "I thought we were being discrete."

"I know my sister and when she comes home walking like she does after using her favorite toy... it's kinda obvious," Dawn said wrinkling her nose.

"Favorite toy?" Spike asked, having been in Buffy's room before and never noticed anything like that.

"She hides it in a certain stuffed animal," Dawn said. "Finding it was traumatizing."

Spike burst out laughing.

"Anyway, I have enough rituals and blank scrolls to keep everyone in our group feeling mellow and happy for some time to come, plus tantric protection magic is really effective, so technically every prophecy I write will be true," she said smugly.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

**AN: Someone said they were tired of Xander/Dawn in my fics, so naturally that just encouraged me to write more.**


	33. Little Big Mouse in the city 1

**Little Big Mouse in the city 1**

Anyanka stroked her amulet. It felt good to be herself again, powerful, immortal, with a slight ache in her chest for what she had almost had...

She groaned and slammed a fist down on the bar, denting the heavy wood. She'd been much happier before she'd come to the Hellmouth and granted that accursed wish of Xander's ex, that brunette strumpet. If only she could undo... She grinned evilly as she realized she could undo things, by sending a message to herself in the past.

"Get me a piece of paper," she ordered Willy. The terrified bartender hurried to comply. "Pen," she demanded when he handed her a notepad. "Let's go with irony," she decided aloud, recalling how much fun she'd had with that before.

"He doesn't want to man up... then how about making him a mouse? Not mighty mouse, but a little mouse type person like in that cartoon we watched," she muttered writing the idea down. "Or stick him in a comic book." She nodded to herself as she brainstormed. "Can't have the world ending, that's no fun, so put it after he prevented that zombie thing. Hmm, he was also useful for dealing with the mayor... but all that takes is some common sense... Yeah, better just give everyone their memories up to graduation so they don't need him." She made a note on the paper. "Last time they figured out what happened because his ex knew about the wish, so I'll send her with him. I can send the psycho slayer along as well, she almost killed him, so little miss first time can go as well."

Anyanka frowned as the pen ran out of ink. "Bah, too used to being a mortal. I'm a demon and I'll act like one!" A tap of the finger scoured the paper bare of any writing and a second tap burned a message into the paper along with a simple wish. "There, one simple wish for eternal damnation!"

**Sunnydale High: The Scooby's senior year**

Anyanka smirked as she disguised herself as a high school student. She could feel the anger and pain radiating from her next client and she sensed this was going to be one hell of a wish, even without the Hellmouth doing its best to help pervert it.

***crackle***

The air in front of her tore and a slightly singed piece of paper fell out of the hole before it sealed itself back up. Snatching the paper out of the air, she read it and frowned before casting several spells on it to make sure it was genuine. She carefully reread it before tucking it into her pocket. Waiting a month before granting a wish was unusual, but according to what her future self had written, totally worth it to avoid losing her power.

**One month later...**

Cordelia splashed cold water on her face and sighed. They'd managed to save the world once more and the only people who knew were-

"Ahem," Anyanka said, catching Cordelia's attention. Seeing the girl's eyes widen in fear as she drew in a deep breath to scream, the demoness backhanded her to the ground. "You scream, I kill you, understand?"

"Yeah," Cordelia muttered, dazed from hitting the ground.

"Good," Anyanka said, pulling out the piece of paper her future self had sent her. "Read this starting at the words, 'I wish'," she ordered.

"I wish death and pain eternal..." Cordelia's voice trailed off as she tried to focus on the paper, but her eyes refused to cooperate. "Can I wish that everything written on this paper happens?" she questioned.

"Granted!" Anyanka intoned with a grin as Cordelia vanished in a puff of smoke. "Huh, apparently you can," she said cheerfully before snapping her fingers and vanishing as well.

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Ahhhhh!" Xander yelped, as he fell from a great height to slam into a polished granite slab along with two other people.

"What the fuck was that?!" Faith demanded in a squeaky voice, sounding majorly freaked out.

Xander forced himself to his feet, surprised that nothing seemed to be broken. "I don't know. I was just..." Xander's voice trailed off as a surge of memories hit him. They'd wired the school to explode and were getting ready for graduation, and then he was falling. He saw Faith and panicked, moving backwards as fast as he could to gain some room from the psycho who had tried to kill him and his friends, and then he was falling once more. "Ahhhhh!"

Faith rushed over to the edge of the cliff Xander had stumbled off of and looked down. It was at least a two mile drop, so even if he landed in the water below, it'd be like hitting cement. She sighed and backed away from the edge trying to figure out what was going on. The rush of memories she'd gotten she had ignored for the moment, as they were a lot like Slayer dreams just ones staring her.

Looking around, she shook her head in disbelief, they were in a giant's house from the look of things or... a mall? They were in a mall for giants? Cordelia's groan attracted her attention and Faith stared at her in shock for a second. Cordelia had pointed ears, whiskers, and a tail with a little poofy bit on the end and now that she noticed... Faith had them as well. They weren't in a giant's mall, they had been turned into mouse-like people!

"Come on cheer-girl we gotta get some cover," Faith said, picking Cordelia up, who muttered and groaned, before lapsing back into unconsciousness. Thankfully Cordelia felt even lighter as a little mouse person because it was a long way to the nearest store when you were the size of a mouse.

Cordelia came to as Faith was manhandling her through the metal bars in front of the greeting card store. "What?" she muttered blurrily, looking around with half open eyes. "Faith? Come to kill me?" she asked sounding only faintly interested in the answer.

"The opposite," Faith replied as she carried her into the store, smiling as she saw a low shelf filled with Christmas themed dolls and ornaments. "Guess you got hit with a lot of memories too?" she asked as she wondered how she was going to get the semi-conscious girl up there since it was a little over their heads.

"Memories?" Cordelia asked confused. "What?"

"What's the last thing you remember?" Faith asked, stepping back a little so she could find a soft looking spot to throw her.

"Graduation," Cordelia said softly. "Mayor going to become a big snake."

"That didn't happen," Faith told her. "We just got finished protecting the Hellmouth from these blue bitches when we got dropped here and a couple months worth of memories that didn't happen got stuff in our heads."

"I... remember running into Xander, but also being in the bathroom and that demon bitch he took to prom hit me," Cordelia said softly. "It's... not matching, they don't fit."

"Shit didn't go down that way," Faith said, seeing a spot with a lot of cotton ball snow that looked soft. "Not saying it couldn't have happened that way, just that it didn't."

"You're not a crazed killer?" Cordelia asked hopefully.

"Nope, and doesn't look like I'm going to go that way either," Faith assured her.

"Good," Cordelia said," It's better to..."

"OK, here we go," Faith said once Cordelia had passed out again. Grabbing her by an arm and a leg she spun her around like she was playing airplane and launched her up onto the shelf, overshooting the cotton balls she was aiming for and slamming her into the wall behind it with a thud. The unconscious mouse girl bounced off the wall and landed on the pile of cotton balls while Faith winced. "Damn, hope she doesn't remember that."

Faith walked up to the shelf, bent her knees and leapt up to grab the edge of the shelf, but somehow overshot, leaping at least five times her own height and easily landing feet first on the shelf, stumbling in the cotton 'snow' and falling on her face. "OK, I'm stronger than I was," she muttered before pushing herself up and crawling over to Cordelia, who a quick check revealed to be fine or no worse than she had been anyway.

"Get some sleep now, cause tomorrow is going to be a bitch," Faith said with a sigh, moving the cotton around to make a cozy nest for the pair.

**0o0o0o0o0o0 **

Xander hit the water on his belly with a tremendous splash. It took him a minute to recover and he was surprised to find he was still in one piece with all five limbs attached. "Five?!" Xander examined his tail while he tried to keep afloat using just his legs. Shaking it off as unimportant he swam towards the edge of the fountain.

It took a bit of effort to climb out, but fortunately the stone was rough and his nails were a lot more like claws than they had been. Hitting the water had shocked him out of his panic over seeing Faith, so he could think rationally again. He ducked under a bench next to the fountain using it for cover as he looked for Faith. He doubted she'd risk her life to follow him, but better safe than sorry.

After a couple of minutes had passed with no crazy slayers attacking him he relaxed a little and rung out his clothes. Now that he had the time to relax and examine himself it was obvious what he was and where he was... kinda. He was a Little, a sort of mouse human creature from one of his favorite cartoons as a kid and he was in a mall.

"Lacey's for when you don't know," he read aloud. "OK, weird off brand Macy's department store, still just what the doctor ordered." he needed weapons and armor, in case he ran into Faith, but first he needed to get out of his wet clothes and let them dry, because they were rubbing against scratches Faith had left on his back.

There was something wrong with that thought, but he'd consider that later when he was comfortably armed.

**0o0o0o0o0o0 **

Cordelia awoke with a groan and buried her head in the pillows, trying to escape the pounding in her head.

"Easy there, cheer-babe, you ain't bought me dinner yet," Faith said.

Coming fully awake, Cordelia leapt away from Faith landing in deep cotton at least three feet away much to her surprise. "What the..."

"We had just kept the blue bitches from opening the Hellmouth when me, you, and Xander got a couple of month's worth of memories stuffed in our head, were turned into mice people, and dropped here from at least twenty feet up," Faith explained.

"Fuck," Cordelia said with a groan.

"Yeah," Faith agreed with a sigh. "You smacked your head pretty hard and Xander panicked and fell... let's just say it ain't good. I carried you into a greeting card store to hide and let you rest a bit, not to mention rest myself."

"You aren't supposed to let people with head injuries rest," Cordelia said as she examined herself, taking note of the nails and tail. "I need a mirror," she muttered trying not to think about Xander.

"That only matters if you got a doc on hand to cut a hole in their skull if pressure builds up," Faith told her. "We ain't got a doc and I'm not sure when and where to cut a hole, so there was no real reason to keep you awake. I figure you'd rather pass peacefully in your sleep than have me hacking holes in your skull on the off chance that I might be doing it right."

"You're not wrong," Cordelia agreed. "So... not a psycho killer?"

"Nope, though it looks like Buffy and Wesley could turn me into one if I hung out with them long enough," Faith said.

"So without them around you won't go kill crazy?" Cordelia asked doubtfully.

"No Buffy setting me up to kill someone and no Wesley making me a fugitive, means I ain't got to go down that road," Faith said firmly.

"That makes sense," Cordelia admitted, relaxing a little. "How long was I out?"

"No idea, I crashed myself," Faith said. "I'm feeling pretty well rested so... I don't know somewhere between four and twelve hours."

"So... what now?" Cordelia asked. "We wait for someone to rescue us?"

"I don't know what happened, but I doubt Buffy and them got the kinda power needed to make us human again much less find us, we're tiny and it's a big world out there," Faith said.

"I remember a bit," Cordelia said. "The demon Xander took to the prom attacked me and did some sort of wish magic. I remember... two different lives. In one she granted a wish to get rid of Buffy and everything changed and then they broke her necklace and everything was fine. The second one was her attacking me and now we're here, so all we have to do is wait until they break her necklace and we'll be home again."

"How'd they find out about the necklace last time?" Faith asked.

"I told... well fuck," she said with a sigh.

"Yeah, ain't like they got our extra set of memories either or they could figure things out and know what to look for," Faith said shaking her head.

"So what do we do?" Cordelia asked.

"No clue," Faith admitted. "I figure I'll get something to eat and look around before making plans."

"We should probably take care of Xander's body," Cordelia said softly. "Are you sure he's..."

"It was a hella long drop, water or not, he's dead," Faith said, looking away from her.

**0o0o0o0o0o0 **

Xander ran the edge of his katana along the grinder, ignoring the sparks as he carefully sharped the letter opener on the spinning wheel.

He wasn't sure how he'd gone from blowing up the school to trapped as a little in a mall with a Slayer who tried to kill him before, but he wasn't going to let that stop him. Over the last six hours he'd scoured all of the Office and Craft Supplies department for weapons and armor and done surprisingly well.

Testing the edge of his katana he smiled in satisfaction and turned off the grinder, having to use both hands and throw his weight to one side to flip off the toggle switch on the hand held grinder.

He'd never been the most handy of men, but he'd found it surprisingly easy to work with his new teeth, claws, and tail. It was amazing how useful having a tail was, like an extra hand.

His stomach rumbled, reminding him it had been quite a while since he'd eaten. He slid his arms through the straps he'd sewn on an old crown royal bag, sheathing his sword in its plastic sheathe by his side and leapt off the shelf he was on, dropping many times his own height and landing quietly, knees bending slightly to absorb the shock.

He'd loved the Little's Cartoon, but it had really undersold how tough they were for their size. He was sure Willow could explain it using some size to weight ratio chart, like she had on why giants didn't exist, but all he knew was that it reminded him of Spiderman cartoons, but without the web shooters.

"Now where to find food?" he wondered aloud.

Grocery stores weren't something you'd find in malls and fast food places were usually kept as spotless and pest proof as possible, often through traps and poisons, so that only left a few places to find food in the mall, such as employee break rooms, unless he wanted to live solely on the candy most places had near the register.

Mind made up, Xander considered how best to find the employee break rooms and reach them. At his current size the mall was the size of a major city to him and he didn't feel like walking for eight hours every time he got hungry so he could eat, not to mention he still needed to find a safe place to sleep where neither the humans nor Faith could find him.

"Thank god Saturday morning cartoons prepared me for this," Xander said with a grin.

**0o0o0o0o0o0 **

"Is this what being a Slayer was like?" Cordelia asked as she leapt five times her body height to grab hold of a dangling phone cord and easily climb it to reach the counter above.

"Nah, this is like a dozen times better," Faith replied as she followed her up the cord. "I could never have jumped like this as a Slayer."

"What should we grab?" Cordelia asked, as they stared at the candy display next to the register and the various displays of novelty items.

"A pen light and a pocket knife," Faith said examining the items for the smallest ones.

"I meant for food," Cordelia said.

"Grab a roll of donuts," Faith suggested.

"They're as big as I am," Cordelia pointed out.

"Which means they should keep us fed for at least a day," Faith told her. "As a Slayer I ate a lot, as mice people I'm thinking it'll be worse."

"OK. Chocolate?" she asked.

"Better stick with powdered," Faith said, "Chocolate is poison to some animals and I don't know if that includes us or not yet."

"As long as it's not coconut," Cordelia said easily lifting the roll of donuts and dropping them off the edge of the counter.

"Here," Faith said, handing a pen light the size of a purse and a folding knife as big as her leg to her.

Cordelia tossed them after the donuts. Faith shook her head and tossed hers as well.

"See a mini sewing kit anywhere?" Cordelia asked.

"Sure give me a second," Faith said, pushing aside a jar of disposable lighters to reveal a tray of emergency seam repair kits.

"I doubt the doll clothes are our size, so unless you want to go naked we'll have to make some clothes," Cordelia explained. "We may be Barbie sized, but that bitch's clothes are not going to fit without some alterations."

"Pillows, blankets, and bags wouldn't be bad either," Faith agreed, tossing the kit off the counter. "We good?"

Cordelia looked around and added a couple of tubes of crazy glue and a disposable lighter to the stuff below. "Yeah, we're good."

"Good, let's get down from here," Faith said.

"Not a big fan of heights?" Cordelia asked.

"I keep recalling falling off a building with a knife in my gut," Faith admitted. "After that it's all black."

"Actually considering our size..." Cordelia walked to the edge.

"What are you doing?" Faith asked nervously.

"If a mouse dropped off a counter, would you expect it to get hurt?" Cordelia asked.

Faith's nose wrinkled in thought and she found herself playing with her tail. "I don't think it would even slow one down, why?"

"Because I'm pretty sure we could pull off the same stunts," Cordelia said.

"And you want to test it by jumping?" Faith asked doubtfully. "Wouldn't it make more sense to try jumping off smaller things first?"

"Yeah, it probably would," Cordelia agreed before jumping.

"You crazy bitch!" Faith screamed running to the edge and seeing Cordelia stand up and dust herself off.

"I'm fine!" Cordelia yelled back.

Faith waited a moment for her heart to slow down before taking a deep breath and jumping. "Fuck!" she cursed as she landed, lost her balance, and fell on her ass. "What was up with that crazy stunt?" Faith demanded.

"It just made sense," Cordelia told her firmly, "and I realized that if I could land without even spraining an ankle..."

"Yeah?" Faith asked when Cordelia trailed off.

"Then how much you want to bet Xander is fine too?" Cordelia asked with a buck toothed grin.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

**AN: ChiVayne pointed out that he liked Xander/Cordelia/Faith stories and I realized I hadn't written one before, mostly because of the personalities of the three involved and the time period they are actually together makes the pairing even less likely, so I decided to figure out a way it would work between the three of them. As you can see it's going to take some work.**


	34. Working For The Weekend 3

**Working for the Weekend 3**

**Part 1: Chapter 55 ****Yet Still Even More Fragments!**

**Part 2: Chapter 58 ****Yet Still Even More Fragments!**

Giles winced at the noise level as he drank his beer. 'If you could call the cold, discolored, ditch water, beer,' he thought to himself.

He'd intended to find a quiet bar to drink in peace, but he wasn't familiar with the area, so when asking a local where to catch a quick pint he'd been directed to The Bronze. Needless to say, he wasn't enjoying the loud music and gyrating teenagers.

This was no place for an Englishman, this was more a place for teenagers and the various things that prey on them. 'Vampires would enjoy this places more than I do,' Giles thought to himself, before taking a second glance around as he realized how true that thought was.

He almost groaned as he saw a large breasted young lady being lead out a side door by what he was certain was a vampire. He wasn't a Slayer, he was a Watcher, but he couldn't just stand by and do nothing.

His hands checked his pockets to make sure he had everything on him as he slid through the crowd. A part of his mind noted that fighting a vampire in a dark alley was probably a more appropriate way to honor the fallen Slayer, than drinking in a bar. 'Or that just may be an excuse not to have to drink any more of that swill,' Giles thought to himself. Buoyed by the thought that, win or lose, he wouldn't have to face any more American beer, he entered the alley.

The blonde was trying to scream as the dark haired man tore at her clothes, but a second assailant restrained her and covered her mouth with his hand, muffling her cries.

Giles poured half a vial of holy water over his fire hardened ash stake before flinging the rest over the three. A large silver cross hung across his chest as he leapt forward, leading with his stake.

The girl's scream rang out loudly, overpowering the heavy bass of the club's music that echoed through the alley. The vampires roared as the holy water burned them like acid.

Giles slammed his stake into the back of the first vamp, missing the heart but causing it to fall howling to the ground. The second vamp, face scarred and its right eye seared shut, threw the blonde to the side, sending her crashing into a stack of crates before leaping at the unarmed Watcher.

Giles braced himself but found his feet being yanked out from under him by the Vampire he'd staked, causing the one trying to tackle him to slam into the side of the building. Partially stunned from the back of his head hitting the alley floor, Giles watched as the vamp he'd stabbed in the spine crawled its way up his body, its legs dragging uselessly behind it.

He slid a hand inside his jacket and grasped the heavy silver cross he wore, but before he could bring it out as a final defiant act, the vampire was ripped off him and flung across the alley. By the time Giles had recovered, the young man who'd rescued him was helping him up and returning his stake, the two vampires ash of the ground.

"We need to get you two inside," the young man told Giles. "They won't attack with that many witnesses around." He helped up the semi-conscious blonde and helped her repair her clothing.

No one inside batted an eye as the three stumbled in, two of them looking disheveled and relying on the third to keep them upright.

"Rupert Giles," Giles introduced himself.

"Angel," the man replied, helping them to a quiet table. "I know who you are and there are some things you should know."

"Harmony Kendall," the blonde girl added, finding her voice.

0oo0o0o0o0o0o0

Buffy awoke curled up in Xander's arms and feeling a lot happier than she had in a long time. It was so peaceful here with no arguing parents, vampires, or shrinks. After about half an hour she decided to get up. Ever since she'd become the Slayer she just couldn't laze around in bed for very long before getting the urge to get up and move around.

"Morning," Xander said with a yawn as Buffy stretched.

"Morning," Buffy replied, blushing a little as Xander got dressed and pulled a coffee pot from his never ending backpack.

"Coffee first, rational conversation later," Xander told her rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"Not a morning person?" Buffy asked amused.

"I'm so a morning person," Xander replied, "when it arrives at a sensible time like noon."

Buffy grinned as Xander stirred the coals to life and got the fire burning strong again. "So, what's on the menu for breakfast?"

"Bacon, eggs, and toast," Xander replied.

"I thought it would be canned goods and jerky," she admitted, surprised.

"Maybe on the third day," Xander said, "but on the first two we have fresh food. They always insist I take along a couple of things of eggs for some reason."

"Imagine that," Buffy said trying not to laugh.

"I'll make us some omelets," Xander decided. "I can boil them while frying bacon and getting the water ready for coffee."

"Boil omelets?" Buffy asked.

"Put them in a plastic bag and you can boil them rather than fry them, leaving more room for bacon," Xander explained as he started getting everything together.

"This, I've gotta see," Buffy said.

**After breakfast...**

"That was better than my mom made when we went camping," Buffy complimented him.

"I've had a lot of experience," Xander replied cheerfully.

"You'll have to teach me," Buffy told him, "because last Mother's day my attempts set off the fire alarm and though Mom did say she appreciated the view of waking up to half a dozen strapping young men, replacing the couch was a bit much."

"Replacing the couch?" Xander asked.

"Totally not my fault. I bet real leather wouldn't catch fire from flaming grease half so easily," Buffy swore.

"My first few attempts at campfires probably burned down half a forest," Xander assured her. "If not for the Boy Scouts manual I found I'd probably have set myself on fire over a dozen times by now."

"I blame the vampires running around screaming for... Ahem, anyway, what do we have planned for today?" Buffy asked changing the subject.

"Explore, take a nap, do homework," he replied, much more awake now that he'd had his coffee.

"Take a nap?" she asked surprised.

"Noon is hot as hell near the equator, even the predators catch a quick snooze rather than hunt for lunch," he explained.

"Unless they're big lizards or small dinosaurs," Buffy joked.

"Alligators and Crocodiles tend to nap all the time," Xander said, shaking his head. "Well... until I get near them anyway. I swear they have it in for me!"

"Pretty sure there aren't any around, wrong area for them, but I'll keep an eye out," Buffy promised.

"Good," Xander replied. "I'm pretty good at keeping an eye out, but two heads are better than one, and unlike my other tag-a-longs, I don't have to spend all my time keeping you from getting eaten by something."

"Is that really a problem?" Buffy asked.

"Depending on the area and the person," Xander replied as he gathered up the gear they needed. "Mostly I get girls who aren't even used to camping, much less surviving in the wilderness. Strangely enough they give me the least amount of trouble, as they know they are out of their element and listen to me. No, the guys are the worst. Some guy accepts a dare and grabs my arm just before I jump. Most of them are jocks and they usually don't listen to me until after they've almost gotten eaten by something."

Buffy laughed. "Sounds like prom all over again."

"Ready to go exploring?"

**Two days later...**

"Almost time," Xander announced making sure he had everything and wrapping a hand around one of the support poles of the egg holder.

"I'm hurrying!" Buffy exclaimed, scooping up a handful of baby turtles and dropping them in the ice chest before the seagulls could get them and sprinting to where Xander was standing.

Xander took hold of her hand and laced his fingers with hers. "So, what did you think?"

"I think I'm going to fly Air-Xander every week," she teased him.

"I have several replies to that, but I doubt they'll make it past the censors," he replied with a grin, making her laugh.

The pair looked around one last time, watching the multitude of hatching sea turtles rush to the sea, many of them getting picked off by sea gulls and ground parrots, just before they vanished with a pop, the sea steadily creeping up the shore to wash away the last traces of their presence.

0oo0o0o0o0o0o0

The Mayor was talking with the small group of scientists and wildlife conservationists that gathered every Thursday morning to collect everything Alexander Harris brought back from wherever it was he went to. There were also two men with large caliber rifles, just in case he brought back something dangerous on accident, as sometimes happened.

There were four traffic cones roughly marking off a ten foot wide square to insure no one was standing where Alexander and his latest traveling companion would appear. No one was quite sure what would happen, if anything, but the Mayor believed in erring on the side of caution. A number of students were also hanging around in the background, waiting to see if he brought back anything exciting like a tiger or another crocodile. They kept well back however as the principal had put out the word at the start of the year that an entire semester's detention awaited anyone who endangered their fellow students by obstructing the line of fire of the two men with rifles.

Joyce Summers had been invited to be there when the time lock on the 'shelter' opened and was wondering why they were all standing outside the school rather than in the basement. If not for everyone directing her to watch the empty spot inside the road cones, she'd have gone to the school basement already. She supposed they could have an elevator that would rise up from the ground, but she didn't see any lines in the grass where the door could be hidden.

"Relax, he's fine," Jessie assured Willow. "You always worry, but he's always fine and seriously that ban on Bronzing while he's gone is unfair."

"He's been hurt before," Willow replied, "and giving up one night out a week isn't going to kill you."

"It very well might," Jessie said, "especially when Cordelia was wearing a skirt that looked more like a belt and I had to stay home and miss it because Xander was... um," Jessie realized Joyce was new to all this and quickly changed what he was going to say, "trapped in the shelter."

"Does he get trapped a lot?" Joyce asked curiously.

"Seems like every week," Jessie replied with a smirk.

Willow's watch beeped loudly and she turned to focus on the empty patch of grass they were all gathered around drawing everyone's attention to it just as the two teens appeared out of nowhere, a blast of air blowing everyone's hair back.

Joyce stared in shock, her eyes searching the ground and the pair for an open hatch they could have popped out of or a hole but finding nothing.

"See? Perfectly fine," Jessie said cheerfully, standing a little straighter, a trace of relief in his voice belaying his words.

"We all saw it," Willow said, assuring Joyce that she wasn't hallucinating.

"I'm not sure what I saw," Joyce admitted.

"Your daughter will fill you in," Willow told her, turning back to examine the pair and waiting for the Mayor's signal so she could approach.

"No large animals, but he filled all the egg trays," Jessie noted. "OK, I'm off to flirt with Cordy."

"Have fun," Willow said absently. She sighed as she saw the way Buffy was holding Xander's hand. He was her best friend and she knew she wasn't really objective about him, having pretty strong feelings for him, but he was such a slut! It was hard to have any female friends when he kept sleeping with them!

"Xander my boy," the Mayor said cheerfully, "how did things go?" The Mayor looked over Xander, checking for wounds before examining Buffy.

"It went well, sir," Xander said with a smile. "We have 14 eggs from four separate nests of some sort of large ground parrot, two dozen tiny turtles, and a large number of plant cuttings and seeds."

"Ground parrot?" Mayor Wilkens asked curiously.

"Bright feathers, size of a turkey, hunt in packs," Buffy listed off. "We didn't get a close look at them, as we used air horns to scare them off and almost stumbled on the nests. Hi, I'm Buffy Summers." Buffy offered her hand.

The Mayor shook her hand. "Ahh, Miss Summers. Flutie said we had a new student. I hope this little incident hasn't caused you any trouble."

"Oh no, it was great," Buffy said, blushing slightly and letting go of Xander's hand.

"Not only was she a big help, she gave me a couple of ideas on how to make this safer," Xander said.

A half dozen people came forward and collected everything from the pair, talking excitedly and using technical terms the pair had no knowledge of.

"Aren't you going to need all that?" Buffy asked Xander, as they left with his camping gear.

"Not to worry, young lady," the Mayor said cheerfully, "they'll have it cleaned, refitted, and repaired before the next jump."

"Buffy?" a female voice called out.

"Mom?!" Buffy exclaimed in surprise.

"What did I just see?" Joyce asked, not believing her own eyes.

"Nothing," Buffy said flatly, her good mood gone. "The timer released on the bunker and the elevator opened up onto the lawn in front of the school."

Xander touched her shoulder and they locked eyes for a moment before Buffy gave him a small smile and a tiny shake of her head. He nodded and turned back to the Mayor, letting her deal with her mother herself.

"We should get home, I need a shower," Buffy said, walking off, her mother quickly following.

Joyce didn't say a word as they drove home, knowing Buffy was upset and not sure what she had seen, she gave Buffy some time and waited until they were home to speak.

"I'll wash your clothes while you shower," Joyce offered.

"I... Thanks, Mom," Buffy said, passing her clothes to her while the shower warmed up. Spending time on Xander's world had been great, only lacking a proper bed and a hot shower to be perfect. After the shower she put on the clean clothes her mother had laid out and went downstairs, only to find Joyce staring at the crystals she'd gathered from the walls of their cave as a souvenir.

Joyce looked at her daughter. "I might be able to fool myself into believing you didn't appear out of nowhere right in front of me, but there's no way you picked these up locally." She took a deep breath. "Whatever you have to say, I'll listen."

"Last time you listened to me, I got locked up," Buffy said quietly.

"Locking you up for a small amount of time let us keep the police from locking you up for a large amount of it," Joyce explained. "A claim of bad drug interaction from some boy slipping you something let us turn a five year mandatory arson and reckless endangerment charge into a temporary insanity judgment."

"I... didn't know that," Buffy admitted. "But you still didn't believe me."

"Dear, extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof," Joyce said. "If I claimed I was descended from Thor would you believe me?"

"Not unless you showed me the hammer," Buffy admitted.

"Exactly," Joyce said. "Now I admit something beyond what I know is going on and I'd like to hear from you what that is."

"Ok, wait right here," Buffy said as an idea hit her. "I need to get something from the basement."

Joyce raised an eyebrow when Buffy returned with a three foot long piece of rebar, and easily bent it a few times to make a rough spring. Joyce accepted the rebar from her and examined it. "And what does this prove?"

"That I'm a lot stronger than I should be," Buffy replied.

Joyce slowly began straightening the rebar back out, letting out a couple of grunts and putting some serious effort into it. It took her nearly a minute to get it unwound and she had a sheen of sweat on her forehead. "Dear, all the women in our family are stronger than you'd expect and rebar is made to bend."

Buffy took the rebar back and effortlessly tied it into a knot, the metal screeching as she pulled it tight.

"OK, that was much more impressive," Joyce said, as she examined the knot in amazement.

"Everything I told you was true and I had to burn down the gym to save everyone from vampires," Buffy said firmly.

"And the appearing out of nowhere?" Joyce asked. "Where does that fit in with being a..."

"Vampire Slayer," Buffy finished for her, "and it doesn't."

"It doesn't?" Joyce asked surprised.

"No, turns out Shakespeare was right, the world is even stranger than I thought. Once a week, Xander and anyone that is touching him, teleport to a world where people never evolved."

"That explains some things," Joyce said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, I just happened to have grabbed his arm at the wrong time and poof, time to go camping," Buffy said, unaware of how wide her smile was.

Joyce noticed how happy Buffy looked, a look that had been absent from her face for quite some time. "What was it like?" she asked curiously, deciding the whole Slayer business could wait for the moment.

"It was a three day vacation on a tropical island," Buffy enthused. "Sure we had to sleep in a sleeping bag and cook over a campfire, but the air was so clean and we got to see some incredible sights! Next time I'm bringing a camera."

"Next time?" Joyce asked.

"Erm... well, he isn't safe there all alone," Buffy offered, "and I'm the Slayer, I can protect him."

"I suppose there is some sense in that," Joyce allowed.

"You should have seen the cave we used," Buffy said, relieved her Mom wasn't forbidding her from going, "the sun would hit the walls of the cave and turn all the little crystals in the walls into little prisms making rainbows everywhere. I brought some back because I was thinking of making a suncatcher out of them."

"Those aren't crystals, dear," Joyce said.

"Really?" Buffy asked. "Then what are they?"

"Your college fund," Joyce replied.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	35. Birds of a feather 2

**Birds of a Feather 2**

**Yet Even More Fragments Chapter 22 - Part 1**

"So, you need training to resist telepathic attacks?" Raven asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"Unless Aquaman is going to hire me as his personal assassin and offer me diplomatic immunity, I think it's my best option," Xander replied.

"I can't see him doing that," Beast Boy said nervously.

"Hence the training," Xander replied.

"Are you a dark arts practitioner?" Raven demanded. "Because I see a lot of dark energy clinging to you."

"Never cast a spell in my life," Xander said honestly. "Been possessed a couple of times because of someone else casting spells, had spells cast on me by others, but never cast a spell in my life."

"I can sense you believe that, but I have met demons that have cleaner auras," Raven said with a shudder.

Xander shrugged. "Not my job to convince you."

An alarm sounded and red lights started flashing.

The titans all pulled out octagon-shaped devices that looked a lot like the hand-held communicator the turtles used in TMNT. Xander briefly wondered who decided on the design, and if they were a TMNT fan.

"Hive is up to their usual tricks!" Robin exclaimed. "Titans, Go!" Robin paused and turned to Xander. "Don't go anywhere!" he said before sprinting off, followed by the others.

"Bathroom's across the hall, remote's probably under the sofa, and avoid the hotdogs in the fridge if you're allergic to tofu. We should be back in a couple of hours," Cyborg quickly rattled off before sprinting away, leaving Xander standing alone in the Titan's living room as the alarms shut off with a click.

"Could have gone better, could have gone worse," Xander said to himself before turning and searching under the couch for the remote.

The enormous, wide-screen TV behind him turned itself on; revealing an overweight teen with pimples and huge side-burns. "Greetings, Titans! It is I, Control Freak," he called out.

Xander spun around, but relaxed on seeing the teen who wouldn't look out of place hanging out with Andrew and Jonathan. "They're not here, and I don't expect them back for a couple of hours," Xander told him, taking off his jacket and tossing it on the couch.

"But I had everything planned!" Control Freak whined as he stepped out of the TV and then froze as he looked at Xander's shirt. "Why is your shirt covered in blood?"

"Relax, it's not mine," Xander said.

"That doesn't make it better," Control Freak complained nervously. "Are-are the Titans OK?"

"The Titans are fine," Xander assured him. "They went to deal with something called Hive."

"And the blood?" Control Freak asked again nervously, fingering his remote.

"Some guy called Black Manta bled all over it," Xander explained.

"Um...," the young man swallowed heavily. He'd seen the news reports on that.

"Relax," Xander told him. "Unless you've done something to make Aquaman want you dead, the odds of him ordering me to kill you are just about zero."

"OK," Control Freak said, looking relieved. "Aquaman ordered you to murder someone?" he asked curiously.

"Black Manta had declared war on Atlantis a couple of times, and Aquaman is their king, so technically it was a military action rather than a murder," Xander replied as he looked under the sofa. "Where is the remote?"

"Look under the cushions," Control Freak told him. "Remotes like to nest in sofas."

Xander started flipping over sofa cushions, finding: several dollars in small change, a pair of green underwear, a pizza in its box-smashed and moldy, and the remote. "Got it," Xander said, piling everything on the table.

"Are those Starfire's or Raven's?" Control Freak asked, staring at the panties with hearts in his eyes before shaking his head and looking embarrassed. "Sorry, that was way too creepy, wasn't it?"

"I've seen worse, and at least it's superhero panties and not just some run of the mill ones," Xander offered.

"Plus, I had to cross through two animes and a hentai cartoon to get here," Control Freak said, feeling a bit better.

"How does that work?" Xander asked, curiously.

"You want to know how I do my thing?" he asked, surprised.

"Who wouldn't?" Xander replied, thinking about the kind of vacation he could plan if he were able to step in one TV and out another, thousands of miles away.

"You are like the first person to ask me," Control Freak said.

"You're kidding," Xander said.

"Seriously," the villain replied. "No one has ever asked."

"Well, I'm asking," Xander said. "I mean, can you travel the world in an instant, put yourself in the main role of your favorite movie, or pull things out?"

"All of that and more," Control Freak said, happy that someone was interested in what he did.

0oo0o0o0o0o0

The Titans returned, looking a bit battered but in a good mood.

"Dude, did you see the way I mule-kicked Mammoth?" Beast Boy asked proudly. "Boom, right into the water!"

"It was a glorious battle!" Starfire enthused.

"Is that pizza?" Cyborg asked, sniffing the air.

"I thought I told you not to leave this room!" Robin growled out.

"I found the remote in the sofa, along with a bunch of change and a pair of green underwear," Xander replied, ignoring Robin.

"You found my Speedo?" Beast Boy asked hopefully, while the rest of the Titans shuddered.

"And traded it for a dozen pizzas and a pair of fingerless gloves," Xander said, waving a gloved hand at the stack of pizza boxes.

"Works for me," Beast Boy said, rushing over to grab a box.

"Who delivers pizza to Titan's Island for a Speedo, and in several different boxes?" Robin questioned.

"Some guy called Control Freak," Xander replied. "He saw my blood-stained shirt and was worried I'd done something to you guys, but once I explained he calmed right down and helped me find the remote."

"Probably wanted a souvenir," Cyborg said while grabbing a box for himself.

"And he just happened to have a dozen pizzas on hand?" Robin asked suspiciously.

"Nah, I borrowed his remote and pulled them out of some pizza commercials," Xander explained.

"Dude! Don't we have some of his remotes?" Beast Boy asked with excitement.

"They don't work for normal people-we tested them," Robin said, grabbing a slice of pizza. "They probably only worked for Xander because Control Freak was with him."

"Back to introductions," Cyborg ordered. "Tell us about yourself," he told Xander with a friendly smile.

"Not much to tell," Xander said with a shrug.

"Your mention of magic and possessions say otherwise," Raven noted dryly.

"And the swim thing," Beast Boy mumbled through a mouthful of pizza.

"Yeah, but I tell you, you tell Batman, and he has one fewer ulcer," Xander pointed out.

"But Batman is of the good," Starfire said confused. "Why would you wish him ulcers?"

Xander winced. "Please don't use the w-i-s-h word around me, and Batman has been a dick to me, so I have no intentions of making his life easier."

Robin frowned, but looked thoughtful rather than angry.

"So, what can you share about your past?" Cyborg asked.

"Just graduated from high school and I wanted to see something more than my hometown. Didn't get very far before running into Aquaman," Xander replied.

"Any hobbies?" Beast Boy asked.

"Never really had time," Xander admitted. "Even the whole swim team incident was because we were investigating what was killing the members of the swim team."

"Did you spend a lot of time investigating crimes?" Robin asked curiously.

"Mainly missing persons and homicides," Xander replied. "Sunnydale may be a small town, but it has big city aspirations. It's kinda like someone distilled Gotham and gave it a suburban make-over."

"That sounds... disturbing," Raven admitted.

"Yeah, and the police make the Gotham PD look honest," Xander added.

"Why hasn't the place imploded already?" Beast Boy demanded.

"Because hell is exothermic," Xander replied cheerfully.

Raven snickered, causing the Teen Titans to stare at her. She blushed and said, "What? It was funny!"

**Typing by: Ordieth**

**AN: I wondered why I couldn't find part 2! **


	36. BUM 6

**B.U.M. 6**

**Fragments Chapter 68 - Part 1**

**Fragments Chapter 70 - Part 2**

**More Fragments Chapter 08 - Part 3**

**More Fragments Chapter 45 - Part 4**

**Yet More Fragments Chapter 30 - Part 5**

Oz decided that the best way to tell everyone he was still alive was to simply walk in and tell them... while holding a large wooden cross and wearing a bullet proof vest. Just because a wooden stake or crossbow bolt wouldn't permanently kill him didn't mean it was something he wished to experience. Entering the library carrying a huge wooden cross half his size he simply said, "Hey."

Buffy and Faith reached for weapons but paused on seeing the cross and exchanged glances.

"Who are you?!" Giles demanded, grabbing a crossbow.

"Oz," he replied, setting the cross on the table while Willow stared at him in shock.

"Oz died," Giles snapped out, "try again!"

"Still Oz," he replied. "Fire isn't silver."

"B-but Xander killed you!" Willow moaned.

"Is that like some zen shit?" Faith asked, confused. "Fire isn't silver?"

"I can't believe we missed that," Giles said setting down his crossbow.

"Giles?" Buffy asked, her tone demanding answers.

"You can't burn a werewolf to death," Giles explained. "Well, not unless you completely cremate the body."

"So..." Buffy asked hopefully.

"Oz!" Willow threw herself at him, tears running from her face.

"It's me," he promised as he held her. "Though technically I am my own cousin now, as 'Oz' died too publicly to cover up."

"I'm just glad you're back," Buffy said as Willow cried in his arms.

"What's with you thinking Xander killed me?" Oz asked.

"The thing with Willow and then both your bodies were found in the basement," Buffy said uncomfortably.

"HIs head was pulped and body so badly burned no prints were left, but he did drop his wallet, plus they ID'd him as the wheel man where they bought the stuff to make the bomb you busted up. By the way, thanks for that. The fire we could deal with, thanks to some mojo, but if the bomb had exploded we'd have been toast," Faith explained, when it became apparent no one else was going to.

"That's not what happened," Oz disagreed.

"What?" Willow asked as she stopped crying.

"My Aunt had me doing a bunch of meditation to help deal with dying," Oz said slowly. "A side effect of all that, was getting a pretty clear memory of what happened while I was... changed."

"So Xander didn't become all necky and raise a bunch of zombies to do his will?" Buffy asked.

"Psycho Jack and his friends set up the bomb," Oz said, ignoring Buffy's confusing explanation. "They were all zombies, but Xander was there trying to stop him. The wolf... I, attacked and the barrels got knocked over. Xander got covered in oil somehow and then everything was fire and my next memory is waking up after the next night."

"Then why was he seen with the zombies while they bought all the bomb stuff?" Buffy asked.

"I don't know," Oz said with a shrug.

"He could have gotten cold feet only to find the zombies he'd raised had broken free of his control," Giles offered.

Faith shrugged. "Doesn't really matter at this point, he's gone and not coming back."

"I suppose you're right," Giles said with a smile. "Still at least we know he was trying to stop it regardless of whether he had a hand in creating it and no one else was permanently harmed."

"And he's in a better place now," Buffy said.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander dodged wildly as sparkling pink blasts shattered the ground around him. "Hurry up and free them already!"

"Working on it!" Cyborg yelled back as he and Mammoth pounded away at the mass of pink crystal that had trapped both their teams.

"Crack damn you!" Mammoth roared as his blows simply bounced off the crystal.

"Physical force ain't doing it," Cyborg said as he paused to take a breath.

"So we keep pounding until we find the right rhythm!" Mammoth roared angrily.

"Rhythm... that's it!" Cyborg yelled excitedly. His right arm morphed into a sonic cannon as his skin took on a black scaled patter like a reptile.

"What the hell?!" Mammoth asked, staring at Cyborg in shock.

Cyborg ignored the super powered teen as he adjusted the sonic cannon's frequency on the fly and fired it at the crystal.

Mammoth clapped his hands over his ears as the frequency hit a pitch that drove him to his knees.

Xander shot streamers of web into the air around his foe. "What is it with me and ancient mummies? Or me and ring wielders?"

The ancient Egyptian Queen, restored to full beauty and power by the pink ring she wore yelled something at Xander that caused him to blush and respond in the same language. With a scream of rage, she flew out of range of attack and started charging up her ring for a mammoth blast, before the sound of crystal shattering rang out across the battlefield.

"What did it do to me?" Gizmo demanded, the young bald superviallian now wearing a pink outfit better suited to a woman with a V-shaped split that went all the way down past his belly button exposing half his hairless chest.

"To you?" one of the many recently freed Billy Numerous' demanded in a high pitched voice as she fondled her own chest. "I'm female!"

"Damn, we look hot as a girl," one of the male Billys noted.

"I think I gained a cup size," Jinx noted as she tried to pull the front of her pink outfit (which they all dressed in regardless of gender) together to cover herself up more.

"Where the hell is my utility belt?!" Robin demanded as he tried to remove the wedgie the pink outfit gave him.

"This is quite nice," Starfire said as she stretched and twisted to make sure the outfit fit well.

"Ring challenge!" Xander called out, causing the building blast to dissipate and lowering the resurrected Queen to the ground while she howled and fought her ring every step of the way.

"Dude, pink does not go well with green," Beast... girl complained.

"Hah, you're a chick!" Gizmo laughed.

Beast girl smirked and shifted back to male. "Dude, that's like first day shapeshifting lessons."

"Aww," Gizmo groaned, disappointed.

The multiple Billy's vanished one by one until only two were left, one male, one female.

"Looks like we're stuck at two," Billy noted.

"At least we got a kick ass rack," Billie replied, unphased.

In the background, Xander and the Egyptian Queen could be seen standing each with a hand outstretched, a titanic battle of wills only visible in their glowing eyes, but while the Queen's glowed slightly brighter than Xander's, her body was rapidly aging.

"Um... guys," Jinx said nervously as she noticed Raven standing absolutely still, dressed in the ridiculous outfit, the blue jewel on her forehead a matching pink and her four red eyes glaring balefully at everyone.

"Ahhh!" Beastboy took cover behind Mammoth.

"This is bad," Robin said.

"Thanks Captain Obvious, I didn't think we could have figured that out for ourselves!" Gizmo snapped.

"WHERE IS MY CLOAK!" Raven roared.

The Egyptian Queen crumbled into dust as Xander caught her ring and combined it with his own before falling to his knees completely exhausted.

Cyborg quickly wove together a cloak out of webbing and flung it at his pissed off teammate who seemed to regain control as she donned it, her eyes no longer glowing and only two in number once more.

"No offense, but I really think everyone should change before we tangle again," Jinx said, tugging at the front of her costume.

"Tell us what this was all about and you have a deal," Robin replied.

"We were paid to do a resurrection ritual on..." Jinx turned and looked at the pile of dust and bones where the Queen had stood. "Anyway we were paid to wake the dead and we're done now and no we have no idea who was footing the bill and wouldn't tell you if we knew."

"Guess we're done here then," Robin said.

Xander made a bag out of webbing and started collecting some of the larger crystal fragments.

"What are you doing?" Cyborg asked.

"Alien crystal," Xander said. "I'm going to cut them into gems and sell them. I'll make a mint!"

"Frag it, why didn't I think of that?!" Gizmo yelled.

Xander made a bag out of webbing and tossed it to him.

"That was very nice of you," Starfire noted.

"I got all I need and there's plenty left over," Xander replied with a shrug.

"Let's get back to the tower, I feel exposed," Robin said as Hive collected all the remaining crystals.

"I wonder if I can get one of these in green," Beast Boy said posing in his new outfit.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	37. Working For The Weekend 4

**Working for the Weekend 4**

**Part 1: Chapter 55 Yet Still Even More Fragments!**

**Part 2: Chapter 58 Yet Still Even More Fragments!**

**Part 3: Chapter 34 Yet Again Still Even More Fragments!**

"So, how was it?" Willow asked Buffy as she took the seat next to her in class.

"What?" Buffy asked.

"How was-" Willow began.

"-Sex with Xander," interrupted a sandy-blonde girl named Sheila.

"Camping with Xander," Willow said quietly.

"Did he say..." Buffy trailed off, unsure what to say and wondering how she'd managed to misread him so badly if he was already bragging.

"You had three days alone with him in a tropical paradise," Sheila said. "That, plus the way you were walking..." she trailed off with a grin.

"The way I was walking?" Buffy asked.

Willow sighed. "You brought back tropical species, had a nice tan, and ... there was a certain swing to your hips," she hinted.

"Swing to my-" Buffy blushed bright red and looked around nervously. "Do you think anyone else noticed?"

"Everyone noticed," Sheila said cheerfully.

"There's kind of a Vegas thing going on," Willow said.

"Vegas thing?" Buffy asked.

"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," Sheila said. "I know me teasing you is almost the opposite of that, but I wanted to clue you in, because Willow is too shy to."

Buffy frowned. "So... Xander's going to pretend nothing happened?"

"Yes and no," Willow hedged.

"Yes and no?" Buffy repeated.

"He's not going to assume you want to be his girlfriend now," Sheila explained. "He's been burned by that before."

"Some girls have taken advantage of him," Willow said.

"Taken advantage of him?" Buffy asked, wondering when she'd become a parrot.

"Three days with no interruptions in a tense situation means you can lose your virginity and no one can fault you for it," Shelia explained. "But unlike most guys, he wants more than a quick roll in the hay, so the first couple of times he got his feelings hurt. Now, he won't assume you want anything more, unless you make the first move."

"Oh," Buffy said, relieved.

"The Vegas rule was made to make things easier on everyone involved. He's not likely to find a girl who'll brave peeing in the bushes for days at a time every week and it'll be unfair to expect him to remain celibate while over there," Shelia said.

"So what's the bottom line here?" asked Buffy, unsure of where this was going.

"If you want to be his girlfriend here in Sunnydale, you aren't allowed to get upset about what happens in the other place, and no one gets to hold it against you," Sheila finished.

"What if I like camping with him?" Buffy challenged.

"Then you would make him very happy," Shelia admitted. "Even Tanya doesn't like camping that much and she has every camping badge you can get."

The bell rang and everyone turned their attention to the front of the room.

**After class...**

"Is it just me or did she seem..." Buffy trailed off.

"Shelia's been watching Xander's last few trips," Willow replied. "Probably getting her courage up."

"So I wasn't imagining things," said Buffy. "Has he gone on a lot of trips with girls?" she asked, trying but failing to sound casual.

"Not on purpose," Willow said quickly. "Once or twice a month, some girl has grabbed him. He's kinda resigned to it now."

"That's... I'm not sure how I feel about that," Buffy admitted.

"So, how was your trip?" Willow asked, changing the subject.

"It was great!" Buffy enthused. "It was quite literally the best weekend of my life. It was like a cross between Club Med and a safari where you are the only guest!"

"It wasn't scary at all?" Willow asked.

"I've gone to scarier school dances," Buffy said honestly.

"I've always been too scared to go," Willow admitted.

"You wanted to go?" Buffy asked cautiously.

"Since I was nine," Willow said with a wistful sigh. She quickly pushed aside her melancholy mood. "But that's not important, what's important is: do you want to go again? Because Xander could really use someone who isn't afraid to go camping with him all the time."

"I'm not the camp-'em-and-leave-'em type," Buffy promised, "I fully intend to go camping every week."

"Good," Willow said with a bright smile that was almost completely unforced.

"Speaking of... where is Xander?" she asked.

"Debriefing with the conservationists," replied Willow. "He'll be here by lunch."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"The ground parrots are completely extinct, but there is a Dr. Hamond down in Costa Rica who is willing to claim he discovered them while on safari on Isla Nubar," said the Mayor, with a bright smile, to the young man. "The turtles will be a boost to the dwindling population, and as for the plants-"

"Tell me how to get a straight answer out of a botanist and I'll give you the key to the city," Xander finished the familiar joke.

"I heard the words hybrid, re-emergence, and divergent strain among their mad mutterings; so I think we can count that as a success as well," Mayor Wilkins assured Xander, making him laugh.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander entered the cafeteria and looked around, spotting Willow and seeing Buffy sitting next to her. His tentative smile was met by Buffy waving to him and patting the seat next to her. He waved back and went to grab a tray with a spring in his step that hadn't been there a minute ago.

"Did you see the way he perked up?" Willow asked.

"Yeah," agreed Buffy brightly, feeling much better about things now that she'd seen his response.

"Girls," Xander greeted them as he sat beside Buffy and set down his tray.

"Guy," the pair chorused and then burst out laughing at the expression on his face.

"Spontaneous or rehearsed?" he prompted curiously.

"Spontaneous," Willow replied.

Xander shook his head and grinned. "So, where's Jessie?"

"Off courting disaster," Willow replied before sipping her juice.

"I think she goes by Cordelia these days," Xander noted as he stabbed the mystery meat with a fork and it let out a little squeal. The three stared at his tray for a moment.

"Did you scrape your fork against the tray, or was that the meat making that sound?" asked Buffy.

"I'm not sure and I don't want to risk it," Xander decided. "I'll just grab something from the snack machine later." He got up and dumped his tray, followed by the two girls.

"I've got a free period next, you?" Buffy asked.

"Ditto," Xander agreed. "But I'll be using it to catch up on this morning's work in the school library," he quickly added when Willow gave him a look.

"I just so happen to be heading that way myself," Buffy said. "My mom said I can continue camping with you as long as we practice safe... camping, and I read some books on geology."

"Geology?" Willow asked curiously as they walked through the halls.

"Geology," Buffy repeated. "The crystals I picked up to make a sun-catcher to commemorate... my first camping trip, turned out to be diamonds. So my mom doesn't mind me going as it's already paid for me to go to college, but she insists I should at least know what I'm picking up."

"Hoping you'll pick up more diamonds?" Willow guessed.

"More offended that I didn't recognize them," Buffy admitted.

"I doubt we'll end up in another diamond-studded cave any time soon, but it'll give us another hobby while we're over there," Xander replied.

"You guys sound like you're going to have so much fun," Willow groaned. "I wish I could go."

"Library," Xander announced, pushing open the door and holding it for his friends.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Giles spoke quietly into the phone, "Yes, I completely understand. No, I'll stay at my post. Slayer or not, this must be dealt with. I've located an independent hunter who'll assist me."

Buffy shushed Willow as they entered the library. Xander stayed quiet as he knew of her advanced hearing and saw she was concentrating on something. It was nearly a minute later before she spoke, "The librarian is a Watcher."

"A what?" asked Willow.

"You sure?" Xander asked.

"He was just talking on the phone with the Council," Buffy explained.

"The Council?" Willow asked, completely confused.

"We'll explain later," Buffy promised. "For now... pretend my name is Susan, Susan..."

"Bond?" Willow suggested.

"He's British, that'd give me away," Buffy said nervously.

"Harris...son; Susan Harrison," Xander offered.

"Too similar," Willow disagreed. "Susan Hanigan."

"That works," said Buffy with relief.

"Can I help you?" Giles asked, making the three jump.

"Just catching up on schoolwork," Buffy said quickly.

Giles nodded. "If you need anything, I'll be in my office. Just ring the bell on the counter."

"Will do," Buffy said brightly as he left.

"OK, so what is this about?" Willow asked quietly.

"Not here," Buffy said nervously, "my place, after school." She spotted a familiar book on the bookcase behind the counter and quickly retrieved it, shoving it in her bag. "It's the handbook," she explained.

"You can't just steal books!" Willow hissed in shock.

"I'll return it later," Buffy swore. "I just need it to show you and my mom."

Xander put his hand on Willow's arm. "Seriously, it's okay. I'll make sure it gets returned, promise."

Willow instantly calmed down. "OK," she said quietly.

"Study now, explanations later," Xander said, setting his backpack on the table.

'She's got it bad,' Buffy thought to herself.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

The final bell rang and the three met up in front of the school as the student population buzzed about a body being found in a locker.

"Was the dead guy..." Xander trailed off.

"Yeah, but there was no blood in his mouth, so it's not a problem," Buffy assured him.

Willow blinked and stared at the two speakers in shock for a moment. "This better be a dilly of an explanation," she said.

"It is, and even with solid proof it's still insane," Buffy told her honestly.

"Like Xander?" she asked curiously.

"Very much like Xander," Buffy agreed.

Xander opened his mouth to say something when Jessie ran up and interrupted him, "Dude!"

"Dude?" Xander replied curiously.

"Dude," Jessie replied with a nod.

"Dude," Xander fired back with a grin, raising his hand up for a high five.

Jessie gave him a high five, said "Dude!" cheerfully, and split.

"Did I miss something?" Buffy asked.

"No, you really didn't," Willow said with a groan.

"We were speaking Dude," Xander replied with a grin.

"Speaking Dude?" Buffy asked with amusement as she led the two towards her home.

"A one-word, semi-telepathic language," Xander explained. "We have managed to narrow down the entire English language to just one word. Eventually we hope to eliminate the word altogether and become telepathic."

"I don't think it works that way," Buffy said amused.

"Dude," Xander said sadly, shaking his head.

Buffy quickly backpedaled, taking his hand. "I'm not saying it can't, just that I've never heard of it happening."

"Dude," Xander said in agreement, smiling and giving her hand a squeeze.

"So what did you two say?" Buffy asked.

"Ask Willow," Xander replied. "I'm betting she understood it, despite all her scoffing."

"Just because I understand you both doesn't mean it's working," Willow denied. "I simply know you both-and your habits and body language-well enough to pick up non-vocal cues."

"It is harder over the phone," Xander admitted.

"So what did they say?" Buffy asked.

"Typical male greeting, followed by plans to go to the bronze and... some stuff at the end," Willow admitted, blushing brightly.

"Stuff at the end?" Buffy asked, her curiosity piqued by Willow's blush.

"Not too sure of that bit myself," Xander admitted. "It was either, 'Going to go hit on Cordelia', or 'Going to take a long shower with extra hand soap'. The problem with telepathy is you always say more than you mean to say."

"It could mean both," Buffy suggested.

Xander and Willow looked at each other and burst out laughing.

I do believe you are right," Xander agreed, "and in that order, too."

"This is why I need girl friends," Willow said, shaking her head.

**Typing by: Ordieth**


	38. Take a Stand 1

**Take A Stand**

I awoke in almost complete darkness, on bare rock, feeling very light on my feet. I suppose the normal response would be to panic and flail around. I don't do that. All I can see is stone and sky and I feel a distinct lack of gravity pressing me down. This feels more like a dream than any dream I've had before. I guess it's a lucid dream. I've heard of them before, but I never knew they were this detailed. There's barely any light and I can't see that well without my glasses anyway, but the sky is enormous!

I feel the top of my head just to make sure my glasses aren't there. Nope, no glasses... and no clothes. Definitely a dream. The fact that all this seems familiar just clinches it. It's only after I notice the ring on my right hand that things fall into place. I'm dreaming that I'm in a Ring Fic. It's a specific type of self-insert story where a Random Omnipotent Bastard (or ROB) drops the main character on an asteroid in space, wearing only a power ring of some sort.

I feel the ring with my fingertips. It's too dim to see any colors as everything looks to be either grey or black, and it feels smooth so I can't begin to guess what color ring it's supposed to be. Considering how little I know about power rings, being able to feel what symbol was on it probably wouldn't have been much help anyway.

"Ring?" I ask, surprised by how loud my voice sounds. I jump... and probably peed a little as well. It feels a little like being in a bouncy castle as I land at least two feet away from where I started. Okay, pretty sure I'm awake now, because my heart is racing fast enough that I would have startled myself awake if I had been sleeping. "Ring?" I try again and get no answer. Either I have to give it a specific command to get a response or I have a non-AI ring.

"Ring, tell me the date," I order and get no response. "Fuck!"

That was a great disappointment. You have no idea the numbers of ways I would abuse having an alien super computer with its own AI.

"Okay, plan B," I say to the darkness and try to feel for the ring. It turns out to be surprisingly easy to do, as I now can't figure out how I didn't notice it before. The ring is humming with energy, but I don't feel any specific emotion or color. It feels... logical, precise... colorless.

I guess my ROB is one of those special snowflake types and has given me the equivalent of a Vulcan power ring, powered by logic.

I had been considering writing a mood-ring lantern fic, so I suppose making me use a logic ring would be the best way to prevent me using any of the ideas I'd had for using a ring powered by the emotional spectrum. It looks like I'll have to wing it, but on the plus side I don't have to worry about being emotionally unbalanced as a lot of SIs were from using colored rings. Well, let's see how well I do using my Vulcan ring. I focus on using a fist sized chunk of power and bend it to my will. "Let there be light!"

A miniature sun explodes into existence right in front of me and I scream in pain. It's probably only several minutes before I uncurl from the fetal position and look around blindly. I can't see shit! I'm not sure whether I've done permanent damage to my eyes or the small sun has winked out and I've only destroyed my night vision. I really hope it's the second one, because if I'm this bad at simple things like creating light, then any attempts I make to heal myself will be even worse.

OK, deep breath and try again. I concentrate on grabbing a palm full of energy and visualize a street lamp. "Let there be lamp," I intone and blink in the sudden but not overwhelming light. There are massive spots in my sight from my earlier attempt, but I can clearly see the old-fashioned London street lamp in front of me. I place a hand on it and it feels reassuringly solid. Come to think of it, it both looks and feels like an old-fashioned cast-iron street lamp, not an energy construct at all.

Maybe calling my ring a Ring of Vulcan was more accurate than I thought.

"Glasses," I order, grasping and using a Ping-pong Ball sized sphere of energy and visualizing my familiar pair of glasses. A weight settles onto my face and everything snaps into focus. I still have spots in front of my eyes and the circle of light from the street light isn't all that large, but I can see... I can see a lot of rock. I can also feel, and I feel like I'm on a very large asteroid; possibly a moon. I think I'm draining power from it, because it feels... like my ring-and speaking of rings... My ring is silver and shaped like a lantern ring, but it has no symbol; it's completely bare.

The smooth surface looks unfinished, and without pausing to consider whether it's a good idea or not I visualize a hammer and tongs crossed over an anvil and send a teaspoon of magic into it. Thankfully, the ring doesn't object or break or explode, or any of a thousand negative things, it simply alters its surface so I'm now looking at the symbols I'd chosen-done in ebony. It looks quite nice, if I do say so myself. While I take a moment to admire my ring, I'm reminded of the fact that I'm naked. I need clothes, possibly a uniform for whatever Lantern Corps I'm supposed to be, however... spandex would not be a good look for me, plus I am not fond of having a perma-wedgie.

I'm more Buddha or Bacchus than I am Atlas or Ares. Right-shoulder-bared Roman toga with leather armored skirt, I decide, and pump a watermelon-sized ball of energy into its creation, while concentrating on certain concepts. It should be protective, comfortable, and keep my genitals covered in shadow so no one can take up-skirt photos of me. Sure, I could wear shorts or something similar under it, but that defeats the purpose of wearing something that lets you get a nice breeze on your bits.

A white, cotton toga with metal-reinforced leather straps forms on me, and it feels every bit as comfortable as I'd hoped. It even came with a pair of Roman sandals with the complicated leather laces that come up to the knee and... little white wings at the ankles? There was also a glint of silver and black on my toga, a small button that matched my ring.

Properly dressed and feeling prepared for anything, I was deciding how to examine my connection to the large rock I was on when I heard a feminine whisper; something about... the dead? I turned and saw a pair of red eyes just before something hit me with the force of a freight train and everything went black!

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

I wake up lying on stone in the darkness... but I was dressed this time and... I have a vague memory of dodging the train after it hit me and falling into the static between TV channels, but instead of black and white it was like a rainbow cut into confetti. I'm guessing I died and R.O.B. decided to give me an extra life as I hadn't been entertaining enough to be allowed to die yet.

That's both comforting and disquieting. Still, at least I have another shot.

I decide not to make another lamp post and instead try to get a feel for what I can do and then split before the red-eyed monster finds me again. Okay, I can feel the energy of the ring trickling into an area around me. Aah, the standard environmental shield all ring users get, I'm guessing, and I can feel the ring refilling itself from... a place not here. Strange.

I thought I was in the same place as before, but the energy I'm getting is not from the planetoid I'm standing on, nor anywhere close-by. I feel for the ground beneath my feet and with an almost-mechanical click I feel a connection! I'm drawing power from this place... as well. Huh. I'm not sure what this means, but I figure I better get out of here before red-eyes feels what I'm doing and comes after me again.

I shoot off into the air at a thought, without even using my ring. As I look back at the planetoid shrinking slowly behind me, I see my ankle-wings are flapping like crazy... and the planetoid is not shrinking nearly as quickly as I'd like. Man, it is going to take forever to get anywhere!

It's another half-an-hour 'til I think maybe I should use my ring to speed things up, though I'm really not sure how to do that. I mean, making a simple light almost burned out my retinas. God knows what trying to use energy to fly is going to do.

Hm... I could make an object to propel me, and hopefully avoid exploding my legs. Except, I have no idea how to make something like that and the science is an order of magnitude beyond me. Then again, I hadn't really handled the science behind the lamp post, so maybe I am over-thinking it.

I nod to myself and think of the simplest design that would allow me to travel in space quickly and then come to a decision. I have no idea how much power this is going to take, so I add a few minor alterations to ensure that even if it takes all my power I won't be left sucking vacuum. I fix the details in my mind firmly then simply pour power into the design, willing it to work. I collapse breathlessly onto my creation a moment later, blackness creeping at the edges of my vision and my ring... almost completely drained. Hopefully I'm not in the Marvel Universe or Norrin Radd is going to sue my ass.

I climb to my feet. The silver board provides me a semblance of gravity and an envelope of air as my ring slowly draws on its connection to the two separate balls of rock to recharge. I head in-system towards the sun, as I have no idea where I am in the universe, but I'm hoping I'm in our solar system. The planetoid I'd been on vanishes behind me in less than a minute as I finally hit speeds fast enough to cross the system in a few hours rather than a few centuries.

I grin widely, enjoying the feel of the board beneath me as I ride the solar waves!

**Ten minutes later...**

I tap my chin in thought before placing the queen of hearts on the king of spades. Sure, crossing the solar system in hours seems like it's traveling at warp speeds, but it's still hours and I have the patience of a squirrel on Red Bull. Thankfully, my Ring of Vulcan can make small items with almost no power. I place the nine of diamonds on the ten of clubs and sigh. Next time I am bringing a book!

**Typing by: Ordieth117**


	39. Minions 1

**Minions**

"Tomorrow, same time, same place," Kakashi ordered before vanishing in a swirl of leaves.

"But... I wanted to train," Naruto complained to the empty air. He turned to his teammates with a hopeful look on his face.

"You'd just hold me back," Sasuke said bluntly before leaving.

"Wait up!" Sakura shouted, chasing after Sasuke and leaving Naruto standing on the bridge alone.

"Worst team ever," Naruto muttered with a frown before his normal sunny disposition reasserted itself. "Maybe they got something in the library I could train with."

He quickly rushed off to the Shinobi library. Sure he'd never managed to get in the front door to it before, but he was a shinobi now and not just an academy student, so they had to let him in. Right? Right!

Despite his earlier thoughts, he still paused on spotting the library and the two guards who kept civilians out. He wasn't sure what the rotation of the guards was, but he was almost certain they were the same two chunin who had been on guard a couple of months ago when he'd attempted to enter amidst the chaos and confusion of a full dozen smoke and stink bombs.

He forced himself to continue on almost timidly reaching for the handle of the huge double doors that lead into the large stone building. One of the guards twitched causing Naruto to freeze, his hand still an inch from the handle. He took a deep breath and started forward once more only to freeze as they turned to stare at him from either side of the doors.

It took Naruto nearly ten nerve racking minutes to open the doors and slip inside as the two loomed over him like vultures over a fresh kill only moving when he moved. Once he'd gotten inside he could hear the pair laughing as the door closed and he realized he'd been had.

He was indignant for all of three seconds before being forced to admit it was a pretty good prank and he'd probably deserved it.

Turning his attention to the interior of the library he stared at it in wonder. There was no second floor the bookcases and shelves simply towered over the hollow interior of the place with various nin either standing sideways on the wall or perched on the edges of shelves.

Frankly, the young genin was finding it a little intimidating. He wasn't sure where to start looking for what he wanted... which he wasn't sure of either.

"Can I help you?" a young woman asked softly.

Naruto squeaked in surprise and then cleared his throat. "I need-" he began loudly before freezing as a pair of ice blue eyes glared at him over a pair of half spectacles.

"Keep your voice down, people are trying to learn," she ordered him, quietly.

"Yes, Ma'am," he whispered nervously.

"Now, quietly... how can I help you?" she asked.

"I need a card and... erm to know what I'm supposed to do in a library," he whispered awkwardly.

"First time here?" she asked as she lead him towards the front desk.

"Yeah," he agreed.

She walked behind the counter, and pulled out an enormous ledger from beneath the counter.

"ID Card?" she asked.

Naruto quickly pulled out his ID and handed it to her.

Flipping open the ledger she checked and found the entry for Uzumaki and a scribble that looked to be an N, as he was the only Uzumaki in the village she simply verified it was him, noting a package was waiting for him. Normally she'd have questioned why a high security package was waiting for a clueless young genin, but deception was a shinobi stock in trade.

She passed back his ID and put the ledger away. "Follow me," she told him.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Naruto kicked the door closed behind him and dropped everything on the coffee table. He had a couple of scrolls on techniques that the nin in the library used for reaching the top shelves and keeping quiet, and he had a package that was left for him, probably by Jiji since it could only be unlocked by his blood and how cool was that!

Naruto grinned and unwrapped his present, a finely engraved wooden box made out of a reddish orange wood with his signature spiral on it. Naruto grinned and bit his thumb hard enough to draw blood. Pushing his bloody thumb against the spiral there was a click and the top of the box split in half revealing a lot of paper and two old looking books.

He frowned. It wasn't ramen, but maybe it was some cool techniques?

The note on top read "This should be everything but it really needs an Uzumaki's touch to finish it so I'd suggest giving it a thorough run through using Shadow Clones to make sure I didn't make any mistakes and to add your own personal touch to the finished product. -J"

Naruto turned the page and recognized what it was immediately, it was instructions on how to make an explosive tag! A quick page through showed it had page after page of even more complex seals with complete instructions on how to make them and occasional comments in the margin asking him to check parts of the seal over and to make improvements.

Naruto felt a tear come to his eye as he realized what he was holding. The old man was writing a book on sealing and wanted Naruto's help to finish it!

He remembered the old man telling him that Uzumaki's were naturals at seal work and that when he was older he'd see about getting him some training in it.

He hadn't been much interested at the time as he'd been told it would have to wait until he was older and more responsible, as it was incredibly dangerous, but now...

Naruto smiled, glad he had Shadow Clones to handle the dangerous bits, it was probably the second most useful thing about knowing the shadow clone jutsu.

Picking up the scrolls he created half a dozen clones, before putting the original pages and scrolls away in the box and resealing it the way the librarian had instructed. He put the box away while the clones stuffed scrolls in their pockets and their copies of the book in their pockets. There was no need to risk the original when you could make copies after all.

"Move out!" Naruto ordered as he lead the group of clones towards the training grounds.

"Why so many copies, Boss?" a clone asked, not recalling Naruto having decided to make this many.

"Too much chakra," Naruto admitted.

"Better too many than too few," another clone said cheerfully.

"Yeah, but we're attracting attention in a group like this," Naruto noticed.

"Henge," several clones called out, changing into a dark haired version of Naruto with no whiskers wearing a brown jumpsuit.

"Better," Naruto offered as the other clones went for a sandy blonde Naruko look in red jumpsuits to add some variety.

The group still attracted some attention but not nearly as much as they flitted through the streets racing each other to training ground 44. It was an old training ground, overgrown and neglected, but it also was always empty and no one interrupted him there.

The group of Naruto's swarmed over the twenty foot tall razor wire topped fence with multiple warning signs as if it was the monkey bars at the playground.

"OK, what's first?" several clones chorused excitedly as they followed a game trail deep into the forest.

"Someone pass me a copy of the book," Naruto ordered as they entered a clearing next to a river.

Naruto chose this clearing to train at because it wasn't too far from the fence but the massive trees blocked all sight and sounds of the village like he was in the middle of a forest, miles away from everyone.

A female clone passed her copy of the book to Naruto while the others looked through their own. Having nothing better to do she pulled out the scrolls and read them, surprised to find they were both useful and easy to understand.

"The first sections look simple enough," a clone offered as he skimmed through the book.

"Still going to need a dictionary," another clone said. "I'm seeing a lot of words I don't recognize."

"Think those two old books were dictionaries?" Naruto guessed. "Cause I know some words are only in certain dictionaries because most people don't use them."

"Field specific language," a clone offered as he recalled the old man's explanation for Naruto needing two separate dictionaries as nin terms were not found in civilian books.

"We're just pokin' around right now to see what we got," Naruto said. "Next time we'll know what to bring."

"We're you, we can't exactly lie to our-self," a clone said. "Good excuse aside, we were stupid and jumped the kunai."

"I'm saving face," Naruto admitted. "If I get good enough at coming up with excuses on the fly, it'll help us later on."

"You just made that up," a clone said.

"Yep," Naruto agreed. "And it sounded good, didn't it."

There was a chorus of agreements that were interrupted by the sound of a small explosion and a female clone rocketing off a tree and popping on the ground.

"We used way too much chakra..." Naruto said, his voice trailing off as he wondered how he knew that.

"Think of a number between one and a hundred," a clone ordered another clone. "Got it?" he asked, pulling out a kunai and stabbing the clone when he nodded.

"Hey!" Everyone else complained before freezing as they realized they knew what number the clone had been thinking of.

"Order number five chicken ramen with green tea," Naruto said.

"We can train in your place," a clone said with a grin as they slowly realized what they could do.

"Not all the muscle stuff, just the mental," a female clone pointed out.

"Some of the physical stuff, just not reflexes and physical conditioning," a clone disagreed.

"I work on dodging and taijutsu while you guys train in everything else," Naruto agreed before making another dozen clones. "Switch clothes with me," he ordered one of the new clones.

"Why- because it keeps our real clothes from getting dirty or damaged," the female clone said as she followed his logic.

"Too bad we can't just clone clothes and weapons at will," the naked clone said as he passed his clothes to Naruto, "then we'd never run out."

"Maybe they got a seal for that," a clone offered, "Or we could make one once we learn enough."

"Could be a jutsu for it too," another clone said thoughtfully.

"We got enough on our plate," one of the female clones said. "Boss, run laps, new clones throw rocks at him, us old clones, one each on the scrolls and... I need some clones to help with the book. We can see what we can figure out for the next time."

"You're not the boss, you can't order us around!" a clone snapped out.

The clone henged into a copy of Sakura. "Do you wanna try me?!" she threatened waving a fist in the clone's face.

"Ahhh!" the clone exclaimed scrambling backwards as all the rest of the clones flinched back.

Naruto made a dozen clones to assist her, frowning as he thought about his instinctive reaction to Sakura threatening him and how it looked from the outside. It was not a pleasant sight.

"Let's go," Naruto called out as he began his run, letting the Sakura henged clone run the rest.

The three dark suited clones walked over to the trees to discuss the scrolls while Sakura-clone ordered the dozen to the center of the clearing.

"Can you henge into someone else?" one of the clones requested of her, "It's a bit distracting."

The female clone, noting the shift in balance from this henge she had been checking herself, stopped to reply, "Yeah." She shifted into the standard Naruko form and bounced on her heels for a moment before looking in her shirt and nodding, satisfied. "OK, let's get to it!"

**Typing by : Abyssal Angel**


	40. Callback 1

**Callback**

Ron awoke with a start and hit the off button on his alarm. As he got ready to start his day, he was struck by how strange it was that he didn't find it strange, it being, being Ron Stoppable getting ready for the day. He'd been someone else until an angry wish had taken away his life, his home, his very identity... leaving him as Ron Stoppable, the bumbling sidekick. He could almost taste the irony, making him wonder if his ex had been involved. He decided it didn't really matter, as he stepped into the shower, since it wouldn't change anything. He was Ron Stoppable and he was just going to have to accept it.

Still, he had to wonder why he'd recovered his memories now. What had change... oh yeah, he'd finally listened to his sensei and did the meditation exercises he'd assigned. And to think he'd only done them because he'd forgotten his locker combo and they were supposed to help aide memory.

He paused when he was about to get dressed, seeing his wardrobe and shaking his head. Baggy clothes were only good for giving other people handholds and slipping out of, which explained a lot about how things seemed to always go wrong for him. Digging through his closet, he found a pair of faded jeans that fit properly and a long sleeved shirt that wasn't big enough to fit two of him in. He felt a bit naked without weapons, but this place was completely different from his last life. Ron grinned as he laced up his shoes. Comparing his memory of both his lives, technically he was more evil than most of the villains they'd faced. Snatching up his backpack, he hopped out his bedroom window and shimmied down the convenient tree right next to it.

He didn't bother knocking as he entered the Possible residence, as he was practically family and he heard James arguing with Anne the moment he stepped in the door.

"A little extra bacon isn't going to kill me," James said. "I'm in the prime of my life. Tell her, Ron," he ordered as he spotted the blonde teen.

"A little bacon won't kill you," Ron agreed, "nor the extra helping of scrambled eggs or habitual three cups of coffee you normally drink with breakfast, though it does start you down the road to heart disease, America's number one killer, and that would leave Mrs DR Possible a widow. A young, rich, intelligent, beautiful widow..." Ron made a show of thinking before looking over at Anne. "A little more bacon won't kill you," He told James with a bright smile, "In fact, why not.. take three strips?"

James shot a suspicious look at Ron. "Erm... no thanks, suddenly I'm in the mood for oatmeal." he got up and walked into the kitchen to search for oatmeal.

Anne burst out laughing while Kim tried not to snort milk out her nose.

"Great joke, Ron," Kim said after wiping her mouth with a napkin.

"Joke?" Ron gave Anne a semi-lecherous look. "Yeah, joke."

Kim hit him in the shoulder. "Don't perv on my mom."

"Moi?" Ron tried to look innocent as he stepped over to the house phone and dialed a number from memory. "Hello, Pizza Shack? Yeah, it's Ron. I'm putting in my lunch order now. I need my usual Friday night order delivered to the quad during lunch. I'll meet you guys there and give an identical order to Mr. Possible with a card reading," he glanced at the calendar on the wall, "Happy Chinese Thanksgiving, eat up, Love, Ron. Got it? Thanks!"

Kim stared at him in shock while the twins laughed and Anne grinned.

"I'm not one for pranks," Ron said innocently.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I can't believe you flirted with my Mom and pranked my Dad," Kim said once they were both outside. "Plus you are up on time and awake! What's gotten into you today?"

Ron handed her his spare helmet as she climbed on the back of his scooter. "I got plenty of sleep and had pleasant dreams, that's all."

"Then we should make sure you go to bed early every night," Kim said as he kicked the scooter into gear, "but no flirting with my Mom."

"Aww, why not?" he pouted.

"Because she thinks of you as a son," Kim reminded him.

Ron smiled broadly, "I'll only do it to motivate your Dad, than."

"That's fine," Kim said cheerfully, "you don't blow up enough stuff for him to consider you a son."

Ron laughed, knowing she probably wasn't joking, but finding it funny all the same.

They arrived to school early enough that the parking lot was still mostly empty as the students slowly trickled in.

"Early enough that even Barkin can't complain," Ron said cheerfully.

"Not as long as you've got your homework done anyway," Kim said.

Ron sighed. "Early enough for me to do my homework before class starts... hopefully."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Barkin eyed the stack of papers like they were a live grenade. "What's this?"

"My homework," Ron replied.

Barkin carefully picked them up and paged through them. "This is good," he said, surprised. "Looks a bit rushed, but it's complete."

"Thank you, sir," Ron replied before taking his seat.

After class, Kim turned to Ron. "I have never seen him acting so mellow. Your bedtime is now eight o'clock."

Ron laughed. "He just wanted me to straighten up and fly right, who knew?"

"Everyone," Monique butted in with the entire class nodding along.

Ron blushed and buried his head in his hands for a minute. "Well from now on, I'll go to bed earlier and make sure to do my homework in advance," he promised.

Kim opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, her Kimmunicator went off.

***beep**beep**beep***

"Barring missions of course," he added.

"I'm here, Wade. What's the sitch?" Kim said as she answered the Kimunicator.

"Dr. Draken and Shego again," Wade replied before catching sight of Ron. "Laundry day?" he guessed.

"No, just tired of getting stripped naked all the time because loose clothes catches on everything," Ron replied, for the tenth time that day. "I really should just have cards printed up with that on them to save time."

Wade laughed. "I'll take care of it. A global justice jump jet will meet you out front in five."

"On it," Kim said, signing off.

As they got in the jet and strapped on parachutes, Ron had to ask, "Why do we have to parachute out when it's a jump jet? Couldn't you just drop us off and then take off?"

"Not if we want to take them by surprise," Kim said as they rose straight up and the wings rotated to send them hurtling forward.

"Actually, it's stealthed so I could drop you off, I just figured you'd enjoy parachuting in. I mean, who doesn't like sky diving?" the pilot asked.

"Me, I don't like sky diving," Ron snapped.

"Oh," the pilot said quietly.

Ron winced. "I mean, I always get caught in trees and it's embarassing. The free fall bit is fun," he lied.

"I thought the GI class on parachuting covered how to avoid that," the pilot said.

"It does," Kim agreed.

"Class?" Ron asked. "I didn't get a class, I just got tossed out of a plane with a parachute strapped on me."

"Holy- kid, there is a whole selection of GI courses you are supposed to take before you go on missions," the pilot said in shock.

"I thought you were just taking different courses than me," Kim admitted. "I was told you were in remedial... that was when Global Justice was infiltrated by henchs- Sorry, Ron," she apologized.

"Not your fault, just something to fix," Ron replied.

"Approaching target," the pilot announced. "I'll have to buzz it to find a good place to land, so give me a minute."

"Just launch us," Ron said. "Climbing down from one more tree won't hurt and we're already ready."

"OK," the pilot agreed. "But once more... sorry."

"it's cool," Ron promised just before they ejected. If he'd hoped that remembering his last life would help with parachuting, he was sorely mistaken as if anything, he hated it even more now and had to force himself to wait until the altimeter went off to pull the cord.

Naturally, he ended up in a tree once more, though thankfully he found it easy enough to unsnap himself, untangle the chute, and climb down the tree, managing to get it all done in just under two minutes.

"That's something they don't teach a class in," Kim said, trying to encourage him.

"I managed to get it done without losing my pants this time," Ron replied, "I consider it a victory."

Kim laughed. "Help me find the entrance, there should be a ventilation shaft hidden around here somewhere."

"Just look for a plastic bush or an out of place rock," Ron agreed before the ground beneath his feet crumbled and he vanished.

Kim ran to the hole. "Ron!?"

"I'm alright K.P." he called up. "I seem to have lost my shirt, though I have found what we were looking for."

"Right," Kim said with a laugh. "Stand back, I'm coming in."

"See if you can find my shirt on your way down," he called up, stepping back from beneath the hole.

Kim landed in a crouch with barely a sound and stood back up. "Ventilation room?"

Ron nodded. "Yeah, and we could use the access hatch behind me to enter the base, but..."

"Then we would probably be seen on camera, so we should crawl through the system as usual," Kim said.

"Yeah, see my shirt anywhere?" Ron asked.

Kim glanced around, but even through the dim light from the hole above them provided little illumination, it was obvious that Ron's shirt wasn't there. "I think it evaporated," she admitted with a shrug.

"Or got sucked down one of the vents," he agreed, looking in the vents.

"Pick a vent," Kim said, "We'll just get you a new shirt later."

***clang***

Kim kicked out the grill from the grill and leapt from the vents to land in the midst of Dr. Draken's lair. "Stop right there Draken!"

Ron tried to follow her, but his belt got caught and ripped his pants off as he exited the duct work, dropping him face first on the ground in just his underwear.

Shego had already leapt to attack Kim so Draken waved for his henchmen to attack Ron but they hesitated to obey.

"What's the matter?!" he demanded. "It's just the buffoon."

"He's almost naked," One of the henches pointed out. "Our contracts don't cover that."

Draken rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll send in the clones."

"Thanks boss," they chorused, returning to their stations.

Draken hit a button on the console in front of him, causing a door to open and a half dozen of Kim clones to enter the room.

"It's a bit overkill to use this many clones on a sidekick, but I have them available, so I might as well use them to ensure the success of my weather dominator!" Draken called out in glee.

"Weather dominator?" Ron asked doubtfully. "You've been watching old Saturday morning cartoons, haven't you?"

"No, it's completely original," Draken said, eyes darting about.

"That is totally stolen from G.I. Joe," Ron argued.

"I don't have to take this!" Draken growled out. "Clones, get him!"

Ron ducked beneath a high kick into another clone's low kick that sent him rolling backwards across the room. He dodged backwards as he regained his feet, eyes darting about for anything that could give him an advantage.

He paid for his distraction as a jumping front kick knocked the wind out of him and slammed him into a row of barrels. He leapt atop the barrels, pulling the plug on one and kicking it over, sending a wave of oil across the floor, causing the clones to trip and fall.

"Hah!" Ron said proudly as he stood triumphant over the pile of oiled up clones as they tried and failed to regain their feet. He grinned, enjoying the sight before a light push on his upper back sent him down into the mess.

Draken raised an eyebrow, but the hench shrugged and set the broom he'd pushed him with back against the wall. "We gotta clean up the messes he makes."

Draken nodded and returned to his console, hitting buttons as he hurried, a large device that looked like a telescope crossed with a weather vane slowly lit up in the center of the lab.

"You're getting predictable, Princess," Shego said as she ducked beneath a knife kick and swept Kim's leg right out from under her.

Kim rolled with her fall, throwing herself backwards to avoid a plasma blast. "Please don't throw me into the briar patch!" Kim replied as she kipped to her feet.

"What?" Shego asked, confused.

Kim chuckled and pointed a thumb behind her to the hole that was burned into the base of the Weather Dominator.

Alarms went off and sirens blared. "Catastrophic containment failure in thirty seconds," a voice calmly announced.

"Every man for himself!" Draken screamed and fled, quickly followed by his henchmen.

"Next time," Shego growled out at Kim before fleeing.

"Kim one, Shego zero," Kim said with a grin before turning to look for Ron.

"Run, save yourself!" Ron yelled, waving a hand from the center of the pile.

Kim used her belt like a whip to snag his hand and yank him out, a task made easier by the oil covering his naked body. "Stop playing around, we gotta go now!"

"Twenty seconds to complete destruction," the voice reminded them cheerfully.

Ron leapt to his feet and fell on his ass, before climbing to his feet once more and running for the exit. He fell several more times before the exited the base, just before it imploded, shaking the ground.

"Do I want to know why you're naked?" Kim asked.

"Probably not," Ron replied.

"What's in your left hand?" Kim asked, looking anywhere but at her naked friend's lower body.

"Don't know, it was slipped to me as you pulled me free," Ron replied, opening his hand and finding a slip of paper covered in oil, but still legible. "Score! I got digits!"

Kim looked at the paper. "That's my phone number," she pointed out.

"Oh yeah, they were Kim clones," he said with a sigh. "Still the butt monkey," he muttered.

"What?" Kim asked, not hearing what he'd said and confused as to why her clone would slip him, her number.

"I said, it's a bit chilly, let's find the parachutes so I won't be completely naked," Ron lied.

"Sure," Kim agreed, relieved to have something else to think about.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	41. A long walk 6

**A Long Walk 6**

**Part 1 : Chapter 01 YASEMF  
Part 2 : Chapter 09 YASEMF  
Part 3 : Chapter 10 YASEMF  
****Part 4 : Chapter 13 YASEMF  
Part 5 : Chapter 31 YASEMF**

"How are we supposed to find our way out with no maps?" Cordelia asked.

"The Force?" Buffy said hopefully.

"This place has no life, it's all metal and chrome," Willow replied.

"The Force binds all living things together but this isn't a living thing," Angel said. As everyone turned to look at him, he shrugged. "Nick was an avid movie-goer."

"The Sticky Side has a slight pull," Dawn said, waving a hand vaguely upwards and to the side, "but that pull is simply the best direction to head for sex purposes. I can't sense a way out so much as where we'll all have the best sex."

"That..." Buffy fell silent for a moment, then shrugged. "It's as good a direction as any and I'm pretty sure being happy and successful would make us all more likely to have sex."

Xander tapped a button on the wall and a section slid open revealing a metal hallway the size of a four lane freeway that vanished into the distance, a multitude of exits and glowing signs dotting the sides. "Shall we?"

"My breasts are too big for this," Cordelia groaned.

"What does that mean?" Willow asked before anyone else could, unable to figure out what the brunette cheerleader was thinking.

"Name one marathon participant with a decent rack," Cordelia replied as if it was obvious.

"I think you're confusing cause and effect here," Willow replied, as she figured out what the brunette was thinking. "It's not that doing marathons makes you slender, it's that people who are slender are more suited to doing marathons, so they do better, discouraging those with other body types."

"Olympic athletes have confirmed losing a cup size," Cordelia countered.

"I doubt cat-girls have that problem and if worse comes to worst, I have several Force techniques that will increase your breast size," Dawn promised.

"Really?" Buffy blurted out in surprise.

"I may not be a dedicated healer like Willow, but body sculpting to improve attractiveness is something every Sticky Side used knows," Dawn assured her.

"Actually... as a healer, I do know several techniques that could be used that way," Willow said in surprise. "They were created to heal major wounds or encourage proper physical development, but ... I could use them to increase bust size."

"With options like that, you'd think there'd be more Force users," Cordelia said as Xander and Angel started herding everyone into the hall as they talked.

"Make love not war was the Sticky Side motto," Dawn offered. "Sadly, sex doesn't stop blaster fire."

"The Dark Side is full of homicidal poopy heads," Willow offered. "Plus the Light Side didn't really help encourage people with Force abilities to have families."

"If there was a balanced and happy medium side of the Force, it wouldn't have been called 'Star Wars,'" Xander pointed out.

The group walked in silence for a while, before Buffy said, "Ok, I'll admit this is kinda awe inspiring and everything, but it's getting boring fast." She tilted her head to look up at a holographic sign that was either showing the proper place to dispose of trash or suggesting something obscene with a small droid.

"Yep," Xander agreed, "you can't even play a decent game of 'I Spy' because it all looks mainly the same and half of us don't know the language all the signs are in."

Another five minutes passed by in silence, save for the sound of footsteps.

"You could plant a forest in here," Cordelia said, gesturing at the massive amounts of empty space and softly glowing signs in Galactic Basic.

"Multiple ones," Willow agreed, happy to break the silence. "The outermost surface's area is the size of a continent and each level below that is only a little smaller, but not by much."

"And we are the only living people here," Dawn said.

"I claim this land in the name of Me," Buffy said suddenly, "All hail, Buffonia!"

"All opposed say Nay!" Dawn announced.

"Nay!" chorused everyone except Angel and Buffy.

"You guys suck." Buffy pouted, making them laugh, as Angel put his arm around her.

"Naming it something other than the Death Star is still a good idea," Angel pointed out.

"Not exactly a cheerful name," Willow agreed. "Plus it's never been mistaken for a star, just a moon."

"Do we name it like a ship or a moon?" Cordelia asked.

"Ship," Xander replied, "it moves about."

"Works for me," Dawn agreed. "What's a good name for a ship that can destroy worlds?"

"Hotaru," Angel suggested.

"What language is that? Buffy asked curiously.

"It's Japanese for firefly," Xander answered, "and a fitting name for a ship that could be called a light bringer, if you are making a pun about super lasers anyway."

"You speak Japanese?" Cordelia asked curiously.

"I speak anime," Xander replied mock solemnly.

"Japanese cartoons," Dawn explained with a grin.

"I like it," Buffy decided, as she smiled at Angel.

"It's pretty and descriptive," Willow added, "I also vote Aye."

"Ditto," Xander said.

"Looks like the Ayes have it," Willow said.

"Don't we need to move up rather than... forwards to get out of here?" Buffy asked after another couple of minutes of silence.

"We are heading upwards," Dawn replied. "My Force sense says this way is a path to 'up' over there somewhere, so at least a little up is included."

"Is a bathroom also included?" Cordelia asked.

"You should have said something earlier," Willow spoke up, "we've passed a number of bathrooms."

"Really? I didn't see anything," Buffy said, looking around at the incomprehensible signs on the walls and failing to see any familiar little stick people that were used to designate bathrooms the world over.

"There's one right there," Dawn said, pointing towards the wall.

"I don't see anything," Angel said as they approached where she was pointing.

Xander touched a section of the wall, causing it to swing open, revealing a futuristic but still recognizable bathroom done in the traditional Empire shades of black and silver.

"I better help you," Willow said, "there are some bits that just aren't intuitive at all, like the three sea shells."

The door closed behind the two with a little woosh noise as it settled back in place.

"I call dibs next," Buffy said, "I could use a chance to freshen up myself."

"I'll go the same time as you, that way I can explain how everything works," Dawn chimed in.

Angel glanced at Xander awkwardly.

"We'll go last," Xander told him, "even if you don't need to use it now, you'll need to know later."

"Too bad there isn't a shower in there," Buffy said, "'Cause I don't know about you, but I could really use one."

"They have a sonic shower," Dawn offered.

"Sonic? Like in sound?" Buffy asked, her brow wrinkling in thought.

"Water showers are a luxury," Xander explained, "we won't see any of them outside officer quarters and some of the higher ranked guest quarters."

"So the sinks are all sonic?" Buffy asked, a bit weirded out by the concept.

"No, the sinks are still the same, mostly for psychological reasons," Dawn replied.

"Once we find guest quarters, we'll see if they have the 'Troopers' Guide series' available to show you how everything works," Xander told her.

"Troopers' guide?" Angel asked, sensing Xander's amusement.

"Before the Empire got into cloning, they recruited from the general population, "Dawn explained, "naturally that meant they had to plan training around people who weren't all that bright."

"The lowest common denominator can drop pretty low when you have an entire galaxy to deal with," Xander added.

"The Trooper educational series showed the do's and don'ts of working with Empire technology," Dawn said.

"While adjusting to life in the Empire, a number of troopers managed to severely injure themselves without trying," Xander said with a grin.

"So it's the Empire's funniest home videos?" Buffy asked.

"A little closer to Jackass, but yes," Dawn agreed. "Thanks to having droids and security cameras everywhere, there was no end to the number of accidents caught on film and sent in."

"So it's entertaining and educational," Buffy said.

"Vastly," Xander agreed. "It's also one of the few signs that anyone in the Empire actually had a sense of humor."

The door of the bathroom slid open with a hiss, revealing a much more contented cat-girl.

"That will never replace an actual shower, but it wasn't bad," Cordelia told Willow.

"It saves a lot of time, but I have to admit it just doesn't compare to a good old fashioned Earth shower," Willow agreed.

"You took a shower that fast?" Buffy asked doubtfully.

"Using the scented skin moisturizer took more time," Cordelia said. "Thankfully I got the hang of turning the fur on and off or it would have taken longer."

"Our turn!" Buffy said as Dawn touched the wall and the door opened up again revealing a spotless bathroom.

"Self cleaning," Dawn explained before disappearing inside with her sister.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I..." Andrews voice trailed off. He'd gained a few inches in height and quite a bit of muscle tone, but his self-esteem was still as weak as ever.

"You knew or at least suspected," Warren noted calmly, as she sat in midair her cloak concealing the changes in her.

"Hoped," Jonathan added as he tugged at his shirt, his physical growth having all but reduced what he'd been wearing to rags and made even the clothes he'd scavenged from the boxes in his basement a bit on the small side.

"You assumed I wanted to be a girl and was repressing it from the way I spoke about women," Warren realized.

"Privacy," Jonathan reminded her, knowing of Raven's ethics from the comics he had read.

"Sorry, even with her memories, I don't have her instinctive control," Warren apologized.

"Oh," Jonathan said. "Just keep any secrets of mine you discover to yourself then," he replied.

"I will, thanks," Warren promised.

"So, now what?" Andrew asked.

"Now we go find Willow and find out why she... gave us this opportunity," Warren said.

"Not upset at being female?" Andrew asked with forced casualness.

"Not ... really," Warren admitted. "Being a guy was nice, but being... balanced is worth the sacrifice," she said softly.

"Is it really a sacrifice?" Andrew asked, looking into her eyes.

Warren blushed and turned away from Andrew. "Not as much as you might think," she admitted.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I really should combine you both back into one person," Jenny said with a groan, as she looked over the two versions of Rupert, both seemed a lot closer to Constantine than the bashful librarian she'd gotten to know.

"If we wanted to do that, we'd have done it ourselves," Ripper said.

"There is still things we have to get done," Rupert argreed, as he pulled a half smoked cigarette from behind his ear. "Business first."

"Then pleasure," Ripper agreed, moving his eyes up and down her body.

"OWT EMOCEB ENO!" she quickly intoned, causing the two men to merge together.

"Hey!" Rupert complained, as he rubbed his temples before he took a drag off his cigarette to center himself.

"Yes?" she asked arching a brow and leaning back against a bookcase, showing off her Zatanna outfit to best effect to distract him.

He sighed and took another drag off his cigarette. "A little more warning next time, Luv."

"Next time?" she asked.

"It's too useful not to use," he explained. "I can twice as much done when I separate like that."

"If you polarize yourself, you'll eventually be your own worst enemy," she said seriously. "Light vs Dark, Good vs Evil… it's a tale as old as time."

"True enough, but a more balanced split avoids all that," he pointed out.

"You may not have split yourself in two and turned half of you into a demon like John did," Jenny admitted, "but... actually I have no idea what you did."

"He's still me, just a part of me that doesn't see the light of day all that often," Giles explained, "a lot of my baser nature, but in no way evil, just rude."

"Ahh,... sorry about that, then," she apologized.

He waved it off. "No worries, half of what he was talking about was just hunting down an old friend."

"And the other half?" she asked.

"We can discuss it over dinner," he suggested.

"I'd like that," she agreed as he offered his arm and the two departed.

A few minutes later a young man entered the library and looked around. "No Willow, he noted as he stole a cigarette from the pack left on the table and lit up. "I should probably avoid red heads anyway," he said to the empty library with a sigh.

**Typed by : Sitheus Maximus / Ipsith**


	42. Quantum Leapfrog

**Quantum Leap Frog**

"How did you-" Dumbledore began when Harry started to glow. Harry's eyes flared a solid white for a moment as a blue aura outlined his form.

Harry blinked and looked around.

"What was that?" Dumbledore asked.

"What was what?" Harry asked, as he took note of the students from the other two schools and smiled.

"You glowed blue and your eyes lit up like someone cast a lumos on them," answered Hermione.

"Aaah, that," Harry said. "Didn't realize you'd be able to see that. Do the words 'Quantum Leap' mean anything to you?"

"I'm afraid not," Dumbledore admitted.

"Then my explanation wouldn't make sense," Harry replied with a shrug.

"We can discuss it later," Dumbledore decided. "Harry, did you put your name in the goblet?"

"No. That was Barty Crouch, Junior," replied Harry. "He's impersonating Mad-Eye Moody using polyjuice that he keeps in the flask he's always drinking from. The real Mad-Eye is tied-up and drugged inside his own trunk in the D.A.D.A. professor's quarters."

"Harry, this is hardly the time for jokes," Dumbledore said, looking at Harry over the top of his glasses.

"Right, and the Philosopher's Stone is perfectly safe, I'm the Heir of Slytherin, and Peter Petigrew is dead," Harry replied and poured himself another glass of pumpkin juice as a fight broke out at the head table. He ignored the spellfire that caused everyone else to take cover, instead snagging the basket of rolls and a second helping of potatoes.

Barty was in no way skilled enough to hold off the staff of Hogwarts for long-even if Dumbledore hadn't been present-but he held them off long enough to get a clear shot at Harry and cast one final spell. "AVADA KADAVRA!"

Faces turned to Harry in horror as the spell sped towards where he sat, buttering a roll, seemingly oblivious to the death curse shooting towards him. When it reached less than a foot away, Harry flicked his freshly buttered bread roll at it where they met in an explosive flash of magic that dissipated the curse and exploded the bread roll.

***THUNK!*** Madam Maxine ended the battle with a single blow, her backhand slamming the faux-Moody into the wall six feet away.

Harry calmly picked up another roll and buttered it as the students crawled out from under the tables. "As I was saying," Harry said in the sudden silence, "Barty over there cast a confoundus on the goblet so it would think there were four schools in the tournament and used his position as a teacher to enter me as a student of the fourth school. I didn't enter my name and have no intention of competing."

"We'll discuss it later," Dumbledore said. "For now, join the champions, please, while I take care of this."

"Fine," Harry said, rolling his eyes. Harry listened to the whispers and comments as he walked, noting they were very different from the ones he'd gotten the first time around.

"Are we needed back in the great hall?" Cedric asked as Harry entered the room. "And what was that commotion?"

"An escaped death eater was caught impersonating a teacher," Harry replied. "He entered my name in the goblet under a fourth school, but since they caught him I should be able to avoid competing."

"Why would they enter your name?" Fleur asked in confusion.

"Because I'm Harry Potter," Harry replied, "and they take offense to that."

Cedric laughed while the two foreign students took a second longer to get the joke before joining in. Harry was pleased with how things were going. Hopefully he could avoid all the glares and hostility this time around.

"Was it Snape?" Cedric asked hopefully.

"Sadly, no," Harry said with a sigh. "It was the new DADA professor. Turns out he was an impostor."

Before anything more could be said, Dumbledore and the other school heads entered; along with Snape and Bagman.

"Speaking of which," Dumbledore said, having caught the tail end of the comment, "how did you know?"

"Every single DADA instructor I've had has had some sort of dark secret and attacked me," Harry replied. "It's not really hard to see the pattern there, so I found out what was going on this year and let you know."

"Yes, but how did you figure it out?" Dumbledore asked curiously.

"I'm not telling you that," Harry replied. "Being the only one who knows my method means I'm safer than I would be otherwise."

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist," Dumbledore said as Harry felt his thoughts beginning to wander as to how he'd discovered it the first time.

Harry looked down and took off his glasses. He tapped them with his wand and put them back on before meeting the eyes of the group of adults once more. "You can insist all you want, but I'm in no way obligated to respond," Harry said behind his mirrored lenses.

"Why did you do that to your glasses?" Bagman asked curiously.

"It prevents legillimency," Karkaroff said, approval clear in his voice. "Caught unaware, it would even trap a legillimencer in his own mind."

"Harry," Dumbledore said, radiating disappointment, "surely you don't think-" The thud of Snape falling limply to the ground interrupted whatever he'd been about to say.

"You were saying, headmaster?" Harry asked, trying but failing to keep sarcasm out of his voice.

The four champions were left alone once more as the adults departed to argue among themselves and take Snape to the infirmary.

"Harry, did you just kill Snape?" Cedric asked slowly.

"Nyet," Victor Krum spoke up. "Tricking a legillimencer into casting into a mirror only traps them in their own mind where they have to face their own flaws and imperfections. Legend is they will come out as a better person or not at all, but so far everyone is simply trapped until they die."

Cedric smiled broadly. "I think I'll name my first child Harry."

Harry laughed. "So, while we're waiting, does anyone want to play poker?"

There was a round of agreements and a house elf was summoned to bring them a deck of cards.

**Half an hour later...**

"So there I was, trapped in between a massive bear and the mountain when it reared up and roared in my face," Victor said.

"And then?" Fleur asked, spellbound.

"I was only eight, you understand?" Victor reminded them. "So I did the only thing I could think of, I kicked it between the legs."

The three looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"I think it surprised the bear more than anything, but it made it stumble back and as I said it was a narrow path." Victor continued with a grin.

"It fell off the trail, didn't it?" Cedric asked.

"It rolled all the way down the mountain," Krum said, shaking his head. "Naturally, when I was asked what had happened I was still in shock, so I said 'I only hit it once.'"

Harry laughed until tears came to his eyes. "I bet they asked for all your help with bear-related problems from then on."

"Da," Krum agreed. "As it turns out, I was actually quite good at dealing with bears. Most were just in the wrong area, so I lured them elsewhere."

"Getting bears to where you want them to go is even more impressive than killing them," Fleur assured him.

"Bears are just like big puppies," Victor said. "Once you know them, they are easy to deal with."

"Your turn, Harry," Cedric said. "Tell us an interesting story about your childhood."

"Mine was boring," Harry assured them. "I was raised in the muggle world by muggle relatives who hate magic."

"You weren't raised in a magical household and given special training?" Cedric asked in surprise.

"Didn't know I was a wizard until Hagrid told me," Harry said. "I was told my parents were drunks who died in a car wreck that gave me my scar."

"Then how in the world have you managed to survive everything?!" exclaimed Cedric.

"Survive?" Fleur interjected.

"Every year he's in some life-threatening danger," Cedric explained. "He ends up in the hospital wing a lot."

"Dumbledore keeps letting in servants of Voldemort, who try to kill me," Harry explained.

"That... actually makes some sense," Cedric said slowly. "I mean, everything that happens to you is too crazy to be a coincidence."

"Why would Dumbledore want you dead?" Fleur asked.

"Senility?" Harry suggested with a shrug. "The man has Snape on his staff, he can't be all there."

"Yeah," Cedric agreed with a nod, smiling as he recalled Snape's fate.

Fleur smiled and shuffled the cards. "Back to the game. What was the bet?"

"Harry offered righteous vengeance on the target of your choice, Victor Krum has wagered professional quidditch training, and I have offered a major favor," Cedric listed off. "What will you wager?"

"A weekend with my sister who is also a Veela," said Fleur, hiding a grin as she knew what they were all thinking since they didn't know Gabrielle's age. Of course, if they were well mannered enough to bury their disappointment and entertain her little sister then perhaps she could schedule a free weekend to spend with them.

"As long as she's willing," Cedric agreed, tempted but not willing to hold a girl to a promise made by her sister.

"Same," Victor agreed.

"And you?" Fleur asked Harry.

"My weekend would consist almost solely of theme-parks. I've always wondered what they're like, so I'm thinking Disneyland," Harry replied.

The three looked at him in surprise.

"Not Euro-Disney, I mean the one in America," Harry said firmly.

"Veela are known for all things erotic, and you would spend a weekend with one... at a theme-park?" Victor asked just to be sure.

"If you can't laugh and have fun with a girl then you aren't really enjoying her company," Harry explained.

Victor nodded slowly. "I think you are right. If I win, Disneyland will be my destination as well."

"Having both a girlfriend and a more limited budget, I'm afraid it'll be mostly showing her around the local area and proving to my girlfriend that I am trustworthy," Cedric added.

"That is... surprisingly mature," Fleur said.

"The goblet chose us all for a reason," Cedric pointed out. "Well, it chose us for a reason. Harry was chosen because another D.A.D.A. teacher was plotting to kill him."

Harry grinned and showed his maturity by sticking out his tongue.

**Typing by: Ordieth**


	43. Callback 2

**Callback 2**

**YASEMF 40: Chapter 1**

"The new look you were rockin' yesterday was an improvement," Monique pointed out, as she joined Ron and Kim for lunch.

"Agreed, but me and tight clothes seems to end up with me naked and covered in oil," Ron replied, "hence the reversal of trends."

"Seriously?" Monique asked doubtfully.

"Seriously," Kim said, joining the conversation. "It's completely insane, but every time he put on tight clothes, oil and nudity soon followed."

"On the plus side, I got several job offers for when I turn eighteen," Ron said before taking a sip of his soda.

Kim rolled her eyes. "And on the negative side you are banned from every Red Lobster in the state."

"Completely not my fault," Ron said. "Anyway, it seems only loose clothes allows me to keep my shorts on."

"Do I wanna hear what happened at Red Lobster?" Monique asked Kim with a smile, always ready for some gossip.

"Hear it?" Ron snorted. "You can see it. Go on Youtube and look up hot buttered hunk dances at RL."

"Dances? Hot buttered?" Monique asked with a grin.

"A waiter tripped and covered him in hot butter," Kim said, shaking her head.

"And the dancing?"

"Hot butter burns, so I was spinning around trying to remove hot buttered clothes, tight ones, while dodging lobster claws," Ron said.

"Lobster claws?" Monique asked.

"The waiter that dumped the butter on me managed to smash the tank," Ron explained.

"And that caused them to ban you?" Monique asked doubtfully. "Sounds to me like a reason to sue them."

"Search me," Ron said cheerfully.

"It probably had to do with you getting up on the table and dancing for half an hour," Kim said with a groan.

"I was challenged!" Ron defended his actions, stabbing the air with a finger.

"Challenged?" Monique asked bringing out a notepad.

"I climbed on the table to avoid the lobsters, and apparently there was a convention going on," Ron explained.

"A stripper convention?" Monique guessed, waiting for his nod before writing it down.

"Naturally they assumed hot, buttered, naked, writhing meant something completely different than it did in this case," Ron said.

"And the challenge?" Monique asked eagerly.

"One of them called him an amateur," Kim said, "and for some reason that set him off."

"And how about if someone called your cheering amateurish?" Ron asked. "Are you saying you'd let it slide?"

"Well... no," Kim admitted, "but that's something completely different. You are not a professional stripper."

"I have eight hundred and sixty three dollars, a feathered boa, and a second hand trophy that say different," Ron announced proudly.

"Come again?" Monique said wide eyed.

"He ended up starting a competition right in the middle of the lunch rush," Kim said shaking her head. "He was lucky he didn't get arrested!"

"He won and made a nice little profit," Ron said smugly.

"I have got to see the video," Monique said, whipping out her cell phone.

"I'm so glad I wasn't visible on the video," Kim said, returning her attention back to finishing her lunch while her friends' eyes grew large staring at the video playing on her phone.

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Hey, Wade," Ron greeted the tech genius and third member of the team over the Kimmunicator.

"Hey, Ron," he replied cheerfully. "What's up?"

"I've been thinking about some of the equipment Drakken uses or leases to other villains. What do we know about the cloner and why don't we carry a Seltzer bottle when we know we're going to run into clones?" Ron asked.

"That is a very good question," Wade said. "I have no idea why, considering it's an easy and low cost solution to dealing with clones." Wade typed something on his computer. "I'll be sure to send a bottle on your next mission dealing with clones."

"Excellent. Now back to my first question," Ron said.

"How much do I know about the cloner?" Wade asked. "Enough to build one, but not enough to improve on the design. Not without a lot of time and testing, and anyway, it's also a bit out of my area of expertise."

"How much would it cost and how long would it take?" Ron asked eagerly.

"About ten grand, but most of that is for the multiphasic scanning/emitter head," Wade explained. "That's over eighty percent of the cost right there."

"Coolio," Ron said, grinning widely. "Build me a cloner, excepting the emitter. I'll save some money and jack that from Drakken."

"What are you planning to do with clones of me?" Kim demanded.

"What are you talking about?" Ron asked, confused.

"You just asked Wade to make you a cloner," she pointed out crossing her arms.

"And?" Ron asked.

"Hello, Kim clones!" she said, as she waved a hand.

"Where?" Ron asked spinning around.

"If you aren't going to make Kim clones, then why do you want a cloner?" Kim asked.

"Wow, that is quite the ego," Ron said in disbelief.

Kim groaned and face palmed. "I didn't mean it that way, it's just ever since Drakken got the bugs worked out he only uses it to make Kim clones, so if you aren't going to use it to make Kim clones, what are you going to use it for?"

"Decoys, sparring partners, alibis, distractions, yardwork... and a probably a hundred more things I haven't thought of yet," Ron explained.

"Share it with me and I'll split the costs with you," Wade said earnestly as he considered the possibilities.

"Deal," Ron agreed.

"Could they be used to take our place in detention?" Kim asked.

"And to listen to my Aunt Rosie talk about her cats," Wade agreed happily.

"What about soda melting them?" Kim asked.

"How often do you actually get soda spilled on you?" Ron asked. "I actually have an idea that may help with that, but I'm not saying it in public or over the air waves, I like being able to defeat clones easily."

"Works for me," Wade agreed.

"Break is almost over, we gotta bail," Kim said.

"Later," Wade said signing off.

"Later," the pair replied, getting their things and closing their lockers.

Bonnie watched the pair in her compact, pretending to fix her makeup.

"Hey," Tara said, waving her hand in Bonnie's face to get her attention.

"What?" Bonnie snapped.

"I said, "You've been distant ever since you talked to Monique, what gives?" Tara said, repeating herself.

Bonnie blushed and put her compact away. "It's nothing, I've just been thinking about dance lessons."

"Oh, Okay. Well get your books, class starts soon," Tara said, knowing she wouldn't get the truth out of her friend until she was ready to talk to her about it.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

James Possible smiled as he looked over the buffet and saw all the rich pasta dishes, before a little voice in the back of his head (that sounded remarkably like a blonde haired boy of his daughter's acquaintance) encouraged him to take seconds of everything, with a sign he moved down the line to the salad section.

He'd really like to blame the boy, but all he'd done was point out things James already knew while playing Devil's Advocate and amusing his wife. Plus that was a damn good pizza he'd sent him the day before. James Possible was many things, but stupid wasn't one of them ... nor able to turn down a free pizza. Piling his plate high with greens, he mentally calculated how many calories he needed to cut from his usual lunch to help make up for that glorious pizza.

"If I started a regular exercise program, I could eat pizza more often," he noted aloud, wondering what a good exercise program for him would be and reminding himself that his anniversary was coming up and he really wanted to look good for that. "Maybe Ron would have some ideas or could find out what 'Mrs. Dr. Possible' would like?" he said with a grin.

He turned to go and almost bumped into a familiar face. "Dr. Drakken?"

"Excuse - Dr. Possible?" the blue skinned scientist said surprised.

The pair looked at one another and their food choices.

"You too, huh?" James offered.

Drakken winced. "I don't get much exercise as I used to and I've got an anniversary coming up..."

"I hear you," James agreed, "I was just contemplating what kind of exercise program I could get into so I could eat more than vegetables and still get into shape."

The two sat down and ate their salads with matching sighs.

***Beep!* *Beep!***

"My cell," Drakken said pulling it out. "Looks like I got a hit on my Team Possible Tracker."

"Team Possible tracker?" James asked curiously.

"I keep tabs on their exploits on social media," Drakken explained. "Looks like we have a hit on Youtube."

"Can I see?" James asked.

"Sure, let me pull it up," Drakken said tapping the screen.

The pair watched the video in silence, bursting out laughing as it came to an end and Ron was given a trophy and a feathered boa before being ejected from a Red Lobster.

"That was priceless!" Drakken said, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

"Yeah, but it gives me an idea," James said thoughtfully.

"Pretty sure we'd get thrown out of here faster than he was," Drakken admitted, "besides, I don't know how to dance."

James replied, "Not that, well, yes, that, but not here. Listen we need to lose some weight, get in shape and do something special for our respective anniversaries, right?"

"True," Drakken agreed.

"That was both a workout and something that our... actually, I don't know about yours, but I know my wife would consider me stripping for her romantic or at least a worthy effort for a 20th anniversary gift," James explained.

"I think Shego would find it acceptable," Drakken agreed, "Do you think Ron would teach us?"

"Ron... I thought you could never remember his name?" James asked. "You should hear him complain about it."

Drakken grinned. "That's why I do it."

The pair burst out laughing.

"Anyway, he's skilled, obviously working out and we can get lessons from him without anyone finding out," James said.

"I'm sold," Drakken agreed.

**0oo0o0o0o0**

"What's wrong?" Kim asked Ron, who was looking around warily.

"I don't know KP," he admitted, "I just got this chill down my spine for some reason."

Kim looked around, not noticing the numerous girls watching Ron, she shrugged. "I'm not seeing anything."

"It's probably nothing," he admitted. "Let's get to class."

**Typed by - Sitheus Maximus / Ipsith**


	44. Quantum Leapfrog 2

**Quantum Leapfrog 2**

**YASEMF 42: Chapter 1**

"So what's the verdict?" Harry asked when Dumbledore returned, with McGonagall, Karkaroff and Maxime.

"Verdict?" Fleur asked as she shuffled the cards for the next hand.

"I was illegally entered into the contest against my will by an escaped terrorist," Harry explained. "Now normally that's a pretty open and shut case, but since this is Hogwarts and The-Boy-Who-Lived is involved I expect events, and the people involved in them, have somehow managed to conspire and screw me over." He was quite for a moment. "Ten galleons say that despite all that they have come up with some ridiculous reason to make me compete," Harry added tossing ten galleons in the center of the table.

"I'm in," Fleur said as she and Krum tossed in their galleons.

Everyone looked over at Cedric who shook his head. "Suckers bet, Potter isn't that lucky."

"I'm afraid -" Dumbledore began causing the two foreign students to groan.

Harry sighed and collected the money.

"As I was saying, I'm afraid you have no choice but to compete," Dumbledore said. "While you did not put your name in, the goblet was confounded to believe you did, so you are bound to the contract."

"And has it been announced that I didn't put my name in?" Harry asked.

"I hardly think that's necessary," McGonagall said. "Everyone saw the results of your announcement."

"In other words, letting everyone know I'm innocent of any wrongdoing wasn't something you cared to do," Harry said, shaking his head. "Who wants to bet ten galleons I'm going to be called a cheat and a liar by half the school tomorrow?"

Fleur and Krum looked towards Cedric, who shook his head, so they both refused to bet.

"It won't be that bad." McGonagall frowned. "I'm sure you're exaggerating and at least you'll have the support of your house."

"Twenty says they turn on me en masse," Harry offered the champions, who just snorted and shook their heads.

"Mr. Potter!" McGonagall exclaimed with a glare, offended.

"Follow me while disillusioned and you'll see what's what," Harry said bluntly. Turning to Dumbledore, he asked, "Has anyone questioned Barty or are we planning on letting him be silenced by the Ministry first?"

"He's in the infirmary, dosed with the Draught of Living Death and guarded by Flitwick and Pomphrey," Dumbledore assured Harry. "He's going nowhere until the Auror's have a chance to question him."

"I'm not sure what he could know that would be all that important after all this time," Karkaroff said.

"He's had access to the students of all three schools, who knows what spells he's cast on them or what potions he could have fed them," Harry said, causing the adults to exchange worried glances. "And we need to know how he faked his death in Azkaban and who his confederates are," Harry continued. "Not to mention what long convoluted scheme he was up to, since killing me would have been simple compared to entering me in the tournament."

"Yes," Dumbledore said slowly, "there is a lot we need answers to."

"Who wants to bet twenty galleons Fudge shows up with a Dementor as a body guard and it 'escapes' his control and kisses Barty before he can be questioned?" Harry asked cheerfully.

"That's oddly specific," Dumbledore noted.

Harry took off his glasses and tapped them with his wand, turning them into mirrored glasses once more.

"That's a bit uncalled for," Dumbledore said, slightly offended that Harry felt the need to use legilimency protection.

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure," Harry replied.

"What kind of prevention would you suggest we use in this case?" Dumbledore asked curiously.

"Polyjuice potion to switch Snape and Barty when the Minister arrives, so the wrong patient isn't accidentally kissed," Harry replied. "We know Snape isn't going to wake up anyway, so if I'm wrong, nothing bad will happen regardless."

"That's rather callous," Dumbledore said, disapproval in his tone.

"With everything I know about him..." Harry shook his head. "Let's not argue about something we will never agree on. Professor," he said, turning to McGonagall, "if you'd care to disillusion yourself, you can see how I'm treated in my own house."

"I hardly think that will be necessary Mr. Potter," McGonagall replied with her lips pursed together in irritation.

"And that is why our house ghost is Nearly Headless Nick," Harry said with a shrug, "because we are the Nearly Headless House. Guys, I'll see you in the tournament, remember that at least one death eater was involved in it and even if he was caught; he probably had friends, so please take my advice and be careful. Night!"

There was silence for a minute after Harry departed, before Krum asked, "Do they really call it the Nearly Headless House?"

"No!" McGonagall said firmly, just as Cedric said, "Yes."

"Which is it?" Fleur asked.

"The students call it the Nearly Headless House," Cedric said apologetically, much to McGonagall's horror. "As Assistant Headmistress Professor McGonagall is usually far too busy to deal with a lot of the problems most Heads of Houses handle and since she tries to hold herself to a higher standard of fairness as Assistant Headmistress, the students of her house sometime find her tougher on them than she would be on students from other houses, resulting in them rarely going to her, unless there is a serious problem."

"Heads of Houses aren't supposed to hold their hands," Karkaroff said with a shrug, as a pale faced Minerva sat down.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Harry shook his head as the majority of Gryffindor acted just like he expected, including Ron.

Of course there were some exceptions...

"I haven't kept up on muggle technology and terminology," Hermione admitted, "so this is all guesswork, but a Quantum Leap is an expression traditionally used when someone makes a tremendous jump forward in a project. So... what was your leap and how did it let you discover what was going on?"

Harry laughed. "I didn't leap forward and please don't ask me anything more about it, as there are people who would use it against me if they knew. Now, who here thinks I didn't put my name in the cup?"

Neville, Hermione, and the twins raised their hands while Parvati and Lavender held out a hand each and waggled it back and forth. The rest of the house had gone to bed after making various snide comments, so it came as little surprise.

"Okay, let's start with you two," Harry said, moving to the two who weren't sure. "Why do you not believe me?"

"Because spells and potions could have been used to make you enter without you remembering a thing," Parvati explained. "So while I don't believe you willingly entered yourself, I think it is possible someone forced you to without your knowledge."

"And I follow her lead, because I trust her instinct in these things," Lavender added.

Harry blinked and considered that for a minute. "That is the most well thought out and reasonable explanation I have heard, thank you," he said with a smile.

"Ron really didn't mean -" Hermione began, as he turned to her.

"Yes, he did," Harry cut her off. "I know a lot of it is insecurity and jealousy, but with my life on the line I can't afford to have anyone I can't count on around. I won't ask you not to be his friend as he's probably still your friend... he's just no longer mine."

"That's harsh," Gred said with a wince.

"Peter felt overshadowed and out done by my parents and their friends," Harry said. "I think that if they'd let him distance himself from them and find his own place to shine without them, he would have been happier. Sometimes you have to let people go, not... keep them where you think they belong."

"Did you just compare Ron to Pettigrew?" Forge asked with a frown.

"More like I compared their situations," Harry said. "Peter didn't have to turn out the way he did, the people around him had a hand in it, even if it was his decision in the end. Ron is at the point where being around me... makes his problems worse, and he's made his choice, so I'm going to respect that and hope he finds what he needs, but in the mean time I have people trying to kill me. Am I being too self-centered here?"

"No, much as I wish you were, you're spot on," Gred admitted.

"You've put a lot of thought into this," Hermione noted.

"My life is shaped by other people's bad decisions," Harry replied making the twins laugh.

"If you didn't enter yourself, why can't they let you out of the tournament?" Parvati asked.

"Dumbledore said that even though I didn't enter myself the Goblet was confounded to believe I did, so the contract is still binding," Harry said.

"He really should have made an announcement," Lavender said.

"He and McGonagall were of the opinion that the Death Eater being unmasked was enough proof for the school," Harry explained with a sigh.

"Enough proof?!" Lavender exclaimed. "It's like they don't even live here!"

Harry snorted. "McGonagall even insisted that all of the Gryffindor's would support me, which shows how much she knows about this house."

Hermione opened her mouth, but closed it again after a couple of seconds unable to come up with a defense for her favorite teacher.

"That's enough bad news for the moment," Harry said cheerfully. "Would anyone like some good news?"

"I wouldn't mind some good news," Neville said.

"Snape screwed up a spell and trapped himself in his own mind," Harry said cheerfully.

"Forever?" came the near universal and hopeful chorus.

"No one has ever recovered from it and legend is that the only way to recover involves becoming a better person, probably some sort of enlightened monk," Harry explained.

"I'll get the fire whiskey," Gred said.

"I'll get the food," Forge added.

"I'll get the tent!" Neville exclaimed, excitedly.

"Tent?" Harry asked.

"My Uncle Algie bought me an expanding tent as an apology gift," Neville explained. "I thought it'd be a good place to throw a party without tripping wards or getting caught."

"That's brilliant!" the twins chorused.

"Why does no one do this?" Hermione asked, surprised she hadn't thought of it herself.

"How big is the tent?" Lavender asked.

"Three bedrooms, two bathrooms with a hot tub," Neville replied.

"I'm getting my swim clothes," Hermione said, much to everyone's surprise as she rushed upstairs.

"Meet back here in five," Harry said, rushing off to get his own.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Harry woke up sandwiched between Hermione and Lavender, not something he'd remotely considered possible. "Morning," Harry said, when he noticed his companions were also awake.

"Morning," they chorused back.

"If I was secretly a time travelling wizard from far in the future, would this mean I took advantage of you?" Harry asked. "Me being so much older and you two naive young schoolgirls, I mean."

"Not sure," Lavender replied. "I know it took nearly half a bottle of fire whiskey for me to get your pants off and I was planning it while sober, but if you want to wallow in guilt I don't mind, I know that's kind of your thing."

"So we can blame it all on you and I was just collateral," Hermione said.

"You cast contraceptive charms on us before we started drinking and just happened to have three vials of hangover cure for us to take as well," Lavender pointed out with a grin.

"I like to be prepared," Hermione replied. "I didn't want my first time to be an awkward dangerous affair."

"You are a surprisingly good kisser," Lavender added, "and quite adventurous."

"So were you," Hermione told her, leaning across Harry as Lavender did the same, their lips closing in on one another's.

"Everyone up!" Parvati called out from the main room. "We gotta get ready and put the tent away before the Prefects get up!"

Harry pouted as Hermione and Lavender separated and got up. 'Oh well, at least I don't feel guilty anymore.'

**Typed by - Sitheus Maximus / Ipsith**


	45. A sunny day in DC

**A Sunny Day In DC**

The air twisted and tore, throwing a blond haired man in a red, blue and yellow outfit into the sky above Gotham.

Xander quickly regained control over his flight and looked at the rapidly shrinking tear in the sky. "Well, that sucked," he decided. He sighed and looked around the city, noting all the dark alleys and gothic architecture, quickly figuring out where he was. "At least they exiled me to the right universe," he said, wondering which version of the local DC Universe he was in.

Using super speed he broke up twelve muggings, five car jacking's, and one drunk driver by destroying their weapons while leaving the perpetrators untouched. Having their weapons reduced to balls of twisted metal caused every one of the criminals to rethink their plans for the day and the drunk driver to wonder what had happened to his car and why he was sitting on a rough metal cube in the middle of the sidewalk.

A blonde haired girl in a similar outfit appeared in front of Xander in a blur of speed. "Who are you? Where are you from? Why didn't you turn them into the police?" she asked rapidly.

"Xander," he introduced himself, holding out a hand to shake. "I'm from another universe, don't know where and have no way back. A lot of criminals commit crimes because they have no other way to feed themselves or make a living and I'm not sure what the local laws on superheroes even are."

She shook his hand. "Kara Zor-El. Are you of the House of El or did you just copy the design?"

"Magically adopted into the house, which is a bit of a story, but yes, I am Kryptonian," he told her, guessing what she really wanted to know.

"So... not an alternate version of me?" she asked curiously, looking him over and seeing how similar he looked to her as compared to Kal and finding very few points of similarity with either of them beyond the hair and eyes.

"I was actually a magical clone of you or one of your alternates, at one point, but I got it sorted out so I was me again, though Kryptonian," he answered, having to make an effort not to use his X-ray vision, on the cute and perky blonde that was hovering in front of him.

"Do you have all my memories?" she asked nervously, freezing in place as she considered some of the things she did and thought in private.

"An alternative you," he reminded her, "so probably not any of your actual memories, even if some might be similar in parts."

"Would you object to coming to meet my cousins and his paranoid friends so we can fill you in on everything you need to know and make sure you're safe?" she asked hopefully as she relaxed and smiled once more.

"You sound like you've run into alternate selves before," Xander said, surprised as he hadn't thought it was actually that common in any branch of DC he knew of.

"I think everyone in the League has, at least once," Kara said with a shrug.

"That's a bit surprising. Well, I've got no objections to some local introductions and paperwork," Xander agreed.

Kara took his hand and tapped her right ear. "Two to port."

In a flash they were gone.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"... And the only two things left are to meet J'onn and then medical," Kara told Xander as he finished scanning a pamphlet on registering as a former resident of a parallel universe in the US.

"The help with paperwork and registration are great and the files you had me read are helpful, but wasn't I supposed to meet your cousin and his paranoid friends?" he teased.

"J'onn will do a light scan of your mind to make sure you are who you say you are and if you like, he can do a deep scan to make sure you are who you think you are and that no one has implanted any commands or programming in your noggin," she explained, smirking. "My cousin is usually busy but hang around enough and you'll meet him."

Xander blinked. "Just so you know, only the fact that you're cute has made this seem in any way reasonable," he flirted. "Besides I doubt he's my type."

Kara laughed and lead him down the hall, waving hi at a few capes along the way.

J'onn J'onzz aka the Martian Manhunter was waiting in the medical bay.

"I've been possessed twice, once by a primal hyena spirit," Xander warned, once the introductions were done.

"That's helpful to know. How complete a scan would you feel comfortable with me performing?" the Martian asked.

"Let me know if you find something interesting and I'll trust in your ethics to keep the rest to yourself," Xander replied. "Just be careful, my mind is a scary place."

"I'll keep that in mind," J'onn said a glint of amusement in his eyes.

Xander looked around the medical bay whole J'onn did his thing and Kara ran a blood sample she obtained from him with a red penlight and a lancing tool. He found his mind considering various ways to use time and dimensional travel to create a large enough population to restore currently near extinct races while he waited. "Be sure to destroy my sample," he told Kara, knowing that if the blood sample was left lying around Lex or Waller would get their hands on it and he'd have to deal with evil clones or some mystical hoodoo targeting him.

"Will do," Kara promised, adding a sample of her own blood to the machine and checking something.

"Anything?" Xander asked J'onn as he tapped his chin and looked thoughtful.

"The numerous mental overlays you've undergone has given you a rather unique viewpoint and enhanced your ability to empathize with others," the Martian replied. "Other than that, your mind is your own."

"That's what I like to hear," Xander said cheerfully.

"And done," Kara said, hitting a button and destroying both blood samples. "You have a clean bill of health and your blood is Kryptonian, not bizaro or cloned or spliced and surprisingly divergent from the house of El while still registering as distantly related."

"Also good," Xander agreed. "Now what?"

"How do you feel about chili?" Kara asked shyly.

**0o0o0o0o0**

"What can you tell us?" Batman asked J'onn as he entered the monitor room.

"He's a good man, not born of the House of El as he said, but adopted into it," J'onn offered.

"Should he be offered a place in the League?" Wonder Woman asked.

"It would be a poor fit," J'onn said. "His philosophy is quite different than your average hero and is best suited for dealing with demonic threats, which he's had a fair amount of experience with."

"Reserve member, call in on mystical matters?" Superman suggested.

"Also disaster relief and search and rescue," J'onn added. "While being a full member wouldn't be advisable he is still quite willing to help people."

"What did the medical tests show?" Superman asked.

"Kryptonian, no anomalies, responds to red solar energy and kryptonite as normal, has much less energy stored than either you or Kara, and his genes are compatible with Kara's," Batman finished up.

"Compatible?" Superman asked. "Why did you have her run that test?"

"I didn't," Batman replied, not saying anything more.

"He's weaker than Kara," Wonder Woman noted. "Is that from lack of solar exposure?"

"Most likely," J'onn agreed.

"Meaning he'll get stronger over time," Batman noted aloud. "Is there anything else you feel we should know about him?"

"I would suggest working with him on rescue and humanitarian missions and getting to know him for yourself," J'onn said. "I've said all I believe he'd feel comfortable with me saying already."

"So... Kara ran the compatibility test on her own?" Superman asked awkwardly.

"Considering the number of male Kryptonians available..." Wonder Woman hinted, amused.

"Point," Superman conceded with a sigh.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I usually don't go here as Kara," Supergirl said as they landed in from of a diner in Metropolis.

"I haven't bothered with a secret identity," Xander said. "Of course I haven't had time to have a life yet, I'd just gotten my place set up and comfortable when I got booted out of the universe for being an anomaly, since that reality lacked Kryptonians. If I wanted privacy I just carried a bag marked props and people assumed I was a public entertainer and left me alone."

"And that works?" she asked surprised.

"Well ... it was Florida and they hadn't heard of Superman," he said thoughtfully.

"The 'S' is pretty well known here," she said with a grin.

"We could just dress in regular clothes and let it go at that," Xander suggested.

Kara smiled as she considered that. She could dress in something nice without hiding or acting to maintain the honor of her House. "I think I'd like that. Now we just need clothes."

"Cash and a thrift store," Xander suggested. "Thankfully we have powers well suited to legally acquiring cash in a hurry."

"Really?" she asked curiously. "Why a thrift store?" she added before he could answer.

"Yep, easily. Because clothes that have obvious wear help you blend in much better," Xander replied. "New clothes means money, a disguise, a recent accident or a gift... many possible things, while old clothes just mean old clothes."

"That makes sense," she agreed thoughtfully.

Xander scanned the city, searching for something before saying, "River outside the city," and zipping off with Kara following him as he played follow the leader tossing in a few loops and rolls just for fun, making her laugh.

"What's here?" she asked as they floated over the river just under the bridge.

"A purse buried in the cement since the 50's," Xander replied, gesturing to a cement pillar.

Kara used her X-Ray vision on the bridge support spotting the purse instantly. "I see it, but how will we get it out without damaging the structure?"

"We cut a section of cement out and replace it," Xander replied, as he turned and spotted a granite boulder. He floated over to it and placed a hand on its surface. After a moment's concentration, he pulled his hand up and a perfect rectangle of granite came up with it as if glued to his hand.

"How did you do that?!" Kara demanded, never having seen Kal pull anything remotely similar.

"You concentrated on pure strength rather than aura manipulation, didn't you?" Xander guessed.

"Aura manipulation?" Kara said curiously.

"Most of our strength and invulnerability comes from the aura we generate around ourselves," Xander explained. "The first universe I was tossed into, I started off pretty weak, and there were still very few people that were strong enough for me to worry about and the ones that were could give superman a run for his money, so instead of bashing my head against a wall, I worked on finesse."

"Can you teach me?" she asked as Xander handed her the granite plug and flew up to place his hand on the concrete support.

"Sure," he replied. "Ready?"

"Ready," she answered as he took a deep breath and pulled his hand away, a neat rectangle of stone coming with it, which she quickly replaced with the matching granite plug.

Xander grinned and tapped the cement rapidly, breaking off chunks until he had a smooth sphere the size of a basketball. "Now let's find an antique shop."

"Why are you leaving it in the cement?" Kara asked as they flew off.

"Antiques are more valuable with a bit of history to them," Xander explained.

"So cutting it open in front of the store owner, with a picture or two makes it more valuable," Kara realized, as understanding dawned.

"Heroes are celebrities here," Xander said thoughtfully. "I'd forgotten about that."

Before she could question him, she heard a screech of metal tearing and the sound of gun fire followed by metallic laughter. "Crap it's Metallo, this is going to hurt."

"Why?" Xander asked.

"Near indestructible robot with a kryptonite core, the best we can do is distract until Kal arrives," Kara explained.

"Or we could hit up the metal refinery for a load of molten lead to pour over him and make him someone else's problem, via orbital launch," Xander suggested.

Kara paused and considered that. "I don't think that would kill him, but I'm not sure."

"How many people has he killed or maimed?" Xander asked.

"Hundreds," Kara replied.

"From the sounds of it there's a good chance he'll survive and legally and morally he should have been executed long ago. We aren't trying to kill him, but I say protecting the general public is more important than risking them by trying to take him down gently."

"Agreed," Kara said, thinking he made a lot of sense and wondering why she hadn't thought of it that way before.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Metallo has robbed the Metropolis First National Bank," Flash informed Superman from the Monitor Room. "Kara and Xander are handling him, so you've got a couple of minute's lee-way."

"I'm dealing with a landslide in India, it's going to be at least half an hour before I can get away," Superman answered over his comlink. "Is Wonder Woman available?"

"Negative, big guy, she's dealing with Giganta over in Russia... and it looks to be a moot point anyway," Flash said.

"What?! What happened? Is Kara okay?!" Superman demanded worriedly.

"Considering Metallo just went past the Watch Tower, I think she's fine," Flash said with a grin.

"Track Metallo and keep me appraised of the situation, Superman out," Superman said, a bit of pride leaking into his voice.

"What's Metallo's trajectory?" Green Arrow asked curiously.

"Lunar," Flash replied amused.

**Typed by - Sitheus Maximus / Ipsith**


	46. Quantum Leapfrog 3

**Quantum Leapfrog 3**

"I don't even know why you're here!" Ron snapped at Harry. "You should be sitting at Slytherin with all the other snakes!"

"I think backstabbers and those that just stew in jealousy because of their own inadequacies belong there more," Harry said absently as he filled his plate, ignoring the numerous familiar looking buttons he saw scattered about, though noticeably absent from the foreign students and the majority of the puffs.

Ron's face got red and he took a deep breath, but before he could say anything, Malfoy made his daily appearance along with his two bookends.

"Speak of the rodent," Harry said as Lavender passed him the pumpkin juice.

"So, Potter," Malfoy said with a smirk, Crabbe and Goyle standing behind him as always, "notice any new pieces of apparel in the hall today?"

"You mean the buttons calling Cedric the real Hogwarts champion that, since you had a hand in, probably have some childish insult charmed to appear on them?" Harry asked sarcastically.

"Room for one more?" Cedric asked as he approached.

"I hope this is not just for Hogwarts champions," Fleur added as she came up behind him.

"B-but he cheated!" Ron protested as the two champions took seats across from Harry.

"Ignore him," Harry suggested while Ron sputtered and Malfoy stood there quietly, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Any idea who they'll have teaching DADA this year?" Neville asked, passing Fleur the toast.

"Madeye Moody needs time to recover, Remus was outed, and Snape has probably been kissed," Harry pointed out, "so I'm guessing they'll rotate teachers. Worse case scenario we get a ministry drone who tells us we don't need to use our wands because the aurors will protect us."

"What happened to my head of house?" Malfoy demanded.

"He accidently used legilimency on his reflection," Harry replied.

"B-but that's rule number one of what not to do!" Malfoy protested.

"You know his temper," Harry replied. "He was upset, trying to be sneaky, and made a mistake. Now, the question is, has he been kissed or was my suggestion completely ignored and the ministry has helped cover up loose ends, leaving the students of all three schools in danger and potentially already cursed or potioned. Anyone wanna bet I was listened to and old Barty was questioned?"

"What odds are you offering?" Fleur asked suspiciously.

"A hundred to one," Harry said with an encouraging grin.

"Tempting, but I'll have to pass," Cedric said. "Betting against you never seems to pan out."

"So I am learning," Fleur agreed with a smirk at Harry's disappointed pout.

"I'm surprised Krum hasn't joined us," Cedric said, as Ron retreated and Malfoy went to check on his godfather.

"Krum gets up early and spends at least two hours practicing his flying every morning," Harry replied. "He'll be in, in a little while."

"I can't imagine putting in that much work to play a game," Hermione said.

"Work?" Harry asked. "It's really just an excuse to be able to fly. If I was him, not only would I be using that excuse, I'd also be adding another one for storms, claiming I need to practice in all sorts of weather."

"That's brilliant," Krum said, the Bulgarian seeker having crept up on them unnoticed as he was remarkably quiet on the ground. "With the storms at Durmstrang, that should easily get me another four hours of flying a week."

The twins scooted down to allow Krum room to join the group.

"And here comes McGonagall," Parvati noted from her seat next to Neville, holding his hand under the table.

"Mr. Potter," McGonagall greeted him, "I see your pessimistic view of your housemates was proven untrue."

"On the contrary," Harry began and then paused, "I don't think I've ever heard anyone use those three words outside a crime drama."

Hermione nudged him with her elbow while half the group burst out laughing.

"Anyway, the people sitting with me right now are the only ones who didn't accuse me of being a liar or cheat," Harry said seriously. "Mr. Weasley even told me I should be sitting at the Slytherin table since I'm not really a Gryffindor."

"Are they going to make an official announcement that Harry is innocent?" Cedric asked.

"Nothing has been planned," McGonagall admitted. "I was just coming over to give Mr. Potter his schedule," she explained.

"In other words no, they want people to believe I cheated to enter and spread lies about me as that will make me easier to manipulate," Harry said. "Remember the whole Heir of Slytherin fiasco?"

"The staff really should have said something about that," Hermione admitted.

"The majority of Gryffindor started eyeing me funny," Harry said, shaking his head. "Worse still, Dumbledore later told me he knew who the heir was, yet he never said a thing."

"I'm sure he had his reasons," McGonagall said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I really must go."

"Every year I go from hero to villain and back again," Harry said. "After the tournament is over, providing I'm still alive, I am seriously considering moving to America."

"B-but what about your schooling?" Hermione asked grabbing his hand, her mind clearly not on school for once.

"They have schools in America where we won't have to fight for our lives while doing our homework and I can easily afford international portkeys in case any of my friends want to come with me," he assured her.

"That..." Hermione thought about that for a moment. "That would be nice," she admitted. "I know it's affected our grades."

"Beauxbatons is just across the channel from London," Fleur pointed out.

"And thus will be embroiled in the war," Harry said. "I want to avoid fighting for my life when I should be studying, which means leaving Europe altogether."

"War?" Fred asked.

"What war?" George added.

"First and second year I prevented Voldemort's resurrection," Harry pointed out. "Without me here, someone else is going to have to do it and, well... most of the adults can't find their arse with both hands and the rest are all blaming me for everything under the sun. It's only a matter of time until he succeeds and we all know most of his Death Eaters are still loose, thanks to the ministry."

"You're not going to save us?" Lavender asked.

"Can't," Harry replied. "I seem to be doing ok against Voldemort, but I can't handle him, the Death Eaters, the Ministry, and most of the Wizarding World at once. I'm not Merlin."

"The Ministry?" Cedric asked.

"It's in Malfoy's backpocket and he's a Death Eater," Harry explained. "A single house elf showed me they are keeping a close watch on me ready to go after me at the slightest excuse and don't forget last year when the Minister refused to listen to our testimony about an escaped Death Eater and put out a kiss on sight order for my godfather who never even got a trial and all that is without even taking into account the number of times I was personally attacked by dementors."

"You are not joking?" Krum asked.

"He's really not," Hermione admitted.

"Even ignoring the yearly attempt on my life by the DADA professor, the staff of Hogwarts has been pretty bad as well. In my first year, I was sent into the Forbidden forest in the dead of night to track down what was killing unicorns," Harry said. "That was not the last time the staff here put me in dangerous situation, not by a long shot."

"Put like that, I think I would have left after your first year," Lavender admitted.

"This year I unmasked a Death Eater, revealed his plot in front of the entire school, and yet I am still being blamed by the majority of the students. I reflected back an attack in front of the Headmaster by someone he claims has his complete trust, and I've received no apology or even a simple visit to the school nurse to make sure I'm ok. All I'm waiting for now is to see how the Ministry treats the situation. If the Death Eater is questioned and the Ministry does its job, I'll consider staying, but if it silences Barty and covers up his crimes... I'm out of here."

"Sounds fair to me," Neville said.

"Aren't your guardians going to complain?" Fleur asked.

"My guardians are magic hating muggles, "Harry replied. "Pretty sure they'd wrestle a troll to be rid of my… freakishness."

"I've seen your relatives, if I could use magic outside of school, I'd check to make sure they weren't transfigured trolls," Hermione said.

"Less talking more eating, some of us have class," Parvati pointed out.

"Point," Harry agreed. He was satisfied with the seeds he'd planted, once Fudge arrived and demonstrated his usual level of incompetence, Harry would be free to leave and anyone trying to force him to stay would find little help among the wizarding world at large this time.

**Charms Class**

"Pardon?" Harry asked, confused.

"I said, the Ministry sent a couple of aurors to escort you, so you could give testimony against Crouch Jr," McGonagall repeated. "They've requested you be there for his questioning, as you seem to have the best idea of what he was here to do."

Lavender and Hermione exchanged glances and grinned at one another, which Harry caught.

Harry shook his head. "Don't look too happy you two, this means Lavender is going to be along on our yearly 'events' so Hermione, you better get to tutoring her," he teased.

"I only have to beat Ron," Lavender teased back. "My grades are already better than his."

"Grades don't matter, it's purely practical," Harry replied with a shrug. "I'll also have to take you to visit Hagrid and to see some of his 'friends' and then show you some of mine."

"Is it going to be life threatening?" Lavender asked.

"Some of it," Harry agreed. "We're going to need to know charms to repair tunnels, clean air, and possibly some to repel spiders, repair autos and... actually we also need some dragon hide gloves and a curse breaking manual."

"Didn't taking out the Death Eater pretending to be the DADA teacher take care of things this year?" Hermione asked.

"No, that was just the start," Harry said. "Most of it'll be all on me, but if I'm going to stay in England I want to get a jump on the next couple of years so we can finish it up before NEWTS."

"That's very thoughtful of you," Hermione said brightly.

"Mr. Potter," McGonagall reminded him she was there, making a mental note to stock up on headache potion in the near future.

"Right," Harry said. "See you two later," he promised before leaving with the Gryffindor head.

"Here, Miss Granger," Flitwick said, floating a scroll to her. "These spells should give you a head start on things. If you find yourself in need of help, remember my door is always open."

"Thank you professor, I appreciate that," Hermione said brightly, before class resumed and they worked on the stirring charm, a spell used by potions masters and cooks alike.

"Is it worth it?" Parvati asked quietly. "I mean, with the danger and all."

"If you had asked me yesterday, before Harry's name came out of the Goblet, I would have said yes, it certainly was," Hermione said, not looking up from the scroll she was reading.

Lavender saw the smirk Hermione was hiding and simply had to ask, "And now?"

Hermione raised her head and looked straight into lavender's eyes. "And now I would say it's worth it a dozen times over."

Lavender blushed and looked down, knowing she was part of the 'it' the bushy haired girl was referring to, even if Harry was the majority of it. Lavender began to grin as a thought struck her and she pulled out a blank piece of parchment and began to scribble down a number of things.

"What are you working on?" Hermione asked curiously.

"A list of spells and potions you and Harry need to work on as well," Lavender said. "Lockhart was a tremendous fraud, but he was brilliant in making himself look good physically and politically and 'that' I took a lot of notes in."

"That," Hermione sighed, "is an area I am deficient in."

"That's why there's three of us, so we can cover for each other's weak points," Lavender said, happy she found something she could contribute. "Live fast, die old, and leave a simply breathtaking corpse."

Hermione had to stifle her laugh in her sleeve.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	47. Minions 2

**Minions 2**

**YASEMF Chapter 39 - Minions 1**

Kakashi frowned; something had changed in the way his genin had been acting lately. He would almost say they were all acting withdrawn but Naruto seemed as cheerful as ever...

It wasn't until he was ready to dismiss them for the day that he realized what was wrong, Naruto didn't beg him for training or ask Sakura out as he was wont to do; instead he seemed to be looking forward to being dismissed. Come to think of it, he hadn't been complementing Sakura or asking her nearly as many questions lately, nor butting heads with Sasuke. Apparently those had been positive experiences for the two, which was obvious in retrospect, as it made Sakura feel attractive and gave Sasuke a chance to feel superior. Even without trying Naruto had been a source of positive feedback for the pair, which they were now missing.

"Not going to ask me to train you?" Kakashi asked Naruto, after he dismissed the team for the day.

"Would you actually train me if I asked?" Naruto replied suspiciously, Sakura and Sasuke both paused to see his response.

"You never know unless you try," Kakashi replied, smiling behind his mask.

"Would you train me?" Naruto asked cautiously.

"No, I'm busy," Kakashi replied cheerfully.

"Figured," Naruto said, completely unsurprised. "Well, things to do, bye."

Sakura and Sasuke both stood and stared as Kakashi and Naruto left, heading in opposite directions. Sakura considered asking Sasuke out, but he'd been pretty forceful in saying no the last time and she... wasn't really feeling all that attractive at the moment. She turned and walked off quietly. Sasuke frowned, something seemed to be missing lately but he was unsure what it was. After a moment he turned and walked off as well, he had training to do after all.

Kakashi dropped the genjutsu hiding him, satisfied that his theory was correct. The question of why Naruto was acting so different was easily guessed, he'd found someone to train him. At least this was an easy problem to solve, he'd simply spread the word that whoever was providing extra training to his genin was to stop doing so. He couldn't have something screwing up his Team's dynamics, too much depended on it.

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

Naruto opened the box containing the manuscript and the two books, picked them up, made a dozen clones and put everything away again.

"Remember -" one of the clones began.

"I know, get original paper and ink so I don't have my work dispel with you guys," Naruto grunted. Twice he'd accidentally used cloned ink or paper and lost a day's progress, something the clones wouldn't let him forget.

The clone's henged into variations of Naruto's classmates (minus any clan markings or traits) with the exception of his team mates. After two weeks of practice they'd gotten pretty adept at henging into various people and travelling to the clearing in the Training Ground 44 without raising a fuss or causing trouble.

It would have been quicker to run across rooftops, but Naruto knew that that would have raised interest in what he was doing, so he just kept to the ground. It wasn't that what he was doing was a secret or anything... it was just private. "Should I do physical work or work on the book?" Naruto asked when they arrived at the clearing, not sure himself which would be better.

"The Book," a blue eyed clone of Hinata said after discussing it with the others. "We think you're close to a breakthrough."

"I hope you're right," Naruto said with a grin as he pictured what he could do with the seal array he'd been working on... provided he'd translated it correctly anyway. If he'd read it right, it would open a vault filled with jutsu to learn and lots of valuables. A sealing array that he could use to access the same extra-dimensional space anywhere he scribed it was almost as valuable as the riches held in it, as with it he could smuggle nearly anything or if he was reading it right, anyone, with no scroll that could be lost or stolen.

"Ready?" a short haired clone of Ino asked.

Naruto winced. "Yeah," he agreed slowly.

"You know your parents probably abandoned you to avoid wasting time raising you," 'Ino' said with a sneer.

"Considering his grades in school, I think they made the right decision," 'Ami' added.

"A grade A loser that keeps crowing how he's going to be the next Hokage," Kiba agreed.

Naruto gritted his teeth as he let himself get angry, concentrating on the words and the feelings they evoked. "Got it," Naruto said with a sigh as he was handed a copy of the red book.

"Plus you don't smell all that good," Kiba continued.

"Arf," Akamaru added.

"When did I master a puppy henge?" Naruto asked in confusion.

"What henge?" Kiba asked. "I was practicing tracking and saw you were doing a round robin tear down of yourself, so I thought I'd help."

"Thanks," Naruto said rolling his eyes.

"Why were you doing that and why does your chakra smell ... different?" Kiba asked, confused.

"I need my angry chakra to read this book and I'm working on sealing," Naruto replied, most of his concentration on keeping ahold of his angry chakra while trying to decipher the red book.

"How does that work?" Kiba asked, keeping half an eye on the clones as they worked on different jutsu's and chakra control exercises.

"Don't know," Naruto admitted. "I just know this book doesn't make any sense unless I'm really angry or frustrated."

"Weird, but some jutsu are like that," Kiba replied. "Pretty sure activating the Sharingan requires shoving a stick up your ass."

"Naruto snorted and then groaned. "Dammit, you made me loose it!"

"No problem, I'll just piss you off again," Kiba said cheerfully.

"Erm, thanks?" Naruto offered.

"You know that pink haired, flat chested chick you are so into?" Kiba began.

"Yeah?" Naruto asked curiously.

"Soaks her panties whenever Sasuke is within three feet of her," Kiba told him. "I'm talking ready to mount in three seconds, while around you she dries up like fucking Suna."

Naruto frowned.

"You are like the ultimate mood killer," Kiba continued. "I swear girls get so dry around you that they suck in moisture from their surroundings. I actually had to bring a canteen to class when you attended."

Naruto started working on the book again.

**Half an hour later...**

"...you're in last place in size too," Kiba said. "I mean, I'm not a meat gazer, but we've all been in the public baths together and you are still bald as hell down there."

"Enough!" Naruto exclaimed, slamming the book shut hard enough to make it disperse in a cloud of smoke.

"You done already?" Kiba asked, unconcerned about Naruto's feral features or glowing red eyes.

Naruto took a deep breath and calmed down, slowly changing back to normal. "Yeah, I think I got it," he offered. "You have a gift for pissing me off."

"I have a gift for pissing everyone off," Kiba said proudly.

Naruto laughed. "Yeah, you're as good at that as I am at pranks."

"So what are you working on anyway?" Kiba asked.

"When I was younger, I heard Uzumaki's rocked at sealing," Naruto explained. "Old man Hokage promised to teach me when I got older. Turns out he wrote a book on it that he wants me to go through and look it over before he publishes it."

"But he didn't teach you yet?" Kiba asked.

"Nope," Naruto said proudly. "He left a personal sealing dictionary, a book that needs me to be mad to read, and the unpublished book that I have to check over. Sneaky Old Man is making me teach myself everything." Naruto laughed. "Turns out all the best seal masters are self-taught, so there you go."

"Cool," Kiba said. "But what did you finish just now, is what I was askin'."

"Oh, that. Well, part of what he wrote is based on stuff from the red book, but he didn't get more than a couple of pages into it," Naruto explained. "Being wha- erm, who I am, means I can read it a lot easier."

"Cool so what did you just finish?" Kiba asked.

Naruto grinned. "They got a seal called The Gatekeeper that can open a door to wealth and power," he explained. "It's like a sealing scroll that opens to a secret place no matter where you write it and someone has already filled it with money and jutsu!"

"Seriously?" Kiba asked. "Then what are you waiting for? Open that baby up!"

"I was planning on using the basement of my apartment building," Naruto said. "Carting a bunch of money through the village is bound to raise some eyebrows and tempt people to rob me or make me pay for past pranks."

"Good point," Kiba agreed. "I can watch tho', right?"

"Sure, but you gotta keep it to yourself," Naruto said.

"Swear!" Kiba swore with Akamaru barking in agreement.

"Okay, follow me!" Naruto said, as his clones poofed into smoke and he put away the scroll he was writing on.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Shouldn't we do this in your apartment?" Kiba asked. "Won't the civvies notice us carrying treasure up from the basement?"

"I don't have any civilian neighbors," Naruto replied. "My building is mostly empty, what I got is some ANBU who are retired from active service for various reasons."

"That makes it worse," Kiba complained. "We could sneak past civilians, ANBU is a whole 'nother matter."

"Retired ANBU," Naruto repeated. "They don't go poking their noses anywhere; they mostly hide out in their apartments and set traps everywhere."

"Seriously?" Kiba asked.

"Seriously," Naruto replied. "I got so good at traps because I had no choice! They set them everywhere but in my actual apartment... most of the time."

"That explains a lot," Kiba said.

"The good thing is I often get paid to run errands for them," Naruto said. "Of course sometimes the errands are traps," he said thoughtfully.

"I think I'll follow you in," Kiba said. "I didn't do so well at traps in the Academy."

"Probably a good idea," Naruto agreed.

**Seventeen trip wires, four pits and several explosions later...**

"And here we are," Naruto said, turning and finding a shaking and singed Kiba standing stiffly behind him. "What's wrong?"

"You go through that every day?!" Kiba exclaimed.

"Nah," Naruto waved it off, "that was pretty light, you should see how hard it is to get to the laundry room."

"Is that why you always the same orange jumpsuits?" Kiba asked.

"What? No." Naruto shook his head. "The jumpsuits are awesome, plus it makes them feel safer as I'm easy to see and can't be mistaken for an assassin. The last thing you want to do is surprise my neighbors, trust me on this."

"I believe it," Kiba said with a shiver.

"No one booby traps the basement, 'cause they figure it's dangerous enough on its own," Naruto said cheerfully.

"Pardon?" Kiba asked carefully.

**Typed by: Sitheus Maximus / Ipsith!**

**TN: Insomnia is your friend! Sleep is the enemy! Stay awake! Finish just… one… moar… level!**


	48. A sunny day in DC 2

**A Sunny Day in DC 2 **

**Part 1: YASTEMF CH 45**

"This is different," Kara said, dressed in a tie-dyed shirt with a pair of ripped Levis and a fringed leather jacket.

"That is the beauty of it," Xander agreed, dressed in a similar fashion. He handed her a pair of John Lennon glasses and a headband. "No one will associate this with your secret identity and makes it seem even less likely that you actually have a secret identity."

"Or at least throw confusion on the idea that you have a regular one," she said. "I can't believe no one has thought of this before."

"Most people go with what works and don't bother looking for another way or even a more effective method of doing something," Xander explained. "Me, I like to try new things."

The pair paid the cashier, who couldn't stop staring at them, still in shock at a pair of superheroes shopping at her store.

"The diner is only a ten minute walk from here," Kara said as they stepped out onto the sidewalk.

"We'll still fly," Xander said, "we aren't hiding what we are, we are just off duty at the moment."

"Oh yeah," she said with a bright smile.

"But fly like this," he told her with a grin, raising up into the air from a standing position and moving forward like he was on an invisible conveyor belt.

Kara joined him, noting they were attracting some attention, but that it quickly died out as nothing interesting happened. "This is kinda fun, but I bet it really slows you down."

"That's the point, we're off duty and not rushing," Xander replied. "We're relaxing."

They landed in front of the diner and he held the door open for her. "After you."

"Thank you, kind sir," she replied with a giggle.

"My pleasure," he replied. "Now, what shall we order?"

"Chili," she said seriously. "They have the best chili here."

The pair ordered their chili and talked.

"I actually had a solid idea of what your powers were before I was turned into a kryptonian, not to mention knowing about a number of possible alternate abilities," Xander explained.

"Alternate abilities?" Kara asked curiously.

"Kal is a good example for the basic power set, however different Kryptonians develop in different ways, just as humans do," he explained.

"But I have all the same powers as Kal, not one single difference," she said with a frown.

"And is that because you can't do anything different or because you never expected to be able to?" he asked.

"That is a very good question," she admitted.

"Have you guys had any bizarros here? If so, one of their trademark differences is fire breath and cryovision, but why is it that everything else is the same? I'll tell you why or better yet, I'll show you." Xander held up his water glass, lifted his glasses, and a beam of blue energy shot out of his right eye freezing the surface of the water over before he shot a red beam from out of his left eye melting it a second later. "All we are doing is accelerating molecular excitation or reducing it. It's a telekinetic skill that actually has nothing to do with the eyes at all." Xander dropped a finger in his water glass and ice formed around it. "Even the colored beams are just there because you expect it. It's a skill that Kal invented as a kid with the simple belief of red hot, blue cold, but what is hotter, a red flame or a blue one?"

"A blue one," Kara said in wonder.

"We are using telekinesis to bend light to make those colors, so if you want to you can use your heat vision without creating a red beam for everyone to see. Theoretically we should also be able to cloak ourselves so we're invisible, but I haven't figured out the trick to that," Xander said.

"Give me all the money in the register!" yelled a woman wearing a Nixon mask as she pointed a shotgun at the cashier.

"Your safety is on," Xander pointed out helpfully, as he waved for Kara to stay seated and stood up.

"No, it's-" the woman clicked the safety on her shotgun. "Now it's not!"

"Still on," Xander told her cheerfully. As she glanced down once more, he formed a green glowing ring on his right hand and connected a green glowing line to the safety on her gun, which he telekinetically locked on.

"Fuck me, a lantern!" she exclaimed, before nervously setting the gun down on the counter.

"Give up?" Xander asked just to make sure.

"I ain't fighting a green lantern!" she exclaimed. "I can't even get my tooth fixed, how am I supposed to fight you?!" She threw her hands up.

"Did you do all this because of a toothache?" he asked.

She sighed and took off her mask, revealing a young Hispanic girl. "Either I get the money and can afford a dentist or I get arrested and they give me one in jail, either way at least the pain's gone."

Xander X-rayed her jaw. "Couple of small cavities you should get taken care of, but it's the impacted wisdom teeth that are causing the most pain."

"Don't suppose a green lantern ring can't fix that," she said.

"I probably could, but I don't have a license to practice dentistry," Xander replied. "I can ease the pain a bit though," he said, extending a line of green energy into her mouth and cooling the tissue, while he subtly moved the teeth involved to lessen the pressure.

"Thanks," she said, sitting at the counter to wait for the police, looking greatly relieved.

Xander slid back into his booth across from Kara.

"You have a green lantern ring?!" she demanded.

He held up his hand and let the illusion of a green ring fade away. "No, but if you hum a few bars, I can fake it."

"Telekinesis, X-ray vision, and bending light," she guessed.

"One of my two main focuses was pushing my telekinetic skill in as many directions as possible. I have a Swiss army brain," he said proudly, making her laugh.

"Is it wrong I want to learn all that to play pranks and maybe show up Kal a little?" she asked.

"I'd be disappointed if you didn't," Xander replied.

"When can we get started?" Kara asked eagerly.

"As soon as we tip the waitress," he replied. "I'll start on recreating my home and show you the exercises I came up with to develop some of my powers."

"Recreating your home?" she asked curiously. "Did you make a Fortress of Solitude like Kal?"

Xander laid a couple of bills on the table. "Almost the opposite," he replied. "I raised an island in the Bermuda triangle and built an obsidian castle on it, surrounding it with a permanent fog bank and filling it with dinosaurs. I ended up with a large number of permanent guests, a number of them villains, for a variety of reasons."

Kara just stared at him, speechless.

"Excuse me, sir?" a police officer asked. "Could you give me your official statement, please?"

"Sure," Xander agreed, turning to the officer who was ready with pen and pad, while his partner cuffed the robber.

"The young women over there, driven mad by pain from dental issues, decided to hold up the diner with an unloaded shotgun in hopes the police would arrest her and get her some medical treatment," Xander replied. "I eased her pain, but she has impacted wisdom teeth and some cavities that need to be dealt with."

"I'll make a note of that," the officer promised. "Now, the owners said you were a green lantern?"

"That was just me playing around, I'm actually Kryptonian," Xander replied.

"Like Superman and Supergirl?" he asked, eying Xander's tie-dyed shirt doubtfully.

"We're off duty at the moment and eating lunch," Xander replied, floating upwards for a moment to demonstrate his power, "that means trying to blend in a bit."

"Makes sense," the officer agreed. "Superhero name?"

"I was going by Superman, but since that name is already in use here, call me… Superguy!"

"Superguy? Really?" Kara asked him in disbelief.

Xander shrugged. "I try not to take myself too seriously and I am not Superboy, so Superguy will do for now until I come up with something better."

"Works for me," the officer said. "I'll contact the Justice League if we need anything else. Thank you for your time."

"My pleasure," Xander replied.

"You are something else," Kara said, amused as they exited the diner. "Did you really recreate Kong island?"

"With the exception of giant monkeys, yes," Xander replied cheerfully. "I loved that movie when I was a kid, so I figured, why not?"

"A tropical island beats an ice fortress in my books," Kara agreed.

"Lots of sunlight," Xander agreed, "which is somewhat erratic at the poles during certain parts of the year."

"Also true," she agreed. "Ok, let's fly."

"You are in the swimming position again," Xander pointed out, as they leapt into the sky.

"Habit," she admitted, as she took in his flying position which looked like he was sitting in a recliner with his feet up and mimicked it with a grin. "This is fun."

"For your first lesson, picture the shape of a hyper velocity craft and imagine it around you," he told her.

"That's easy-" she began before vanishing with a crack as she went supersonic.

Xander chuckled and waited for her to return, which she did several seconds later.

"What was that?!" she demanded, back in her normal flying position.

"That was you altering your telekinetic aura into something more aerodynamic, so the amount of power you use to fly at this speed was greatly reduced, sending you rocketing forward," he said cheerfully.

"It's that simple?" she asked in disbelief.

"Some of it," he agreed. "Flight is just willing yourself to move and pouring on the power to increase the speed, relying on your physical position to cut down on wind resistance. However if you watch most flyers during re-entry you'll notice the rounded edges of the air catching fire around them not the jagged edges and eddies you should see from people with admittedly interesting curves that are in no way aerodynamic."

"People subconsciously streamline their flight aura, even the Lanterns, who should really know better," she said in understanding.

"Exactly," he agreed. "Rounded helps, but advanced engineering helps more. Just remember that projecting your field outwards like that can create some very sharp edges."

"Yeah," she said absently as she copied Xander's position and carefully recreated her mental image of a shaped field around her, drastically cutting the amount of power she needed to fly at their current speed. "Whoa!"

"Almost effortless," he said, guessing what she was doing. "But like I said, beware sharp edges. I tried using it to speed up my movement rate while on foot and accidently disarmed a guy. Thankfully it was easy to reattach his limbs, but that kind of thing makes you learn caution."

"I imagine it would," she agreed, shaking her head.

"We're here?" Xander said, stopping in midair and looking at the island under them in surprise.

"Paradise Island?" Kara asked, as they landed.

"This is, or rather was, an open stretch of water where I come from," Xander explained. "I built an island here."

"Well here is the home of the Amazons and has been for thousands of years," Kara told him.

"Well... darn," Xander said. "Since it's inhabited, I'll just have to build my home elsewhere."

"I can't see the Amazons too happy with you building a castle here," Kara agreed.

"Halt, trespassers!" someone ordered in ancient Greek.

Xander telekinetically erased his footprints and folded his legs under him so he was sitting Indian style in midair.

A trio of Amazons sprinted down the beach to reach them, on spotting Xander one called out, "No man may set foot..." her voice trailed off as she saw he was floating and a quick scan showed no footprints save the female's by his side.

"Kara Zor-el," Kara introduced herself in the same language, "I'm a friend of Diana's. We were searching for an open stretch of ocean and came here by mistake."

"Can you please set foot on the ground so I may arrest you?" the blonde guard asked hopefully. When everyone turned to look at her, she said, "What? I'm bored and searching him for weapons could be fun."

Kara glared at the blonde, making her shrink back. "Anyway, as this is the wrong place, we'll just take our leave," Kara said, grabbing Xander by the back of his pants and shooting up into the sky.

"Wedgie!" Xander cried as they vanished.

"Search him for weapons," Artemis said rolling her eyes.

"Like you wouldn't enjoy searching Kara?" Aphrodite asked with a smirk.

"Fair enough," Artemis agreed.

Athena sighed. "Did the both of you forget why we came down here?"

"I don't believe you told us," Artemis said pointedly.

"It's true," Aphrodite agreed. "You just told us to finish up what we were doing and come with you."

"Ah," Athena said blushing in embarrassment. "Well, there's a prophecy…"

"There is always a prophecy," Artemis said with a shrug. "My brother makes them all the time, doesn't mean they're all that important. He made one this morning about what he'd have for lunch."

"But this one is important!" Athena whined.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Ow!" Xander groaned.

"Oops!" Kara blushed. "Sorry about that, but we really don't need to get tangled up in their literally medieval legal system, especially when they have magic to back it up."

"A very good point," Xander agreed, while adjusting his pants.

"Plus, even if we are just on a get-to-know-you date rather than a romantic one, other women should not be undressing you during it," Kara said.

"True, that is fifth year married date material," he said.

"Fifth year married?" she asked.

"When a couple decides to try new things, usually involving the babysitter, unless porn has been lying to me all these years." He stroked his chin. "Nah, ridiculous idea of course it's true."

Kara laughed so hard she snorted, and then covered her face in embarrassment.

Xander ignored it. "Ok, new plan. I'll make a volcanic island in the arctic sea using geothermal energy to make it feel tropical and create the ever-present fog bank to keep out trespassers."

"You are going to carve a giant skull into the side of the volcano, aren't you," she guessed gleefully.

"With the eyes lit up from the magma chamber within," he agreed rubbing his hands together. "Last time I picked up most of my dinosaurs from a hidden land near one of the poles. Do you have one like that here or do I have to clone them from fossilized DNA?"

"Yes we do, and how do you clone fossilized DNA?" she asked.

"It requires equal parts brilliance and bullshit," he replied, as they resumed their flight. "And since you still have dinosaurs, it's not important."

"So, what do you do for fun when you aren't creating incredibly clichéd islands?" she asked.

"I discover new uses for my powers, do a lot of repair work and construction in areas that need it but can't afford it, and study various things that catch my eye," he replied. "You?"

"Between school and the league, I don't have much free time," she admitted. "Hard to have hobbies when simply living your life takes up most of your time."

"Well, if you aren't enjoying your life, you are clearly doing it wrong," he told her. "Me personally, I enjoy improving the economy, thus lowering crime and making people's lives better. The trick is not to do too much that they become dependent on you. I also make sure to take time off so I don't risk burnout, like a lot of people do."

"How do you fit superheroing in there?" she asked.

"No secret identity means I have a lot more time," Xander replied. "Plus my heroing is a lot more... limited I guess you could call it. See, I don't go after victimless crime, I only assist the police when it's something beyond their capabilities, and finally I try and eliminate the reason someone becomes a villain rather than putting them in jail over and over."

"And that works?" she asked in disbelief.

"Using a pint of Wade Wilson's blood allowed me to heal the Sandman's step daughter. He stopped all criminal behavior and got a job with the government," Xander said proudly. "I care more about what's moral than legal, and I accept that sometimes you have to do immoral things to prevent worse things from happening. I'm not saying the end justifies the means all the time, but I'd rather compromise my morals than let a bunch of people die."

"And how do you know when you're doing the right thing if you are breaking laws and doing things you consider immoral?" she asked, confused.

"Often you don't," he admitted. "A lot of the time, in those situation, you won't know until everything is over and maybe not even then." He sighed. "It's why I work to fix things and people rather than break them, it's a lot less morally ambiguous."

"I am so glad the stuff I deal with has been pretty straight forward," Kara said. "I think only the senior members of the league have had to make those calls."

"Most of the time I had nothing like the league to fall back on and the people in power were too often too corrupt to rely on," Xander explained. "I had to reduce the number of 'metas' on earth by close to twelve percent and forcibly deport a number of illegal aliens to reduce worldwide tensions and prevent a war."

"That was one of your morally questionable decisions?" she asked gently, figuring he needed someone to lean on.

"Nah, that one was straight forward and easy," Xander said cheerfully. "The metas were happy, the general public was happy, the aliens... ok they were pissed, but they were invaders anyway."

"What was one of your questionable ones, then?" she asked.

"I had to go back in time, spike the punch at a cast party, to get nude photos of the stars," Xander replied, as he scanned the ocean floor.

"That... is not something I expected you to say," she admitted. "Did you get the pictures?"

"Those pictures did the job I needed them for and then some," Xander said. "All it cost me was half a gallon of Everclear and a slap in the face from an old woman a decade later."

"And was it worth it?" she asked curiously.

"A young girl got out of the hospital and a concerned father cried tears of joy," Xander replied.

"Sounds worth it to me," Kara said with an encouraging grin.

"Says someone who has never been bitch slapped by Betty White," Xander said with a shudder.

"Aren't you invulnerable?" she asked.

"No one is that invulnerable," Xander said seriously. "This looks like a good place," he said, changing the subject. "Mind holding my clothes while I do this?"

"Sure," Kara began before watching stunned as a naked Xander dove into the arctic waters.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel!**


	49. A sunny day in DC 3

**A Sunny Day in DC 3**

Xander had tried to follow the same pattern as before, however he'd apparently hit a weak point in the crust and raised an island much larger than he'd intended or possibly it was due to the fact that he'd raised four smaller volcanos around the island to make tapping them for energy more convenient.

Kara stared in disbelief as Xander raised an island the size of Hawaii. She was so shocked she didn't even help as he raced around freezing the various tidal waves he'd set off. Whatever he had planned she was sure this wasn't it, as he blurred around at high speed shaping lava and... carving angular letters inside the mouth of each volcano?

Xander dropped the wardstones he'd attached to each volcano, a dozen miles out from the edges of the island. It was a simple warding scheme, well simple according to Stephen Strange, that warmed the waters and forced the volcanos into dormancy as a side effect. That done, he attacked the mammoth volcano in the center of his island. The mouth of it was nearly 3 miles across and it was still spitting magma. Taking a deep breath, he dove straight down into the magma and sent a wave of cold out to plug the main vent from the top of the volcano. Racing to the surface before it could cool around him he took advantage of the abundant magma and his own cryokinesis to recreate the castle of Badassitude and level off the ground around it, creating a plateau of obsidian topped by the castle that Stephen had designed as a teen and then improved as an adult.

Covered in cooling rock and coated in ash, he rejoined Kara. "I don't feel any stronger than I was before I came here, but that was much too easy. I was shooting at a hundred square miles maximum."

"You overshot the mark on that," she said, amused.

Superman appeared in a flash of light. "Kara, what are you doing here? And why are you naked?" he demanded on seeing Xander.

"I was building an island and I didn't feel like getting my clothes covered in ash and magma," Xander replied. "Kara was kind enough to hold them for me."

"Setting aside the subject of the island for the moment, you should not be exposing yourself to my baby cousin," Superman said firmly.

"Exposing myself..." Xander just stared at Kal for a moment before turning to Kara. "Is he suffering from a mental problem I am unaware of?"

"Not that I know of," Kara replied, a bit annoyed with Kal and curious about what Xander would do next. "Why?"

"He is aware that we are all Kryptonians, right? And that we don't wear lead clothing?" Xander asked.

"Is this another 'red hot, blue cold' misconception?" Kara asked intently.

"It's very rude to talk about me as if I wasn't here," Kal pointed out.

"True, but in this case, we are speaking... around you for a reason," Xander said. "I believe we can drop it and speak directly, as I think I know what has occurred and which misconception you are operating under."

"Would you mind getting dressed first?" Superman asked.

"Not a problem, though what I have to say is going to... let me just get dressed and then I'll explain," Xander said, dropping into the ocean to clean off before returning for his clothes.

Superman covered Kara's eyes while he dressed, much to her amusement.

"Why are you dressed like that anyway?" Kal asked curiously, looking at their hippie style outfits.

"Going out as yourself while not in costume, but rather casual civilian clothes, helps make people wonder if you even have a secret identity and helps your mental stability too as only being yourself while in a costume can screw with you mentally," Xander explained.

"There may be something to that," Kal admitted as he thought about his friend Bruce.

"But back on topic. Do you believe that our ability to see through objects actually involves X-rays?" Xander asked.

"I've thoroughly tested it," Kal said. "I bounce X-rays, projected from my eyes, off an object revealing its internal structure."

"Yes and no," Xander said. "Don't get me wrong, I intentionally call it X-ray vision and mentally use that as a crutch to prevent needless distractions, but our eyes don't work like that."

"I'm listening," Kal said, as he realized Xander was waiting for a response.

"Our eyes can see particles that pass through solid matter, a lot of particles, not just X-rays," Xander explained. "We naturally see these particles and there is no on or off switch. Much like with our hearing, we learn to block off ninety percent of it, but it's still capturing it all in full color detail in our photographic memories. Just because we push the information down below conscious recall doesn't mean it's not there. I'm willing to bet a lot of 'hunches' you get are actually just subconscious information bubbling up."

"And the fact that I actually expel X-rays from my eyes while using it?" Kal asked doubtfully.

"A variation of molecular excitation which you call heat vision," Xander replied.

"I... will have to test that theory later," Kal said with a frown as he decided that enlisting J'onn would probably be necessary. "Now, back to the island. Why did you build it?"

"Because I need a home and I've had experience building an island," Xander replied. "Plus I need a lot of space for my conservation efforts. You have a plant elemental called Poison Ivy in Gotham, right?"

"Yes, however she's a criminal," Kal warned.

"There's not exactly a lot of crimes she can commit out here," Xander pointed out. "From what I've read of her, her problems are mainly caused by feedback from plants being poisoned and destroyed by mankind. Just giving her a timeout far away from that feedback should help with her mental stability."

"Have you considered the effects on shipping?" Kal asked. "Several shipping lines go right through where your island now sits."

"Already taken care of," Xander assured him. "See the ring of fog around the island? If you enter it on one side, you exit it on the other. It will actually save them a little time and fuel."

"How does that work?" Kara asked curiously.

"Magic," Xander replied. Seeing their shocked expressions, he laughed. "We have two main weaknesses, Kryptonian things and magic, why wouldn't I study it to fix that? Avoiding it doesn't make it cease to exist, it just makes us ignorant of the danger."

"That makes sense," Kara said thoughtfully. "Chalk that up to yet another thing you'll have to teach me."

"I'll submit a report to the League so they can register ownership of the island to you," Kal said. "I do have to wonder about your taste in housing though," he remarked as he looked at the obsidian castle.

"Think Kong Island," Kara suggested, "and early morning monster movies."

Kal took another look at the castle and had to suppress a laugh. "Ahem, I see," he said. "It was nice meeting you Xander, but I have to go. Kara, I'll see you at dinner, bye." He vanished, flying at speeds the pair had yet to even touch.

Kara rolled her eyes. "That was his subtle way of saying he expects me back at home by dinner and will be checking up on me."

"You could invite me to dinner," Xander suggested.

"I could, but that involves revealing secret identities and other people's secrets," she replied with a sigh, pouting slightly.

"In that case, we'll have to end our date here and we can meet up some other time when you're free," Xander told her, noting that she was trying and failing to keep her eyes on his face and covering it with a blink, that did nothing at all to hide her blush. He extended his hand and she shook it.

"I'll take you up on that," she promised. She almost leaned in to kiss his cheek, but chickened out at the last moment and instead gave him a smile and vanished in a blur of speed.

Xander turned back to his island, a big grin on his face. "Ok, let's get to work."

Collecting the ice, created by freezing the waves he'd set off raising the island, he dropped them on the smoldering rock, creating massive clouds of steam that blanketed the area and mixed with the volcanic ash in the air causing it to start raining. The grey rain cooled the surface of the rock to something below the ignition point of wood.

"Do I need topsoil or sand first?" Xander asked himself. "Sand is easier and I don't want to cook the topsoil. Sand it is."

He shot straight up into the edge of space. Scanning the seas from the upper edge of the atmosphere so he could refill his depleted energy levels, he noticed how much stronger he felt and how much quicker he recharged. "Probably a universal quirk," he decided.

Spotting a large number of abandoned ships run aground in the middle east, he flew down and hollowed out a super tanker, scouring the insides with sand to remove all remaining traces of fuel. Picking up the giant steel container, he flew inland and set it down miles from nowhere. Sitting on the edge, he constructed a ramp of sand and using telekinesis to create sand sculptures of his friends and other familiar faces that climbed the ramp and dove into the container, bursting apart as they hit the bottom.

"I do not know you," a voice said, from right behind Xander, who squeaked and lost control, the figures he'd animated slumping into piles and the container falling over, dumping him into the sand as well. Xander stood up and brushed himself off, before turning and seeing who had snuck up on him.

"Your pardon, I did not mean to startle you, I was simply inquiring as to what you were doing on my island," Black Adam said, floating down to land next to Xander.

"Collecting sand... is it Majesty or Highness?" Xander asked. "I don't often deal with rulers without their helpers giving me cue cards on how to act."

Black Adam smiled slightly. "Either will do. Now, who are you and what are you doing?"

"Well your majesty, I am Xander Harris and I am collecting sand, not buried treasures or hidden tombs, not that I checked. I am collecting sand so I can make a beach, though if you'd prefer I didn't, I can go elsewhere."

"I have no objections," Black Adam decided. "How much sand will you be needing?"

"Somewhere between a dozen and twenty loads," Xander replied. "I haven't measured it as I can always adjust the amount on the fly."

"That would create a rather large hole in the landscape," Black Adam noted. "If there were a way to shore up the sides sufficiently, it would make an excellent reservoir."

"I can handle that as well, your majesty," Xander offered. "I can turn the sand to glass and create a wall about three feet wide and a hundred feet deep as I walk the ground."

"Please do so," Black Adam said.

Xander nodded and started walking, reaching through the soles of his moccasins to affect the sand beneath. It took a fair bit of concentration at first, but once he'd realized he could transfer the heat from section to section rather than heating and cooling each in turn, it sped up quickly until he was jogging at a fair pace.

Black Adam brushed some sand away from the ground where Xander had walked after he'd returned, revealing the glass beneath. "Impressive work."

"Thank you, your majesty," Xander replied. "I was thinking of using obsidian blocks to build a waist high wall on top of it. That would not only prevent sand from pouring in but would also contrast nicely, making it look more visually striking."

"But where would we get that great an amount of obsidian?" Black Adam asked.

Xander waved a hand and sand flowed into the hollowed out super tanker like water as it righted itself. "From a volcanic island, your Majesty, the very same one I am building the beach on."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"What is he doing?" Flash said aloud as he watched the pair on the monitor.

"Collecting sand," Batman replied, making Flash jump.

"Where did you come from?!" Flash demanded.

"It looks to be a simple trade," Batman replied, ignoring his question, "assuming he is actually accepting something for the sand itself."

"Isn't Black Adam supposed to stay home?" Flash asked.

"He isn't supposed to operate outside the borders of Kahndaq," Batman agreed, "however, this looks to be a simple trade agreement for something within his borders and is unlikely to be contested."

"Why would someone trade lava bricks for sand?" Flash asked as the monitors caught up with the pair on Xander's island. "I'm pretty sure he could make sand with crushed lava."

"Aesthetics," Batman replied easily, "a white sand beach would look much more striking with all the obsidian around."

"And what does Black Adam get out of it?" Flash asked. "I doubt he wants to build a spooky castle too."

"I'm unsure," Batman admitted. "But we'll probably see it shortly at the speed the pair are working at."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Your skills impress me," Black Adam complimented Xander as he fused a load of obsidian blocks to the glass wall beneath them, completing almost half of the boundary.

"It's more power than skill," Xander replied, as he refilled the empty tanker with sand. "If I had enough skill I could transmutate matter and wouldn't need to move things around, using brute force."

"If you don't mind me asking, what is the source of your power? Are you meta or an alien? Blessed by the gods or related to one?" he asked curiously.

"Human turned into a Kryptonian by a capricious god as a prank," Xander replied as they took to the air with another load of sand.

"Really?" Black Adam said in surprise. "Yet I've seen no feats of great strength or use of heat vision, which would certainly be called for in your present task."

"They have a lot more power than me and as a result simply rely on brute force even more than I do," Xander replied, as he sat on the prow of the tanker as he was telekinetically moving.

"Your use of powers is so wildly divergent, I never would have guessed you were one," Black Adam said. "So Superman and Supergirl could accomplish the same feats as you, they just don't bother?"

"More they don't know they can, your Majesty," Xander replied. "I experimented heavily with my powers and worked hard to gain the skills I have, rather than simply mimicking Superman. I would often exhaust my supply of solar energy and study magic while I recovered."

"You're a wizard?" Black Adam questioned carefully.

"Hardly a wizard, but since one of my major weaknesses is magic, I learned all I could about it." Xander dumped the sand onto the ground below him before they turned to the side vent of the central volcano to collect more obsidian. "My natural inclination is to build and protect, so the bulk of my knowledge is defensive."

"A wise decision," Black Adam said, with a pleased nod.

"I also seem to have a talent for runes, though my skill in it is amateurish," Xander grabbed a handful of lava and made a ball of it, before carving a simple angular letter in it and cooling it down. "This is a rune from a set similar to common Nordic ones known today. If you carve it into a rock and empower it, it'll enhance your ability to see for roughly... twelve hours."

"How does one empower a rune?" Black Adam asked, choosing a handful of lava that was already half way cooled and relying on speed to duplicate Xander's actions.

"You should be able to just will energy into it," Xander explained, impressed with the skill Black Adam had demonstrated.

Closing his hands about the rock and closing his eyes for a moment, Black Adam concentrated and both his eyes and the rock glowed gold a second later. Opening his eyes, he looked around. "It's almost too much," he noted, a small smile on his face as his already enhanced vision was increased by an order of magnitude.

"Breaking the rune will break the spell," Xander advised him. "Of course, this is just the most basic use of it. The best use I've found is coupling it with another rune so it reveals things like magic, malicious supernatural entities, or electrical activity." Xander sketched a copy of each rune in the air with light as he named them.

"Does it take much more power to empower?" Black Adam asked, breaking the rock in two and blinking as his vision returned to normal.

"Four times as much with each additional rune," Xander replied. "With skill and knowledge you can make it cost less, but I lack both at the moment. I use them because they are simple and useful, you simply have to have the magic to empower them and be touched by the gods, otherwise you won't be able to recall them once they are no longer in your line of sight."

"Does it have to be obsidian?" Black Adam asked curiously, seeing many uses for it.

"No, it's simply the best material for holding a charge," Xander replied. "Precious metals are also pretty popular, but avoid fragile materials like sandstone and Jello."

"Jello?" Black Adam asked.

"I figured it'd be easy to break if something went wrong while practicing new runic setups," Xander replied. "Instead it ended with a thin layer of Jello everywhere!"

Black Adam chuckled, unable to stop himself from picturing Xander covered in soot and Jello from an exploded experiment.

"Fortunately the magic user I was learning from found it amusing as well," Xander said, shaking his head. "Wish I'd had more time to learn from him, but the majority of his time was spent fighting evil wizards from other dimensions that were trying to invade."

"Would that our 'wizard' were similar," Black Adam said.

"Isn't your wizard the Merlin knockoff who is pants on head retarded?" Xander asked, as he recalled some of the wizard Shazam's backstory.

"Pants on head retarded?" Black Adam asked slowly.

"Ego so big he makes people call his name to receive the gifts that the gods have chosen to bestow, thinking he knows better than the gods, who should be empowered, and often falls for the most obvious traps ever? That wizard?" Xander asked.

"I believe so, yes," Black Adam said with a grin. "I don't believe I've heard the description 'pants on head retarded' before, but that is an apt description."

"It's not exactly politically correct," Xander admitted, "but never ascribe to maliciousness what can be explained by stupidity and considering some of his decisions?"

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"It's a reservoir," Mr. Terrific said, as he joined Batman and Flash in the monitor room.

"Aww I was hoping to guess it before Bats did," Flash complained.

"Anything of interest to report?" Mr. Terrific asked as he started his shift.

"Not particularly," Batman replied. "We've been monitoring the movements of Black Adam and the new Kryptonian, as they've interacted. How did you come to the conclusion that it was a reservoir?"

Mr. Terrific tapped his temple. "I'm monitoring all maritime communications and the coast guard just reported that they've just removed a large iceberg that was in the shipping lanes."

"I knew they were taking too long to arrive," Flash said as the pair appeared on screen, setting a mammoth iceberg in the glass and obsidian lined artificial lake.

"Profile?" Batman requested.

"Not nearly enough data to get an accurate read on him," Mr. Terrific replied.

"Why didn't you ask my opinion?" Flash complained.

"What's your opinion of him?" Mr. Terrific asked.

"Not enough info, ask me again in an hour," Flash said before vanishing in a burst of speed.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

***SPLASH***

Xander turned around, but saw nothing but ripples in the water. Shrugging, he went back to spreading the sand evenly along the shore.

The Flash ran through the fog again and again, only to find himself facing the island each time. After a few thousand more attempts to escape, he eventually gave up and appeared in front of Xander. "Ok, I give, how do I get out of here?"

"How did you get in?" Xander asked curiously.

"I used the Watchtower's teleporters to drop down next to you, but then I landed in the water and it's hard to get respect when you are half soaked," Flash explained. "So I decided to go clean up and meet you later, but every road leads to Eldorado here!"

"I think that's supposed to be Rome," Xander said.

"I prefer the Road to Eldorado, it was a good movie," Flash said.

"It was good, but it was Emperor's New Groove good, not Beauty and the Beast good," Xander replied.

"True," Flash agreed, joining Xander as he walked along the beach. "How are you doing that?"

"This?" Xander asked, waving a hand and smoothing out another pile of sand.

"Yeah, that," Flash agreed. "I'm not seeing any superspeed or huge burst of wind."

"Telekinesis," Xander replied. "It's easier than blowing sand everywhere and a lot more precise."

"Cool. And why can't I leave?" Flash asked.

"Folded space," Xander replied. "This island is in folded space so that it doesn't block traffic, get unannounced visitors, or allow prisoners to escape."

"Prisoners?! When did you get prisoners?" Flash demanded.

"I haven't got any yet," Xander replied, "but with the number of super villains running around the planet, I'm willing to bet I'll end up with a few again."

"How'd you end up with them last time?" Flash asked.

"I was the only person who could contain them," Xander replied, "plus some of them actually preferred staying on my island to being criminals. Dr. Conners didn't have to worry about turning into the Lizard and eating people. The Vulture just loved the fact that he could fly with pterodactyls or lounge on the beach."

"Pterodactyls?" Flash asked.

"It's a volcanic island surrounded by a permanent wall of fog," Xander pointed out.

"Yeah, dinosaurs are almost a requirement," Flash agreed.

"Exactly," Xander said. "Really, the only exits from the island were by permission or to colonize Mars."

"Back up. Colonize Mars?" Flash asked.

"I was terraforming Mars, because I could and it provided a safe haven for those that were persecuted for being metas and a good home for people who just didn't fit in with modern society for one reason or another," Xander explained.

"Were dinosaurs involved?" Flash asked.

"Not yet, but I planned for them to have their own dome as well," Xander admitted.

"Domes are the way to go for immediate occupancy," Flash said thoughtfully. "It might be safer to build underground colonies to start though."

"I had some powerful New God type technology that required them to be on the surface for the environmental controls to work," Xander explained.

"Are you going to terraform Mars?" Flash asked.

"Probably. I want to clear it with J'onn first of course," Xander replied.

"Are those diamonds?!" the Flash asked as they reached the end of the beach.

"You get a lot of them when you set off volcanos," Xander said. "Carbon is pretty common so they're only really worth something when you have a corrupt group of businessmen limiting supply."

"Well if you don't want them, can I have some?" he asked hopefully, as he stared at the glittering stones scattered about the rock and ash.

"Help yourself to a handful," Xander said, only to find himself talking to air.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"So I hear you met a young man today," Jonathan 'Pa' Kent said as he passed the mashed potatoes to Clark.

"Yes, I did," Kara agreed. "He was polite, didn't try to take any liberties, and was perfectly respectful."

"Not including stripping in front of you," Clark added.

"To dive into lava!" Kara quickly said, before anyone could get the wrong idea. "And did you look into what he said about our eyes?"

"What did he say about your eyes?" Martha 'Ma' Kent quickly asked before Pa could start in.

"He said that we don't need to use 'X-ray vision' to see through solid objects and that we were doing it all the time, but repressing the knowledge of it," Kara said.

"Sounds like a line to me," Pa said.

"Well Clark?" Kara asked. "Is it a line?"

"No... it's not," Clark admitted. "With J'onn's help, I tested it and he was correct, unfortunately."

"Why unfortunately?" Martha asked.

"Because that means I have full color stereographic naked images of everyone I've ever seen in my skull," Clark replied. "Even if I can repress what I'm consciously seeing, they are still there."

"I can see how that would be off putting," Pa admitted.

"Sometimes I feel like I live in a world full of nudists," Kara said solemnly. "Always taking care not to see something, see someone!"

Clark groaned. "Am I never going to live that speech down? I was trying to psyche out Darkseid."

Ma giggled and Pa had a hard time keeping a straight face.

"It was a good speech," Kara admitted, "but I'm still going to tease you about it. Especially when you are trying to interfere in my personal life for no reason!"

"He's just trying to protect you," Pa said. "I know you can normally protect yourself, but this boy you met is Kryptonian as well."

"One, I am stronger than him," Kara said firmly, "and two... I don't think it's too much to ask that I get first shot at any boy whose fingers won't break, just because I got a little excited!"

Clark and Pa Kent winced at the memory of Kara's first, and only, serious boyfriend and how that had turned out. Ma simply patted her hand and gave her a sympathetic look.

"We just worry is all," Pa said. "He could be some smooth talker simply looking to get into your pants, using lines like 'it's for the sake of our species' or 'since there are so few of us it's best we find out if we're compatible before getting emotionally involved."

Kara tilted her head, looking thoughtful rather than angry.

"He could claim he needs a lot of physical contact, because you're the only person he's met who he can touch and not worry about harming," Clark added.

Kara nodded. "Thanks, I appreciate you telling me that. Now if you all don't mind, I think I'll turn in early, tomorrow promises to be a busy day," she said, giving Clark and Pa a big smile.

"You go right ahead, dear," Pa said instantly. "I know it's been an emotional day for you."

"I'll take care of the dishes," Clark added.

"Thanks," Kara said brightly, before hurrying upstairs.

"I think we got through to her," Pa said, relieved.

"I'm just glad she still listens," Clark said with a relieved sigh.

"Oh, she listened alright," Ma said, amused. "I'd listen too, if the men in my family gave me surefire lines to use on a boy."

Clark and Pa Kent exchanged defeated looks, making Ma burst out laughing.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	50. A sunny day in DC 4

**A Sunny Day in DC 4**

**A Sunny Day in DC 1: YASMEF 45**

**A Sunny Day in DC 2: YASEMF 48**

**A Sunny Day in DC 3: YASEMF 49**

Waking up, Xander stretched and put his feet on the floor. "Ahh, heated floors, the best reason to build a stone castle on top of a live volcano." His bedroom was completely devoid of furniture so he'd simply slept in the air at the approximate height of where is bed would be once he'd bought one.

'I need to carve the sides of the volcano to catch rainwater for freshwater lakes and waterfalls, then I need to stock those pools with fish and plants,' Xander reminded himself. 'In fact, I need plants first, so let's go get the May Queen.'

Taking to the skies over the island, Xander was pleased to see the air clear of ash and most of the ground had stopped steaming, having cooled enough that the rain collected in puddles on the bare stone. Satisfied, he flew straight up, keeping an eye out for satellites, as he reached the edge of the atmosphere and soaked up the unfiltered solar rays. It only took a couple of minutes before Xander felt 'full' and he descended once more.

Wearing hippie clothes and sitting indian style he zipped through the early morning sky to hover over Gotham and scanned the city. He found what he was looking for almost immediately and after stopping three murders, eighteen felonies, and two suicides, he landed outside a greenhouse. He silently jogged a ten foot circle around it before stepping inside the circle and taking to the skies with it, leaving a perfectly circular hole in the ground, the sides fused like glass.

Adjusting the inertia of the load he was carrying to prevent it from jarring as he tore the sound barrier was a bit tiring, but not as tiring as it had been the first dozen times he'd done it. No, the hard part came as he was landing.

Choosing the east side of the island, where it looked like an extensive set of hot springs were forming, he slowly lowered the greenhouse, extending his aura under it to carve out a section of rock that he ground up into black sand that slithered out of the way, allowing the greenhouse to settle into place, without even a bump. Using the black sand as an abrasive, he smoothed out any sharp edges hidden under the steaming water nearby, creating rounded edges and complete ledges to sit on. Satisfied that the hot springs would be usable, he left a layer of sand to help filter the water.

A mile away from the greenhouse and the springs, he broke off what he estimated was a lake sized section of rock and cut it into a large pile of bricks, setting them to the side, before taking to the upper atmosphere to recharge a bit. He cracked his neck and enjoyed the renewed energy as he considered his next chore. Having cleared out any dangerous icebergs already, Xander looked for a smaller one that he could handle himself. He located one, just the right size and dropped down, the flames of reentry surrounding him for a moment before he found himself encased in a green bubble.

"Relax, I got you," Guy Gardner said.

Xander turned to look at him. "Okay, I'll bite, why do you got me?"

"Erm," Guy Gardner looked slightly embarrassed as he realized what he'd done. "I see a guy in civilian clothes on fire and well..."

Xander pointed at Guy and said a word that was dry sand and dusty air, making Guy gasp and scratch his scalp furiously as he grew a foot of hair.

"What the hell?!" he demanded, dropping the bubble around Xander.

"I see a bowl cut, I ruin a bowl cut," Xander replied with a grin. "Unless you want to repel girls, bowl cuts are out."

"I do fine!" Guy snapped back.

"Name one guy with a bowl cut that girls go wild for!" Xander demanded. "You can't! Because girls like buff guys with either a full head of hair or bald in some cases."

"Like some damn hippie knows more about women than I do," Guy grumbled, trying to push his hair out of his face as they hovered in the upper atmosphere.

"I'm not a hippie," Xander replied, using his telekinesis to braid Guy's hair. "I'm dressed like this because it made a girl I like smile and because it's completely different than my normal outfit."

Xander's actions hadn't gone unnoticed. "A braid?! Are you telling me a braid is manly?!" Guy demanded, following Xander down, as he pulled at his new hair style.

"The Norse God of Thunder, Thor, wears his hair like that," Xander said.

"Seriously?" Guy deadpanned.

"Viking hair styles were wild, they didn't have time to get haircuts, they were busy men."

"Maybe," Guy allowed. "Doesn't mean I want long hair."

Xander landed on the iceberg he'd chosen and raised it into the air. "So get it cut. What, they don't have a barber on the watchtower?"

"Yeah, but that means I have to let people see me like this," Guy complained.

"Hold the iceberg for me," Xander ordered, before diving into the water below.

"What the hell!" Guy yelled as he fell dozens of feet before using his ring to hold the iceberg he was standing on up.

Xander burst from the water carrying a ten foot shark and a watermelon sized ball of assorted stuff from the ocean floor, yet was mysteriously dry as he landed on the iceberg next to Guy. "Keep heading North," he ordered as he spread everything out. He felt a little guilty for messing with Guy so he figured he'd make him an apology gift.

"What are you doing? Where are we going? Why am I even listening to you?!" Guy complained.

"I am making you a hammer," Xander replied, as he heated up and separated the various types of metals from a small handful of coins.

"And the shark?" Guy asked.

"He swallowed a fair amount of junk and I need some leather, so I figured sharkskin would do," Xander replied as he gutted the shark.

"Is that a bowling pin?" Guy demanded as he looked at the debris Xander removed from the sharks stomach.

"I'm surprised there isn't a juggler to go with it," Xander replied, a small ships' anchor melting in his hands into a rough blob of molten metal that he manipulated, removing impurities.

"And the other two questions I asked?" Guy reminded Xander.

"We are heading towards my island and why not?" Xander replied as he made a replica of Thor's hammer.

Lacking any mystical metals, Xander made do with tens of thousands of microscopic strength and toughness runes in silver and gold layered in between each layer of steel. The bowling pin was shaved down and bonded with the steel, a series of runes of recognition and flight carved into the handle, before he skinned the shark and used the blood to tattoo Atlantean runes of air and water on strips of its hide before binding it to the wood and fitting it in place.

"Charge it," Xander ordered.

"Do what now?" Guy asked with a frown.

"Pour some green lantern energy into it," Xander replied. "Not sure if a single ring charge is enough, in fact I seriously doubt it is, but pouring a couple of percentage points in should be enough to show off some of what it can do."

"Fine, but you fly the iceberg," Guy said, before laying his hand on the shaft of the hammer and pouring the green light of will into it. "It's stuck!" Guy complained, as both his ring and the hammer began to glow and he couldn't let go. "How much is this going to take?"

"A hundred ring charges?" Xander guessed and shrugged. "Might be closer to ten thousand, with magic the math never works out right."

Guy stopped charging it, freeing his hand. "Then what the hell am I messing with it for?" He hefted it thoughtfully despite his complaints, running his fingers across its surface.

"It's a brute force weapon for when you want to make some noise and cause some damage," Xander replied. "Plus it fits with the hair."

Guy rolled his eyes and picked up the hammer. "It's got a nice feel to it," he admitted, before drawing it back and striking the iceberg with it.

Xander cursed as the iceberg shattered under him, raining chunks of ice down on the sea below. "Why the hell did you do that for?!" Xander demanded.

"Well I didn't know it would do that!" Guy yelled, the hammer gripped in his right hand.

"Well, it does," Xander replied. "Or at least it does when it's at low power. Like I said, you'll have to charge it a lot to bring it to full power. Now if you'll excuse me, I need another iceberg," Xander said as he vanished in a blur of speed.

"Weird guy," Guy muttered, before examining the hammer and smiling a little. "Nice hammer though," he said, before heading back to the watchtower to hunt down a barber, hopefully before anyone saw him like this.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander found another small iceberg and landed on it. "Okay, fill the lake, take two," he said, lifting it from the water and speeding towards his island before he could be interrupted again.

The fog parted him as he flew through it, the island appearing as a hell scape covered in black rock and ash. A quick scan showed Ivy and Harley still asleep as he set the iceberg in the empty lake he'd created. Leaving it to melt he grabbed his hollowed out supertanker and went looking for sources of dirt he could use without upsetting anyone.

Scanning for a large scale earth moving projects, he noted that there was work being done on the Panama Canal and decided to help out a bit. Pausing for thought he decided to change into his super suit first so there would be less misunderstandings.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Kara flew towards Xander's Island, missing it in the surrounding fog somehow, before recalling what he'd said and coming in from directly overhead. The castle seemed to be whatever-vision-she-used proof so she listened for him instead, locating a pair of heartbeats. Finding Ivy and Harley curled up together, fast asleep, in Ivy's greenhouse, Kara looked around and noticed they were next to a slowly melting iceberg and what looked to be hot springs. Apparently, he'd been busy.

The hot springs looked inviting and having nothing better to do, she decided to give them a try. Setting her uniform off to the side, she slid into the water and sighed happily. She was nice and relaxed by the time Harley and Ivy woke up and discovered where they were.

"Hey, Supesy!" Harley called out, spotting Kara. "You the reason we're here?"

"No, but I can guess," Kara replied, completely unconcerned about her state of dress around the two villainess'.

Well, would you mind sharing it with us?" Ivy asked, after it became apparent that Supergirl wasn't going to say anything more.

"Well, Xander did mention he was going to have you assist in his conservation efforts," Supergirl replied. "I assumed he was going to ask, but I'm guessing he didn't. Superman tried to dissuade him by mentioning you were a criminal, but all he said was you could probably use a break from Gotham and humanity in general anyway."

"That…" Ivy trailed off as Harley stripped and joined Supergirl in the water. "It is quieter here, cleaner," she said thoughtfully.

"The water's great, Red! Come on in!" Harley said cheerfully.

"I think I will," Ivy said, her outfit falling off in a shower of leaves, as she slid into the water. "It even has a nice mineral content," Ivy noted, relaxing.

***THUD***

A loud thud was heard and the three turned and saw Xander holding and empty metal container of massive proportions above a hill of mud before he vanished.

"You have another cousin?" Harley asked.

"Nope!" Supergirl replied, grinning.

"Boyfriend?" Harley asked with a smirk.

"Maybe," Supergirl said. "We just met, but I like what I've seen of him so far."

***THUD***

"Is he wearing the S like you and your cousin?" Ivy asked. "I thought that was a family symbol."

"It is," Kara agreed.

"Oh, you naughty girl!" Harley squealed and splashed Kara.

***THUD***

Supergirl laughed and splashed her back.

"Even if he is your brother, at least you don't have to worry about accidentally hurting him," Ivy told her supportively.

"ACK! No, he isn't my brother!" Supergirl sputtered out.

***THUD***

The three turned to look at Xander, who waved before vanishing once more.

"Alternate reality, adopted family member," Supergirl explained.

"You seem pretty blasé about him kidnapping us," Ivy noted.

"You are currently wanted in Gotham," Supergirl replied. "Here you are outside US jurisdiction, so if it's a choice of prisons, I think you'd prefer this one. Besides, I'm pretty sure that if you genuinely don't like it here, he could be talked into returning you to the US."

***THUD***

"He's getting dirt from a large variety of places," Ivy said.

"How do you know?" Harley asked.

"The variety of plants and seeds mixed in," Ivy replied.

"Where are we anyway?" Harley asked looking around at the bare black rock and large volcanos visible in the distance.

"Arctic Sea," Supergirl replied. "He wanted some place remote to raise a volcanic island."

"That's impressive," Ivy said. "Do you know if he plans on paying me for any work I do for him?"

***THUD***

"No idea." Supergirl replied. "He says making money is easy, so probably."

"If Batgirl was here, it'd be perfect," Harley said. "She'd probably insist on a suit and mask though."

"It would be nice to see her outside of work again," Ivy agreed.

"I'll see if she's free for lunch," Supergirl said. "After checking with Xander, it's his home after all."

***THUD***

"I thought those were extinct!" Ivy exclaimed suddenly.

"What was extinct?" Supergirl asked.

"A type of floating flower from the Nile," Ivy replied. "But, I can sense dormant seeds in the river mud he just dumped."

"I didn't know you were powerful enough to sense dormant seeds," Supergirl said.

"My senses aren't being muffled by pollution and the Earth being murdered around me," Ivy said thoughtfully.

***THUD***

"Mississippi river mud," Ivy said, looking more relaxed and carefree that the other two had ever seen here before.

"This place is good for you," Harley said happily.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Weren't you supposed to be monitoring Ivy's greenhouse?" Flash asked as he entered the Monitor Room and saw that Green Arrow had a view of Xander's Island pulled up, covering the entire island rather than being focused on Ivy's place.

"I prefer my legs unbroken, thanks," Green Arrow replied.

"What?" Flash asked confused.

"I thought I ordered surveillance on Ivy," Batman said as he entered the room.

"Ivy, Harley, and Supergirl are using the hot springs and this is not a Japanese Anime," Green Arrow replied.

"Oh," Flash said, as he finally understood the situation.

"Turn on the modesty protocols," Batman replied. "It'll automatically black out everything between the knees, elbows, and neck of anyone not fully dressed."

"Why don't we have this on all the time?" Green Arrow asked while he located and activated the modesty protocols.

"Because the station's AI refuses to accept that the outfits worn by superheroes and villains are clothing," Batman replied.

"Some of them are a tad revealing," Flash admitted with a grin. "But even if it does black out the view of Wonder Woman and Black Canary, it should still be used."

"You misunderstand me," Batman said. "It blacks out all outfits including mine and yours," he added.

"What does it classify our suits as?" Flashed asked, curiously.

"Sleepwear," Batman replied.

"What about all the battles we get into?" Flash complained. "What does it classify those as?!"

"Mating rituals," Batman replied.

"And we don't know anyone who can fix it?" Flash asked doubtfully.

"It's an experimental supercomputer and a low priority problem," Batman explained. "We have more important things to take care of."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

A shiny silver robot sat on a boulder on the surface of the moon, completely still, but though his form was immobile, his mind was anything but.

'Jack of clubs on the queen of hearts,' Corbin decided, as he played his three hundred and twelfth game of solitaire. 'Next software update, I'm making Lex add in Netflix and Hulu. He's a billionaire, he can spring for it.'

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Hey!" Harley called out before Xander could vanish.

Xander put down his empty, hollowed out, supertanker and landed next to the spa. "What can I do for you?" he asked.

"Tell us why we're here for one," Harley said, unconcerned about her state of dress.

"And help me collect a number of seeds scattered about in the dirt and mud you've been dropping," Ivy added.

"Let me bring my best friend over for lunch," Supergirl chimed in, trying to pretend she was completely comfortable being naked around him. Intellectually she knew clothes might as well be plastic wrap around any Kryptonian, bur emotionally she was still adapting.

"If you mean Batgirl, then yes, feel free," he assured Kara. "I'll need you to show me where they are," he told Ivy. Harley leap up and he let her pull him into the water. "I was getting to you," he assured her.

"I asked first, I should have been answered first," Harley replied with a pout.

"Fine. I need Ivy's help with growing an island's worth of plants, mostly prehistoric. You are here because you make Ivy happy," Xander replied. "Once the plant life is up to snuff, I'll be importing dinosaurs."

"Where are you going to get dinosaurs?" Harley demanded. "They died out a bit ago."

"There's a hidden land full of them," Xander assured her.

"It's true, I've been there," Kara added.

"You've created a volcanic island and are planning to populate it with dinosaurs," Harley said slowly. "Please tell me you've carved a skull in the side of the volcano and the eyes glow red from the lava!" she begged.

"Haven't carved it yet but it's on my to-do list," Xander promised. "Plus, I have an obsidian castle on top of the central volcano."

Harley squealed. "Do we get to see it?"

"Sure, but at the moment it has zero furniture," he warned. "I haven't had a chance to make any doors or windows either."

"Regular glass or old fashioned thick glass with bubbles and imperfections? Harley asked intently.

"I went with regular glass last time, but old fashioned glass does sound a lot cooler," Xander admitted. "What do you think about furniture? I don't want to make it out of obsidian because making everything out of it just seems lazy."

"Polished ebony, it fits the theme," Harley suggested. "Except for the sinks, bath tubs, counters and stuff. Those are traditionally polished stone and obsidian is fine for them, depending on the décor."

"You are helping me decorate," Xander decided. "I'll put up an Arch and connect it to the courtyard so you can come and go easier."

"What's an Arch?" Supergirl asked, hearing the capital letter in his voice.

"Magical doorway from one place to another," Xander replied, lifting out of the water and lying down on the air to let the water run off him. "It's one of the most useful magical items I learned to make."

"How are we going to be paid for this?" Ivy asked.

"Diamonds, gold, access to safe havens and I'll be helping you subtly sabotage illegal deforestation operations and fund environmental groups," Xander replied.

"What kind of sabotage are we talking here?" Ivy asked curiously.

"Subtle ways to increase their costs and cut profits," Xander replied. "Bleeding them for money is the best way to discourage not only them, but also others like them."

"And you think you can do a better job of it than I have?" Ivy challenged.

"You cost a hundred thousand or so a year," Xander replied. "You make them pay more in insurance, but everything continues as normal."

"I've cost them millions!" Ivy claimed loudly.

"No, they've claimed you cost them millions and then they get that money from their insurance company," Xander explained. "As long as they can trace the damage back to you, they get reimbursed, sometimes even making a profit from your actions by claiming more damage than you actually caused."

"What?!" Ivy demanded, wide-eyed.

"Well… shitzu!" Harley groaned.

"I can cause invisible weaknesses in their equipment, causing bulldozers and backhoes to breakdown. I can cause sinkholes to bog down construction," Xander explained. "Acts of god are not covered by insurance policies and I can easily fake them."

"Then what do you need me for?" Ivy demanded, her pride stung.

"I want to speed up the Earth's recovery. I want you to help erase any sign they were even there," Xander replied.

Ivy calmed down as she considered that. "But won't the heroes stop us?"

"Not if we target the illegal operations," Xander said, "and especially not if we're using subtle non-lethal methods."

"What about the legal ones?" Ivy asked.

"Pressure from environmental groups has made them far less destructive and much more eco-friendly, than they ever have been in the past," Xander assured her. "Besides we'll have our hands full just dealing with the illegal ones."

"There is sense in what you say," Ivy admitted. "One of my main limitations was how far I could travel. I couldn't exactly hop a flight to Brazil to deal with the clear cutting there or go on a cruise to Africa to deal with their abhorrent mining practices."

"I can get you there in seconds," Xander promised.

"Bats is goin' ta be pissed." Harley laughed.

"It's the same thing he does," Xander said. "If anything, it's even more legal because we won't be punching anyone in the face."

The girls burst out laughing.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"What do you think they're laughing about down there?" Flash asked.

"Hold on, I can read lips," Green Arrow answered. "They're laughing because… huh," Green Arrow said thoughtfully.

"What?" Flash asked.

"They said your suit makes your ass look fat," Green Arrow said sincerely. "I've never thought about it before, but they have a point."

"They did not say that!" Flash exclaimed.

"Their exact words were, 'His suit really emphasizes his problem area and that color is not helping matter any," Green Arrow said, making sure to look The Flash right in the eyes. "J'onn's here, gotta go."

"Hey you don't-" Flash began only to find that Martian Manhunter had turned invisible. "You're just waiting for me to leave so you can avoid an awkward conversation, aren't you?" Hearing only silence, he sighed. "Fine," The Flash muttered and vanished in a red blur.

**Typing by : – The amazingly wide-awake (I swear!) Sitheus Maximus / Ipsith**


	51. Time enough for

**Time enough for…**

A massive flash of light and a tremendous boom sent all the local wildlife fleeing and scouring the forest floor bare in a fifty-foot radius.

A dark haired wizard and a pair of witches blinked the spots from their eyes and scanned the area for dangers from the exact center of the disturbance.

"I- I think we may have overshot," Hermione guessed as they all three took in the primordial forest around them.

"What do we do now?" Harry asked, at a loss, as it looked like they were far enough back in time that the invention of fire would still be a recent thing.

"I have no idea," Hermione admitted.

"Cast insect and animal repelling charms," Luna said, putting her words into action. "Now we have to find a large tree."

"Take your pick," Hermione said, "we are spoiled for choice."

Luna set off in the direction of the largest tree nearby, a giant that seemed endless, the other two following. Tapping the trunk with her wand, she transfigured a doorway sized section of trunk and a room sized section of interior into water, that flooded the ground and almost knocked the three down. "Forgot it would do that," Luna said apologetically, casting drying charms on the three.

"What are you doing?" Hermione asked curiously.

"I'm making a room," Luna explained, casting another spell that turned the dripping sap into lacquer and smoothed and dried it instantly. "We don't know what the weather is going to be like or what kind of magical creatures are about, so I'm making us a room to set up our tent in so we'll be safe."

"And what then?" Hermione asked as she opened the moke skin bag and took out the magical tent.

Luna set the tent in the center of the room and tapped it with her wand before turning back to the doorway into the tree and carefully inscribing runes into the bark. "Ok, into the tent," she ordered.

Still numb, the two entered the tent followed by Luna. The enormity of jumping back before human history dulling their wits.

"You two are in shock," Luna said, "fortunately I know what to do. Both of you strip, we'll climb in a bed and huddle together for warmth.

"I'm not sure that's right," Hermione said, as they took off their clothes.

"And yet you're still taking off your clothes," Harry noted.

"I'm not sure she's wrong either," Hermione admitted, the shock of being the only three humans in existence still scrambling her brain or so she told herself.

"Into bed everyone," Luna said, pulling back the covers on the king size bed in the master suite.

"Now what?" Harry asked once they were all cuddled together under the blankets.

"Now we hold each other until we recover," Luna said.

"That may take a while," Harry admitted. "I'm worried about what's going on in England while we're here.

"Nothing's going on," Luna replied. "It's a lot of animals and forest right now. We have, Merlin only know how many thousands of years before we need to worry about it."

"Pardon?" Hermione said.

"We moved in time, not space," Luna explained, "that means none of the stuff you are worrying about has happened yet or has to happen. We could stay in this bed for a decade and nothing bad would happen."

"Is that why you're so calm?" Harry asked.

"I'm not calm at all," Luna disagreed, "I'm excited beyond belief by the possibilities."

"Of us dying before our ancestors are born?" Hermione asked doubtfully.

"Moving against the flow of time is hard," Luna explained to her, "moving with it is easy."

"So we can get back home?!" Harry asked anxiously.

"Better, we can get to where we were hoping to go or even earlier," Luna assured him.

Harry sighed and the tension seemed to drain out of him and Hermione both. After a few seconds they tensed up again.

"We're naked," Harry noted.

"We certainly are," Hermione agreed.

"Pleasantly so," Luna agreed, "and bits of both of you are hard."

"What do we do now?" Harry asked after a few minutes of silence, since no one seemed willing to move.

"I was planning on a threesome following by telling you both how much you mean to me," Luna said. "It's going to be at least twenty years before we get home and I'd like those years to be happy ones."

"I... think that is a wise course of action," Hermione admitted, her heart pounding as she forced the words out. "Harry?" she asked hopefully.

"I-I'd like that," he admitted, "but I was raised by the Dursleys, so I'm probably going to need my hand held every step of the way and a lot of things explained to me."

"I've brought porn," Luna promised.

"Porn?" Hermione asked in shock. "We are back before the dawn of man and you have porn?"

"Lots of it," Luna promised. "I used a moke skin bag to collect all books and useful items from the come-and-go room. There were a number of student trunks in there, so naturally I've gotten a large amount of porn as well."

"You have a moke skin bag?" Hermione asked.

"Of course," Luna replied. "They are too useful not to have one. In fact I have nearly a hundred of them."

"I'm not going to ask," Hermione decided. "But, back to the subject, yes Harry I'll hold your hand every step of the way and explain everything."

"And I'll provide illustration and diagrams," Luna promised.

"How do we start?" Harry asked.

"Kissing," Hermione said firmly.

"Oh good, I think I know that one," Harry said, leaning in.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"We have food for at least three months," Harry said as they ate. "Not sure what we'll do after that."

"Hunt," Luna replied. "There is plenty of wild game."

"So what are our long term and short term goals?" Hermione asked. "We have all this time so we aren't in a rush, but I always feel better when I'm making progress towards a goal."

"I would suggest finding the tallest mountain possible and building a huge palace deep inside it," Luna said. "We're going to need some place safe from flooding, fire, and history."

"That is a very good point," Hermione said.

"But... isn't the landscape going to change?" Harry asked.

"Forgot that," Luna admitted. "We can build underwater or in the clouds until Mt Everest shows up."

"Those spells are... oh yeah, no ministry," Hermione said.

"Which one is safer?" Harry asked.

"Clouds," Luna replied. "We only have to worry about meteors at the moment."

"No planes," Hermione agreed.

"Do you guys know how to build a castle in the clouds?" Harry asked. "Cause I don't."

"I brought all my school books and..." Hermione trailed off, embarrassed.

"And?" Harry asked.

"I kinda, sorta, packed the Black library as well," she admitted.

"All of it?" Harry asked.

"And... every book in Grimauld place," she admitted.

"Works for me," he said cheerfully.

"Harry, I stole your library," she pointed out.

"Before they could burn it down," he agreed.

"A bit before... yes," she said evasively.

"First we need to sort through all the books, we have to find ones on building sky castles," Luna decided. "Once we have that built we can unpack our bags and see what we have to work with."

"How hard is magical construction?" Harry asked.

"It depends on what you're doing," Luna replied. "If you have a lot of power and the right material even novices can accomplish amazing things. The problem is most people aren't all that powerful and the right material is expensive. Fortunately for us you are quite powerful and we pretty much own the world as there are no other people, so I expect it to be relatively easy."

"And we're far enough back in time that plundering the world for resources wouldn't affect history," Hermione said with a grin.

"That is exactly why I was so excited earlier," Luna said. "We have access to more riches than anyone has ever dreamed of!"

"How will that not affect the future?" Harry asked. "I mean, if we take gold and gems out of the ground, they won't be there for whomever would have found them in the future."

"Either nothing we do can change the future or everything we do has already altered it," Hermione said.

"Plus between ice ages and shifting landmasses, volcanoes, meteors, and tidal waves," Luna listed off, "it's likely that nothing we take would be on the surface for others to find in the future anyway."

"I see," Harry said slowly. "Would it be wrong for me to collect enough wealth to make Draco die of envy?"

"Of course not," Luna said. "I was personally planning on collecting enough that I could buy multiple copies of all the rare tomes in history before they become rare, and get a copy of all the scrolls in all three of the Libraries of Alexandria before they burned down."

B... but that's what I was going to do!" Hermione complained.

"It's much more than even a two person job," Luna pointed out. "My plan was to create a fourth Library of Alexandria that would hold copies of the works of the other three with spells to fake its destruction when the time was right."

"How long have you been planning this?" Harry asked.

"Since I was six," Luna replied.

"Since I was eight," Hermione added.

"Which was before you knew about magic," Luna said, "thus my plans are better than yours."

"So the both of you had plans for if you went back in time?" Harry asked.

"Bookworms have always mourned the destruction of the Library of Alexandria," Hermione explained, "muggle and magical both!"

"Didn't you have any 'if I could go anywhere or anywhen' thoughts when you were a kid?" Luna asked.

"Yeah, but they were all either 'rescue my parents from their car accident' or 'escape the Dursleys'," Harry replied. "I never really got to be a kid."

"I'm pretty sure we can rescue your parents," Luna said. "I mean, we have nothing but time to figure it out. Of course your childhood will still suck, unless we rescue baby Harry as well, but then that would mean you weren't actually Harry Potter and instead were a Horcrux of Voldemort in a golem body that became a real boy somehow."

"I object morally to becoming Voldemort," Harry said. "Couldn't we just split me in two, so one half is raised with my parents while I live my life to become... me?"

"Do they even have spells like that?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, but they all required the heart of a dodo, so they went away with them," Luna said.

"So we simply hide a herd or two of dodos," Harry said. "We can prevent any number of extinctions, now that I think of it."

"Ohhh!" The two girls chorused as they considered that.

"All we really need is a big plot of land to ward with the fidelious and we can raise tons of animals that we know become extinct," Harry said.

"There are a number of islands and even a continent that vanished from history," Luna said slowly as she and Hermione exchanged glances.

"What are you thinking?" Harry asked.

"I believe what we are thinking is that if places like Atlantis, Camelot, and Pangea are fated to disappear from history anyway..." Hermione said her voice trailing off.

"...then who are we to argue?" Luna said with a grin.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	52. Loki, lord of

**Loki, Lord of...**

"... and with the convergence of planets complete, all of Loki's memories and power shall be restored," the Enchantress warned the warriors that surrounded her.

"And doubtless he will be here not a moment later, full of fire and fury," Thor said gravely. He wasn't looking forward to fighting his brother, for all Loki's crimes against him, Loki was still his brother and that was a bond he could not break. Hopefully they could capture him without any serious injuries on either side.

The sky over Asgard took on an emerald hue as the spheres aligned, causing Thor and the cohort surrounding him to tense up as they prepared for battle. After a couple of minutes of absolute silence, the sky returned to its normal color and everyone looked around dumbly.

"Where is he?" Thor asked.

The Enchantress raised her hands and began to chant, the mist from the edges of the Bifrost gathering in front of her to form a picture of a young man dressed as a cowboy on a stage, dancing around a pole.

"Is it some kind of battle ritual?" Thor asked curiously.

Loki's shirt was tossed into the crowd of cheering women while they watched, before he whipped off his belt.

"I don't think so..." Amara the Enchantress offered, eyeing Loki's oiled up pecks.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander gathered up the money around his feet and walked back stage. He'd been nervous as hell going up there in front of an audience, but the fear had quickly faded once he'd started dancing. Or maybe, the memories of being Loki had something to do with it. Really, looking back at things, it all made sense now. He was the father of Fenrir, of course the Alpha Primal would have chosen him as a host. Breaking prophecy and splitting the slayer line? As a god of chaos, wrecking prophecies was his bread and butter and splitting the slayer line... That should not have occurred.

Resurrecting Buffy was well within his power, but she should have been powerless as there was only one slayer spirit and she was empowering the next slayer. Ah, well, something to investigate later. The love spell called upon Aphrodite and she was probably still holding a grudge against him, which he could admit was perfectly understandable, he'd been a complete dick to her back then. Yes, looking back, he could see why things had happened as they did, gods and spirits acting as they had because they'd sensed his inner nature, which the Hellmouth had hidden from everyone, even himself. However, now he was off the Hellmouth, so the question was... what should he do now?

"Not bad, kid," the owner told him. "I've rarely seen a first timer do half as well. The beginning was a little rough, but you got into the swing of things soon enough. Have you considered making it a regular thing?"

Xander shook his head. "I plan on seeing all fifty states, and I can't do that from a stripper pole."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander examined the old fashioned leather doctors bag he'd gotten from the pawnshop. It had seen a lot of new life and death in its time which made it perfect for his purposes. Luck had been with him as he'd also discovered a set of sterling silver sewing needles with black silk thread and a cartoonish looking steel bear trap as well.

**A bit of careful stitching, an invocation to his adopted mother and daughter later...**

"I have watched way too many Disney movies," Xander said, dropping the last of his possessions into the leather bag before it snapped shut. "But they did have some great ideas," he admitted as he picked the bag up.

The world flickered aound him and he found himself standing in a dark basement, surrounded by a pentagram drawn in blood with a wave of fire roaring towards him. Being a god of fire, this was less than effective. Xander drank the fire then touched himself and his possessions, allowing the fire to completely obliterate the pentagram around him.

"Quick question," he said, as the fire died down. "Who summoned me and tried to set me on fire?"

"He did it!" a red robed cultist yelled pointing at what appeared to be a wizard with an old west theme.

Xander looked around once more, taking in the dozen or so black robed cultists, the young woman naked and chained to a wall next to a naked young woman with her heart ripped out, and made a snap decision. "I don't approve of sacrificing people, especially when it's used in an attempt to enslave me." Xander reached into his bag and drew out a sword. "I'm going to guess the lone cowboy over there is here to rescue the damsel, and give him a hand."

The chained up woman laughed as the wizard muttered the word cowboy, just before a large man in chainmail burst on the scene wielding a sword. Naturally, the first thing he did was attack Xander, while the cultists took flight.

"Can someone unchain me?" the girl called out as Xander found himself hard pressed by the Knight despite his inhuman strength and speed.

"I'll do it as soon as I get a chance," Xander promised, wishing he's trained more in sword wielding.

The knight redoubled his efforts while reciting hymns in Latin.

"That is rather impressive breath control," Xander admitted, "but, I've got better stamina than you." He let the Knight drive him back circling to the right, until he was in front of the girl. Snapping his fingers, he raised a wall of flame, causing the knight to leap back and allowing Xander a chance to snap the chains and freeing the young lady while the other flickered and vanished along with her chains.

"Here," Xander said, handing her his shirt, before spinning around to defend against the knight who had extinguished the flames using a Latin phrase and a vial of holy water.

The knight paused as he saw Xander protecting the girl. "I take it their attempts to summon the Father of Lies failed then?" he asked.

"You'll have to be more precise," Xander said, "that name has been used on a number of beings."

"The Greatest of God's Angels who Fell from Grace," the Knight said, being careful not to use any names.

"Never been an angel, never fell from grace, unless you count pissing off my father... Huh, there are some similarities. Anyway, no, I am not a part of that pantheon," Xander assured him.

The wizard returned and said, "Through no fault of my own, the building appears to be on fire. I suggest we continue this discussion elsewhere." He quickly stripped off his leather duster and handed it to the young woman to cover up with.

The four of them quickly exited the building, Xander holding the fire back while the wizard kept the air clear.

"So who did they summon?" the young woman asked as they fled the scene. "I mean, I tricked them with a glamour and they still managed to summon someone."

"Yeah, but you used a glamour of yourself, giving it some substance," Xander said as he considered it. "How much are you willing to bet you're down a pint of blood right now?"

"Rookie mistake," the wizard said as they ducked into a parking garage as the fire engine's siren sounded in the distance. "The closer something is to reality, the more of a connection it holds."

"I was a bit busy trying to save my own life," she complained.

"I know and I'm not faulting you for it, I'm simply using this as a teaching opportunity," the wizard explained.

"Can we get some formal introductions?" Xander requested.

"You first," the wizard snapped out.

"Okay, I'm Xander Harris, just graduated from high school and was on a road trip when I got summoned here, wherever here is," Xander replied.

"Just a high school student?" the wizard asked sarcastically.

"No one is '_**just'**_ anything," Xander replied. "Anyway I said I'd just graduated."

"I'm Molly carpenter," the damsel introduced herself.

"I'm Michael Carpenter, her father," the Knight said proudly.

"And I'm Harry, Harry Dresden," the western themed wizard introduced himself.

"It's nice to meet you all," Xander said as they stopped beside a beat up multicolor Volkswagen and a wood paneled station wagon. "Can anyone send me back to where I come from? I was supposed to pick up my car from the mechanic and check out of my motel room when I was summoned."

"I thought you were some mystical being from legend," Molly said.

"I probably count as that," Xander said with a shrug, "but in this incarnation I'm a D+ high school student who's trying to go on a Jack Kerouac type road-trip before I have to join the rat race."

"Meaning you remember your last incarnation and if I'm any judge it was a Named one," Harry said.

"You would be right," Xander agreed. "However in this life I'm not, so who can send me back to California?"

"California?" the three chorused.

"Dude, seriously?" Xander asked. "What, the accent didn't give me away?"

"I thought it was a ruse to disguise your origins," Michael admitted, retrieving a pair of cargo's for Molly to wear.

"Nope, Cali boy, born and bred," Xander said. "Never even set foot outside my home town until after graduation. I've only got a couple months of freedom before I have to return, so..."

"It'd probably be easier to just buy you a bus ticket," Harry said. "The quickest would be a trip through the Never-Never, but a bus would be easier."

"The What-What?" Xander asked.

Harry turned to stare at him. "You don't know about the Never-Never?"

"Not in this life or the last one," Xander replied. "I take it from the way you're talking about it that it's common knowledge?"

"The land of the fae, just a step away, and with paths that lead everywhere," Molly said, returning Harry's duster.

"I may be farther from home than I thought," Xander admitted. "I don't suppose you guys know a quick route to the Bifrost bridge?" he asked hopefully.

The three turned to stare at him.

"Is that a no?" Xander asked. "Because I'm getting a serious 'No' vibe here."

**Typed by - Sitheus Maximus / Ipsith**

**Whooo! Xander-is-Loki-in-Dresden-verse! Yey! So many possible Shenanigans!**


	53. The Power of

**The Power Of…**

"She shows up out of nowhere in the middle of the semester, behaves a bit weird, carries an obviously magical necklace and no one finds it a bit strange?" Xander demanded.

"New people move to Sunnydale all the time, this is California, and it's a family heirloom," Buffy replied. "I don't find it strange at all."

"This is Sunnydale," Xander retorted, "the fact that you don't find it a bit strange IS a bit strange!"

"No, what IS a bit strange is you getting upset because your EX is making new friends," Buffy said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have more important things to do than listen to your paranoid rants!" Buffy exclaimed as she stormed out of the library.

Xander turned to Giles and Willow but they pretended to be busy and not paying attention. Oz simply gave him an unreadable look and went back to staring at the window. "Fine, I'll do it myself," Xander said, before storming off himself.

As the doors shut behind him, he turned to open them and apologize as he wasn't really angry with them, but at Buffy for dismissing what he said without really listening, when he heard Oz say, "Sure he's not onto something?"

"It's seriously doubtful," Giles replied.

"He's basing it on Japanese porn," Willow added, before making an embarrassed noise as she hadn't meant to say that out loud.

"How do you mean?" Giles asked.

"Erm… in all the Japanese cartoons with all the… stuff, the new villain of the week shows up just like Xander described Anya," Willow explained.

"That lowers the odds slightly," Oz deadpanned.

Giles smothered a laugh with a cough. "Yes, quite," he agreed.

Xander turned and left, angry all over again.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"One more time?" Giles requested.

"Xander was right," Xander said smugly.

"In more detail," Giles requested.

"A demon was trying to get me to make a wish about Xander," Cordelia said, "an evil one."

"But I grabbed the necklace and beat her to the punch," Xander said smugly.

"I wasn't going to make one about you!" Cordelia yelled out.

"Sure you weren't," Xander drawled sarcastically.

"I wasn't!" Cordelia snapped back. "If you must know, I was about to wish that Buffy's parents hadn't split up, so she never came here and none of this weirdness ever happened!"

Everyone stared at her in horror.

"What?" Cordelia said.

"Buffy stops the bad things, she doesn't cause them," Willow pointed out.

Xander opened his mouth to mention Angel and then thought better of it.

"Without Buffy, we'd all be dead or worse," Giles said.

"Well…. That's what I was about to wish," Cordelia said, slumping back as she thought about some of the crap she'd been through and what would have happened had Buffy not been there.

"Now, please tell me in exact detail what you said and did," Giles told Xander.

"I grabbed the necklace, made a wish, the demon said 'granted', revealed its true face, looked horrified and then vanished in a flash of light with the necklace," Xander said.

"It said granted?" Wesley asked intently.

"She said granted," Xander agreed.

"Big emerald necklace?" Wesley asked.

"Yeah?" replied Xander.

"Let me check something," Wesley said, before vanishing into Giles office.

"And the wish was?" Giles asked.

"I was a bit angry, it was spur of the moment, and mainly just said to waste the wish," Xander warned.

"Yes, but the wording was?" Giles asked insistently.

"I wished… for the power of Japanese porn," Xander admitted.

"What?" Giles asked, unsure he's heard correctly.

Xander shrugged and said with a scowl, "I was going to apologize for getting angry when I heard a certain comment."

"Oh," Giles said, cleaning his glasses while an awkward silence grew.

"Found it!" Wesley announced as he laid a large leather tome on the table, opened to an illustrated page. "Is this what you saw?"

"That's the puppy," Xander agreed.

"Got the necklace right and everything," Cordelia added.

"It's Anyaka, Patron Saint of Scorned Women," Wesley explained. "She grants wishes to women to punish men."

"That explains why she looked horrified at granting Xander's then," Buffy said.

"Normally her wishes turn out dreadfully for everyone involved," Wesley said.

"This wasn't a normal wish," Xander pointed out.

"What does the power of Japanese porn even mean?!" Buffy demanded.

"Something involving tentacles?" Oz guessed.

Buffy and Cordelia took a step away from Xander.

"I was thinking of Japanese anime," Xander told them, "only Willow calls it porn."

"It's cartoon porn," Willow said flatly.

"The Japanese don't have the same nudity taboos we have, nor do they think sex is a sin," Xander explained, "that doesn't make it porn."

"Except for the fact that they do indeed make a substantial amount of porn, cartoon and otherwise," Wesley said.

"There's a thin line between anime and hentai sometimes, but there is a line," Xander argued.

"And now you have to cross it," Oz said.

"What?" Xander asked.

"I believe he's saying you're going to have to watch Japanese porn now to figure out your powers," Wesley explained.

"Porn or hentai?" Xander asked.

"Both," Giles replied. "Until we know which one it is, it's best to be on the safe side."

"Please, you can just download it off Limewire or Bearshare," Willow said, only to shrink back from everyone turning to stare at her.

"Yeah… I don't have a computer, nor am I internet savvy," Xander pointed out.

"I'll request the funds for a computer," Wesley decided. "How much will you require?"

"How powerful do you want it?" Willow asked.

"We just need enough to get this done quickly and with the minimum of crashes," Xander said, recalling Willow almost cursing when her system kept going down on her. His jokes probably hadn't helped matters either.

"Two grand and a dedicated phone line?" she suggested.

"We'll set it up at my place," Wesley said, "that will make things easier."

"So… we're all going to eat popcorn and watch porn?" Oz asked.

"I think I can skip that," Buffy decided.

"Ditto," Cordelia added.

"I only need plot synopses," Willow quickly said. "I'll see what people online say about it."

"I'll bring popcorn," Oz said, surprising Xander.

"Thank you," Xander said sincerely, relieved he wouldn't be trapped watching porn alone with Giles and Wesley.

"If you can get me the money, I can get everything set up today," Willow said.

"I'll just have the council reimburse me," Wesley decided. "I can draw the money straight out of my account."

"I'll need a ride to a bunch of stores," Willow told them.

"They don't sell everything in one store?" Wesley asked.

"Buying a complete system costs a lot more and isn't nearly as powerful," Willow said, wrinkling her nose in distaste.

"I'll visit the local video stores and see if they have anything," Oz offered.

"And I'll bring my bootlegged anime," Xander said.

"Anime are the non-perverted ones, right?" Buffy asked.

"Yes," Xander said.

"They are all perverted," Willow argued.

"Depends on how much of a prude you are," Xander told her, ignoring Willow. "I mean it's from a different culture with different taboo's."

"Like what?" Buffy said, before Willow could say anything.

"They have a weird form of discrimination against people descended from butchers and leather workers," Xander explained. "They are considered unclean as are all their descendants. It's something to do with religion, but I don't really get it."

"Anything else?" Buffy asked.

"Tattoos are a big no-no, unless you're a criminal, failing to pass your college entrance exam is really looked down on, as is doing poorly in school in general. A lot of these only show up in certain shows. I'll tell you if you want to watch any of the shows."

"Underage sex, incest, nudity," Willow listed off. "It's all perverse!"

"Japan has a lower age of consent than we do," Xander explained. "So the main characters are often 14, just like we use 18 over here. Hentai is loaded with incest while there is little in actual anime, though they do make a lot of jokes about it," he explained.

"And the nudity?" Buffy asked.

"Eastern cultures don't have a big nudity taboo and bathing is often a public activity where they soak in hot baths together," Xander said.

"It doesn't sound that bad," Buffy said.

"It's not," Xander said, "but Willow hates it with a passion, won't say why."

Willow looked away, red faced, when everyone turned to look at her.

"I think I'll pass," Buffy decided. "What powers do you think you'll get anyway?"

"With my luck?" Xander asked as he shook his head. "A powerful magic attack and a tiny skirt."

"And that's not perverted?" Buffy asked.

"No nudity taboo," Xander reminded her.

"What's that got to do with it?" Buffy wondered, confused.

"The younger the schoolgirl, the shorter the skirt," Xander explained. "It was done for practical reasons, as long skirts got in the way when playing and were harder to keep clean. Girls were expected to become more responsible and mellow as they got older, unlike America where shorter skirts mean something completely different."

"That makes sense," Buffy said, "but why would you be wearing one?"

"The most popular anime's are either young girl gets power or clueless guy being courted by a bunch of girls," Xander explained. "And knowing my luck…"

"How does getting power explain wearing a short skirt?" Buffy asked.

"You know how Wonder Woman spins and is suddenly dressed in a flash of light?" Xander asked.

Buffy started laughing as she pictured Xander doing the same thing.

"It's worse than that," Xander said, shaking his head.

"How could it be worse?" Buffy asked once she'd managed to stop laughing.

"Because the transformation sequence is more like a naked pirouette while coated in light that ends with them with their hair done, wearing make-up, jewelry, and often high heels," Xander explained.

Buffy fell over laughing.

"Maybe the wish wasn't wasted after all," Cordelia said with a smirk.

**Typed by: - Sitheus Maximus / Ipsith**


	54. Callback 3

**Callback 3**

**YASEMF 40: Chapter 1**

**YASEMF 43: Chapter 2**

"I can't make it tonight," Kim said apologetically, as they put their books in their lockers, "I have a date."

"I know," Ron assured her, "don't sweat it, we'll catch up later."

Kim paused. "How did you know? I didn't know until Jeff sprang it on me last period."

Ron chuckled. "Because your dating patterns are pretty stable. First you find a pretty boy, usually shallow but not always, then you spend all your free time together, cutting our time to classes and missions. If the pretty boy you've crushed on is shallow, he'll monopolize your time because he's concerned with his rep and thinks me hanging out with you is bad for your rep and reflects on him. If he's not shallow, he'll do it because he's jealous of the time you spend with me. Regardless of which one it is, you'll figure it out in a week or two, spend more time with me to make it up to me, there will be a big scene, you'll break up, and things will return to normal until you crush on another pretty boy. Lather, rinse, repeat."

"What?!" Kim asked, shocked.

"Monique, back me up on this," Ron said.

"That... actually fits pretty well," Monique said thoughtfully.

"It's perfectly normal, K.P." Ron told her cheerfully, "have fun and don't worry about it."

"They weren't all shallow," she argued, as she thought about Jeff...

"There is nothing wrong with dating someone just because you are physically attracted to them," Ron assured her. "It's like a roller coaster, fun and exciting, just not that long a ride. Dating isn't marriage, no long term commitment has been promised."

"Speaking of which, since you aren't doing anything tonight, any objections to spending some time with me?" Monique asked.

"Not a one, but I must warn you it is Patrick Swayze night," he replied. "I am having a Swayze marathon. Are you up for the challenge?"

"Is Dirty Dancing included in that?" Monique asked with a grin.

"Only the dirtiest!" he promised grandly, unaware of the response of the girls in the hall around them as their eyes widened.

"What?" Kim asked, feeling she was missing something.

"I'll pick up dinner from your fave and meet you at your place," Monique said.

"See you there," Ron promised, before leaving for detention.

Kim frowned, unsure what she was feeling at the moment.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Barkin nodded and checked Ron's name off his list, a very short list as he was the only student there.

"So what are we working on today?" Ron asked.

"Normally we'd be covering the school assignments you missed, but at the moment you are all caught up," Barkin admitted, "and studying ahead would leave you bored in class which would lead to further rule breaking."

"So... work on a subject I'm not taking?" Ron suggested.

"Electives require equipment and supplies we don't have," Barkin admitted. "I could teach you military hand signs."

Ron quickly held a flat palm up for attention and then made a fist signaling for him to stop.

"G.J. already taught you?" Barkin guessed.

"Actually Bonnie insisted all the cheerleaders learn," Ron said with a shrug. "It was last year when they went to the finals. I played dumb so she wouldn't involve me. All I know is that while we didn't win the first prize... it's in our possession."

Barkin grinned. "If she was born a man, she'd have made one hell of a soldier."

"Soldier? Try General," Ron said, shaking his head. "What else have you got to teach?"

"Improvised **-AHEM-** can't teach you that," he stopped himself.

"Explosions or Booby Traps? Doesn't matter, I know them both," Ron assured him.

Barkin paused and took a closer look at Ron as if seeing him for the first time. "What do you know?"

"Everything," Ron said. "If it's a traditional military course taught up to Desert Shield, I know it."

"Hand to hand?" he asked with a grin, deciding to burst Ron's bubble and bring him back down to Earth.

"Let me grab my sweat clothes and meet you in the gym," Ron replied.

"Seriously?" Barkin asked, surprised.

"My best friend knows over a dozen forms of Kung Fu and we are continually fighting super villains and their henchmen," Ron reminded him.

"I've had to pull you out of your own locker three times this year," Barkin said.

"You want me to beat up teenagers?" Ron asked in disbelief.

"You are a teenager," Barkin reminded him, "and there is a big difference between standing up for yourself and simply beating people up."

"I don't want to get stuck paying a lot of medical bills because I had to make an example of one of them," Ron said, thinking of the bullies he dealt with every day.

"Bills? Haven't you ever heard of a soft take down?" Barkin demanded.

"Heard of... yeah," Ron said slowly. "Not something I ever learned though," he admitted.

"Then it looks like I do have something I can teach you," Barkin said proudly.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

The football team was running up and down the bleachers, but Barkin ignored them as he set up several dummies, dressed in different styles of clothes, at the end of the field.

"I'm surprised you had these on hand," Ron said.

"We teach a self defense course on Sundays during the summer," Barkin replied. "They're a lot tougher to damage than a real person and can't sue the school for accidents or injuries."

Ron laughed. "I can see where that would come in handy. How often do you have to replace them?"

"Haven't had to yet," Barkin replied, "besides, I sprung for the lifetime warranty, even though I was told it was a waste. So go all out, show me what you're really capable of, Stoppable."

Ron looked at the dummy wearing a ski mask and carrying a rubber knife doubtfully.

"Pretend it attacked Miss Possible," Barkin suggested.

Ron snorted. "It'd be on the ground, unconscious."

"True," Barkin agreed, trying to think of a suitable victim. "Picture it attacking Tara," he suggested.

Ron leapt forward, launching a spinning kick to its jaw that spun its head around before grabbing its knife hand and continuing the spin, shattering the joint. Yanking down he ripped the limb off and spun back around using it as a club and decapitating the dummy. Still not done, he kicked its left knee, causing it to land backwards, before slamming a left into where its kidneys would have been, dropping the arm and slamming a snake hand into its chest, pulling out a handful of stuffing a moment later. "No heart?" he asked, surprised.

"Wow," Barkin said, impressed, "we have a lot of work to do."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"And then they brought out the pineapple," Jeff said.

Kim laughed as did several of the people waiting in line for the roller coaster with them. The date had been nearly perfect so far, but she couldn't help but feel something was off.

"Next!"

The line moved forward and Jeff cheered, "Yes, we just might make it out of here without resorting to cannibalism!"

Everyone laughed, the line moved forward, and she forgot what was bugging her.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	55. With Sprinkles 2

**With Sprinkles 2**

**Chapter 01: YSEMF 52**

The wave of white mana that poured over him soothed his soul and gave him knowledge of a crystal of some kind. It didn't feel very big, but it would take a ridiculous amount of mana to create. Climbing to his feet, he brushed off some of the ash that used to be his clothes before a number of people started yelling in Japanese and he was suddenly hit with a pair of attack spells.

An arrow of flame struck his chest like a pot full of boiling water, raising blisters but doing no serious damage. The lightning bolt that followed stung like he'd stuck a fork in an outlet and caused some involuntary twitches, but also did little actual damage. A wave of fog clouded his vision before he was hit with another wave of light, that healed his wounds once more. "What the fuck?!" Xander exclaimed, his mind and memory still a bit scrambled as he looked around him blindly.

A beam of golden light stabbed into his side, leaving a burn like a hot poker, before he was hit with fire and lightning again and quickly healed by the wave of light once more. He tried to fend off the next attack, but he was fighting blind, nearly naked, and unarmed. The next wave of white mana hit and he soaked it for all it was worth, his mind clearing enough for him to use his new instincts and tap into the land around him.

The power of the city poured through him, granting clarity of mind and speeding his thoughts. He was being attacked by simple elemental attacks, followed by an overpowered heal spell. The next wave of attacks and healing hit, but this time he was aware enough to get a feel for them, not that they hurt any less just that he was sure he could have thrown them as well if he'd had the appropriate mana to use.

"Stop attacking me!" he yelled, only to get a double dose of attacks before the wave of white mana hit him again. Unable to see, lacking a way to defend himself or fight back, he ripped a hole into the blind eternities and jumped in.

The blind eternities was not what he expected it to be. It was... everything, all at once, at full volume. Reality, multiple realties, pounded at his brain. In a panic he got ready to leap anywhere to escape it, when he saw a crack and dove through it.

The office he landed in looked vaguely Asian and he reached out and tapped into the city around him, the flow of multicolor mana helping to clear his head once more as knowledge of the land seeped into his skull.

"That is not a toad," the third Hokage noted, gesturing to ANBU to be wary.

"Sorry to barge in like this," Xander apologized in the local version of Japanese, "but someone opened a hole in front of me."

"Where were you?" Jiraiya asked, curiously.

"The space in-between," Xander replied. "Know of any place I can get some clothes, cheap?" He paused and sighed. "Better make that free, I don't think you use the same currency I do."

"And how did you get there?" Jiraiya asked.

"Natural ability," Xander replied, "but it's overwhelming and I haven't figured out how to reliably go from one place to another yet. I'd really like to get some clothes and maybe a meal or two before trying it again."

"Got any profitable skills?" Jiraiya asked.

"Maybe," Xander said, "not real sure yet."

"I'll spot you some pants and a meal on the off chance I can find something," Jiraiya said. "Let's leave the old man to his paperwork and get a drink."

"Remember to finish up those reports you owe me," Sarutobi said, seeing that the toad sage was going to use a light approach to find out who and what this new being was, which was understandable as he felt quite powerful.

"Will do," Jiraiya said, waving for Xander to follow him.

**An hour later...**

"So what would be your most valuable skill?" Jiraiya asked, once he'd gotten Xander fitted out with some local clothes and set up with a bowl of ramen.

"Skill I have now that I could apply locally?" Xander asked thoughtfully as he considered it. "I'm not sure if my knowledge of science is valuable or not, since I'm just a student and you guys are at least as advanced as my home in some ways, with a strange mix in where you apply it from what I see. My knowledge of magic is just starting out, but is probably our best bet for profitable skills." Xander felt his connections to the city around him and the one he just left. The leaf village was a tri colored land containing red, blue, and green, while the Tokyo he'd been in was white and colorless, but you had to accept both mana at once. Reality seemed a bit thin in that Tokyo with additional mana seeping in from somewhere outside it.

"Healing," Xander decided. "I'd need to be taken to two separate sections of plains so I could use their mana, but after that I'll have the use of one massively overpowered heal spell."

"You draw mana from the land to use your magic?" Jiraiya asked.

"Exactly," Xander agreed before taking a sip of tea. He wished he had a soda, but they didn't have those locally. He made a mental note to stock up on them when he got a chance. "Different lands produce different types of mana with different characteristics."

"And forests aren't useful for healing?" Jiraiya asked.

"Forests are the best for healing, but the only heal spell I know uses mana from the plains. It takes twice as much mana for me to use, but it affects an area rather than a single person."

"Does it require a lot of concentration to heal a group of diverse people with various injuries?" Jiraiya asked, thinking about the mystic palm technique.

"Nah," Xander shook his head, "all the details are handled by magic, you just have to cast the spell and it takes care of the rest."

"We'd have to test it to see how it works, but that does sound valuable," Jiraiya said cheerfully. "How large an area is each... land?"

"Varies really," Xander said thoughtfully. "Plains and swamps are about seven and a half square miles on average, while mountains and islands are counted individually, regardless of size. Forests depend on density, with some producing two to three times as much mana as you'd expect."

"Any defensive spells?" Jiraiya asked between slurps of his ramen.

"Just one. Using a single blue mana I can create a fog that muffles the senses, but it doesn't stop attacks," Xander explained before copying Jiraiya's manners as he noticed most of the customers were slurping their ramen as well.

"Poor defense, but better than nothing," Jiraiya said, signaling for another two since Xander still looked hungry. "You any good on offense?"

"Three very basic elemental attack spells," Xander replied.

"Don't knock it kid, most people have to make do with only using two elements, unless they train really hard," Jiraiya said.

"I only learned them because someone shot me with them," Xander said. "Come to think of it, that's how I've learned everything so far."

Jiraiya laughed. "While handy, I'm pretty sure there are better ways to learn things."

"You got that right," Xander said. "Still, it's a fast way to learn, if painful."

"The students in the Academy would probably prefer your method," Jiraiya said, smirking internally as Xander took the bait and started asking about the village. Xander was so open and honest that it almost made him feel guilty to manipulate him, but Jiraiya had done far worse for the sake of his village before and no doubt would again.

**That evening**

"Report," Sarutobi ordered as he glanced up from his paperwork.

"Not sure the kid is human, probably a demigod of some sort," Jiraiya replied. "He's probably the most honest and open being in the entire village. It's painfully obvious that he's not from around 'here'. His attacks are low jounin and he can't fire very many at present which will change the second he gets a little travel under his belt as everything he does is powered by sage chakra that he draws from the land itself regardless of distance."

"So he's safe enough for the moment," Sarutobi said, lighting his pipe.

"There's more," Jiraiya said. "His strength and durability is easily on par with Maito Gai, though that appears to be a recent thing, as he was as surprised as we were."

"And?" Sarutobi asked, hearing something in his former student's tone.

"While I doubt he'll even be on this world for longer than it takes to get back on his feet, I do believe he'll make this a regular stop in his travels if we make him feel welcome, and I believe that is something we should encourage for a couple of reasons," Jiraiya said, unusually serious for once.

"I'm listening," the old man said.

"He's very protective of the people and places he's fond of and he'll only grow in power, in addition to this is the wealth of knowledge and techniques he the potential to find and share with us, but most importantly at the moment, I believe the 'massively overpowered healing spell' he mentioned will allow us to return nin who are currently beyond our capability to heal back to the field," Jiraiya explained.

"That would be an incredible boon to the leaf," Sarutobi agreed.

"To ensure he thinks of the village fondly, I have Anko keeping him company," Jiraiya said smugly.

"I trust you let her know she had the choice to refuse a seduction mission," Sarutobi replied.

It was not a question.

"I assigned her to watch him because she'd already started seducing him," the toad sage replied with a grin. "She showed up when we were demonstrating techniques. They are almost complete opposites with only one thing in common, a disturbing love of explosions. Despite all that they hit it off immediately and enthusiastically."

"ANBU keeping an eye on things?"

"As always," he assured him. "I'll be taking him out to… acquire some more land in the morning... after he recovers."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Setsuna wasn't often surprised, so it took her a minute to understand what she was seeing; where she'd expected to see the usual ebb and flow of the timeline, she was seeing the colorful scrawl of an infinite future. Crystal Tokyo was no longer guaranteed but neither was the death of seven billion people that lead to it. She much preferred fighting for a brighter future rather than a guttering candle anyway.

Unaware of the determined look on her face or the rare smile that touched her lips, she locked the gates and prepared to teleport home to call a meeting of the scouts. They were going to have to work much harder than they had been, but a future of infinite possibilities now awaited them.

**Several hours later...**

"Why is she smiling like that?" Minako whispered to Makoto. "It's creepy!"

"Maybe she's drunk?" Makoto whispered back.

"What could be bad that Setsuna would start drinking?!" Usagi moaned.

"I'm not drunk, nor have I been drinking," Setsuna said, revealing she could hear their whispers. "I'm smiling because I have good news."

"Tell us what it is already," Haruka said. "You've teased us enough, we're all here, so spit it out."

Michiru gave Haruka a look, but she just shrugged in response.

"Alright," Setsuna agreed with a smile. "The great freeze is no longer guaranteed to happen, meaning we are no longer destined to watch six billion people die of cold or starvation."

"That is good news!" Usagi exclaimed.

"What about Crystal Tokyo?" Haruka asked.

"Not possible or desirable," Setsuna said flatly. "Crystal Tokyo required the death of the majority of the human race. My advice is to restart the Moon Kingdom."

"What's the difference?" Ami asked.

"Crystal Tokyo was an Earth based kingdom where we used magic to keep our little section of the world warm and fertile. The Moon Kingdom on the other hand would require us to use our magics to return life to the other planets in our solar systems and draw in settlers to populate them once more. Much like the Moon Kingdom of old, I expect Earth is not going to desire an empress," Setsuna explained.

"Lots of hard work but a brighter future," Usagi said, much to everyone but Setsuna's surprise.

"Exactly," Setsuna said, smiling even more as she saw the matching smile appearing on Usagi's face.

"What changed?" Michiru asked, causing everyone to turn towards Setsuna. "Something had to have happened to make all this possible. What was it?"

"I have no idea," Setsuna replied. "The gates show infinite possibilities, so it's impossible for me to tell, but whatever happened, happened recently."

"How recently?" Minako asked nervously.

"The last twenty-four hours," Setsuna promptly replied. "What do you know?"

"That Dark General that ran away last night," Usagi said. "Ami, did you record it?"

"You guys faced a Dark General and didn't think to mention it?" Haruka demanded.

"All he did was stand there, cuss, and run away," Makoto said. "Not exactly a lot to say."

"We were going to bring it up at today's meeting," Ami assured them as she brought up the recording on the Mercury computer and hit play.

Setsuna paled as the video played, pulling a bottle of whiskey out of nowhere and taking a slug as the video ended.

"Ok, that's bad," Minako noted, just in case no one else understood.

"How big a threat is he?" Haruka demanded. Haruka had to wrestle the bottle away from Setsuna to get her to stop drinking and give them an answer.

"All the power the Senshi have is based on what he is," the time guardian explained.

"He's a Senshi?" Rei asked doubtfully.

"Senshi tap into the land of their home planets for power," Setsuna explained. "A single unit of power to transform and one to three to power their attacks. Connecting the Senshi took centuries of research and a decade for each unit of power or mana they could access."

"So we access four mana at max?" Hotaru asked.

"You can access five," Setsuna said. "One mana unit for your transformation and four for your ultimate attack, the rest of us only use four total."

"And this guy?" Haruka asked.

"He's a planeswalker, though a new one from the readings," Setsuna explained. "He's tapped into somewhere between two to four mana units from these readings."

"So we have to take him before he gains any more," Makoto said with a firm nod. "With a decade between mana units, we have time."

Setsuna sighed. "It took a decade per mana unit to connect the Senshi based on what they understood and observed a planeswalker doing."

"And how long does it take a planeswalker to tap into an additional mana unit?" Ami asked.

"About three seconds," Setsuna replied.

"Stop that!" Michiru said, snatching the bottle away from Haruka.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	56. Reboot to the head

**Reboot to the head!**

Ron awoke with a start, his head pounding. He stumbled into furniture he only half-remembered having as he made his way to the bathroom. The pounding had almost stopped by the time he'd gotten the cap off the aspirin, but he took two anyway and stuck his head under the faucet, letting the water run over his scalp. His head felt like it was two sizes too small, which was no surprise as he realized he had two complete sets of memories.

A brief spark of hope died as quickly as it appeared when he realized that despite some major changes to the world, his life had followed the same general path. He'd done poorly on tests, failed to get into the same college as his best friend and they'd slowly drifted apart. He'd done his best in both timelines, but it seemed some things just weren't meant to be. It was actually a relief in a way, because while he still felt down, he no longer felt the need to blame himself. People drift apart, plans don't work out and some third thing he couldn't think of at the moment.

There were a couple of major changes however, like a number of their missions having different villains, different situations, the Justice League…

"Well… there goes my comic collection," he complained before realizing he still had a collection, though it was a bit eclectic as Marvel was a bit too dark and gritty for his tastes so he'd never collected it the way he did DC.

***KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK***

Ron opened the door and was not really surprised to find Ahbed and Annie there.

"Sorry," Annie apologized, "but Ahbed was working in the imaginarium and he insisted we see you."

"Please tell me we haven't slipped into the darkest timeline!" Ahbed begged, upset.

"I'm surprised you noticed," Ron said, much to Annie's shock and Ahbed's horror. "Whoa! I mean, we shifted from two to… three, not jumped down to six."

"That's… a relief," Ahbed said with a sigh.

"How real is this?" Annie asked cautiously.

"Real enough that I'm going to need you to pick up my homework assignments for the next couple of days while I call in some favors from various league members," Ron said sincerely.

"Didn't you say you were out of the game?" Ahbed asked.

"With the timeline shift, it's a whole new ballgame," Ron replied.

"You'll be careful, right?" Annie asked anxiously.

"Probably," Ron said with a shrug. "Can't really guarantee anything, but I'll certainly try."

"What are you going to do?" Ahbed asked.

"I'm going to call in some favors and see if I can figure out what happened," Ron answered, semi-honestly. "Of course the fact that changing the timeline probably wiped out all trace of the event, means I probably won't find anything, but I plan on trying anyway."

"Why didn't it affect you?" Ahbed asked.

"It did," Ron replied, "but I also have something that doesn't like the idea of not existing, so it provided me with a backup of my memories."

"What was the other timeline like?" Ahbed asked. "Did it have shrimp? What were we like there?"

"It was a lot like this one except with the superpowers turned down to one," Ron replied. "Yes, there were shrimp and I have no idea because I went to a completely different college. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to change."

"I'll come by to check on you and drop off your assignments," Annie said, herding Ahbed out the door.

"I'll try and be in," Ron said as he closed the door. "Bye."

Going to his closet he saw his old mission clothes hanging in the back next to his Fearless Ferret outfit. He grinned as he realized that in this universe he was the Fearless Ferret, even if it had been an infrequent event when there was a mission he didn't want connected to his name for safety's sake. In the end he simply dressed in his Dread Pirate Robert cosplay outfit, which fit him better than clothing he hadn't worn in a couple of years.

"I have gotten pudgy," he complained, before sorting through his Keys to find the one he wanted. It looked like a simple black Skeleton Key, if you didn't notice the way it absorbed light. He brought it up to the wall, the shadows forming a door that he cautiously opened, relieved that he was still on the approved list.

"Nice to see some things never change," Ron said as he stepped through the portal into Shadowcrest. Looking around the eighteenth century boarding school turned magical mansion, he remembered his one great annoyance with the place. "Where the hell am I?" he complained. Every time he entered Shadowcrest alone, he found himself in a new area, several of which Zatanna claimed did not exist. All he knew was that it was mildly annoying and he suspected it was payback for all the times he raided Zatanna's ice cream supply.

It took him a good ten minutes to find his way to the stairs and he knew he'd passes through several rooms at least twice. "This place has it in for me," he complained, as he reached the bottom floor and headed for the kitchen. Having been a boarding school, Shadowcrest naturally had a kitchen that required a dozen people to run, which is why Zatanna had remodeled the dry storage room into a smaller more intimate kitchen. It was that kitchen that Ron was currently raiding.

"One cold iron spoon," he said with a grin, as he took a specially made spoon out of his back pocket and used it to open the freezer, a bright blue spark crackling off the end of the spoon, making him laugh. "Success!" he cried on spotting the quart container of Rocky Road ice cream. He almost grabbed it before pausing and poking it with his spook, the flash of light from the ice cream blinded him for a moment, but he quickly recovered and claimed his prize. He was on his third bite when he suddenly dropped into the splits and a black clad foot swept through where his head had been. Throwing himself backwards, he avoided a follow up kick and got a clear view of who was attacking him.

"CIGAM DNIB YM EOF!" Zatanna intoned, causing bands of eldritch force to form around Ron, where they popped like soap bubbles as he dodged Batgirl's next attack.

Ron leapt onto the table, then to the top of the fridge where he sat like a gargoyle eating ice cream with a grin.

"Ron?!" Zatanna exclaimed in shock, causing Batgirl to pause. "Ron, did you just pop in after two years of not one word to steal my ice cream?"

"I sent postcards," Ron said with a frown." Come to think of it I also sent gifts and cookies during the holidays and never received a single thank you card."

"Where did you send them?" Zatanna asked.

"Here," he replied, waving his spoon around the room. "Don't you ever check the mail here?"

"We can get mail here?" Zatanna asked surprised.

"Please tell me you're joking," Ron said.

"I use a P. O. Box," Zatanna replied. "I'm not sure how a mailman would deliver to a mansion between the light and the dark."

"The front door has a little chute to the left of it that drops the mail in the mailroom," Ron said, shaking his head in disbelief, before dropping off the fridge with a barely a thump.

"Before we get into that, how did you break my magic bands?" Zatanna demanded.

"I have my own mystical powers and you didn't exactly put a lot of strength into them, now did you?" Ron said before taking another bite of her ice cream.

"Since when have you had mystical powers?" Zatanna asked before saying, "Well, I didn't expect to be restraining someone with magic."

Batgirl tilted her head to the side and watched the two curiously, saying nothing.

"Gimme that!" Zatanna said, snatching her ice cream back from Ron.

"Since always," Ron replied, figuring that was about as accurate an answer as he could give when dealing with time itself shifting. "Anyway, let's go check the Mail Room."

"Fine," she agreed, "but how do I know you didn't plant any mail there, since you've been here for at least ten minutes?"

Ron lead the way to the front door. "Because if you haven't checked your mail in the five years we've known each other, there should be a lot more mail than from just me." Turning to the right of the front door he examined the blank wall before tapping it in various places, looking for the hidden door.

"NEPO!" Zatanna intoned, causing a coat hook to fall forward and the secret door to open.

Ron stepped into the room, which held a large wooden table under a mail chute that was overflowing with mail that had scattered across the floor. The rows of empty pigeonholes lining the walls had faded yellow labels of students long gone.

"I can't believe you were right," Zatanna said in surprise. "I thought you were joking or playing a prank."

Batgirl poked through the massive pile of mail, finding a three-foot-tall stack of phone books.

"LLA LIAM EB DETROS OTNI DELLEBAL SELOHNOEGIP!" Zatanna intoned, causing a huge wind to sweep through the room, almost knocking them off their feet and leaving the mail properly sorted with thirty-seven pigeonholes labelled and filled with mail.

"See?" Ron said, pointing to three pigeonholes with his name, filled with letters and packages.

"This still doesn't explain how a postman actually got in here," Zatanna complained.

"By walking up to the door," Ron suggested.

Zatanna stormed over to the front door and threw it open revealing a thick wall of mist that blocked all sight after a few feet. "We're in a pocket dimension," she reminded him.

Ron thought about that for a minute and then began to laugh.

"What?" she asked.

"When did you first move into Shadowcrest?" he asked.

"When I was thirteen, you know that," Zatanna said.

"Yes, and if I recall, you were going through a boy crazy phase," Ron said.

"What's that got to do with anything?" Zatanna asked, blushing a little as she recalled how she acted at that age.

"Your father told you this place was in a pocket dimension, didn't he?" Ron asked with a grin.

"I've done spells that have confirmed that," she pointed out.

"Yes, but I bet they were all done inside the house, weren't they?" Ron questioned, trying not to laugh.

Zatanna stepped out to the porch and quietly cast a spell, stepping inside a couple of seconds later, looking annoyed. "And the fog?" she asked.

"It's normal fog," he answered her with a grin.

Batgirl gave Zatanna a look and she sighed and explained, "Using the Keys to come and go, pings the wards, so I couldn't sneak out and he died before he could tell me otherwise."

"So, about that favor?" Ron asked.

"Sure," Zatanna agreed. "Despite always stealing my ice cream, you haven't been a neglectful friend and I do owe you one."

"Great," Ron said as she snapped her fingers and summoned a spoon. "I need to locate a mystical artifact."

"WOHS EM EHT STCAFITRA DETCENNOC OT YM DNEIRF!" Zatanna intoned, waving her spoon like a wand. Her eyes glowed brightly for a moment. "It's in Japan."

"Not that one," Ron said. "I know where that one is. No, I'm looking for a dial whose buttons are in a futuristic language that grants temporary powers to the one who uses it."

"That should be exact enough to get a general feel for its location, provided it isn't warded as mystical items often are," Zatanna said. "LAID FO REWOP, YLLAROPMET DETIMIL, YLLARUTLUC DECNAVDA, LAEVER RUOY NOITACOL!"

An image of a black and green wristwatch buried beneath several feet of sand appeared and vanished a moment later.

"Was that the one?" Zatanna asked a white faced Ron.

"No, but it'll do," he said, wondering how many universes had been jammed together and what had happened to prevent Ben Tennyson from claiming the Omnitrix.

"Are you okay?" Zatanna asked concerned.

Ron sighed. "I will be, I just have a lot on my plate right now. Did you sense any other Dials or just that one?" he asked.

"Just that one," Zatanna replied. "Any others are warded."

"Not surprising," he said. "Can you collect that one and make sure no one puts it on? It'll bond itself to the first one who wears it."

"Sure, but what will you be doing?" she asked.

"I gotta go call in another favor and see if I can locate another dial through scientific means and locate the guy who was destined to wield that first dial," he explained.

"How did you get involved in all of this?" Zatanna asked.

"I'm partially protected from whatever changed the bearer of the Omnitrix's destiny," Ron said. "I have no reason to suspect anyone intentionally screwed him over, in fact I'm positive the change is unrelated to him, but I can't just stand by and let him get screwed over."

"Are you saying someone has messed with the timeline?" Zatanna asked concerned.

"I can name several time travelers off the top of my head, one is even a League member, and I'm not talking about the various times League members have time travelled and altered things, I mean he's from centuries in the future and his every action is altering the future," Ron said.

"You've got to be kidding me," Zatanna said looking horrified.

Ron shook his head and stole another spoonful of ice cream while she was distracted. "Time is a river, it's not static, and we happen to live in the rapids. Fortunately, it's also self-correcting to a degree, so try not to stress about it."

"Do you have to fix things a lot?" Zatanna asked.

Ron waved his spoon. "You got the wrong idea. I'm not a Timelord, this change happened to be something I had some protection against. Other changes have other people knowing about them."

"Oh," Zatanna said. "This is confusing and concerning."

"Time travel in a nutshell," Ron said with a shrug. "Well, I gotta go motor. Know a quick way to get up to the Watchtower?"

"How do you-" Zatanna sighed and flicked her wrist, producing a playing card with a number written on it. "Call up the monitor room and convince them you have a good enough reason for them to teleport you up there."

"Cool, I'll be by later to pick up the Dial and I'll try and visit more in the future. Ciao!" he said, walking out the front door and vanishing into the fog.

Zatanna shut the front door while Batgirl took off her cowl and shook out her mane of red hair. "Wanna help me sort half a decade of mail?" Zatanna said hopefully.

"Sure," Kim replied. "I'm not on patrol for another two hours."

"So, any reason you didn't speak up while Ron was here?" Zatanna asked.

"Because we haven't talked in forever and it'd be really awkward," Kim admitted. "Plus… secret identity."

"Provided he doesn't already know it and wasn't just humoring you," Zatanna teased. "Who knows what all happened in the alternate timeline he remembers."

"He could have been dating you before the time change," Kim pointed out with a grin. "Maybe that's why he was so comfortable coming in here and stealing your ice cream."

"What?" Zatanna asked, never having considered that.

"Maybe he's planning on hanging around some more because he already knows all the right spells to get into your stockings," she teased.

"Or because he knows what buttons to push to get access to your Batcave," Zatanna fired back with a grin.

Kim stuck out her tongue and stole a quick spoonful of ice cream while Zatanna was laughing.

"Where'd you get that spoon?" Zatanna asked, knowing Kim hadn't been near the silverware drawer in the kitchen.

"Utility belt," Kim said with a grin.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Hey, Flash," Ron said cheerfully, into the phone. "This is the Ron man. I need to call in that favor you owe me."

**Typed by – Sitheus Maximus / Ipsith**

**TN: Sorry about the delay people, fucked up my hand and didn't really listen to the doc's orders to let it get better first.**


	57. One wish to a customer

**One wish to a customer**

"I appreciate you all coming to my house warming party," Giles said as Buffy poked around his knick knacks while Willow examined his book cases.

"We were all glad to come," Dawn assured him before flopping on the couch and scooting over to lean against Xander.

"What she said," Oz agreed as he sat down.

"It was nice of you to invite us," Joyce said, handing him a bottle of wine.

"Yeah, it- oops!" Buffy said as she accidently knocked a small glass figurine off the shelf to shatter on the floor.

Smoke rose from the pieces forming a small man in an old fashioned suit wearing a bowler hat. "Man is it good to be out!" he exclaimed.

"Mr. Impossible?!" Xander burst out.

The small man floated over to Xander, easily avoiding Buffy's attempts to grab him. "I usually go by Mxyzptlk in this form," he said.

"Yeah, but I can't pronounce that," Xander replied, "so I figured it'd be less insulting to say the name I could pronounce correctly."

"Fair enough," the imp said cheerfully.

"You know this... being?" Giles asked as Buffy looked for a weapon and Willow moved behind Oz and started chanting.

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "He normally resides in a different dimension and spends his free time training another dimension's greatest warrior in how to use his brain while keeping everyone from getting bored."

"Finally, someone who actually pays attention," Mxyzptlk said, swooping down to shake Xander's hand. "Just for that, everyone here gets a free wish!"

"No!" Buffy exclaimed, horrified. "Wishes are bad!" she leapt at the imp, passing right through him to crash into an arm chair, knocking it over.

"Is she alright in the head?" Mxyzptlk asked snapping his fingers and causing her to float in midair where she didn't have the leverage to attack again.

Willow finished her spell, throwing out a hand... to no effect.

"Those two don't get wishes," Mxyzptlk decided, swiping his fingers and adding Willow to the floating Slayer where everyone now noticed that while their lips were moving, they weren't making any sound.

"How safe are these wishes?" Giles asked trying to figure out what was going on, but taking his cue from Xander's reactions as he seemed to be the most knowledgeable about their present situation and didn't look worried or upset.

"About eight point five on a scale of one to ten," Xander replied. "Unlike most wish granters, he's not a dick, but he does have a sense of humor and is easily bored. Considering his mood, I'd say we got lucky and it's about at nine or above right now."

"Wow, you do know me," Mxyzptlk said cheerfully. "Seeing as how I was just freed after the latest time out, no tricks this time."

"Nine point five," Xander said.

"Still not a ten?" Joyce asked.

"It's an eleven on his side, but humans making wishes aren't safe, dropping it a bit," Xander explained his thoughts.

"I wish all the demons were gone from the Earth," Joyce said.

"Done," Mxyzptlk said, snapping his fingers. The low level feel of danger that the group had grown used to vanished.

"What did you do?" Giles asked cautiously.

"Banished all demons, sealed this dimension against demonic powers, and offered mixed breeds the choice of being human or going to hell," he said smugly.

"Just like that?" Giles asked in disbelief.

"He's that powerful," Xander said. "I can't think of anything he can't do. Alter time, raise the dead, making people fall in love... all a done deal."

"I'd like to be cured please," Oz said, his normal laid back tone absent as he all but pleaded.

"Done," Mxyzptlk said with a snap of the fingers. There was no obvious effect but Oz collapsed bonelessly on the sofa with a blissful smile on his face.

"You are so going to love me," Dawn told Xander excitedly.

"Don't waste your wish," Xander told her nervously.

"I don't think having you love me would be a waste," Dawn said, looking into his eyes.

"Honey," Joyce said with a sigh, but couldn't figure out what else to say.

Xander pulled Dawn onto his lap and kissed her hard, pulling her tightly against him. When he pulled back he repeated," Don't waste your wish."

"Oh," Dawn said wide eyed and breathless. "Ok."

"That I did not expect," Giles said.

"Neither did I," Joyce said. "Not that it's unwelcome," she quickly told Xander. "The fact that Dawn is surprised shows you were more than willing to wait until she was older and haven't been abusing my trust by doing things behind my back."

"Three more wishes people," Mxyzptlk said, heavily amused at the situation.

"I wish we were all in perfect health, genetic or physical damage that would complicate the having of children removed," Giles said, trusting Xander's judgment and restoring to Buffy an ability she'd lost by becoming the Slayer.

"Done and done!" Mxyzptlk said grandly, setting the two college girls on the ground.

"What?!" Buffy exclaimed grabbing her stomach. "But I haven't had cramps since..."

"Since becoming the Slayer," Giles said. "Slayers don't have periods and no periods means..."

"No children," Joyce said. "I can't believe none of us thought of that."

"You're cured," Willow told Oz with a smile, hugging him tightly.

"Your turn," Xander told Dawn. "Think of something you want that you don't already have."

"Yes, honey," Dawn said, wondering what kind of pet names she could come up with.

"We are going to have words," Buffy told Xander with a glare.

"Two Xanders!" Dawn snapped out, glaring at Buffy.

"Done," Mxyzptlk said, snapping his fingers. Another Xander appears on the couch next to Xander. "You people kill me!" the imp exclaimed, laughing so hard he had to grab his sides.

"The powers of an X-man, all of us," Xander blurted out in stereo, shrinking back from Buffy's glare, actually afraid for his life.

"First X-man named, first power granted," Mxyzptlk announced. "Think quickly or I'll choose for ya!"

"Wolverine/Multiple man," Xander chorused before groaning as imperfections vanished and fat was replaced by muscle, his body changing to match the comicbook standard.

"Jean Grey/Marvel girl," Dawn and Willow Chorused, groaning and clinging tightly to their respective partners as their own changes hit.

"Cyclops," Oz said, closing his eyes tightly and grimacing as his body changed.

"Relax kid, you got the powers, not the brain damage that made his powers uncontrollable," Mxyzptlk assured Oz.

Oz cautiously opened his eyes, facing the ceiling. "Cool," he said softly.

"Why Cyclops?" Willow asked Oz curiously.

"He and Marvel Girl are a destined couple," he told Willow as he looked in her eyes, a rare open smile on his face.

"But Jean Grey would have been better off with Wolverine," Dawn said smugly before frowning. "You big fibber!" she glared at Xander.

"What?" Buffy asked.

"He doesn't have romantic feelings for me at all! He just did all that so I wouldn't... Ok, making you love me with a wish would have been wrong," she admitted with a sigh. "But you know what's not wrong?" she asked with a smirk.

"What?" Xander chorused nervously with himself.

"This," Dawn replied pulling his head down and giving him a gentle kiss that caused both Xander's eyes to shoot open in shock.

"What did you just do?" Willow asked having felt something with her new telepathic abilities.

"Forged a permanent mental link and showed him my heart," Dawn said smugly and wiggled in Xander's lap making him groan and wrap his arms around her to make her hold still.

"And the final three?" Mxyzptlk asked.

"I think I'm a bit old to be wearing spandex," Joyce said.

"Xander!" Dawn exclaimed as she read his mind.

"I can't help it," Xander groaned. "You can't fault me for my libido, just how I act on it," Xander said firmly.

"Need I remind you, you've shared your 'heart' with us, erm me?" the second Xander said, causing Dawn to blush and hid her face in Xander's chest as she recalled some of her own past thoughts of a hormonal nature as he thought of them.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Joyce told Xander, unable to keep from smiling as Buffy also looked horrified, "but I don't think I need powers."

"Yes, my heroing days are a bit past it as well," Giles agreed.

"Wonder Woman," Buffy said.

"That's DC," Xander pointed out.

"And not an X-man," X-2 added.

"I don't follow comics, ok?" Buffy said with a shrug. "Maybe I should call Angel-" she began only to groan as a pair of white feathered wings burst from her back and her body changed to 'proper' Marvel proportions.

"Angel is one of the X-Men, he's a man with feathered wings who can fly," Xander offered.

"I... I can fly?" Buffy almost whispered.

"Like you wouldn't believe," Mxyzptlk promised. "Well, now that powers have been distributed and the wishes are done... Superheroes belong in superhero worlds." He snapped his fingers, freezing everyone in place. "Now, you all would have been sent away by the Powers That Be anyway now that all the demons are gone... well, except for Oz, but I think we all know he'd gladly follow, so no yelling or tears."

Xander struggled to say something even knowing it was impossible.

"Separating Joyce and Giles from their children or the people who they consider their children is needlessly cruel," Mxyzptlk agreed, having read Xander's mind. "So you can visit for two weeks a year and after four years you can bring them to join you if they choose, fair enough? Think of it like going to college."

X-2 was released from being frozen in place. "Can we at least get a bright and happy comic world rather than dark and gritty?" he asked hopefully.

"Just cause you got comic book powers doesn't mean I gotta send you to a comic book world," Mxyzptlk said. "I'm planning on some place a bit different, but rest assured, it's a lot brighter than here."

"Alright," X-2 said, relieved. "Ah and can we get the general mutant enhancement for our parents? Not powers, just the general package."

"Sure, kid," Mxyzptlk said, snapping his fingers and causing Giles and Joyce to groan as they were altered. "Ciao," the imp said, snapping his fingers a final time and vanishing in a flash of light that blinded everyone.

When they could see again, they found themselves sitting on Giles couch and love seat in a forest glade.

"I'm not sensing any people," Willow announced, looking around.

"Me neither," Dawn agreed. "Lots of animals and such though."

A shadow passed over the glade, causing them all to look up. Fifty feet of scaled flesh passed by far overhead, taking no note of them.

"Ok, that was a dragon," Buffy said. "You all saw it, right?"

"Probably not as well as you did," Xander said.

"Ok, now I can identify dragons," Willow announced. "Didn't catch it last time because I had no idea what dragon minds felt like."

"Yep, and... no other dragons in range either," Dawn agreed.

"Ok... so..." Xander trailed off.

"Not your fault, nobody blames you," Dawn quickly assured him, still sitting in his lap and giving him a squeeze.

"So, what do we do now?" X-2 asked, looking relieved.

"We need food and shelter," Oz said, speaking up for once. "After that's been taken care of then we can make plans."

"The dragon was heading north towards the mountains," Buffy said. "I say we look for a cave so we have some shelter while we take stock of our situation, there should be some nearby."

The couch, Dawn and the two Xander's were on, levitated off the ground. "Lead the way," Dawn said.

"You're going to float the whole way while carrying a sofa and both Xanders?" Buffy asked.

The love seat levitated off the ground, holding Oz and Willow. "We have more than enough power," Willow assured her. "Want a lift?"

"Room on the couch?" Buffy asked Dawn.

"Sure," Dawn agreed, floating Buffy to the other end of the sofa while pulling X-2 closer to herself and laying her legs across his lap.

"North," Willow said and they took to the skies on a grey livingroom set, if by skies you mean seven feet off the ground at a walking pace.

"Why so low and slow?" Buffy asked.

"Dragons," the rest of the group chorused.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

**AN: Random thoughts while I was bored. Why are there so few BtVS cast in D&amp;D worlds? Middle Earth doesn't count, they all seem to be the same story anyway, Buffy joins the Fellowship is generally awesome and runs off with the Leggy Lass. I'm surprised no one has made her a hobbit as a joke. Anyway… I wrote this up as a general setup to drop the group into a generic D&amp;D world where we could see them adapt and cause chaos to a medieval society with magic and monsters. **


	58. With Sprinkles 3

**With Sprinkles 3**

**Chapter 1 – YSEMF 52**

**Chapter 2 – YASEMF 55**

"Here," Xander said, causing Anko to stop and set him down.

"Here?" Anko asked curiously. "I thought we had to travel a lot farther, I mean, this is scrubland."

"Which counts as white and red," Xander explained as he felt the nature of the ground around him and found something interesting. "Do you guys have a hidden base out here?"

"If there is one, it isn't ours," Anko said, signaling for their hidden escort to be on alert.

"It's old and empty," Xander said. "I'm not sensing any traps either." He approached a sandy hill and slowly circled it. "It's in there."

Anko flashed through a number of hand seals and dove into the ground like it was water.

"That still looks cool as hell," Xander said.

A stone door opened out from the hillside, pushing aside nearly a foot of sand and dirt, revealing Anko with a grin on her face. "Come on in," Anko told him. "I think you'll get a kick out of this."

"What is it?" Xander asked as he entered the stone doorway, noting the glowing seals on the ceiling providing light.

"You tell me," Anko replied, gesturing to the end of the hall where it opened up into a circular room with another exit.

Xander examined the room noting the large circular bed and peeking his head out the other exit and finding a perpetually running shower and toilet. "It's… a love nest!" he said in surprise.

"Probably started out as a campsite," Anko said with a grin, "but after stopping here while on patrol so many times, someone built an underground room for safety and comfort and it kinda evolved from there. This place hasn't been used in decades, but the last couple who used it shed enough chakra that everything is still powered."

"Shed?" Xander asked curiously.

"There are a number of activities that help increase your chakra flow, which also tend to release excess chakra into your surroundings," Anko explained. "Would you like me to show you one?"

"Sure," Xander replied.

Anko gestured and the stone door closed. "I was hoping you'd say that." Her clothes quickly dropped to the floor and she pushed Xander onto the bed.

"Ah!" Xander said as he realized what she meant.

**Half an hour later…**

"And now the place is saturated with our chakra," Anko said smugly.

Xander chuckled. "Glad this place has its own shower."

"Considering who I suspect used this place, I'm surprised it doesn't have a hot tub," Anko said running a finger down Xander's chest.

"I'd ask who it was, but the answers would be meaningless to me," Xander said. "Wanna shower with me?"

"Love to," Anko said, "but we really should spend at least some of our time doing what we're supposed to."

"If they complain, tell them it helps me adjust to the new mana flow," Xander suggested.

"Doubt they'll but it," Anko said, allowing him to lead her to the shower.

"It's actually true," Xander told her. "I need a little time to get used to each new connection and this seems to speed that up."

"In that case I best get back to work," Anko said with a smirk.

"Nose to the grindstone, that's us!" Xander agreed.

**Six hours later…**

"Report," Sarutobi ordered, taking a puff from his pipe.

"Xander needed a little time at each stop to adjust to the new mana connection," Anko replied, "but a little physical activity helped speed up the process, so we managed to add five more mana to his pool. He said he can cast the healing spell twice today without a problem."

"When he's finished with lunch, Jiraiya has a handful of volunteers at the hospital," Sarutobi told Anko. "Depending on the results of the first test, we'll gather a group for a second casting."

"Yes, Sir," Anko said cheerfully.

"How would you evaluate him?" Sarutobi asked curiously.

"Powerful, kind, and probably too good to be true," Anko admitted with a sigh. "I mean, how many people do you run into that are exactly what they seem with no hidden agendas or dark secrets?"

"And yet you still chose to start a relationship with him," Sarutobi noted, leaning back in his chair.

"Relationship is a strong word," Anko replied with a wince. "I prefer to think of it as spending time with someone until they reveal they're an asshole. It's just human nature."

Sarutobi nodded. "Humans can be disappointing at times," he agreed, amusement in his eyes. "Dismissed."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Kurenai saw the stranger Anko had been showing around the village and decided to introduce herself. It was rare to find Anko interested enough in someone to be seen in public with them, so it was probably a good idea to make sure he wasn't a creep.

**Two minutes later…**

Anko smiled as she saw Xander sitting at the counter talking to a friend of hers but the smile faded as she saw her friend becoming upset and a memory of something she'd done last night arose…

"Hell viewing technique!" Kurenai called out, hands flashing through signs as she cast her genjutsu.

"Kurenai, No!" Anko yelled, as she shunshined into the ramen stand.

"Kurenai, Yes!" Kurenai shot back. "You have no idea what he just suggested!"

"Interesting," Xander said completely unruffled, "but that's not remotely what hell looks like."

"Kai!" Anko called out, halting the genjutsu. "She wasn't with us last night, that was me using a henge on a clone."

"I know that," Xander replied.

"Then why did you hit on me?!" Kurenai demanded.

"I thought Anko cast it right this time," Xander said.

"I cast it right last night," Anko said with an offended huff. "Henge!" Anko turned into a duplicate of Kurenai.

"I can still it's you," Xander said. "A transparent layer of color doesn't fool anyone."

"Henge," Kurenai said, turning into a duplicate of Anko.

"I can see through both of them," Xander said.

"Oh," said Kurenai, dropping her henge, with Anko doing the same. "So you hit on me thinking I was her," Kurenai said awkwardly.

Xander shrugged. "If Anko wants to do a little roleplay, I'm up for it."

"And on that note, the Hokage says everything is ready for you at the hospital," Anko said, embarrassed that Xander hadn't even noticed some of the things she'd used to spice things up the night before.

**At the hospital**

Jiraiya rechecked his monitoring seals. Even if he couldn't detect everything Xander did when casting a spell, he could detect everything the spell did to a person.

There were thirty people in the room, encompassing a full range of people of different ages, both sexes, and cause of injuries. Despite Jiraiya's belief that Xander was being honest about his technique and its effects, none of the patients were valuable personnel. If it worked on this group, then Sarutobi would allow Jiraiya to bring in medically retired Jounin and Special Jounin.

"Just in here," the nurse said, leading Xander and Anko into the room.

"Jiraiya!" Xander called out cheerfully, as he took in the wide variety of patients.

"Hey, kid," the Toad Sage replied. "I got a room full of patients for you."

Xander nodded. "I also see the monitoring seals, which is good because it'll help me find the limits of the spell and maybe suggest some improvements I can make."

"Let me get out of the way, and you can fire away," Jiraiya said excitedly.

Xander took a deep breath and raised his right hand above his head, white light beginning to gather in his palm, causing it to glow like the sun. He swung his glowing hand in a large circle, leaning down to almost touch the ground, his right leg coming up to counter balance his sharp movement, all while calling out, "Moon healing Escalation!"

A wall of healing magic filled the room in front of him, blinding everyone.

"Holy fuck, that's powerful!" Anko exclaimed. "Also girly as hell."

"You should see the girl who cast it," Xander said, shaking his head. "As a matter of fact…Henge!" With a burst of smoke, Xander turned into an exact duplicate of Sailor Moon.

Anko lost it, falling down laughing while Jiraiya just snorted and went to check his seals. "I didn't know you'd mastered henge," Anko said as she wiped tears of laughter from her eyes.

"Simple spells… or jutsu, I can get," Xander replied, feeling the hair on her head, "though I probably don't do them exactly the same way you guys do them."

Anko reached out and felt Xander's chest. "Yeah, this is a bit more solid than how we do it."

Xander dropped the henge. "I've got the ones you teach pre-teens and the basic elemental attacks down, but I'll have to really study the more complicated jutsu before I can use them."

The patients were examining themselves and each other with broad smiles, everyone glowing with health and even limbs that had been missing were back.

Jiraiya returned with a stack of tags. "This looks great, but there seems to be a mental component as well."

"White mana is also known as Soldier's Mana," Xander explained, "it enhances the qualities you'd expect to see in a soldier. Have one of your mindwalkers take a look and they should be able to confirm it."

"And healing is usually done with green mana," Jiraiya said thoughtfully. "What effect does green have on the mind?"

"It is also known as Nature's Mana," Xander explained, "it enhances natural instincts, so unless you're in the middle of battle it mainly enhances the libido."

"Now that sounds useful," Jiraiya said, looking interested.

"People aren't just interested in sex, they also want kids," Xander said, "so you could have a couple who planned on waiting, changing their mind until it wore off."

"How long does the effect last?" Jiraiya asked, thinking of several possible uses for that side effect as well.

"Depends on the person," Xander said thoughtfully, as he considered his own instinctive knowledge of the subject. "If they really didn't want kids, they would be back to normal in a day or two, but if they found the idea attractive, it could last weeks."

"If we take you out to a forest to connect you to a little green mana, you aren't going to suddenly go kid crazy are you?" Anko asked carefully.

Xander laughed. "While I'm not immune, I can throw off the effect at will."

"Good," Anko said, looking relieved.

"How long would it take you to revise the spell to use green mana?" Jiraiya asked.

"No clue," Xander admitted. "I'm pretty sure I need a lot more experience with healing magics before I can even try."

"Something for the future then," Jiraiya said cheerfully, as he examined various readings with a great deal of satisfaction. "I should have all the tests done by tomorrow, then we can start turning a profit! In the meantime, go out and have some fun."

Xander caught the small bag of money that Jiraiya tossed to him. "I'll be sure to do that."

"Wanna pick up some green mana?" Anko asked.

"I could use some," Xander agreed.

"Good, I'll show you one of my favorite training grounds," Anko said, "and can you use green mana to deliberately set off the baby craze?"

"I think so," Xander agreed. "Why?"

"A couple of pranks and payback for Kurenai," Anko said with a smirk.

"This has bad idea written all over it," Xander said.

"Yes, but in between that it reads 'good time'!" Anko promised, pressing herself against him.

"Can't argue with that," Xander agreed as he let Anko lead him off.

Jiraiya chuckled and signaled for one of the hidden ANBU to stay behind. "You were caught by his jutsu, you gotta be checked as well."

Taking off his mask, Hayate nodded. Taking a deep breath and not feeling the slightest urge to cough, he said unrepentantly, "I've seen enough of the kid to think it worth the risk."

"I figured you might," Jiraiya said with a smirk, taking Hayate's ANBU mask and removing a hidden monitoring seal.

**Typed by – Sitheus Maximus / Ipsith**


	59. Loki, lord of 2

**Loki Lord of the… 2**

**Yet Again Still Even More Fragments Chapter 52 : Part 1  
**

"Why so... old fashioned?" Xander asked, waving a hand at Dresden's place.

"Because magic disrupts technology," Harry replied.

"Mine never did," Xander said, taking a closer look at Harry and trying to see how his spiritual presence affected nearby reality.

"What are you, exactly?" Molly asked, making Harry groan and Michael sigh.

"I was planning on subtly finding that out," Harry told Molly. "The fact that crossing my threshold doesn't seem to have affected him is a bit worrying though."

Xander turned to Molly. "In a past life I was seriously important to the Norse people, other cultures labeled me as a Norse god, however the Norse didn't really worship gods as such, it was more like a college basketball player looking up to Michael Jordon."

"So what's your rookie card say?" Molly asked.

"God of fire, chaos, and trickery," Xander said proudly. "I was sent to be reborn as a mortal because I told them all to fuck off when they tried to make me follow prophecy and be their scapegoat."

"Loki," Harry said tersely.

"In the flesh," Xander agreed. "They want me to play the part of Judas in their little end of the world game, but I refused. If they want to end the world, they'll have to do it themselves."

"They want to end the world?" Molly asked, wondering if this Loki was radically different from the local Loki since he didn't know about the Never-Never.

"Asgardians live for battle," Xander explained, "so Ragnarok is like the Superbowl to them, but they also need to be seen as just and righteous warriors so they need a villain. I'm the least warlike among them so they tried to cast me in the role. Naturally I refused and the more they tried to push me into that role, the more I rebelled."

"That... makes a lot of sense," Molly said thoughtfully.

"No resentment about being adopted?" Harry asked.

"No," Xander waved it off. "Though not telling me was a dick move. The whole resentful and rebellion adopted child trope is stupid, plus since Odin actually wants me to become evil and turn on them, I can frustrate and rebel against him just by not doing so."

"How is it you're a giant and never knew?" Molly asked curiously.

"Magic and being an exceptionally short giant," Xander replied with a shrug. "Giants aren't like you're thinking, the Joutun were only a dozen feet tall."

"So you're a midget giant?" Molly teased.

Xander laughed. "That's it exactly and as long as I'm wearing pants you'd never know I was of giant blood."

"Pants?" Harry asked.

"Like most midgets though my limbs may be short, the genitals are regulation size. You have no idea how often I teased Thor about being 'larger' even if he was taller." Xander tapped his chin thoughtfully. "That may be why he hates the giants so much, penis envy."

"You're joking!" Molly exclaimed, wide eyed.

"This topic is not something I wish to hear about," Michael said politely.

"It is a bit crude," Xander agreed. "And in a complete change of topic... any idea how to get me home?"

"I could contact our Odin," Harry suggested. "As long as you have no problem with your adopted father's counterpart, he is probably your safest bet for a way home."

"What's he like?" Xander asked cautiously. "I mean, mine's a dick who raised me to fulfill a prophecy, what's his local self like?"

"A Hell's Angel crossed with Santa Claus," Molly offered. "That's pretty much literal too. He's Old saint Nick and run's with the Wild Hunt."

Xander sat down, his bag waddling over to rub up against his leg like a cat. He stroked it absently while he tried to picture his father as a cross between Santa and a biker.

"I know," Molly said, "total shocker."

"You OK?" Harry asked.

"I think I blew a lobe," Xander replied. "Wow, just wow."

"It'll take some time to set up a meeting, so let me know when you make up your mind and I'll start the process," Harry said.

"I have to meet him, possibly get pictures taken with me on his lap," Xander said. "Because one, it'll annoy my father and two, I bet Willow, Santa was real when I was eight and I'll need proof to collect on that."

"I'll make the call," Harry said picking up an old rotary phone and slowly dialing a number.

"You could probably use newer tech just by putting cold iron rings around electronics," Xander suggested as he watched Harry's magic interact with the antique device.

"That's been tried before but the iron eventually soaks up enough magic to explode, kinda like a grenade," Harry replied.

"Enchant a copper rod to draw off excess magic and just remember to drain it regularly," Xander suggested.

"That could- Hello?" Harry quickly turned his attention to the phone.

"As things seem to be well in hand, I best get home," Michael said, giving Molly a hug.

Harry waved but kept his attention on his call, speaking softly but intently into the phone.

Molly waited until her father had left before asking Xander, "How would you suggest warding... personal devices?"

"Make a magical substitute," Xander suggested. "Rip the interior out of a vibrator and replace it with a series of magnets around a rotating shaft. As long as they aren't perfectly balanced, which is hard to do on purpose much less on accident, they'll vibrate just fine."

"That's not an off the cuff design is it?" Molly asked.

"Masturbating is a lot more fun when you're female," Xander told her, "plus you get really good at controlling your magical output when distracted or under pressure this way."

"That would do it," Molly agreed. "Does it take a lot of magic to operate one?"

"Depends on the materials used in construction," Xander replied. "You can actually use them as magical weights to strengthen yourself."

"Please stop corrupting my apprentice," Harry said.

"Masturbation is not corruption," Xander said.

"Combining sex and magic can lead down a very dark path," Harry countered.

"Relax, we're talking simple magic powered vibrators here, nothing involving any rituals or even other people," Xander disagreed. "there is no enhancing of pleasure beyond what a couple of D-cells would grant any college girl."

"Alright," Harry said clearly embarrassed. "I've gotten an appointment to meet with Odin on Tuesday, so we just have to figure out what to do with you until then."

"The cash I have on me is from a different world, so it probably counts as counterfeit," Xander said thoughtfully. "Fortunately I do have some magical talents that come in handy in this situation. I'll simply transform into something and find a nice tree to stay in."

"Probably not the best of ideas," Harry said with a sigh. "The Red Court is currently at war with the White Counsel and that means all wizards are being stalked by Red Court vampires. It's likely at least one saw you arrive and would target you for attack just for having been seen in my company."

"So by having met you, I am guaranteed to be attacked by a large number of vampires?" Xander asked blandly.

"Yes, sorry," Harry apologized.

Xander grinned widely. "Anyone want to guess what one of my least favorite creatures are? I'll give you a hint, they are flammable."

"So you don't find the idea of vampires attacking you upsetting?" Harry asked just to be sure.

"It saves me the trouble of hunting them down myself," Xander said. "Vamps are just below Nazis in my list of things to set on fire."

"Hates vampires and likes to set them on fire," Molly said with a grin. "I wonder who else that could describe."

Harry rolled his eyes and Xander chuckled.

"It also solves my money problems as vamps tend to carry a lot of cash on them, since banks don't have night hours," Xander said cheerfully.

"Excellent," Molly said cheerfully, "but before that let's go buy all the little things I need for my personal massager."

"Normally I'd say we could get everything we need from Hot Topic or something similar, but their sex toys use cheap plastic and rather than rely on transmutation to get around it, I say we hit up a set shop for a greater variety of base materials," Xander suggested.

"Practical," Molly said cheerfully, "I'm all for it, plus transmutation is kind of a big deal, so I doubt I could pull it off."

"Magic styles and strengths differ," Xander said unconcerned, his figure melting into a black haired, brown eyed copy of Molly. "Now let's go lure some vamps out and roll them for cash for our project."

Molly laughed.

"Michael is going to kill me," Harry muttered.

"Dad wouldn't hurt you for this," Molly said waving it off.

"Yeah? How about Charity?" he asked.

"Light maiming, nothing that won't grow back," Molly promised.

"Oh, well if that's all, then let's go," Harry said sarcastically.

"OK," Molly and Xander chorused.

"I didn't- nevermind," Harry muttered, following the two young women.

**Half an hour later...**

"Die wizard!" the lead vampire screamed as he leapt forward, swinging a bike chain at Harry's head.

"Fuego!" Harry intoned, throwing out a hand and causing a cone of fire to engulf half a dozen vamps, meanwhile Xander had stepped in front of Molly and snapped the neck of a vampire who had lunged at her, before doing the same to the two behind him, well before they could do much more than snarl.

"These aren't as flammable as the vamps I'm used to," Xander noted, stomping on the necks of some lightly charred vamps.

"Black court vampires are the flammable ones," Harry offered as Xander quickly and efficiently rolled the group for cash and valuables, gathering an impressive wad.

"These are all about illusions and addictive saliva," Molly agreed with a shudder.

Xander waved a hand and flames coated the bodies slowly turning blue as it incinerated everything including the bones of the monsters. "Learn something new every day."

"A couple more attacks like that and we could buy a sex shop," Molly said, as Xander and Harry got into a discussion about fire magic that was a bit beyond her.

"Oh look, an empty alley," Molly said loudly. "I bet this is a shortcut!"

"Seriously?" Harry asked her as they cut down the alley. "They aren't that..." his voice trailed off and he sighed as vamps came out of the shadows to block both sides of the alley.

"At least they remain as stupid as vamps from my home town," Xander said cheerfully, bouncing on her heels and making her breasts bounce.

"Do my breasts really look that good when I do that?" Molly asked Harry.

Harry quickly turned to the back of the alley. "Can't talk, fighting vamps! Fuego!"

Molly smirked, feeling perfectly safe between the two as they destroyed the vamps and she plotted out how to use this to get Harry to see her as more than just his apprentice.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	60. The Power of 2 (NSFW)

**The Power Of… 2 NSFW**

**YASEMF Chapter 53 : Part 1**

"Ok, we've tried various attack phrases and poses and nothing has worked," Wesley noted on a pad of paper.

"Thankfully," Xander agreed with a shiver.

"We may need henshin rods or something similar for it to work," Oz said, hiding his amusement at Xander's horrified look.

"Possibly, but doubtful," Giles said, much to Xander's relief. "I think we're going to have to dismiss cartoons, even perverted ones, as the trigger for Xander's powers."

"I concur," Wesley agreed. "I believe that we should move on to actual pornography at this time."

"Can't be anymore awkward than what we've seen so far," Xander said

**5 Horrifying hours later...**

"And I'm out," Oz said.

"I don't blame you," Xander said, "Even skipping around and just watching five minute segments of these things, I feel mentally scarred and horrified at what some of the possibilities are."

"Plus, I have band practice to get to," Oz added.

"You guys practice?" Xander asked doubtfully.

"When it's a convenient excuse," Oz deadpanned before making his exit.

"I think he may have a point," Giles said with a sigh as the door closed behind Oz.

"Pardon?" Wesley asked. "What point would that be?"

"That we've seen enough horrors for one day. I think we've reached the end of their selection anyway, all we've been seeing are variations on the same themes for the last three hours. I say we call it a day," Giles suggested.

"I second that!" Xander called out. "Motion carried!" He fled the apartment before anyone could stop him.

"I feel like having a few drinks to clear what I've seen from my mind but I suppose I should write down the most promising ideas first," Wesley said.

"How about you write them down while I prepare us some drinks?" Giles suggested.

"That would be much appreciated," Wesley said gratefully.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"Aw crap!" Xander said as he spotted the three vampires. At the moment he would have gladly accepted a tiny skirt and ridiculous transformation scene if it let him survive was what coming up. He took a deep breath and wracked his brain for something he hadn't tried yet when he noticed... the silence.

Looking around he saw that nothing was moving, everything was frozen in place except for him.

Xander sighed in relief as he recalled that time-stop was a Japanese porn genre, which made a lot of sense since anyone who could stop time would end up using it for immoral purposes, unlike in Disney movies where all they did was play a few practical jokes.

Approaching the three frozen vamps, he considered how best to handle them and began to grin evilly. Pulling out a red marker he turned to the vampire on the right and wrote 'COCK GOES HERE' on his forehead with an arrow leading to his mouth, which he circled, before coloring his lips red as well.

Taking out a pair of shears, he cut his pants off, pocketing his wallet before tossing them away, leaving him standing there in his boxers. Seeing how hairy the guy's legs were, Xander took out a roll of duct tape and fixed that.

The vampire in the middle was female, a bit short, had a large rack, and a skirt that was surprisingly modest. Xander copped a feel while removing her bra, noting they actually felt pretty warm and soft. He'd expected her breasts to feel cold and stiff. He fastened her bra around the vampire on the right's head like a bonnet.

Using his shears, he cut her mini skirt down to belt size. "Granny panties?" Xander asked, shaking his head. "That just won't do." Pulling off her panties, he made a mask of them for the vamp on the left to wear. "That is an impressive bush," he told her, bringing out the duct tape once more, "but with the heat around here, I'm sure you'd be much more comfortable with a brazillian." It took a surprising amount of tape to remove all her pubic hair and he wrote a quick 'Kilroy was here' note so it didn't look so bare.

The vampire on the left Xander turned to face the other two, placing the used duct tape and marker in his hands.

While checking them one more time for valuables, his hands lingering on the female vamp, he got an idea and put stakes in the hands of the two vamps he'd given a quick dirty hair removal treatment to.

He wasn't sure how much longer the time stop would last for, though he suspected the answer was until he wanted it to end, but decided to play it safe this once and started walking. He was two blocks away when he heard two screams of pain followed by fighting noises.

Xander's grin faded as he realized how out of character he'd acted. He'd acted like... one of the Japanese porn stars. Well... maybe not quite that bad, his actions were rather tame, but now that he thought of it, theirs had all started out rather tame as well, getting increasingly perverse with each scene.

"Well crap," Xander groaned. He'd been hoping for anime powers, but he'd definitely received Japanese porn powers and they were ones that got more perverted with repeated use! He winced as he took another step and one of the gold earrings in his pocket poked him. A quick feel of his pocket revealed a large wad of cash and jewelry. "Then again, porno powers aren't all bad," Xander said thoughtfully.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"I've got good news and bad news," Xander announced as he entered the library, having decided to wait until lunch when everyone was together before revealing what had happened.

"You discovered what your powers are," Buffy guessed.

"A big yes on that," Xander agreed. "As powers go, they are awesome."

"Is there a tiny skirt involved?" Cordelia demanded.

"No, well yes," Xander replied as he thought about it. "Not on me though. Let me tell you the whole story."

"We're listening," Giles said, waving for the others to be quiet.

"After I left last night, three vampires almost made a meal of me," Xander explained. "At that point, a short skirt and superpowers would have been welcome, but instead what I got was everything freezing in place."

"Time stop," Oz and Wesley chorused, glancing at each other in surprise for a moment.

"That would be good news," Giles agreed, thinking of how easy it would be to take out one's enemies if you could stop time.

"So what's the bad?" Buffy asked.

"The bad is that I started acting like someone who discovered they could stop time in a Japanese porn," Xander replied.

Both Watchers and even Oz gave a visible wince.

"You sexed up the vamps?" Buffy asked, making a face as she guessed what had occurred.

"No," Xander said, shaking his head. He was tempted to make a comment about her and Angel after the face she made but managed to stop himself, if barely. "I cut up their clothes, mugged them, and played a prank involving duct tape and body hair before putting stakes in their hands and leaving it looking like one of them was responsible. I didn't stick around to see how it turned out, but I heard them fighting one another as I beat feet."

"You couldn't just stake them?" Buffy asked.

"Didn't even occur to me," Xander admitted. "I'm guess I'm bound by porno rules when I use it and unfortunately the characters who get it just got more perverted the more they use it."

"Meaning?" Buffy asked.

"Meaning if we were surrounded by vamps, I could use it to save our lives, but..." Xander trailed off, unable to finish.

"But you'd probably have intercourse," Wesley explained.

"What?!" Buffy asked, wide eyed, Cordelia and Willow also looking horrified.

"I would suggest everyone makes sure they are nowhere close by when I use it," Xander said. "I felt like I got off lucky when it didn't make me bone a vamp, but I still felt one up."

"First use is generally mild like that," Wesley recalled.

"Exactly," Xander agreed. "Everything seemed perfectly natural to do until it was all over and I was a couple of blocks away with a wad of cash and jewelry."

"And how do we know this all isn't just you being a perv?!" Cordelia demanded.

Xander glared at her. "Because then I wouldn't have said a word and you would just find yourself nude in public and somewhat sticky, over and over."

"That's horrible!" Willow exclaimed.

"Yeah, and something else weird, I used a marker to write on the vamps and duct tape to remove hair," Xander said shaking his head.

"How is that strange?" Buffy asked.

"He wasn't carrying them when he left," Giles said.

"How do you know?" Buffy asked.

"Because while he may have been carrying a marker and we wouldn't have noticed, a roll of duct tape is another matter entirely," Giles replied.

"That is a very strange power," Oz said.

"That's Japanese porn for you," Xander replied with a shrug.

"How do you turn it on and off?" Wesley asked.

Xander frowned. "I think it activates itself when I'm in trouble," he admitted. "I may be able to end it early, but I'm not sure."

"I am so not going patrolling with you," Buffy said, the others girls quickly chiming in their agreement.

"I don't blame you," Xander said. "Well, at least this was one of the tamer powers I could have gotten."

"Tentacles?" Oz guessed.

"Exactly," Xander agreed. "Invisibility and 'someone else's problem' field would have been ok, but not nearly as useful."

"How are you going to learn about your power without placing yourself in danger?" Wesley asked as Faith finally arrived.

Xander thought about that. "I... think I'm going to put myself in dangerous situations," he admitted. "Or rather just go about my usual in Sunnydale," he added.

"What'd I miss?" Faith asked.

"I discovered my Japanese porn power," Xander told her. "It's stopping time."

"And being a perv!" Cordelia quickly added.

"While time is stopped I act like a guy in a porno," Xander explained. "Last night I stripped and pranked two vamps, felt up one, mugged all three, and made it look like one of them was responsible so they would fight."

"Sounds like fun," Faith said with a grin. "I really should start getting up early so I don't miss when all this weird shit goes down."

"Odds are each use of my power is going to get even more pervy, so yeah I could save your life, but you'd end up naked, sticky, and in the middle of an orgasm when the time stop ends," Xander explained.

"Boys always talk a big game, but they leave you high and dry more often than not," Faith said shaking her head.

"it's part of the power," Xander explained, "Despite everything happening in null time, you'll respond like its great sex condensed into an instant. At least that's what happens in the porno this is based on."

"Most of this is guess work, right?" Faith asked.

"Yeah, the cram course in porn we did last night gave me at least a clue about how it all should work, but it's all guesswork," he agreed.

"I'll chance it," Faith decided, noting the pissed off look on Cordelia's face and how Willow froze up with a great deal of amusement.

"It is going to get weird," Xander warned her. "I used duct tape to give a vamp a quick waxing and then wrote 'Kilroy was here'."

"Already shaved," Faith replied, "It'll be fine."

"Ok," Xander agreed, "It'll be safe with you along and should keep me safe from boning any vamps."

"Also good," Faith agreed. "I should probably catch some of that porn before we start though."

"It's all at Wesley's place," Xander replied. "Mind if we borrow your place?" he asked the younger watcher.

"Not at all," Wesley said before he caught Cordelia's glare. "I mean, we'll come with you," he quickly said.

"I should see what this time stop thing is all about," Cordelia agreed, sliding her arm through Wesley's.

"Um," Willow said, but was unable to think of what to add.

"We'll drive," Oz offered, taking Willow's hand.

"What just happened?" Giles asked, once the others had left.

"Couples night porn viewing," Buffy guessed. "Wanna go patrolling with me?"

"It's probably safer," Giles agreed. "Let me grab my coat and stakes."

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

**Typer's note: What the buck did I just read? XD**

**Author's Note: Canon going seriously off the rails.**


	61. Reboot to the head 2

**Reboot To The Head 2**

**Chapter 1 – YASEMF 56**

"Hey, Flash!" Ron said cheerfully as he materialized on the watchtower.

"Ferret?" The Flash asked, looking him over.

"I gained some weight in college, so I had to improvise a costume," Ron admitted.

"Dread Pirate Roberts?" The Flash guessed with a grin, having liked that movie.

"Bingo," Ron agreed.

"So what was the favor you needed?" The Flash asked.

"I've got a number of things I gotta check up on," Ron replied. "Something screwed with destiny and I've already discovered one person that I gotta put back on track, but first I have to find him. Not to mention seeing if any of the others have also gone walkabout."

"I'm going to pretend I understood that," The Flash decided. "So what can I do to help?"

"Is The Question available?" Ron asked, thinking of the eccentric detective.

"Never heard of him," The Flash admitted, making Ron sigh.

"Okay two people to look for and set right," Ron grumbled. "Got an open terminal I can run some searches on?"

"Not at the moment," Batman said as he stalked into the monitor room. "We're dealing with a situation that required all available computer resources and even if that wasn't occurring, you aren't authorized to use League Resources. Before I'd allow you access, you'd have to be a League member and there aren't any openings at this time."

"Plan C it is then," Ron said. "Can you 'Port me down to Wayne Manor?" Ron asked The Flash.

Batman stiffened, but it was so brief that only the The Flash caught it.

"What's at Wayne Manor?" The Flash asked, trying and failing to sound casual.

"Alfred Pennyworth, who is looking for the secret to Martha Wayne's Peanut Butter and Banana Cookies," Ron explained. "Or at least he should be."

"And you know the secret?" The Flash asked.

"I know the secret," Ron agreed as he recalled a Christmas one shot on Alfred he'd read in another life.

"And how will that allow you access to our files?" Batman asked, his tone giving away nothing.

"Alfred's looking for the secret for Bruce Wayne, the heir to Wayne Industries who finances the League." Ron pointed out. "Plus, I'm trying to track down and assist two orphans. Getting Wayne to help me is a shoe in. He may be a bit of a party boy, but as far as I know he's not a heartless dick."

"You've got a point there," The Flash agreed, trying not to laugh.

"Besides I don't need League Resources specifically, everything I want should be a matter of public record," Ron replied with a shrug. "I was going to use the League Computers because they were faster, not because they held anything special."

"To the Manor it is then," The Flash said cheerfully, as Batman gave him a covert signal and he teleported Ron down. "I was almost sure he knew," The Flash said with a laugh.

"He probably does," Batman replied. "In fact I'd bet on it; his tone of voice and body language say he knows."

"And the reason you look so laid back about it?" The Flash asked, surprised. "I mean shouldn't you be figuring out a way to convince him he's wrong?"

"When I investigated Batgirl, I also did a thorough job investigating her close friends and family," Batman explained. "Ferret isn't a threat."

The The Flash regarded Batman for a moment his mind flying through various trains of thought at the speed of light. "By having him use Wayne resources you also get to track what he's doing," he said as he figured out Batman's angle.

"And I get to share my Mothers cookies with my family," Batman admitted, his eyes looking into the past.

Knowing how rare it was for Batman to share anything, The Flash wisely kept silent…. for a whole two seconds. "You'll share with me, right?"

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"But seriously, who knows what the other timeline was like?" Kim said as she dug into her ice cream, Zatanna having gotten her a bowl so her own would be safe from Kim's raiding.

"We could peek," Zatanna suggested thoughtfully.

"Seriously?" Kim asked. "You actually have a spell for that?"

"Of course not," Zatanna said, shaking her head. "We have a scrying pool and he left traces of his mystical aura all over the kitchen," Zatanna explained, waving her hand towards the fridge.

"An aura from a magical artifact that he connected to in Japan?" Kim asked. "How does that help?"

"He claims he was always connected to it, but this is the first time we've seen him use those powers, so I'm pretty sure he connected to it in the other timeline," Zatanna explained. "Thus it provides a link I can use so we can catch a glimpse of the timeline it originated in."

"That's so far beyond me, you could just say Care Bear Stare Power and I'd believe it," Kim admitted.

Zatanna laughed. "You just grab a piece of crystal and move it through where he used that mystical aura of his and it'll hoover it up," Zatanna replied, walking to the kitchen and retrieving a shot glass.

"I thought you'd need something special," Kim said.

"Glass is a form of crystal," Zatanna replied. " **LACITSYM ARUA EMOCEB ELBISIV**!" she intoned, causing bright blue trails of light to become visible in front of the fridge.

"He really sprayed it around," Kim noted as Zatanna waved the glass through the trails, the shot glass sucking in the leftover energy.

"Yes, but which one of us caused such an energetic reaction?" Zatanna teased as she soaked up the last of the energy, making the glass look like it was on fire as blue flames danced across the surface.

"You're the one who immediately tried to see if he was into bondage," Kim sang before giggling.

"This from the woman dressed in a full body latex outfit?" Zatanna fired back.

The pair lost it and laughed till tears came to their eyes.

"Come on," Zatanna said, "let's see what we can see."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I can't believe I missed that," Alfred said, shaking his head as he pulled a tray full of cookies out of the oven, inhaling the aroma and smiling.

"Most people are unaware that the bananas they are eating are not the ones their grandparents ate," Ron replied. "Adding banana extract to the recipe will help, but to truly recreate the cookies you'll need to import Gros-Michel bananas rather than the Cavendish variety you get in the store these days."

Alfred nodded. "Importing bananas is not a problem," he said happily. "Now you said you just wanted the use of the Wayne Family Security Service to do some research for you?"

"Well, I'm assuming you either have a detective on your payroll or can get one," Ron admitted. "I am trying to locate one hand-sized piece of jewelry and two missing kids."

"How long have they been missing? Have you notified the police?" Alfred asked.

"No idea and no," Ron replied. "It's a complicated story, but an artifact was supposed to be discovered by one of the kids, but it's been laying untouched for years. It's possible the kids don't even exist, but I have to be sure. For all I know they are safe at home and their parent's never vanished, but considering their age, I need to know as soon as possible."

"Sensible," Alfred agreed not asking any of a dozen questions that sprang to mind as he figured out precisely what to ask. "May I ask how you know of people who may not exist?"

"I've got a slight bit of protection from changes to the timeline, not much, but just enough to retain my memories," Ron explained.

"And you were a hero?" Alfred asked.

"I was a chef," Ron replied. "But even a chef has friends."

"Oh," Alfred said, a bit surprised, before smiling. "So most of what you know is about your friends I presume."

"And friends of friends," Ron said. "A few are even things I know of by rumor, but since I'm the only one who knows, I feel obligated to at least check on things."

"That is quite the task," Alfred said.

"Maybe," Ron admitted with a shrug. "But someone has to do it."

"Well, if you'll give me the names and a description of the item in question, I'll have out house … detective look into the matter," Alfred said, hiding his amusement.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"This is all of it?" Batgirl asked as she carefully placed a metallic ring into the box with a gloved hand.

"**SECEIP TCELLOC NI EHT XOB**!" Zatanna intoned as she waved her hand. A second later two small pins flew into the box. "That should be everything," she said. "**RIAPER**!" she intoned, causing the pieces to shake, but nothing else occurred.

"Didn't work?" Batgirl asked.

"I don't have a clear enough picture of what it would look like repaired," Zatanna explained. "Magic only goes so far without knowledge to back it up."

"That's almost poetic," Batgirl said, closing the box. "We done here?"

"**ETIROETEM STNEMGARF EMOC OT YM DNAH**!" Zatanna intoned, collecting a handful of what seemed like small rocks that she dumped into a small pouch. "Done," Zatanna agreed, before opening a Door to the mansion. "And the viewing pool should be ready too."

"Good, the curiosity is killing me," Batgirl said, entering Shadowcrest and setting the box on the kitchen table.

"Right this way then," Zatanna said, leading her upstairs.

They climbed five flights of stairs and walked through two hallways that Batgirl would have sworn were the same one except for their placement, before reaching a solarium with a pool of mercury five feet wide, ringed with white stones, that were engraved with softly glowing runes. "J. K. Rowling based Hogwarts on this place, didn't she?"

Zatanna laughed. "No, but there are similarities." She retrieved the shot glass from a side table and set it on the rim of the pool, the glow of Ron's aura draining from the shot glass and coloring the runes blue, as images began to flicker in the mercury. "**WOHS SU S'NOR EFIL EROFEB SIHT ENO**!" Zatanna intoned softly.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I have the preliminary reports," Alfred told Ron as Ron experimented with a different recipe. Being rich, Martha didn't do much of her own cooking, but she'd amassed an impressive collection of recipe books for her staff to use, including those with dishes from around the world, some of which were no longer possible to prepare as one or two of the ingredients had gone extinct.

"May I?" Alfred asked as he looked over a pot of soup Ron had on the stove.

"Go right ahead," Ron said, accepting the folder form Alfred and sitting at the table.

"This is quite good," Alfred complimented him. "I was unaware we had any rabbit on hand."

"It's chicken with fish stock added," Ron replied absently. "It's a good substitute for rabbit in case someone is allergic."

"A very good substitute," Alfred agreed, trying another spoonful to see if he could tell the difference now that he know it wasn't rabbit. "Something the matter?" he asked Ron, seeing the younger man upset.

"The dial was easy enough to find, though completely non-functional, which I expected, but the two kids I'm looking for…." Ron said, his voice trailing off at the end.

"Bad?" Alfred guessed.

"Very," Ron agreed. "Ben and Gwen Tennyson were supposed to be taken on a road trip by their Grandfather Max when they were ten, but according to this, their Grandfather was caught in one of Joker's little parties and died. The two were turned over to Gotham's Children's Protection Services when their families were unable to be located. They were split up, shuffled around the system and somehow Ben was killed in a fire that is still under investigation, while Gwen is now listed as 17 despite the fact that earlier records show she is still really 15 and at Lady Tristan's Finishing School for Young Woman, having been there for a year."

"Lady Tristan's?" Alfred asked, looking upset.

"Let me guess, more bad news?" Ron sighed.

"Lady Tristan's takes young woman and turns out high class escorts," Alfred explained. "It's mostly ignored because they pay a large amount in bribes and never take in girls younger than 16."

Ron was stiller than a statue for a moment, before he closed his eyes and silently took and released a deep breath. "I don't suppose you have any spare Molotov Cocktails lying around? Because apparently I'm going to be committing arson."

"Might I suggest securing her release first?" Alfred suggested. "I doubt very much she'd appreciate dying in a fire like her cousin while you try and rescue her."

Ron sighed and nodded. "Good point. I'll retrieve the dial, giving me time to cool down, then I'll rescue the girl, and after she's safe, I'll see to torching the place."

Alfred opened his mouth, closed it and considered what to say. "That would seem to be a more workable plan, sir. I suggest we eat lunch first however. I'll call you a cab after we've eaten."

"Thanks Alfred, I appreciate it," Ron said gratefully.

"Happy to help, sir," Alfred said, knowing Master Bruce had been monitoring them and wondering what his response would be.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Help or hinder?" Nightwing asked over his comlink, as he watched the video footage of the kitchen.

"Provide assistance, but don't let him burn the place down," Batman ordered.

"So… a reasonable amount of arson?" he asked.

"Enough to make a point. Use your best judgement," Batman agreed. "Batman out!"

"You get all the fun jobs," Robin complained, as he watched the bank of monitors over Nightwing's shoulder.

**Typed By – Sitheus Maximus / Ipsith**


	62. One wish to a customer 2

**One wish to a customer 2**

**YASEMF CH 57 : Part 1**

"There, that looks good," Willow said, pointing at a waterfall thirty feet across that cascaded down the side of the mountain, emptying into a huge lake miles away.

"Good for what?" Buffy asked, just before Oz squinted and red beams of energy cut through the waterfall into the mountainside behind it.

Buffy waited until he was finished before asking, "Did you have to- Why was I the only one that was surprised he did that?"

"Telepathy," Dawn replied.

"We aren't trying to exclude you!" Willow exclaimed, having read Buffy's mind. "It's just, we're all kinda linked to a degree because we have these links and then me and Dawn kinda resonate so..."

"Could you include me?" Buffy asked once Willow calmed down.

"Sure," Willow agreed as they floated through the waterfall, the waters parting around them thanks to a telekinetic bubble.

"You tend to forget how powerful Cyclops' eye beams really are until you see something like this," Xander said as they landed far enough from the mouth of the tunnel to avoid water spray, but close enough to still receive some light.

"I'm just grateful a 'how-to' guide was included," Oz said.

"I like how it's perfectly square," Dawn said as they looked at the smooth stone as it vanished into the darkness.

"It's a kind of magic," Willow said, "I mean, look at how there's no rubble."

"I believe Marvel went with the 'weird dimensional energy' explanation," Xander said.

"Sounds like magic to me," Buffy offered, "and speaking of weird powers, can you connect me now?"

"Sure," Willow agreed, reaching out to form not just a connection to their telepathic network, but a link similar to the one both telepaths had formed with the men they were interested in.

If Willow had thought that would help them get along, she was sorely mistaken.

"You conceited bitch!" Dawn yelled, glaring at Buffy as she read her older sister's opinions of everyone there.

Buffy winced, looking slightly ashamed and feeling extremely exposed, wishing she'd known that linking to the others wasn't like being on a party line, but was incredibly intimate, exposing thoughts and feelings she'd never planned on showing or had even been really aware of.

Xander pulled Dawn tightly against him and nuzzled her neck, cutting off her tirade in midstream and sending her mind into the gutter.

The Xander not involved with distracting Dawn got up and took Buffy's hand, leading her down the tunnel a little way's away with a red faced Willow and a bemused Oz following them.

"Sorry," Buffy apologized, more than a little upset, only to feel Xander's amusement, which confused her quite a bit.

"It's perfectly normal to feel superior at times and the Slayer Spirit sure doesn't help you stay humble," Xander told her. "Relax, both me and Oz understand what having a predatory spirit shaping your thoughts is like."

Oz nodded, exaggerating it so everyone could see it in the dim light.

"And you?" Buffy asked Willow cautiously.

"I'm good," Willow said quickly, her emotions hidden behind her shields.

Buffy groaned and hid behind her wings, fearing she'd upset Willow as well.

A red faced Willow poked Xander and pointed towards Buffy before burying her face in Oz's chest.

"She's embarrassed, not upset," Xander assured Buffy, knowing she could hear him.

Buffy's wings opened a little, revealing her eyes. "Really?" she asked doubtfully.

"Our Wils has a thing for dominant types, so she's embarrassed that you revved her motor a little," Xander explained.

Buffy looked relieved and then ducked behind her wings again a second later.

Xander laughed as he felt Buffy's surge of relief, that had turned into a slight arousal, and then leapt deep into embarrassment.

"Also normal," Oz offered.

Buffy stayed wrapped up, radiating a confusing tangle of emotions.

Xander and Oz looked at one another and nodded, before sending the mental picture of the two of them kissing. Buffy's wings opened halfway and Willow pulled her head back from Oz's chest to see if he was kissing Xander, her embarrassment forgotten.

"Do we look embarrassed from thinking that?" Xander pointed out, letting her know that neither one of them thought her response was out of place.

"No," Buffy admitted, slowly folding her wings back once more.

"You use too much tongue," Oz told Xander, as he considered their two different versions of the same thought.

"For you," Xander corrected him, getting a thoughtful nod back. "I did like the lips nibbling thing," he offered.

"Thanks," Oz replied.

Feeling the pair's amusement, Buffy and Willow exchanging relieved looks and let their worries fade.

"Aren't you guys supposed to be all 'no homo' or something?" Buffy asked.

"Aren't you girls supposed to be experimental?" Xander replied.

"That's just... a stupid stereotype," Buffy finished with a sigh as she caught Xander's grin.

"Anyway, occasional thoughts and feelings of an... unusual nature are not something to stress over," Xander assured her. "Heck, the occasional hour long fantasy isn't even that far out of..." his voice trailed off.

"Hour long fantasy?" Willow asked curiously.

"Seriously? Just me?" Xander asked. He looked over at Oz hopefully.

"Twenty minutes tops," Oz replied.

"You people are repressed," Xander said, mock seriously.

"And you... What are you doing with my sister?!" Buffy demanded as she finally noticed the unguarded emotions of the pair on the couch.

"Cuddling," Xander told her, daring her to argue with him about it.

"Oh," Buffy said, surprised. "That's a lot of emotion for just cuddling."

"That is some serious happy," Oz agreed.

"I thought you weren't in love with my sister," Buffy said cautiously, aware she'd stepped over the line with her earlier reaction and not wanting to offend or alienate her friend.

"I'm not in love with your sister yet, but I love her just fine," Xander replied.

"Oh," Buffy said, thinking about what he's said. "Yet?"

"Dawn is incredibly loveable and any excuses about not knowing each other well enough or the age gap are rendered moot by telepathy," he explained.

"Between Joyce's approval, a world where their age gap is not even noticed, and knowing each other's thoughts, he doesn't have any reason to turn Dawn down," Willow said thoughtfully.

"Medieval society?" Oz said aloud, so the other two could follow his thoughts.

"We saw a dragon, so I'm thinking 'Lord of the Rings' type world," Willow explained.

"And in medieval society, the age gap was often twenty or thirty years," Buffy said.

"And you would be a big hypocrite if you played the age card anyway," Xander said.

"The thing with Angel did blow up in my face, but I learned from it," Buffy said, surprised Xander's thoughts on that much hated subject were so mild.

Xander frowned. "Actually I was referring to going to a frat party when you first got here."

"Ah," Buffy said, "Ok, that is a lot closer, plus no frat boys."

"Or snake demons," Willow added.

"A point worth mentioning," Buffy agreed, feeling much better about things, "and we're all good on me being a bit of a 'bit-ka' and thinking I'm better than everyone?"

Xander grinned and put his hands on his hips, radiating superiority because... he had a penis?

Willow caught on first and posed the same, as she looked down on the others for not having superior intelligence.

Buffy laughed, getting the joke and turned to Oz who simply shrugged like he wasn't playing, but then seemed to radiate smugness because... he was so humble?

The four burst out laughing and Buffy did no more than roll her eyes when Dawn sent her own wave of smugness for... Xander having a penis and her sitting in his lap. The faint hint of apologetic feelings and new found understanding took the sting out of her younger sister's earlier reaction.

"Plan?" Oz asked.

"Finish carving a comfortable cave, and then collect firewood and food?" Willow suggested.

"I think we can handle that," Xander said. "Buff, care to help hunt before the sun goes down?"

"Sure," she agreed, "but what's left to carve?"

"Individual rooms and a bathroom," Willow explained.

"Continual flow?" Xander asked, images of medieval attempts at plumbing he'd read about running through his head.

"Go back to that last image," Willow said as she saw several possibilities she hadn't considered for adding an actual bath.

"It'd be cold, but it'd work," Oz noted.

"Better a cold bath than no bath," Buffy said.

"Amen," Xander chimed in.

"Ok, now all we need to do is separate you and Dawn and get her to help us," Buffy said, receiving a mental raspberry in reply as they rejoined Dawn and Xander.

Dawn's thoughts about eating roasted leg of some animal cooked over a campfire and bathing with Xander before bed didn't even get a raised eyebrow from her older sister who smirked and said, "Cold water, should keep things nicely PG for now."

When no one was looking, Dawn created a tiny ball of flame in her cupped hand and dismissed it, radiating smugness, but hiding the reason for it, as she grinned. "Let's get a move on people. Hop on the couch and let's go!"

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	63. Wood it work 2

**Wood it work 2**

**Part 1 : Yet Even More Fragments Chapter 45**

Next to the wrecking yard was a small lot, not much more than a modest warehouse with a prefab office converted from a mobile home and an even smaller parking lot. Xander's uncle Rory acquired it but had sublet it for the rather large tax break that Sunnydale's unique tax system offered as an 'incentive to encourage economic growth for the disenfranchised'.

Rory hadn't been paid in six months, but the tax break more than made up for it, so he just pretended the 'disenfranchised citizen' was still renting it from him.

Xander had heard all the details when Rory and Tony had been drinking and complaining about all the breaks illegal aliens were getting. He'd shared the information with Willow and Jessie and the three had peeked through the windows, but all they'd seen was dust and wooden crates earlier that day.

"It still has power and everything to make it look like it's being used," Xander said. "Plus, I got the keys."

"how'd you get the keys?" Willow asked.

"My uncle insisted on having a copy in case the cops ever asked to search it," Xander replied.

"Won't he notice them missing?" Willow asked.

"I replaced them with a couple of keys I found," Xander said as he put the last box on the back of the truck with the wood they'd scrounged up from a house that was being torn down.

"Big enough for us to set up shop," Jessie said, adjusting his troll mask.

"What if we get caught?" Willow worried.

"We aren't trespassing," Xander said. "My uncle owns the property and we're just using the unused property. If he asks, I'll just tell him we're making it look like it's still being used in case the tax man comes by."

"Oh, OK," Willow said, relieved.

Jessie started the truck, grinning beneath his mask. "Let's ride!"

Keeping to the back alleys and actually being able to see made it a lot easier for Jessie to drive, meaning he only hit every fifth trash can this time.

"Brake!" Willow yelled as Jessie sped into the tiny parking lot.

Jessie slammed on the brakes, bringing them to a screeching halt, just short of the warehouse doors.

"Perfect," he said with a grin.

"Works for me," Xander agreed, opening the door and climbing down, giving Willow a hand getting out.

"Are we going through the office or the big doors?" Willow asked.

"The big doors," Xander replied. "It'll be quicker and some of this stuff is heavy."

"Yeah, but those open from the inside," Jessie said as he remembered looking them over earlier.

"Oh yeah," Xander said. "OK then, through the front office to open the back, then through the back."

"You don't think he's dead in there or something, do ya?" Jessie asked, making Willow pale and clutch Xander's hand tightly.

Xander gave Willow a hug and glared at Jessie, who winced. "Dead people smell, so he probably just skipped town without paying," Xander said, recalling that plot from a number of detective shows.

"Yeah, we would have smelled it if he was dead," Jessie agreed quickly.

Despite their agreement that there was definitely no dead guy, Xander and Jessie had to work up their nerve to approach the trailer, Xander taking the lead because he didn't want to look like a coward in front of Willow. All three of them jumped when Xander turned the key and the bolt snapped back into the lock.

"We need to oil that," Jessie joked. "Willow make a note, oil locks."

"OK," willow agreed, opening her backpack and taking out a notepad, glad for the distraction.

"Here we go," Xander said, taking a deep breath before yanking open the door revealing... nothing but an empty office with a hallway to the left and a closed door to the right.

"I'll meet you around by the big doors," Jessie said, relieved and a bit disappointed that there was no body.

"You want to go with him?" Xander asked.

"No," Willow said, resolutely taking his hand again. "I'll go with you."

Jessie rolled his eyes but grinned as the two made a huge production of things. He wasn't sure who he'd end up dating himself, but he really hoped they were as fun as Xander and Willow.

He walked around to the truck and looked at the warehouse doors. They were big enough that he could have driven in if they'd been open. He briefly considered turning the truck around and backing up to them, but he was honest enough to admit that was probably a bad idea. He really needed to practice driving more, but they rarely got a chance to do more than a short trip every couple of weeks or so.

The creak of rusty hinges brought a smile to his face as he hurried to help Xander and Willow open the doors. They had a lot of stuff to unload. Between Xander's tools and the wood they'd collected, it was going to take them a while.

"So, no dead guy?" Jessie asked as he saw the flush on their faces that indicated some kissing had gone on while he was waiting for them.

"Nah, just a really life like statue," Xander replied.

**Later that night**

Marl perked up when he saw that the spice shop, next to the junkyard on the edge of town, was open. The demon who ran it was one of those seasonal types who hibernated for long periods of time, so it was only his own desperation that drove him to check.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander was happily working on an old fashioned coffin for Jessie, who thought it would look really cool for Halloween. They'd found the design in an old leather bound tome that was written in a language they couldn't identify, though there were a few notes written in the margin that were in German and easy to translate which Jessie insisted they use to make the coffin even creepier.

The small warehouse they'd taken over had plenty of room for the boys to work as only half of it was taken up by crates and shelves containing the multitude of ingredients that made up the business. Willow meanwhile was at the front desk, going through a stack of books, putting bookmarks in any woodworking projects she ran across and generally enjoying herself.

The bell over the door rang as a tall broad shouldered man in a full length trench coat and fedora came in and hung them on a coat-rack revealing blue spiky skin. "Evening, do you have powdered Knarl root?"

Willow's eyes darted to the door and she realized they'd left the front door unlocked and she'd turned on the open sign when she'd flipped on the lights. She turned towards the inventory ledger and found the entry without too much trouble. "I have some in stock, how much do you need?" She'd been cashier for the Band's bake sale, so she figured she could handle this.

"Just a couple of drams," the demon replied, relieved. "It's my wife's time of the... seasonal allergies," he said.

Willow just rolled her eyes. "I know when I get... seasonal allergies, I like hot cocoa and for Xander to read to me."

"I'm not the best when it comes to guessing human ages but aren't you a little young for that?" Marl asked.

"My mom blames the western heavy fat and protein diet for early menses," Willow replied, amused at the face Marl made. Apparently male demons weren't that different than their human counterparts when it came to some things. She lead him to the right aisle and pointed to a plastic tub before tearing a small plastic bag off a roll for him. "Price is cheaper in gold, books, or replacement stock," Willow told him.

"I'll pay cash this time," Marl said as he carefully measured out three drams of a grey root, getting it right on the first try, to his satisfaction. "How does replacement stock and books work?"

"We're low on a few things, so if you bring in anything we're low on, you can trade it in for seventy five percent of the marked price in store credit. The idea is that you can probably get at least a couple of things cheaper than we can, so you actually make a small profit in materials while getting what you need," Willow said cheerfully. "As for the books... I like books, especially old leather bound tomes!"

The demon chuckled and followed Willow to the front desk where he paid for his root and was given a couple packets of cocoa along with a receipt. "Thank you," he said gratefully as he left, wondering if reading to his wife would help as well.

"Decided to keep shop?" Jessie asked.

"Apparently," Willow said with a shrug. "I used the spiel from that shop keeper you threw at us in that last dungeon we played."

"I stole it from a video game," Jessie admitted.

"As long as you're having fun," Xander told her.

"And making money for pizza," Jessie added.

"Have you two finished with your creepy coffin?" Willow asked.

"Needs some color," Jessie said.

"Still gotta shellac it and let it dry," Xander told her, "but the woodworking portion is done."

"What about the religious symbols and spiky metal bits?" Willow asked.

"That comes after the paint," Jessie said. "Pretty sure we can make them in Rory's shop."

"What's your next project?" Willow asked.

"I'm still not good enough at carving to do your headboard yet," Xander said, "so I'm making another Narnia wardrobe and practicing my carving on that."

"You look far too happy," Jessie said. "Last time you were grumpy for days when it didn't work, what's different this time?"

"There was a book on making 'moving furniture' in the books we found here," Xander said with a grin. "There was even of a picture of people entering a cabinet."

"Considering all the weird people and stuff we've seen, I guess they might have a book like you were looking for," Jessie admitted.

"Still not positive Narnia is real," Willow said, "though the more we see, the more I think the story might be based on a true story, but it's probably really different, just like all those movies Hollywood makes based on 'true stories'."

"If they got only a quarter of it right, I'll be happy," Xander said. "But if that infinite world thing you told me about is right then there should be a version just like the movie out there as well."

Willow and Jessie froze as the enormity of that thought hit them.

"We could go to Narnia," Willow said in wonder, having supported Xander's efforts but not really believed it was possible until now.

"We could go to the nude beach from Beverly Hills 9021-HO!" Jessie exclaimed excitedly.

Willow turned and stared at Jessie before noting the guilty look on Xander's face. "Beverly Hills 9021-HO?" she asked.

"The last time I spent the night over at his house, skina- I mean Cinemax was left unlocked when his parents went to LA and we watched a couple of movies," Xander admitted.

"Oh," Willow said, frowning as she wondered how she was supposed to feel about this. "Well, no going to places like that without me," she said firmly.

"OK," Xander quickly agreed.

"You really want to go to a nude beach in a porno?" Jessie asked.

Willow turned red as she realized what she'd implied.

"I think it's more she didn't want me going to those places without her," Xander said.

"No getting naked without me," Willow agreed, relieved that Xander understood her.

"So he can only get naked if you're with him?" Jessie asked, thinking his best friends had gone a lot farther than he thought.

"Yes, I mean no!" Willow ducked behind the counter so they couldn't see her.

"Willow means I can't be naked with anyone female but her and the 'naked with her' is waiting till we're older," Xander said.

"Yes!" Willow called out from behind the counter and stuck a hand up to wave for Xander to lean over the counter.

Xander leaned over the counter and Jessie heard her kiss him. Xander stood up with a big smile. "That was for understanding her."

"That's right," Willow agreed, still hiding.

"Sure it wasn't for thoughts of you naked?" Jessie teased.

Xander grabbed Jessie and dragged him out of the office. A few seconds later, Willow peaked over the counter and saw they were gone. Giving a relieved sigh, the red faced girl stood up. "A little of that too," she admitted quietly.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	64. Between Jobs

**Between Jobs**

Ron looked around the little ten by ten wooden shack. It contained a cot and a toilet, but nothing more. He'd created a small lamp that hung just below the center of the ceiling, providing a stable source of light, unlike the two small windows that flanked the door behind him, the light shining in from them ebbed and flowed in ever changing colors and brightness. He really wished he could create some curtains to block out the light, but he lacked the energy and the material at the moment.

Collapsing onto the cot, he tried to block out the noise from outside the shack, a constant roar like the ocean, but one comprised of fragments of every sound imaginable. Burying his head underneath the covers, he slept.

He awoke after a series of disjointed dreams that rapidly faded as he tried to recall them, while rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "I feel hung over," he complained aloud, "though that's about a million times better than I felt earlier."

He could remember it all now. Draken had hit him with the... Pan Dimensional thingy. Sadly it had malfunctioned, dropping Mrs. Stoppables' favorite son into..."I think I'm in between dimensions," Ron said aloud as he snuck a peek at the chaotic expanse outside, brief glimpses of other universes appearing and disappearing as the air spawned bubbles of... reality?

"I was dressed like my Minecraft character," Ron recalled, rubbing his temples. "And so... I became him?" The noise and light made it hard to think.

He opened the front door, letting in a wave of sound and saw a ledge of granite, ten feet wide running all around the single room place he'd created.

"Reality isn't stable here, I dressed as a Minecraft character and I became one, either from the transition or from floating in this sea of ... Chaos," he guessed, speaking out loud to help concentrate on keeping it together because the sight and sound of everything outside seemed to wear on his sanity and sense of self.

He closed the front door and sighed in relief as the sound level dropped and he could hear himself think once more.

"What do I do?" he asked himself out loud. "I've got ... huh, a lot of bacon in the inventory, which doesn't really help me as I'm Jewish. Knew I should've stocked up on steaks."

With a sigh he glanced out the front windows and winced, as his thoughts became sluggish and fractured. He quickly turned away again.

"Okay, I need ... to get home, but I'm going to have to wait for them to rescue me, so I just need to survive and keep my sanity until then," Ron said, plugging his ears and closing his eyes to help block out the outside. "I need food and water, but more than that, I need thicker walls."

He knew he couldn't wait around for rescue and just assume it would come quickly, he'd have to find a way to get supplies. There was just no other option and that meant he had to figure out how to keep sane while dealing with what was outside.

**An unknown amount of time later...**

In the end, thirst had driven him to try something completely insane. He'd long since given into hunger and eaten some of the bacon and it had tasted every bit as good as he'd imagined it would, but it had also made his thirst worse... which was what led to his current situation.

"Walking the plank," he muttered to himself as he waited for a bubble to get close to the ledge in front of the front door of his shack.

His ears were plugged with cotton made from deconstructing his socks and a thin layer of cloth was tied across his eyes, blocking out most of the light and noise, so he could function. He didn't even know for sure that this would work, but he'd seen objects fall out of the bubbles while furiously trying to build up an immunity to the sight of the chaos outside and he'd seen a length of chained slowly flow from one bubble to another keeping them both open until after it'd completely passed through.

So here he was, crouched and waiting for a bubble, so he could reach through and deconstruct the material on the other side, some of which he desperately hoped would be water.

A slowly opening bubble formed in front of him, so he quickly pinned it in place by creating a wooden plank and connecting it to his land.

Ron leapt forward and stuck his arm in the bubble, pick axe coming forward to slam into the ground on the other side and deconstructing it, adding to his inventory and leaving him hanging over a pit. "Okay, that was stupid." Ron admitted, pulling back and examining the edges of the ... reality bubble. It looked like it wasn't going to go anywhere as long as the plank was there.

Deciding to chance it, Ron used up the block of earth, creating a solid ten foot square of earth underneath the wooden plank. He examined the grounded bubble and as intently as he could through his blindfold, but there was little he could make out in any detail. It was six feet around but dark enough that he couldn't see anything inside of it.

He retreated back into his shack to recover and wait. If the bubble was still there in a couple of hours, it'd probably be safe enough to enter and mine for material. He curled up on his cot and tried to ignore his thirst and rest. It was probably night in the bubble and would take some time for the sun to come up.

As always sleep was slow to come and his dreams confusing and disjointed things that would fade on awakening. He risked a glance outside without his blindfold and saw that not only as the bubble still there, it was no longer dark!

He plugged his ears with cotton and pulled his blindfold back on before rushing outside. He'd maim for a drink of water at the moment and prayed there was some close by. Ignoring the ocean of sound and galaxy of light that smashed into him as he opened the door, he rushed into the bubble... and immediately fell into the ten by ten pit he'd carved out of the landscape.

The ten foot drop felt like a lot less to Ron, as he landed in the bottom of the pit where almost half a foot of muddy water had collected. "God it's cold," Ron said, when he had slaked his thirst and finally noticed something besides the lack of noise, removing his blindfold and earplugs.

"Hope I don't get sick," he muttered as he looked at the muddy water. A quick tap of his pickaxe and the water vanished into his inventory. He got to work deconstructing huge chunks of the ground around him.

It wasn't until nightfall and the cold began to get to him that he stopped and realized how much he'd dug out. "I could build a stadium in here," Ron said, as he rubbed his hands together to generate some warmth. "And ... there's the bubble," he said, seeing it hanging in midair, far overhead, shining like a star.

Pulling out his hammer, he quickly constructed a spiral staircase with a platform at the top. The wind and the cold leached the heat from him as he stared at the bubble and worked up the nerve to enter it once more. "I can't let Kim down," he reminded himself, before taking a deep breath and forcing himself to enter the bubble.

The light and sound were every bit as bad as before, possibly even worse, as he'd gotten a brief respite from it.

Almost in a panic he started building, expanding ground and throwing up ten-foot-thick walls of earth and granite until it was all blocked out and he appeared to be in an underground bunker. With a sigh he collapsed to the ground for a little while until he regained his strength.

He staggered back to his shack and removed his wet and muddy clothes before plopping down on his cot. With the sight and sound of the outside blocked by thick walls, he slept soundly. His dreams were still strange, but then they always had been.

He awoke in a good mood, taking the time to create a bath tub to wash his clothes. "Don't want to be looking like a mess when she comes to rescue me," Ron said. "I got enough water and bacon to last a week, so all I have to do is wait."

**One month later...**

Ron looked over the castle's sunroof, the dome of opaque glass bricks reducing the harsh glare of the chaotic sea of reality into a warm glow that was close enough to sunlight that the plants thrived in it.

He'd waited patiently, but once food had run low, he'd been forced to hunt for more and in the process had collected a lot of material so naturally he'd turned to building to pass the time.

He'd almost completely deconstructed the mountain the portal had opened on, to build his own Hogwarts. At first everything had been blocky and unrefined, but the more he built, the better the results, to the point that his Hogwarts resembled the original more than seemed possible, as he was sure he hadn't created Hagrid's hut or several of the professors' rooms, but they were there all the same. Personally he blamed it on wherever-he-was trying to enhance his creation just as it had enhanced him. He'd passed way beyond what a simple Minecraft character could accomplish, being able to deconstruct and create complex items with a single swing of the hammer.

"If they were going to rescue me, they'd have been here by now," Ron said with a sigh. "I guess... I'll have to find my own way home."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Alexander stumbled and almost fell. In all his years of travelling the planes, he'd never run into anything in the Blind Eternities and what he was now seeing made him doubt his sanity.

There, in front of him, was a giant turtle with four elephants on its back, supporting a disk with a half globe of opaque glass bricks on it.

Mindful of the fact that even Planeswalkers couldn't travel unprotected in the Blind Eternities for long, he searched for an entrance inside. He found a large number of permanent portals surrounding the disk, each connected to it by a ten-foot-wide stone bridge that lead to tunnels into the disk itself, but of the several he'd examined, they all lead to dead ends at a featureless wall of stone. A quick clairvoyance spell showed there were no secret doors or magical entrances, it was simply a mundane stone wall.

"Pass stone," Alexander cast, before stepping through the wall as if it were water.

The tunnels on the other side met up into a central stairway that lead up into the dome and Alexander found himself standing on the front lawn of... "HOGWARTS?!"

A blond haired young man ran up to Alexander speaking a mile a minute, "Please please please say Kim sent you here to rescue me! Unless you fell out of a bubble or got zapped here, that's all I can think of! But looking at your clothes you're probably someone who got zapped here dressed like a mage. That's just great, I wait here for almost forever, with a lot of dangerous trips to other worlds for supplies and to see if there's a quicker way home, but all I get is animals and forests, and desserts, and oceans, and islands - "

Alexander just stare as the blond guy went on listing various types of places and things until he passed out from lack of air.

"And that happened," Alexander said, before drawing a wand and conjuring a chair to sit on. Pulling out a book from his bag, he settles down to read.

One good thing about being a Planeswalker was he's actually learned to be patient.

**5 Minutes later...**

He absently conjured a ball of water above Ron and let it drop, as he turned a page.

Of course, just because you'd learned something, it didn't mean you practiced it all the time.

Ron slept on undisturbed.

Alexander sighed and turned another page.

**Typed by : - Sitheus Maximus / Ipsith**


	65. Mother, Maiden, and Dude 2

**Mother, Maiden, and Dude 2**

**Part 1 : YASEMF Chapter 6**

"Mr. Potter has captured an impostor, who he says is responsible for putting his name in the Goblet of Fire," Sprout explained, still a bit startled.

"Moody?" Flitwick asked.

"Locked in a trunk," Harry said. "Someone should rescue him, and I'd suggest we question this guy before someone makes him disappear to cover their tracks."

"You don't believe he was working alone?" Dumbledore asked.

"There are too many Death Eaters and their associates running around free," Harry said. "Better safe than sorry. I don't intend to let this one escape like the last one did."

The strangely silent Snape glanced to Dumbledore who gave a slight nod. "I'll retrieve some veritaserum," Snape said, quietly vanishing out of the great hall.

Holding out his wand, Harry gave it a small wave at himself, like he was cancelling a spell, and allowed his chest and hair to shrink while changing his robes back to black, the Gryffindor piping and crest noticeably absent.

"You've captured a Death Eater before?" Madame Maxime asked.

"Yes, but a rising moon, an air-headed werewolf, and a schoolboy grudge not only allowed him to escape, but prevented Fudge from believing my testimony," Harry said as he kept a close eye on Barty as well as using the symbiote to track Snape on the map.

"That is no way to speak of a Hogwarts professor," McGonagall snapped out. "Twenty points from Gryffindor."

Ignoring her, Harry told Flitwick, "I don't believe I said anything about any Hogwarts professors, but then I'm used to getting points taken away for things like breathing too loudly or not having eyes in the back of my head or asking professors to do their jobs, as well as reporting dangers, so it really doesn't faze me anymore. In fact when I get resorted I'm going to do my level best to convince my housemates to ignore the cup altogether, as the system is obviously broken."

"And what house-" Flitwick began only to blurt out, "He's changing, the polyjuice is wearing off!"

As the glass eye popped out and the false leg fell off, Harry gasped loudly and called out, "Barty Crouch Junior!" He didn't want there to be any question who it was and he already had a couple of excuses ready for why he recognized him in case anyone asked.

"I thought he died in Azkaban," Dumbledore said, examining the unconscious wizard's face.

Harry ignored the teachers discussing what was going on and watched the map through the symbiote's senses. Several Slytherins had gone to the owlry, probably to report what had just happened to their parents, as had some others. Harry figured is anyone was actually working with Voldemort they'd have faster ways to communicate than owls.

While the teacher with distracted he made himself scarce, not wanting to risk being questioned with veritaserum which he could easily see Snape 'accidentally' dosing him with. As he passed behind Hagrid he simply faded from sight and made good his escape. He still had loads of memories to integrate and plans to make before he made any more changes.

**OoOoOoOoOoO**

Harry easily avoided anyone looking for him, by using his symbiote's chameleon abilities and crawling across the ceiling. He found several doors hiding on the ceiling that he made a mental note to look at later, but for the moment he just wanted to avoid questions and fair weather friends alike as he snuck into the kitchen for some food.

He was glad he wasn't paying Hogwarts' food bills, because the amount he was eating made Ron look like he was on an anorexic supermodel on a diet. He tickled the pear on the painting causing it to turn into a doorknob and dropped his disguise before he entered the kitchen. He didn't want to see what a startled elf could do by accident after seeing everything Dobby had done on purpose during his second year.

And speaking of elves…

"Dobby and Winky," he called out, causing the two elves to appear with a pop. Dobby looked ecstatic to see him while Winky just looked… sad, which he's half expected from Xander's memories of the books.

"Mr. Harry Potter Sir is calling for Dobby and Winky?" Dobby said happily.

"Yes I am," Harry agreed. "In a couple of years I'm going to be graduating from Hogwarts and I'm going to need a couple of elves, so I was wondering if you'd like to work for me."

"Yes, yes, yes, yes!" Dobby cheered, nodding so hard he actually knocked himself out.

"Winky is being bad elf, you is no wanting her," Winky said sorrowfully.

"No, Winky is being good elf," Harry disagreed. "Crouch is being corrupt by dark magic and being bad master. Just like Barty was a good little boy until the nasty snake man corrupted him with dark magic as well," Harry assured her.

One of the other elves managed to rouse Dobby who threw himself at Harry's legs. "Dobby will be a loyal elf!"

"And I will be a loyal master," Harry promised. An aura of white light outlined the three for a moment and sent all the elves into a tizzy.

"A loyal master?" Winky asked, shock in her tone.

"Loyalty goes both ways," Harry assured her. "So will you be an elf of House Potter?"

"Winky would be liking that," she agreed.

"Excellent," Harry said. "Now I just have to buy some land and we'll be set."

"Young master is not having house?" an elderly elf asked.

"I believe the Ministry stole my childhood home, naming it a historical site and I haven't had a chance to see if I own any other properties," Harry replied. "Fortunately I have a lot of money, so if worse comes to worse I'll just buy a couple of blocks of downtown Detroit. Magic would make it livable and there would be enough work to keep dozens of elves busy for ages."

A number of elves perked up, looking at Harry inquisitively.

"Depends on a number of things," Harry said. "Anyway I gotta go to class, I'll see you all again later."

Blending in and keeping to the ceilings, Harry made his way to the dungeons without anyone seeing him. The crowd of students waiting outside the potions room was separated along house lines and seemed to be ignoring one another while keeping an eye out for someone, either Snape or Harry, probably both. Not remotely in the mood to deal with them, Harry sat on the ceiling and waited for Snape to arrive, which he did with his customary sneer a little while later.

Harry rolled his eyes as he saw Snape scan the crowd and almost smile as he failed to find Harry. Normally, Snape would glare at him for a second before allowing the students to enter, so it was obvious who he was looking for. Harry waited until the crowd was pouring in to drop down and become visible, shortening his hair and changing his hair and eye color to brown so no one would recognize him until he was already seated.

The door to the potions room slammed shut and Snape sneered. "I see our… champion, has decided he's too good to come to class."

Harry forced himself to remain calm and not smirk as he raised his hand to attract Snape's attention.

"Potter? When did you get here?" Snape demanded.

"Came in with the other students, sir," Harry replied politely, hiding his amusement behind a layer of forced calm.

The attack on his mind came as no surprise to Harry, but thanks to the training Peter had received from Professor Xavier it was easy to detect and direct to one of Harry's worst memories. With Snape's consciousness trapped in a repeating loop of Lily's murder, Harry followed the connection back to Snape's mind and ransacked it for potions knowledge.

No one in the class dared make a sound as the two appeared to glare at one another in silence, so the entire class sat there quietly for fifteen minutes until the door opened and Colin Creevy stuck his head in.

"Excuse me, Professor? I was sent to get Harry for the weighing of the wand ceremony," he said nervously.

Snape blinked and shook his head, startled at what he'd just realized had occurred, but able to keep it from showing as he said, "Potter, go and stop disrupting my class."

"Yes, professor," Harry replied, gathering his things as he sorted a mass of potions knowledge with the help of his symbiote, his body moving on autopilot.

The class heaved a sigh of relief as the door closed behind Harry and Snape snapped out his usual instructions to read the board before he vanished into his office.

**OoOoOoOoOoO**

Harry didn't know whether to bless or curse having Xander's reflexes as he found himself in a closet with a reporter pressed up against him, because he already had a hand in her blouse and was nibbling at her ear before he realized what was going on. Rita Skeeter moaned softly and melted against Harry, her interview forgotten. With her busy schedule and acid tongue it had been a while since she'd had any action, so she was voicing no complaints.

Clothing had started coming off when her cameraman knocked on the door urgently and whispered, "Time's up, they're calling for Potter now."

Harry and Rita both groaned in disgust, and scrambled to get straightened up, Harry giving her a hand, and a few extra gropes, as his clothes straightened themselves.

"Tonight, after lights out, seventh floor left corridor at the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy," Harry told her, before exiting the closet.

Recalling how things went in the book, Harry let his symbiote polish his wand while he tried to figure out why he'd almost shagged Rita. Sure his hormones were strong and she had some nice curves hidden under those bulky robes along with deceptively perky breasts… OK, scratch that, he knew exactly why he'd almost shagged her.

He compared her to Cho Chang for a moment and found that Cho seemed a bit… young. Even without thinking of how things were destined to go with her, Cho just seemed too young for him. Considering the girls in his own year were even younger it looked like his dating options were going to be… interesting.

'Harry Potter: MILF Hitter,' he thought to himself while passing Ollivander his freshly-polished wand to test. 'At least magicals stay firmer longer.'

**OoOoOoOoOoO**

"I already know," Harry assured Hagrid, much to the half-giant's surprise. "The fact that Charlie Weasley is visiting his family was a mighty big clue."

Hagrid beamed. "It's good to hear that," he said, relieved. "I mean there are spells keeping us from saying things and I'd feel kinda guilty as Maxine did knock old Barty out."

"She is a magnificent woman," Harry agreed. "You just concentrate on her and showing her a good time."

"Wish me luck," Hagrid said.

"You two are made for each other," Harry replied. "Now go have fun."

"Thanks, Harry," the half-giant said, straightening his clothes before striding off.

"I should probably give Cedric a heads-up," Harry decided as he noted he had some time to kill. A sudden buzz of his spider sense caused him to lean aside as a stunner flew through the space where his head had been a moment before.

"Constant vigilance!" a voice screamed out.

Harry flung a single line of web, nearly invisible to the eye, across where the voice had come from while dodging a series of transfigurations.

Feeling the line get caught on something unseen, Harry hit it with a stunner, then followed with a second one, and finished up by webbing the disillusioned wizard to the ground. He was pretty sure it was the real Mad Eye Moody, but best to make sure.

"Finite incantatum," he intoned while tapping the unseen wizard on the head.

A ripple of color ran across the figure webbed to the ground revealing an unconscious Mad Eye Moody as his disillusion spell faded.

"Why don't you show up on the map?" Harry wondered, as he examined the map with his symbiote and he noticed Moody still wasn't showing up on the map. Looking around he saw that Rita did show up and was on the third floor, early for their meeting, probably hiding in her animagus form.

Harry considered his options before deciding that Moody could wait. He knew it probably wasn't the smartest decision but he was sure burning off a little of his excess hormones would help him make smarter decisions in the future. That was his excuse and he was sticking to it!

**OoOoOoOoOoO**

"For once Rita seems to have stuck to the facts," Moody noted as they ate breakfast.

"Aside from a little embellishing about our noble hero," Dumbledoor agreed as he looked over at Harry as he ate breakfast.

"I believe she managed to corner him for a couple of minutes before the wand weighing ceremony," Pomona offered. "I'm guessing he made quite an impression."

"Normally I'd find that hard to believe with how shy he usually is, however lately he has been far more outgoing," McGonagall noted.

"Boy had no choice," Moody said, "with all that's happened to him lately it's either sink or swim and he's decided to swim."

McGonagall looked over at Professor Snape. "No comment?" she asked, surprised.

"He seems to be handling things… adequately," Snape admitted.

"Indeed he is," Dumbledore said proudly.

"Are you nervous?" Hermione asked Harry. "You know it's ok to be nervous," she assured him as they ate breakfast.

"Someone tries to kill me every year and I have to deal with a load of backstabbers," Harry said with a shrug, ignoring the way Ron winced. "Pretty sure whatever the first task is, it's not nearly as dangerous as some of the stuff I've already gone through."

"I hope you're right," Hermione said as Moody approached, his wooden leg thumping against the floor.

"Ready for the first task, Potter?" Moody asked.

"Here to escort me?" Harry replied.

"Yeah, I'm to escort ya," Moody agreed as Harry got up.

"I'll cheer for you," Hermione promised as Harry left.

After Harry had left Ron turned to Hermione, but her glare left him speechless.

**OoOoOoOoOoO**

"Not many get the drop on me," Moody said as they walked.

"You had the drop on me," Harry corrected him, "I was just too vigilant for you to take down that easy."

"How did you react so fast?" Moody asked.

"A defense that's known isn't that good a defense," Harry replied.

Moody grinned widely.

**OoOoOoOoOoO**

"Dragons," Cedric whispered in horror once the champions were alone.

"Tried to tell you a couple of times, but your 'guards' kept you safe from me," Harry replied sourly.

"You were going to tell him?" Fleur asked.

"He's the only one who didn't know and this whole thing is just a setup to kill me," Harry replied, "seemed only fair to tell him. His house has turned on me every time something's gone wrong around here, so I expect they'll blame me for this too."

"I…" Cedric fell silent unable to figure out a defense of his house that wouldn't be a lie.

Harry signed, knowing he could have found a way to get a message through to him, but being far more concerned with losing his virginity. "Fine, I'll give you some advice, but to be fair I'll also give advice to Fleur and Krum as well."

Fleur seemed amused. "What advice to you think you can give me?"

"Dragons sometimes breathe fire in their sleep," Harry replied, knowing her plan from canon and how it'd turned out.

Krum noted the shocked look on Fleur's face and guessed Harry knew her plan, making it possible he knew Krum's as well. "And mine?"

"You lose points for any eggs a half-blind dragon steps on," Harry told him. "If you hit the eggs with a temporary reinforcement or strengthening spell, you don't have to worry about that."

"That is good advice, thank you," Krum said simply.

"And mine?" Cedric asked anxiously.

"McGonagall says you are a whiz at transfiguration," Harry replied, "so transfigure stones into dogs to lure her off the nest, while sending a transfigured snake to wrap around the egg and then turn back into stone. The dragon will expect you to make a run on her nest so she won't be watching for something small and while the egg will have anti-summoning spells on it, the stone wrapped around the egg won't."

"I owe you one," Cedric said, some of the tension leaking out of him.

"Get your house to stop being a prick to me and I'll call us even," Harry replied.

"Deal," Cedric said, offering his hand.

Krum and Fleur exchanged glances, wondering if the young boy was right about this all being a trap. Considering the knowledge he'd shown of their own plans they had to concede there was at least a chance he knew what he was talking about.

"Now, if no one minds I need a nap, I was up late last night," Harry said before laying back on the bench and shutting his eyes.

**OoOoOoOoOoO**

"Mr. Potter, you're up," Harry heard as someone shook him awake.

"He does not look at all concerned," Fleur noted as the three champions noticed Harry come out of the tent.

"He just woke up," Krum told them.

"He can disillusion himself," Cedric said as Harry tapped himself on the head with his wand and faded from sight.

"The dragon will still smell him," Fleur said.

"And see his heat," Krum added.

"Doesn't look like it," Cedric said as they watched a confused dragon look around.

After a couple of minutes of absolutely nothing happening Draco Malfoy called out, "The coward fled! He's not in there at all!"

The crowd began to get restless as another couple of minutes went by, catcalls and boos ringing out.

Dumbledore stood up and waved the crowd to silence. "I believe a simple revealing spell will show the truth of the matter, without endangering Mr. Potter."

**OoOoOoOoOoO**

Harry slowly moved forward, knowing he had to make a big production of things to guilt the wizarding world into believing his innocence. He almost grinned as Malfoy predictably mouthed off.

As the crowd began to turn angry and Dumbledore stood up, Harry moved into position.

**OoOoOoOoOoO**

"Hominum revealus," Dumbledore called out.

The crowd gasped in horror as whatever spell Harry had cast on himself shattered, revealing him standing directly in front of the dragon.

**OoOoOoOoOoO**

"Well… fuck," Harry said loudly as the dragon drew back its head and took a deep breath.

**Typing by: Jarreas**


	66. The Power of 2 (SFW)

**The Power of... 2 (SFW Version)**

**YASEMF Chapter 53 : Part 1**

Xander stood up, took a deep breath and found a rose in his hand, a rose he promptly stuck through the button hole of the tuxedo he was now wearing.

"Well... that happened," said Oz, unable to completely keep the humor out of his voice.

"Xander, are you still... you?" Giles asked.

"I believe so," Xander said, his voice resonating with power and authority.

"What exactly can you do," asked Wesley, "or is a quick change the extent of your abilities?"

"I'm stronger, harder to hurt, faster, have an energy attack, and a decent amount of fighting skills," Xander explained as he adjusted his tiny black mask with a white-gloved hand.

"And can throw armor piercing roses," Oz added.

Xander tilted his head to the side. "I think I can also heal and purify people."

"Could you cure Lycanthropy?" Oz asked, recalling how monsters were easily returned to human in the series.

"I can't," Xander said, "but how much do you want to bet Sailor Moon can?"

"We don't have a Sailor Moon," Oz pointed out.

"Not yet," Xander corrected him, "but I can summon a henshin rod."

"What's a henshin rod?" Giles asked.

"That's the name for the little pen-shaped item the girls use to transform," Xander explained. "Unfortunately, there are no girls here so I can't pull it out."

"What kind of benefits would such an item grant?" Wesley asked.

"Strength, speed, magical attack," Oz offered.

"Enhanced healing, eternal youth, a skimpy outfit," Xander added.

"Eternal youth?" Giles asked.

"Sailor Scouts live about ten thousand years," Xander explained, "and they don't grow old."

"And you can grant this to one girl?" asked Giles.

"She has to be the right one," Xander said, "there's some emotional part to it, I can't just hand it to someone I'm not feeling positive emotions for."

"Wait," Wesley said, "has your life span been similarly extended?"

"I didn't even think of that, but yeah," Xander agreed. He sat on the couch with a stunned look on his face.

"I'm sorry," Giles said sympathetically, laying a hand on Xander's shoulder.

"Why?" the tuxedo-clad teen asked curiously.

"I know the thought of watching everyone you know grow old and die must be hard on you," Giles said.

"Everyone has to watch everyone they know grow old and die," Xander replied, "I'll just be doing it longer and with a lot less medical problems."

"So you don't see immortality as a curse?" asked Wesley.

"No, immortality is a huge curse," Xander said. "I mean, the universe dies and you get to spend eternity in the cold and dark. What I have isn't immortality, it's just a really long life; provided nothing kills me. A long, healthy life is not a curse, even if the people around you age and die as normal."

"I never thought of it like that," Giles admitted.

"I read comics, I've thought about things like this," Xander replied. "Besides, I live on the Hellmouth, worrying about out-living everyone is unlikely."

"So why the sudden shock sit-down?" Oz asked.

"It hit me all at once and took me a second to adapt," Xander replied. "I mean, I could live to see mankind reach the stars. That's heavy. Of course then I remembered that while I may not age, the lifespan of a demon fighter on the Hellmouth isn't all that great."

"You could move some place safer," Wesley pointed out.

"I could be caught in a forest fire while camping, hit by a car crossing the street, eat the wrong kind of mushroom," Xander listed off. "There are no guarantees in life, but there is only one thing I can guarantee," Xander said.

"And that is?" asked Giles.

"The quickest way to end your life is by choosing not to live it," Xander replied. "Some guy whose name I probably never caught said an unexamined life is not worth living, but what he meant by that is that if you are just existing then you aren't really living."

"Deep," Oz summarized.

"It was Socrates," added Wesley, "and I believe it was more a statement about philosophers being superior to other people."

"I probably read it being quoted by one of the X-Men," Xander admitted. "Anyway, like I said, a long life isn't something any of us really have to worry about."

"That's depressing," Oz noted.

"Not really," Xander argued. "Look at how long Angel was kicking around and how little his life was actually worth for most of it. Would you rather live a long life as Angel or a short life as yourself doing something worthwhile?"

"Point taken," Giles said with a small grin.

Wesley stood a little straighter as he adjusted his jacket. "Indeed."

Oz tilted his head as he saw the effect of Xander's speech on the two. He recalled Tuxedo Mask's speeches to the scouts, and could see why Xander had become him. He wasn't the best fighter, but he reminded them of what they were doing and why.

"So which girl are you going to give the rod to?" Wesley asked, making Xander grin and Giles sigh.

"I'll skip the jokes for now," Xander said. "As I said, I have to be feeling positive emotions for the girl in question and right now that pretty much excludes Buffy, Cordelia, and Willow."

"I would suggest choosing carefully," said Giles, "as you'll likely be with that person for an exceedingly long time."

"Of that I am well aware," Xander said. "You can be sure I'll be very careful about who I give it to." He grabbed the edge of his cloak and swirled it around himself, changing back to his normal self as the cloak broke apart into a shower of Sakura petals that drifted artfully to the ground.

The four men stared at the floor around Xander.

"I'll get the vacuum," volunteered Oz.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Xander walked along the sidewalk a smile on his face as he headed home. Things seemed to be going his way for once and he was going to enjoy it as long as it lasted. 'I like the quiet,' he thought to himself.

A scream broke out, so naturally Xander ran towards it as always, but this time he ducked into a side alley to change first. He pulled a rose out of nowhere and slid it smoothly into his button hole, straightened his top hat, firmly gripped his cane, and leapt to the roof of the nearby store, his cloak flapping in the wind behind him.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Angel cursed as the vampire dusted, and took with it his final stake, as the vampire had managed to twist itself free even as he'd staked it; and his sword was lying on the ground, several feet away. Buffy dusted another vampire, her sword cutting smoothly through its neck, which left just the three vampires and their intended victim in the middle of the alley, boxed in by the pair of hunters.

"One step closer and I'll kill her!" warned the vampire in the middle, as he gripped the blonde girl he'd planned on turning, using her as a shield.

"Let her go and I'll let you go," offered Buffy, despite knowing the vampire probably wouldn't take it and even if he did, he would try to kill the girl just to spite Buffy. 'It was like the fable about the frog riding a crocodile across the river and how it poisoned him and they both drowned,' thought Buffy to herself.

"Yeah, we'll just-" the vampire on the left broke off mid-sentence and dove for Angel's sword, rolled back to its feet, and attacked the souled vampire. He'd noticed the slayer hadn't said she'd let 'them' go and figured his best chance of survival was to kill Angel and run. His two 'friends' could delay the slayer long enough for him to get a head start on escaping.

"Angel!" cried Buffy as she saw his predicament. She forgot about the hostage and leapt forward, slamming her right foot into the vampire's knee before she spun around, cleanly decapitating it.

"Crap," Angel said as the vampire swung at him and he jumped back, dodging the initial strike. He knew he wouldn't be able to dodge the follow up so he raised his arm to block it. He braced himself for the pain, but was met with a face full of ashes and the sound of his sword falling to the alley floor.

"What was that?!" demanded the last remaining vampire, hiding behind his hostage.

"Your death, villain," Tuxedo Mask declared as he landed in the alley.

"What the fuck?!" said the vampire, staring in stunned disbelief, his grip on the blonde loosening.

Angel, Buffy, and the remaining vamp might not have recognized him, but the blonde girl did. She saw the rose in his free hand and smiled. She jerked her body to the side, allowing Tuxedo Mask to throw the rose in his hand like a dart, it pierced the vampire's chest, and destroyed him.

"That was very well done," Tuxedo Mask complimented her.

Buffy helped Angel up and handed him his sword, preparing for another fight if the severely over-dressed man was here for malign purposes.

"Is that?" the former hostage asked as she saw the henshin rod in his hand, extended towards her.

"You trusted me," he replied with a smile. His instincts told him that she was the one.

"What's not to trust?" she asked. "I've known you for a long time and this is hardly the first time you've saved my life, even though I act like a complete bitch most of the time." Her eyes were glued to the henshin rod. "Not sure that makes us true loves though."

Tuxedo Mask grinned, realizing what she was thinking. "Sailor Moon was not the first scout. Look closer."

"I'm relieved. A little disappointed, but mostly relieved," she said as she accepted the henshin rod. "I mean, Sailor Moon has to deal with true love and saving humanity." She lifted the rod high and called out, "Venus Avatar Invocation!"

Angel and Buffy stared in shock as Harmony Kendall underwent an anime magic girl transformation sequence.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

"What the hell?!" Aphrodite exclaimed in shock.

"Something wrong?" asked Zeus, wondering if she hadn't liked his chili.

Aphrodite looked around the table, but none of the rest of the pantheon looked like they had even noticed what had just happened.

"I just gained an earthly avatar," she replied, interrupting their weekly dinner.

"But... we're forbidden from creating avatars," Athena said.

"I didn't say I created one, I said I just gained one," explained Aphrodite. "I have no idea what happened."

"I better consult with Gaia," Zeus said.

"Ahem," Hera said, giving her husband a look.

"I mean, 'we' should consult with Gaia," Zeus corrected himself, taking his wife's hand and eliciting a broad smile before they both vanished in a burst of light.

"Marriage counseling did wonders for them," Aphrodite said with a smile.

"Who knew joining him in his philandering would solve all their problems?" Athena said.

"To take an interest in his hobbies is the first piece of advice I give any woman," said Aphrodite cheerfully. "Pass the chili," she requested.

**Typing by: Ordieth**

**AN: A number of people requested the Sailor Moon option so Tada!**


	67. Assassins

**Assassins**

**Part 1 : ****YEMF Chapter 61**

"But seriously," Dawn said, "if you have to obey my every order we might want to do something about that."

"In the movie The Terminator disregarded John's orders so he could keep him safe," Xander pointed out.

"But was that because he had other orders that overrode John's orders or because he'd learned to break his own programming?" Dawn asked, as they continued towards the waffle house.

"In the movie they left that kinda vague," Xander admitted.

"We'll have to test it," Dawn decided. "Hold my hand."

Xander took her hand. "Was this part of the test? Because I gotta tell ya, I don't mind holding your hand."

"You'd have held my hand regardless," Dawn realized.

"Hold your hand, give you a hug, kiss your forehead," Xander told her. "All things I do at the drop of a hat."

"You could just not do the things I order you to do," Dawn said, "then we'd know."

"Unless it was more subtle programming where I would disobey because I knew you wanted me to," Xander said thoughtfully.

"Are you trying to make this more confusing?" Dawn asked with a groan.

"No, I just tend to overthink things at times," he admitted.

"OK, easiest way to test it is if I order you to do something I want you to do that you don't want to do," Dawn decided.

"True…" Xander said, trying to figure out how that could confuse things and coming up blank.

"Ok, let's head into an ally," she suggested.

"In Sunnydale at night?" he asked.

"You're a Terminator and I'm a ghost when I want to be," she reminded him. "Plus we are both far too skilled to worry about a couple of vampires."

"True," Xander conceded as she led him into a dark ally. "Now what?" he asked.

"Now, kiss me," Dawn ordered.

Xander kissed her forehead.

"On the lips, with tongue," Dawn ordered, pulling his face down to hers. A half minute later she released him and licked her lips, taking a moment to catch her breath before clearing her throat and saying, "Ok, looks like you have to obey me."

"Maybe," Xander admitted.

Dawn blinked and tilted her head. "Maybe?"

"You kinda took me by surprise there, but… I erm, don't have a problem kissing you," he said softly.

Dawn grinned widely. "Really?"

"Not only do you have Kitty's powers, you also seems to have… developed, erm advanced a year or two," Xander said as he compared memories of her from before Halloween and her current state, his software drawing a three-dimensional projection of her sans clothes and noting all the changes. He cleared his throat. "You may want to be… careful on what you order me to do because… I'm… not finding nearly as many… restrictions on my behavior."

"Restrictions on your behavior?" she asked curiously, unaware of the broad smile on her face.

"The robot side keeps tossing up alternate sentences when I'm unsure of what to say," he explained. "It's way cool and is really helping out, like an additional brain."

"Does it have any suggestions on figuring out if you have to obey me and to what extent?" Dawn asked, not sure what answer she wanted to hear.

"Recursive error," Xander said shaking his head. "My organic half suggests we simply ignore it and you not order me around," he told her.

"Not even a little?" Dawn leaned into him and pulling his head down to hers.

"Well," Xander said as his lips approached hers, "maybe a little."

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

The pair exited the alley straightening their clothes.

"Ignoring the whole 'I might be able to control you' thing, what do we do now?" Dawn asked.

"Date for a while and see how it goes?" Xander suggested.

"I'd like that," Dawn agreed, grabbing his hand. "I was thinking more, what are we going to do with our new abilities, but I like your priorities."

Xander grinned. "We have scrambled my wetware, let's go eat, so when they ask later – and you know they will – we can tell them about our date without talking about back alleys."

"Mom wasn't sure you knew it was a date," Dawn admitted, recalling what her mother had said earlier.

"I knew it was a date," Xander said, "I just figured it was more friendly and less date-date. Kinda like a pre-date."

"It was," Dawn agreed. "However now it is a date-date."

"Fine, but next date I pay for," Xander said slowly.

"Can we exploit our abilities and make lots of money before that?" Dawn asked.

"Sure, but I never pegged you for an expensive girl to date," he admitted.

"I'm not, but I want to make Buffy green with envy," Dawn admitted. "It's a sibling thing, plus I want to show how much better you are than Angel."

"Then I am definitely in," Xander agreed.

"You really don't like him," Dawn said. "Is it because of how much you like my sister? And don't lie, I know you can like more than one person at a time so even if you're seeing me you'll still like her, though hopefully less than me."

"Hard to say," Xander admitted with a frown. "You make me feel warm and fuzzy over and beyond the pants region. Buffy makes me feel more in the pants region and less of the warm and fuzzy. Really, the major Buffy thing, relationship wise, is that she allows me to do something meaningful with me life. So… my main connection to her is neither romantic nor lusty."

I think I can understand that," Dawn said. "And Angel?"

"Lots of pity, no lust, and some hypocritical disgust thrown in," Xander replied.

"Hypocritical?" she asked as they reached Das Waffle Haus.

"He looks to be in his mid-20's and is dating a girl in her mid-teens, but really he's much older than Giles and if Giles was dating a girl her age I doubt Buffy and Willow would claim it was romantic. But since he's a vampire do we still go by the age thing or do we go by relative maturity? If we go by maturity level they are much more equal," Xander admitted.

"You have put a lot of thought into it," Dawn said, as Xander opened the door for her.

"Willow told me I was just being jealous more than once, so I thought it through. It's a bit hypocritical of me because I have a couple of years on you, even if it's nothing compared to Angel and Buffy, but I don't have a problem dating you," he explained.

"Xander, no offense, but I think I'm more mature than you," Dawn said as they scanned the nearly empty restaurant and chose a table near the fire exit where they had a good view of the entrance.

"After having Kitty added in you just might be," he admitted, "but I hope that doesn't change you too much, after all Dawn Summers meant a lot to me before all this happened."

"Warm and fuzzy, just not in the pants region," Dawn guessed.

"You always put a smile on my face, even when you were being a brat, and I really enjoyed your innocent hugs," Xander replied.

"Much the same here, but you apparently missed how often I wrapped my legs around you and squeezed," she said with a smirk, before pulling up the menu.

Xander froze up for a second. "Does every… never mind, I don't want to know."

"What'll you have?" the waitress asked, ignoring the way the couple blushed.

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

Joyce peeked through the curtains as Xander and Dawn stood on the porch and said goodnight. She was a little surprised when, instead of going for a kiss, Dawn leapt up and hugged him, wrapping her legs around him for a moment before dropping back down and coming inside.

"So… how'd it go?" Joyce asked after she'd closed the door.

"It was fantastic!" Dawn squealed.

"I think fantastic would require more than just a hug," Joyce said, not wanting Dawn to get her hopes up.

"I think the hug got my feelings across," Dawn said with a smirk. "The only reason we didn't kiss is because Buffy and Willow are hiding in the bushes across the street and rather than get an argument we decided to ease them into it. Besides, we aren't in any rush."

"That is surprisingly mature," Joyce said.

"Yeah," Dawn agreed, "and speaking of mature I seem to have hit a growth spurt."

Joyce took a closer look at Dawn and had to do it again as she had a hard time believing what she was just now noticing. "Honey…" her voice trailed off, unsure of what to say.

"We need to go clothes shopping," Dawn told her mother.

"I think a mother-daughter day is called for," Joyce said. "Is there going to be a believable explanation for how you've changed?"

"Not really," Dawn admitted. "It will be truthful, however, and I can back it up with proof."

Joyce hugged Dawn tightly. "You're still my baby girl and the explanation can wait until lunch tomorrow, right?"

"Yes, it can," Dawn agreed.

"Good," Joyce said, "then I'm going to bed. Be ready to go to the mall after breakfast."

"Will do, mom," Dawn promised, thinking Mom was taking this much better than she had Buffy burning down the gym.

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander looked over the list of commands he'd just discovered that were hardwired into his CPU as he walked home. He'd like to have shared the list with Dawn, but it had a high probability of upsetting her, which conflicted with his behavior protocols, not to mention putting a little too much temptation in her hands, in his opinion.

He knew it would have been too much temptation for him if he'd gotten a Buffinator ordered to obey him when he was a freshman.

Thankfully his CPU accepted his interpretation of its orders as part of its programming, allowing him to alter its orders at will. As long as he was conscious everything was good.

"Hey, lunch," a vamp quipped before attacking Xander as he passed the Bronze.

Xander broke its right arm, spine, and neck in that order, not really paying attention as he robbed it and dropped it on the pavement, lost in his own thoughts as his body ran on remote control. He was jarred from his thoughts as his CPU suggested acquiring additional data on magic for offensive and defensive use. He sent back a suggestion for his CPU to acquire a mobile phone number and a satellite net connection, figuring that would keep it busy for a while, while as he figured out what he should do next. His mind kept returning to his CPU's suggestion and reading the list of reasons it gave for doing so. Its reasoning and logic were flawless of course, and despite his own misgivings he decided to follow its suggestions.

He dropped the vampire he'd just crippled on top of its friend, as he changed directions and walked down the alley he'd just come through, taking care to step over the crippled vampires scatted about, but not really seeing them.

**Typing by: Jarreas**


	68. The Power of 3 (NSFW)

**The Power of… 3 (NSFW)**

**YASEMF Chapter 53 : Part 1**

**YASEMF Chapter 60 : Part 2**

As the six of them stepped out of the school, a small group of vampires approached.

"Well, well, what do we have here," one of the vamps said with a smirk.

Cordelia and Willow tensed up and exchanged identical looks of horror as they turned to Xander.

"Oh dear," Wesley said nervously.

Suddenly the vamps all exploded into dust and everyone but Xander and Faith made a face and began spitting.

"Oh Lord, why do I taste salty pennies?!" Wesley demanded.

"He didn't!" Willow begged as they all turned around only to find an embarrassed Xander standing there with a salt shaker and a handful of pennies.

"That's a relief," Oz said, before frowning. "These are not my underwear."

"How do you know?" Faith asked.

"Wasn't wearing any," Oz replied. "Nice support though."

"Eep!" Willow exclaimed as she realized what she wasn't wearing.

"I have a wedgie," Wesley noted as he tried to adjust himself.

"A G-string will do that," Cordelia said, checking to see what the underwear she had on looked like. "Boxers are rather nice," she noted, "comfortable. Bra feels tight."

"So does mine," Willow said, reaching in to adjust herself and pulling out a handful of bills that her bra had been stuffed with.

"I'm OK with this," Cordelia decided as she counted up the amount of cash that had lined her bra.

"Give me that," Faith told Xander, taking off his new headband, which turned out to be her underwear. She pocketed her underwear with a snicker.

"What's this?" Cordelia asked curiously, taking a remote out of her purse and pushing a button.

"Yoink!" Faith said, snatching it out of her hand and turning it off.

"Hey, Miss grabby," Cordelia complained," I wasn't finished with that."

"I ain't kinky enough to let you play with it in public," Faith replied, wiggling a little.

"What? Oh!" Cordelia blushed and turned away as she realized what the remote was likely to, going by Faith's reaction.

"Are you going to say anything?" Willow asked Xander.

"No, can't really think of anything to say except I'm glad it was a prank and not sex… and I've dyed and styled everyone's pubes," he said quickly. "Let's get to Wes' before anything more happens."

"You what?" came the near universal chorus.

"Let's go before something worse happens," Xander said tersely.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"My pubes have been dyed in a horizontal rainbow pattern," Oz noted. "It's kinda stylish."

"Mine is shaped into a heart," Willow told him.

"Sounds cute," he assured her, making her blush.

"I was shaved," Faith said with a snicker, "yet somehow he gave me a Snidely Whiplash mustache and goatee."

"And a sex toy," Xander added.

"A remote controlled one," Faith agreed. "You have one strange power."

"Anything to share?" Oz asked Cordelia and Wesley.

"I was freshly shaved and they were painted like soccer balls," Wes admitted.

"Cordelia?" Willow asked, but Cordelia remained silent.

"Xander?" Faith asked him.

"Cornrows with little beads," he replied, ignoring Cordelia's glare. "Takes a lot of hair to pull that off."

"Ruined a perfectly good waxing, which I now have to do again," Cordelia complained.

"How did you get hair to grow like that?" Wesley asked. "Was it just something you willed to occur or was there a physical component?"

"There's a bottle of cream in Cordelia's bag that causes hair growth," Xander replied, "rub a little dab in and poof."

"Does it work on just pubes?" Oz asked.

"Works on any hair," Xander replied, "at least according to the label it does."

"Does it work on bald guys, because I know one of my father's old associates who would sacrifice a leg not to have to wear a toupee," Cordelia said.

"Yes, but wear gloves," Xander suggested, relieved that no one seemed to be upset at him and beginning to relax a little.

"I'll pop in the tape," Wesley said.

**After the video had played…**

"How come we get cash and extra pubes and they just get written on and instant orgasms?" Faith asked.

"Vamps carry a lot of cash on them, which is what I stuffed bras with and I don't see writing insults on you guys as all that pranky," Xander guessed.

"The relatively tame nature of the pranks on us, as opposed to the vampires you dealt with earlier, shows you won't do anything... harmful to us," Wesley said. "At least that's what I'd theorize from what I've seen thus far."

"Yeah..." Xander said slowly, "but you and me spit roasting Cordelia or Willow and Oz in a daisy chain with Faith... not exactly harmful."

Everyone turned to stare wide eyed at Xander except Faith who just looked thoughtful.

"The scenes where they stuck people together and then ended the timestop and they were suddenly having sex and couldn't stop," Willow realized.

"Yep," Xander agreed. "I can see where things are modified to fit my personality, which considering some of the things the Japanese do in porn is a relief, but in the end, it's still a porn power."

"At least it only activates in response to a threat to your safety and well being," Wesley said. "That is the only way it activates, correct?"

"So far," Xander agreed. "I suppose there could be other ways to activate it, but that's the only way I've found so far."

Cordelia turned to Xander. "From what we've seen, you've used up all the 'safe' uses around us, meaning the next use is going to be really perverted, so just so we're clear, if you ever use that ability around me again," she glared at him, "I'll have you neutered."

**An hour later...**

The group laid there naked, sticky, and exhausted.

"Cordelia..." Willow began, but her voice trailed off as she found she had nothing to say.

"Not one of my brightest moves," Cordelia admitted.

"I didn't mind it," Faith said with a satisfied grin.

"No comments?" Cordelia asked Xander.

"Only that I'm glad you didn't trigger this around the others," Xander said.

"Others?" Oz asked.

"Giles and Deadboy," Xander replied. "Possibly Snyder."

"Thank you for that," Willow said seriously.

"Shouldn't you be all anxious and shy?" Faith asked Willow, who was sprawled half on Oz.

"Probably, but I'm feeling pretty mellow and relaxed," Willow replied.

"Huh," Faith said thoughtfully. "Nothing to say Oz?"

"Taste the rainbow," Oz deadpanned, causing the two girls to bust out laughing.

"Your power has progressed to the 'make everyone engage in sex' stage," Wesley told Xander. "What is the stage after that?"

"There isn't one," Xander replied. "We went straight from pranks to everyone comes out of the freeze having sex, completely skipping the part where I randomly molest girls."

"Are we going to have an orgy every time someone threatens you?" Cordelia asked.

"I think I actually have to feel threatened," Xander replied, "and... I doubt it'll work out this way again."

"That's a little sad," Willow said.

"I agree," Faith said. "It was kinda like... team bonding."

"A number of warrior cultures had similar practices," Wesley offered, "though they used mushrooms or alcohol to remove inhibitions, not magic."

"Magic probably works better and with less side effects," Oz said.

"So everyone being so calm is a side effect?" Xander asked curiously.

"Nah," Faith waved it off. "It seems Red just needed to get laid really bad to mellow her out and I'm not sure about Cordy over there, but the rest of us aren't the type to get upset at a surprise orgy when us chicks are this hot."

"I'm not going to get upset when it was my actions that triggered it," Cordelia said. "I realized what I'd done the moment I finished saying it. Besides... I'm feeling a bit relaxed myself."

"Think we could pull this off again sometime?" Faith asked, trying to sound casual, but failing as she enjoyed the closeness of the group and the lack of shame she'd normally feel, after sex with some random guy.

"Just takes an honest threat and Xander feeling threatened," Willow said thoughtfully.

"I don't think we've tested his powers enough to be completely sure," Wesley suggested. "It may take further testing."

Cordelia sighed. "That was a yes, in case you didn't get these two trying to be subtle."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Is it just me, or does magic not seem to work right on Xander?" Buffy asked Giles.

"I'm not sure," Giles replied as he considered it. "He hasn't cast any spells, but even spells that don't target him directly do seem to go awry."

"I thought the love spell was cause he pissed off a goddess," Buffy said, scanning the graveyard for vamps.

"That's an interesting hypothesis and certainly fits the facts," Giles said thoughtfully. "If not for the fact that the gods pay little attention to us these days, I'd agree. What I was referring to, however, was the times he's been possessed. Normally, possessions will simply reinforce traits one already possesses, not add them to the individual in question."

"And normal wishes from vengeance demons don't benefit the one who makes them," Buffy said. "I read up on them after what happened."

"Quite," Giles agreed. He paused to shoot a vampire with his crossbow, causing it to explode into dust before Buffy could attack it.

Buffy pouted a little, but returned to the conversation. "Only Xander would gain a power that would allow him to stop time so he could... stake vampires before staking vampires."

"Crude, but accurate," Giles agreed. "However, I believe his power also extends to humans."

"Which complicates things nicely," Buffy said, shaking her head. "A great power with a side effect I can't exactly blame on him, but would make things really awkward all around."

"A large enough group might exhaust him before he gets around to... staking his friends," Giles offered uncomfortably.

"Good luck testing that one out," Buffy said. "Maybe if I arrange alternate targets."

"Pardon?" Giles asked.

"Don't mind me," Buffy said with a grin, "just thinking of possible uses for Harmony and her crowd."

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


	69. Reboot to the head 3

**Reboot to The Head 3**

**Chapter 1 - YASEMF 56**

**Chapter 2 - YASEMF 61**

Ron eyed Lady Tristran's. It was designed based on a plantation house, the kind you'd see in old movies about whorehouses in the south. A party was going on, he could hear the music, see the lights and the line of limos' parked around the place took up most of the surrounding area. Ron adjusted his mask and set down the box he was carrying, causing the bottles inside to clink together. Whistling cheerfully to himself, he opened the box and took out a bottle with a rag sticking out of the top. He turned the bottle over and held the rag in place with his thumb as he shook it to make sure the rag had enough gasoline to catch fire when he lit it. A quick flick of a Bic and it flared up beautifully, but as he drew back his arm to throw it, a whip wrapped around the neck of the bottle and tore it out of his hands.

"Oops," Catwoman said, sounding not sorry at all, as the bottle of gasoline went through the open sunroof on a nearby limo and set the interior ablaze.

"Can I help you?" Ron asked curiously, as Catwoman just stood there, making no move to do anything more, while the limo driver and a guard panicked and tried to extinguish the blaze.

"No, I'm good," she assured him. "Go ahead with your business."

"Alright," Ron said, pulling out another Molotov Cocktail and lighting it up. But once more the bottle was ripped from his hand and ended up in another limo. Ron sighed. "Is there something you'd like to discuss with me?" he asked as he lit another bottle and a third limo caught fire a moment later.

"Well I am a bit concerned about my old alma mater," Catwoman admitted.

"You object to me burning the place down?" Ron guessed.

"It would leave quite a few young ladies not only out of work, but homeless as well," Catwoman pointed out.

Ron thought about that as he lit another Molotov and another limo burned a few seconds later. "I have moral objections to young women being forced into prostitution," he told her.

"I completely understand and agree with that," Catwoman said, the pair ignoring the panic and chaos caused by the flaming vehicles. "However, none of the girls here were forced into it. All of the girls here receive everything they need to succeed in life including education and training so they can leave if they choose to."

"And the age of the girls?" Ron asked, ignoring the sound of firetrucks.

"Sixteen to seventeen-year-old girls are allowed to mingle and learn how to act, but actual "under-cover" work is not allowed until they are eighteen," Catwoman said.

"There is a girl in there who entered the house at fourteen and has been there a year," Ron told her, as he picked up the box and headed for the back of the building.

"Occasionally a younger girl may be allowed entrance," Catwoman admitted. "All the cases I know of involved girls who attracted the attention of a pimp or a dealer and this was the only safe place for them."

"Hiding from a pimp in a whorehouse?" Ron asked doubtfully, before awkwardly climbing a brick wall while carrying his box.

Catwoman walked up the wall like it was a set of stairs, barely breaking her stride. "There is a big difference between turning tricks for a pimp and working a whorehouse, which I'm not surprised you know nothing about."

"So enlighten me," Ron said, hopping down from the wall and setting his box on the grass.

"Pimps will take most of your earnings and care not at all for your health, after addicting you to something to make sure you can't escape," she explained. "Houses like this take less than half your earnings, screen clientele, and ensure you stay healthy and have options."

"Still turning tricks," Ron said slowly, knowing he really couldn't argue with her.

Catwoman laughed. "Men," she said with a sigh, "always making more out of sex than it is. Sex isn't dirty or evil, nor is it degrading… unless you're into that."

Ron looked around the large, well-manicured, back lawn as he picked up one of his two remaining Molotov's. "Well… I'm setting fire to the Gazebo and rescuing the fifteen-year-old girl anyway."

"Acceptable," Catwoman said.

Ron threw his Molotov cocktail and scored a direct hit, showering the gazebo in burning gasoline, but the sound of breaking glass caused him to glance back and see the hedge maze was burning as well.

Catwoman just raised an eyebrow at his look. "What? Do you know how many times I had to trim that as punishment? Now go 'save' the girl."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Gwen took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself. Tonight she turned '18' and would service her first customer, a rather well built young man from a rich family who the other girls said was decently skilled and a big tipper who had paid a substantial fee to be her first.

She was not quite sure how she felt about it. On the one hand she'd been trained and prepared for this, but on the other it also felt like she was taking a big step, one she wasn't sure she was quite ready for. It wasn't the sex so much as the situation, she was taking the final step into a lifestyle where she would be counted as an adult and expected to be one.

She didn't feel anywhere near ready even with all her training. It beat being on the streets hands down, but she just wished… Gwen snickered. Here she was dressed in an authentic 'I Dream of Jeanie' outfit and she was making wishes.

"I just wish I had more options," she admitted aloud.

***CRASH!***

The door was slammed open and a young man dressed as the Dread Pirate Roberts burst in. "Gwen Tennyson?" I'm here to rescue you," he announced before sweeping her up in his arms.

"My Hero!" she gushed, as he carried her off, guessing this was the man who had paid for her, as it would explain the outfit he'd requested she wear. He wasn't as well built as she'd expected, being a bit pudgy around the middle, but he was attractive enough that some of her fear began to fade away. Feeling his strong arms around her as he carried her off, she decided that she might actually enjoy a little role play.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Ron's escape was actually pretty anti-climactic, as everyone faded out of the path of the man with the glowing blue aura, so he made it easily downstairs whereupon he ducked into a closet.

It was nearly a quarter of an hour before someone got up the courage to open the closet, only to find it empty.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"You're a Meta?" Gwen asked, looking around wide-eyed.

"Mystically empowered," Ron corrected her as he set her on the sofa, pleased that Shadowcrest hadn't screwed with him for once and had opened into the entryway so he didn't have to wander through half the building.

"You aren't… my client, are you?" Gwen asked, cautiously.

"No, and at fifteen you shouldn't be having any clients," Ron replied.

"I turn sixteen at midnight!" Gwen defended herself.

"Oh, well, Happy Birthday," Ron said, "but my point still stands, you shouldn't have clients."

"I'd rather be an escort than live on the streets," Gwen replied. "And I couldn't stay… after the fire…"

"I understand," Ron told her. "I just found out about what happened to you a few hours ago, or I would have been there sooner, a lot sooner."

"Who are you and why did you… rescue me?" she asked cautiously.

Ron began to pace, pausing when he saw a small box with his name on it on a side table and opened it up, examining the broken Omnitrix inside.

"My name is Ron stoppable," he told her, closing the box and handing it to her. "I'm here to offer you an option other than selling your body."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"There…. There has to be some mistake," Kim said as the scrying pool became cloudy, the image of a blue skinned Ron laughing triumphantly as the world's government's surrendered to him fading away.

"No… that was Ron and that happened," Zatanna said slowly. "I wouldn't read too much into it just yet however, we have very little context for what we saw. Interpreting what you scry correctly is often difficult."

"His skin was blue, he enslaved Shego and he took over the world," Kim pointed out. "Not exactly hard to figure out."

"Just because he is tapping into a mystical power that gives him a blue aura doesn't mean his skin is going to turn blue and he's going to enslave Shego here," Zatanna said, guessing what Kim was worried about.

Kim took a deep breath and slowly let it out before speaking, "You're the expert, but at the first hint of…"

"Blue skin and an enslaved Shego?" Zatanna joked.

Kim laughed. "I guess I am being a little paranoid, but even if we aren't all that close anymore, he was my best friend for most of my life and I owe him."

Zatanna smiled. "I understand…" the magician paled as her voice trailed off.

"What?" Kim asked.

"Ron just entered with a very powerful female," Zatanna said.

"Can you handle Shego while I take out Ron?" Kim asked as she put on her cowl and adjusted her outfit.

"Shouldn't I handle Ron while you handle Shego?" Zatanna asked.

"He's already shown he can break your bindings and as I said, he's my friend and I owe him. I'll take him down and get him unpossessed or whatever, just like he'd do for me," Batgirl said resolutely.

"Alright, I'll do my best to bind Shego, while you take on Ron, but if they turn out to be too strong for us, I'll have to use the wards to eject them," Zatanna warned.

"What does that do?" Batgirl asked.

"Pushes them outside the ward boundaries," Zatanna replied. "Doesn't even bruise unless they fall on their tucas."

"Alright let's do this," Batgirl said.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Options?" Gwen questioned. "I'm an orphan who owes a decent chunk of cash to a Gotham City house for high class escorts. My options aren't exactly stellar even if I change my name. I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder and… I don't feel right about stiffing Lady Tristran's."

"Really?" Ron asked before quickly correcting himself. "I'm not trying to insinuate anything, I just learned I was out of my depth with the whole situation in ways my raised-by-the-TV, middle class suburban life didn't prepare me for."

Gwen giggled, much to her own surprise, but recovered and got serious once more. "The place where I wasn't the greatest, there were all sorts of medical test so at least they wanted us healthy, but there were rumors about kids getting adopted who just dropped off the map, stopped calling and writing and everyone knew there were a couple of people who worked there who were a little too hands on in both senses of the word. Fortunately, one of the older girls took me under her wing, so nothing bad happened to us and we knew what to avoid. After the fire… The streets were cold, dirty, unforgiving. Gotham has some decent homeless shelters, but they look a little too close at you, so I had to go to the less well funded ones where they were overworked and I would be overlooked."

"It'd help keep you from getting returned to the orphanage," Ron agreed, letting her know he was listening as she paused to think about what she needed to say.

"There are predators that prey on people there, making themselves look like nice people. A little food, some clothes, maybe a little something to help cheer you up," she explained, he eyes focused on the past. "Everything they do is obvious, but it's hard to see it when you're cold, hungry, and tired of being on guard all the time. One of the girls at Lady Tristran's recognized me and the couple who were trying to sweet talk me into trying something new to take the edge off of the sharp corners."

"A couple?" Ron asked, surprised.

Gwen snorted. "Only in after school specials is it a gaudily dressed pimp. No, in real life it's a lot easier for a woman to make a kid feel safe and assure them everything will be fine. Anyway, long story short, next thing I know, the girl who had taken me under her wing at… that place was escorting me into Lady Tristran's and giving me options I didn't know were available to me. Instead of a strung out whore, dead in the gutter before I reached thirty, I could be a high priced escort and retire completely at thirty. It wasn't a hard choice to make and they bent the rules so I could, despite my age."

"Okay, I did not expect that, but considering that was Gotham, I guess I should have," Ron admitted.

"How did you think I ended up there?" Gwen asked curiously.

"I thought they just lined all the girls up, grabbed the two or three most attractive and drug them off to Lady Tristran's," Ron admitted. "In my defense… middle class suburbanite here."

Gwen turned away so he wouldn't see her blush. "I spent a year getting trained and taking classes. I have my G.E.D., can blend in anywhere, had a mole removed, took self-defense classes… I'm in the house for a four-year contract or just under thirty-four thousand dollars, but it's worth it. I owe them more than just money."

"So I can buy out your contract for thirty-five grand?" Ron asked.

"I – Yes," Gwen agreed, surprised, but recalling being told about rich patrons buying out a girl's contract and what it could lead to and while her 'hero' didn't look rich, appearances could be deceiving.

"What would you say to me buying out your contract and you spending the next four years in Greendale Community College?" he asked.

Gwen straightened up, crossed her arms and assumed a pose anyone who'd ever seen 'I Dream of Jeanie' would recognize instantly and asked with a grin, "I'd say… What is thy bidding, my master?"

**Typed By: – Sitheus Maximus**


	70. Reboot to the head 4

**Reboot to The Head 4**

**Chapter 1 - YASEMF 56**

**Chapter 2 - YASEMF 61**

**Chapter 3 - YASEMF 69**

"Just to check," Zatanna said, calmly, as she entered the living room with Batgirl, "you aren't planning on enslaving her and taking over the world are you? Or was the whole 'What do you wish, Master?' a sign we're too late?"

"Pretty sure Gwen was just joking and I'm far too lazy to take over my apartment building, much less the world," Ron replied.

"Seventy-thirty," Gwen replied at Zatanna's questioning glance. "I can think of a number of orders I wouldn't mind following from him."

"What are you?" Zatanna asked curiously. "I mean you feel powerful, but nowhere near as powerful as a Djinn."

"Powerful?" Gwen asked. "I'm just an escort."

"An escort?" Zatanna replied in disbelief.

"Gwen you are no longer an escort and you have never been 'just' anything. You are a Tennyson, descended from a long line of heroes," Ron assured her. "None of them had powers though."

"We'll return to that in a minute," Zatanna said. "Roberts, what can you tell me about Zorpac?"

"How do you even know about that?" Ron asked. "I mean that didn't even happen in this timeline!"

"I scryed the other timeline," Zatanna replied. "Answer the question, please."

"Sure." Ron shrugged. "Dr. Drakken invented a device and somehow it transferred all his evil blueness into me."

"Whereupon you then enslaved Shego and took over the world," Zatanna said. "How were you so… effective compared to him?"

"Ah, that's easy to explain," Ron replied. "Even though I don't apply it to schoolwork, I have a pretty high IQ, so adding Dr. Drakken's to my own put me above his level. He's a pretty nice guy under all his evil impulses and he's used to resisting them. I on the other hand am just an average guy who has no experience with any of that, so I ended up a lot more ruthless and... let's call it 'goal oriented."

"You took over the world?" Gwen asked Ron in disbelief.

"One time, while possessed by... evil Smurfiness and in a completely different timeline," Ron assured Gwen. "Besides, I gave it back once I was returned to normal."

"How are you so much better a villain than a hero?" Zatanna demanded before wincing. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

"Yes you did," Ron replied. "But it's okay, I completely agree with you. I make a world conquering villain when evil, while only rating a sidekick while good." He shook his head and chuckled. "The problem is you're looking at it all wrong. I was never some great hero… because I never needed to be one."

"I'm confused," Gwen admitted.

Ron took off his mask and ran his fingers through his hair. "Ron Stoppable was the partner of Kim Possible, which is like being a life guard with Aquaman for a kiddy pool. I never felt the need to outshine Kim, I simply did what was needed to make sure she succeeded."

Zatanna noticed Batgirl had frozen in place, giving nothing away about her thoughts or feelings on what was being discussed. "But wouldn't Kim's job have been easier if you carried more of the load?"

Ron laughed. "I wasn't trying to compete, but Kim sure was," Ron said with a grin before sighing slightly. "Mostly she competed with Shego, but she really didn't take well to anyone out doing her. Let me give you an example. There was a deranged fishman named Gil who took all of the cheerleaders from our school hostage. I defeated him and freed the cheerleaders, but when the reporters arrived they assumed Kim had rescued everyone."

"And she didn't correct them?" Gwen guessed.

"Not even about getting my name wrong," Ron said. "Kim does not like to take second place."

"Sounds like a horrible friend," Gwen said.

"Everyone has their quirks and compulsions," Ron replied easily. "Being a friend is about understanding and accepting them and she rarely kicked up a fuss about mine, of which there were many."

"So, no hard feelings about it?" Zatanna asked, knowing that Batgirl wasn't about to.

"Only one thing about the whole things annoys me," Ron said with a sigh. "One of the cheerleaders had a huge crush on me and she was as nice as she was beautiful, and Kim never said a word to either of us."

"Good friend, but lousy wingman?" Zatanna offered.

"Exactly," Ron agreed. "Now I wasn't in any way a perfect wingman myself, but in my defense her taste in Boys was horrible. Half the time it was shallow pretty boys and the other half was villains in disguise. Anyway to avoid friction I did just as much as was needed to make sure she won and I'm sure she put up with equal amounts of crap from my own quirks."

"You do have quite a few quirks," Zatanna admitted with a grin.

"Exactly," Ron agreed cheerfully. "Now does that answer your questions about me taking over the world?"

"Yes it does," Zatanna agreed, flashing a smug grin at Batgirl before turning to Gwen. "I sense a lot of magical power in you."

"News to me," Gwen replied, trying to keep calm despite the fact that one of the Bat Clan was here, she was talking to one of the Justice League and her rescuer turned out to be Ron Stoppable. Learning she might have powers on top of everything else was just icing on the cake. She was tempted to pinch herself to see if she was dreaming.

"We can see about getting her some training later," Ron said, stifling a yawn. "For the moment it's getting late and we have a lot to do tomorrow."

"We do?" Gwen asked.

"We do." Ron assured her. "We have to buy out your contract, pick up your things, and register you for school."

"College," Gwen said, softly pinching herself to make sure she was awake. "What courses am I going to take?"

"Whichever ones interest you," Ron replied. "Greendale is the strangest college you are ever going to find, but it's a lot of fun."

"You're calling it strange?!" Zatanna burst out.

"Just because my motto is 'Never be normal' doesn't mean I can't recognize strange," Ron replied with a laugh. "It just means I can appreciate it better than most."

"Fair enough," she agreed. "One last question then."

"Okay, shoot," Ron said.

"Where is Rufus?" Zatanna asked.

"He's on a quest to sail around the world," Ron replied. "One of our classmates was rich and old and ... let's just say the will was in proud Greendale tradition."

"I'll get the story from you later," Zatanna said. "Night Ron, Gwen."

"Night," Gwen said.

"Night Guys," Ron said cheerfully, taking one of Gwen's hands and pulling out his keys. Using a nearby shadow as a door, he and Gwen left.

Zatanna turned to Batgirl. "I will hold off gloating about being right, to ask 'why did you cock block him in high school?"

Kim Possible pulled off her cowl and explained, "I didn't really cock block him. Tara's best friend was Bonnie who was a major bitch to him every chance she got. So if I had fixed up the two it wouldn't have lasted long anyway, so I just kept my nose out of it."

"And taking credit?" Zatanna asked.

"I couldn't bring myself to admit I spent the fight glued to the school bus by a giant loogie," Kim admitted. "Mostly I just kept quiet and escaped as soon as possible to take the hottest shower I could stand."

"So he was wrong about you always needing to be the best?" Zatanna asked.

Kim sighed. "No, he was right on target here. Batman has almost knocked it out of my head now, but back then I had a bit of an ego."

Zatanna started laughing. "Bit of an ego?" A cushion hit her in the face and she grabbed it. "A Bat Pillow?" she asked in disbelief as she noticed the logo, before comparing it to the ones on her sofa. "Hey!"

"I know we have the legend of having nearly everything on our utility belts, so I got a bunch of Bat stickers to plaster on anything I want to use and make it even worse," Kim explained with a grin.

"SWOLLIP YLPITLUM DNA KCSTTA LRIGTAB!" Zatanna intoned with an evil grin.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Cozy," Gwen said looking around Ron's apartment.

"It was just me and Rufus before he left for his cruise," Ron explained.

Gwen glanced around. "So Rufus was your... partner?"

"Been with me since I was a kid," Ron replied, before he realized what she was thinking. "He was my partner in side-kicking for Kim. Rufus is a hyper intelligent naked mole rat."

"Oh," Gwen said smiling broadly. "I'd forgotten about him."

"Yes, the Ron-Man likes the ladies," he said in an over the top manner to make her laugh.

"With a preference for red heads?" Gwen teased.

"Who doesn't- I mean not particularly," he corrected himself blushing.

Gwen just grinned. "So what's the sleeping situation?"

"I have a fold out couch that is actually comfortable," Ron said. "I stole the blueprints from Drakken and built it with a couple of friends, so you may either steal my bed or the couch, but both are pretty damn comfortable."

"Which do you want?" she asked.

"As a creature of habit, I'd prefer my bed, but as my guest you get first pick," Ron admitted.

"I don't have a problem with you sleeping in your bed," Gwen replied absently, the number of surprises she'd gone through making her feel a bit numb now that it was all over.

"Cool," Ron said cheerfully. "Feel free to poke around and make yourself at home. I'm going to wash up and get ready for bed."

Gwen nodded absently as she looked around, getting a feel for Ron from what his apartment looked like.

She noticed he had a Christmas tree up even though it was March, though the tree was obviously fake as it was still green, had lights twinkling on it, and a good sized pile of presents sitting around it. A closer look showed the presents were for Rufus or Troy, whoever that was.

There was a good sized flat screen with one of the latest gaming systems attached to it. His movie and game collection were rather impressive as well.

Moving to the kitchenette, she stopped and stared. While the rest of the apartment looked like your average college student's, the kitchen area was absolutely spotless and while she wasn't even remotely a chef, she could recognize high quality, high priced cooking equipment when she saw it.

She smiled. She's been a big Kim Possible fan when she'd been active, imagining herself as the red haired teen heroine, even going so far as to make Ben play Ron, the unlucky but loyal sidekick who often ended up in nothing more than his boxers.

She blushed, thinking of the stories she'd written when she'd hit puberty. While entertaining, they certainly hadn't been realistic or even anatomically possible in parts. She'd also accidentally typed in Gwen rather than Kim half the time. It had been embarrassing when Ben had found them, and even more embarrassing when he'd done a complete find and replace, switching his name out for Ron's because he was 'far more cool' before reading them.

He had turned as red as her hair and had avoided her for a week. She still found that funny, even after all that had happened.

Pushing away thoughts of her deceased cousin, she focused on the present. She took off the I dream of Jeanie outfit she was wearing and picked up a flannel shirt off the back of the couch that looked long enough to serve as a nightshirt. Putting it on, it barely reached mid-thigh, but as long as she didn't raise her arms in mixed company it would be fine.

"Bathroom's open..." Ron offered, trailing off as he saw how she was dressed and had to force his eyes upwards. "I'll pull the couch out while you get ready for bed," he said recovering.

"Alright," Gwen replied, giggling at the effect she had on him.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Did the conditioning hold?" Dr Moon asked, already sure of the answer.

"Perfectly," Glaze replied. "Despite his reluctance to kill he really is a good agent, I'd have hated to lost him because of an excess of morals."

"Well his files state that he excels in sabotage, not assassination, so I'd advise keeping him in that roll," Dr Moon suggested, making a note on his data pad as they looked over the small city that was being built on the rocky ground surrounded by near impenetrable jungle.

"Not confident of your work Doctor?" Glaze asked, surprised.

"My work is fine," Dr Moon replied, "but you don't use a hammer to drive in screws, not do you use a screwdriver to chip ice. Every tool has its uses and every tool can be damaged by misuse."

"Fair enough," Glaze agreed. "Your work was subtle enough this time that he didn't even realize he went through the conditioning process and his behavior remains almost completely unchanged."

"He's still requesting a change to his code name despite the fact that it's considered a great honor to have Ra's al Ghul name you himself?" Dr Moon asked, amused.

"Just as we did," Glaze replied, amused as well.

"Randomly chosen code names are like that," Dr Moon agreed with a grin. "Earning a better name is a rite of passage."

"I think I'll let that bit slip before he buries me in requests," Glaze replied. "Good day, Moon Over Miami."

"And to you Glazed Ham," he replied with a grin as Glaze departed to find his subordinate, Bentan, the Japanese Goddess of Luck.

**Typed by : - Sitheus Maximus**

**AN: Almost time to start another Fragments file… if I can figure out what to name it.**


	71. Mother, Maiden, and Dude 3

**Mother, Maiden, and Dude 03**

**Part 1: YASEMF Chapter 06 **

**Part 2: YASEMF Chapter 65 **

Harry dove forward under the dragon fire, moving closer to the dragon herself. The sound struck him like a physical blow while the heat of the flames passing overhead actually caused the symbiote to pull away for a few seconds and the skin on his back to blister. The pain caused him to stumble, but the symbiote quickly covered his back once more, drawing away the heat and numbing the pain. He sprinted forward, covering the last couple of feet between him and the dragon before it had a chance to draw in another breath.

The crowd roared wildly, some cheering, some screaming, and all but a few convinced they were about to see the death of the Boy Who Lived.

The dragon tried to scramble back, unused to being charged at by anything, but wasn't fast enough as Harry leapt onto its chest and scrambled upwards and around to its back, the places where he's gripped it glowing wetly behind him.

The crowd watched in shock as Harry dodged the dragon's attempts to knock him off, neither her neck nor her tail flexible enough to reach him. Unable to roll over and squash him against the ground, because of the chains keeping her from flying off, she tried desperately to shake him off, but he somehow managed to stay on, if barely at times as he continuously scrambled about trying to improve his grip.

When the confused dragon seemed to pause to catch her breath and figure out what to do, Harry drew his wand and started casting, the familiar red of a stunner lighting up various patches of scales as she started trying to shake him off once more.

"Wasted magic," one of the dragon handlers said from his place near the stands, "it'll never penetrate her scales."

But it seemed he was wrong, as the dragon started stumbling about drunkenly as Harry continued, casting the same spell dozens of times a minute in a display of magical endurance that everyone watched in awe.

The ground shook as the dragon collapsed, throwing Harry from his perch, but in a display of rare agility, he flipped several times before landing on his feet and sliding backwards several meters.

The crowd leapt to its feet and cheered as he walked over to the nest and retrieved the golden egg.

"That was very impressive," Krum congratulated him as he joined the other three champions in front of the judges.

"That's putting it mildly," Cedric added.

"No, that was impossible," Fleur said, making Harry grin. "Not even Merlin could have stunned a dragon that way, no matter how many times he cast it. Plus, you're not even tired."

Cedric and Krum took a second look at Harry.

"I was not casting the standard stunner," Harry admitted, "and that's all I'll say on that topic."

"Whatever it was, it was impressive," Krum assured him.

"How did your attempts go?" Harry asked.

"Since you gave me such an easy way to pull it off I added a little flair using the doppelganger illusion while disillusioning myself," Cedric replied.

"It made an impressive show," Fleur said. "One moment everyone is sure you are dead and then when the smoke clears the dragon has missed you and there you stand, golden egg in hand, with no one quite sure what you had done. If I had known in advance how you'd performed I'd have worked harder to make my own more impressive as well."

"The casual use of transfiguration to raise a wall of stone, without even looking, while you were walking away was impressive all on its own," Cedric assured her. "The timing of it to catch the flame just in time, while you looked like you were out for an evening's stroll made it even more impressive."

Fleur chuckled, "It was pure luck, I was so relieved my plan had worked, I almost forgot."

"Better lucky than skilled," Krum quoted, "and better both than neither."

"How did you see each other's attempts, since we weren't allowed to watch?" Harry asked.

"The Ministry provides each of us with an omniocular recording of out event," Cedric explained, showing Harry his own. "Naturally we shared them. Take a look."

Harry watched Cedric and Fleur's before seeing Krum's, each of them grinning at his reaction. "That was some impressive flying," he told Krum, "as was the dome over the eggs."

"Everyone has earned a ten if not more," Krum said.

"Not only for skill, but for style," Fleur added.

"It'd be nice to see us all get perfect scores on this event," Cedric said.

"Sadly, I do not see judges being fair," Krum said.

"Prestige and pride will factor into the scoring," Fleur agreed.

"Want me to railroad them into it?" Harry asked, memories of Spiderman dealing with Jameson in public coming to mind.

"If you think you can do it, go right ahead," Cedric said, Krum and Fleur agreeing.

"The judges have conferred and are ready to score you now," Bagman announced, quieting the crowd and drawing attention to the champions once more.

Harry cast a quiet Sonorous on his throat before stepping forward. "That won't be necessary," he assured the surprised official. "The champions have conferred and upon review of each of our attempts, we're declaring a tie. Quite frankly we can't see why anyone could score each of our competitors with less than a perfect ten and if we can't, then expecting a fair and unbiased judge to is silly."

The crowd cheered loudly drowning out any possible response while the judges quickly conferred once more. It became obvious that three heads were in agreement with only the Ministry official that was replacing Crouch disagreeing. Finally Dumbledore made some covert sign to the other two heads and the all calmed down while waiting for the crowd to settle.

"What do you think?" Cedric asked Harry.

"Percy probably was ordered to score things a certain way by the Ministry," Harry replied.

"What can we do?" Fleur asked.

"Appeal our scores," Cedric said suddenly, causing the others to turn to him. "If he gives Victor a seven then we appeal the ten Karkoff scored us with so we get a seven. If we have to cheat to play fair, then I say we cheat."

"This plan I can get behind," Krum said with a smile.

"Hoist them by their own petards," Fleur agreed.

"I love the irony of it, I'm in," Harry agreed with a laugh.

"Our judges have conferred and are ready to announce the score," Bagman announced, looking a little nervous as he wondered what else could go wrong.

"Cedric Diggory of Hogwarts," Dumbledore announced before waving his wand, causing a ribbon to appear in the air before him which twisted into a ten.

"I agree," Madame Maxine said firmly, copying his actions.

Karkoff grudgingly nodded before waving his wand to show a ten as well.

Percy Weasley, as the Ministry representative, took out his wand and scored Cedric… a ten.

"A ten all across the board," Bagman called out to a round of cheers from the audience. "And next the score for Fleur Delacour from Beauxbatons," he added once the crowd had settled down once more.

Dumbledore raised his wand and another ten was produced to much applause.

Madame Maxine gave him a gracious nod before scoring her the same.

Kirkoff flicked his wand impatiently and case a ten as well, before the turned to Percy Weasley to see what he scored Fleur.

Percy waved his wand and a five appeared. The audience was split between applause and boos.

"I challenge!" Dumbledore announced.

"Seconded," Madame Maxine added.

"What?" Percy asked, confused.

"You should have read the rules more carefully Mr. Weasley," Dumbledore told him, shaking his head and giving him a disappointed look. "If two judges agree that a third has scored a champion unfairly they can challenge that judge to take the challenge themselves."

"What?!" Percy exclaimed in horror.

"It replaced trial by combat, which was deemed too barbaric," Karkoff explained, amused.

"And as you are technically the judge for Harry's 'school' that means you get to face the Hungarian Horntail as soon as its recovered," Dumbledore told him.

"You can't do this!" Percy exclaimed in horror.

"Actually I can think of at least nine legal ways I can," Dumbledore said thoughtfully, "however in this case I'm not, the Goblet of Fire is. By scoring the champions you are bound be the same contract that we are."

"Contract?" Percy asked nervously, wondering how much worse his situation could get but struggling to regain his composure.

"Indeed," Dumbledore said as the dragon handlers fled from a recovered and angry Horntail, "and while I'd normally love to educate you on the particulars I'm afraid we are out of time as the Goblet of Fire is going to –"

A circle of flame flared to life in front of the Horntail's enclosure before flaring out revealing a short, fat toad-looking woman in a pink cardigan who looked completely confused.

"Of course if you were following someone else's orders on how to vote then the contract wouldn't apply to you but to them," Dumbledore said thoughtfully.

Harry grinned as he saw Madam Umbridge and realized what was about to occur. "Dobby!" he called out.

***POP***

"You is needing Dobby, Master Harry Potter Sir?" the house elf asked eagerly, dressed in a neatly tailored black pillowcase with the Potter crest on it.

"Yes, I want you to make sure to get me a recording of that Ministry employee facing the dragon from multiple angles. Five if you can safely record from the air looking down, four if you can't!" he said eagerly.

"Dobby will do," Dobby said, vanishing with a pop.

"A tad bloodthirsty there aren't you?" Cedric asked, surprised.

"Given the choice between killing her or Voldemort… I'm not sure which I'd choose," Harry admitted.

"You're joking," Krum said.

"I don't think he's joking," Fleur said as Harry settled into a comfy chair with a bucket of popcorn and a bottle of butterbeer, a huge smile on his face.

**Typing by: Jarreas**


	72. Kicked in the side 1

**Kicked in the side 1**

"Ow! Let go of my ear!" The Trickster complained as a man in a harlequin outfit pulled him away from the controls for a wrecking ball that had been painted in Day-Glo colors.

"No," the man replied firmly, annoyance in his voice.

The Flash appeared in a blur of speed. "Not that I'm complaining, but why has your sidekick turned on you?"

"One, I'm not his sidekick, and two, he told me he was taking me to a costume party," Harlequin replied, glaring at the Trickster.

"We're all in costume, and I was planning on a lot of fireworks!" The Trickster swore.

"Is this some kind of lover's quarrel?" The Flash asked curiously.

"Don't be disgusting, he's my cousin!" The Trickster said, pretending to barf and shooting silly string all over the ground.

"Seriously?" The Flash asked. "Cause I am getting some serious Sidekick vibes from him."

"I know, right?" The Trickster said. "If there was ever anyone who should be a sidekick it's him!"

"Regardless, you promised a party, not a felony!" Harlequin growled. "This is my summer vacation. I want to see the US and have fun."

"But this is fun!" The Trickster exclaimed. "Flash, tell him this is fun!"

"Sometimes," The Flash admitted. "I mean, I get a kick out of all the puns and games, but it's still a crime."

"Ah-hah!" The Trickster said proudly. "This time it's totally legit!"

The Flash and Harlequin exchanged doubtful glances.

"Seriously, I filled out the paperwork and everything!" The Trickster whined.

"Paperwork?" Harlequin questioned.

"Yeah, see?" The Trickster said, pulling a stack of papers out of his pouch.

The Flash snatched up the papers, speed-read them, and returned them before they could blink. "He actually did get permission."

"What are we doing?" Harlequin asked, with a heavy sigh.

"The old bank is getting demolished to make room for a new mall," The Trickster explained. "I have all the applicable demolition skills and licenses, so I thought we'd knock over the bank together and get paid for it."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Harlequin admitted.

A scream came from inside the building, followed by a high pitched plea for rescue. The Flash and Harlequin turned to look at the Trickster.

"What? I had to do something to make it fun," The Trickster defended himself.

"A recording of you screaming like a girl?" Harlequin asked.

"You were going to lure me in before destroying the place, weren't you?" The Flash added, already knowing the answer.

"I planned on it," The Trickster agreed cheerfully. "I've got all these bombs placed with motion detectors on them, so every ten feet there's an explosion as you race through the building, having to calculate the best path to save the 'Damsel' and make the building collapse straight down so it doesn't damage the ones on either side."

"That is pretty simple," The Flash said as he eyed the five story brick building with a bit of interest.

"Yeah, but the path leads to the 'Damsel' which is dead center of the third floor, so you have to escape with the building falling around you," The Trickster pointed trying to entice him.

"That would be tricky," The Flash admitted, rapidly tapping his right foot as he considered how he would handle a situation like that.

"Throw bricks in front of you to run on," Harlequin suggested. "They only have to be in place as you step on them, like those bridges in Mario Brothers that fall apart as you run across them."

"I've never done that before," The flash said, clearly intrigued by the idea.

"Plus, I taped a fifty dollar gift card to Old Joe's Pizza to the tape recorder…" The Trickster trailed off as The Flash vanished and the building started exploding.

"What the hell?!" Harlequin exclaimed, shocked at The Flash's speed and the number of explosions simultaneously going off.

"He's a sucker for pizza," The Trickster replied smugly. "Now don't blink or you'll miss it!"

An explosion of bricks created a bridge between the roof of the building and a department store across the street from it. The bridge barely lasted a second before falling apart, the bricks falling to the ground below, only to be interrupted by a red blur before they could hit, catapulting them into the dust cloud of the collapsing bank.

"That was so cool!" Harlequin exclaimed as The Flash appeared in front of them.

"Took me a moment to get the timing right on the bricks," The Flash said cheerfully, "but it worked great."

"Easiest and most legal twenty grand I ever made," The Trickster said. "Wanna go for pizza?" he offered.

"I'm in," The Flash agreed instantly.

"Can I take the costume off now?" Harlequin asked hopefully, tugging uncomfortably at the skin tight outfit.

"You'll give away your secret identity," The Trickster warned.

Harlequin groaned. "I don't have a secret identity, I have a crazy cousin!"

A green arrow shot out of a nearby alley exploding into a net that caught The Trickster and slammed him into the crane. Harlequin barely dodged a second arrow, a red one this time, as he threw himself to the ground, leaping to his feet and stepping in front of the red net as it collapsed to the ground, with several additional arrows flying wide to the sides as he simply stood and waited.

"Arrow?" Flash called out curiously.

Green Arrow and his sidekick, Speedy, came out of the alley at a run, both focused on their chosen targets, though Green Arrow did spare enough time to reply, "Just giving you a hand."

"Watch the hands!" The Trickster complained, as he wriggled and squirmed, trying to avoid Green Arrows attempts to disarm him while he was wrapped in the net.

Harlequin leaned back, allowing Speedy's long bow to just miss hitting him in the temple, before side stepping a shoulder rush and leaping over a follow-up foot sweep.

"Need a hand there?" Green Arrow teased, as Harlequin evaded Speedy's every attempt to hit him.

"Except for being hogtied, this is pretty funny," The Trickster said, watching his cousin from the ground.

"They weren't committing any crime," The Flash pointed out, amused.

"What about the exploding building and Day-Glo wrecking ball?" Green Arrow asked in disbelief.

"Scheduled demolition and a sense of humor," The Flash replied, freeing The Trickster from the zip ties Green Arrow had used on him.

"Stand still!" Speedy growled out as he pulled a couple of small flash bombs and slammed them on the ground.

"Bite me!" Harlequin yelled, cursing as he was blinded by the flash, as he'd instinctively looked, and threw himself to the ground, this time to try and roll with a blow as Speedy clipped him in the side with his bow this time.

"Speedy, stand down," Green Arrow called out.

"But I got him!" Speedy complained as Harlequin was clipped by another swing of his bow, which he turned into a foot sweep putting Speedy on the defensive.

"In your dreams!" Harlequin snapped out.

"They aren't criminals," Green Arrow said.

"What?" Speedy asked, backing off while keeping an eye on Harlequin.

"This building was scheduled for demolition and I was giving them a hand," The Flash explained.

"And the costumes?" Speedy asked.

"I was feeling festive," The Trickster explained, rubbing at his wrists, openly amused at the entire situation.

"And him dodging most of my attacks?" Speedy questioned.

"It takes more than some low rent, leather boy, with a Robin Hood fetish to take me down," Harlequin replied, dusting himself off.

"Says the man in greasepaint and spandex," Speedy fired back.

"I was told I was going to a costume party," Harlequin replied through gritted teeth. "This is a costume, that is a lifestyle choice," he said, pointing at Speedy's outfit.

"Easy, easy," The Flash said, zipping in between the two. "No need for harsh words."

Harlequin shrugged. "I take people attacking me personally."

"You don't dodge like a civvie," Green Arrow noted curiously.

"I've had self-defense training," Harlequin replied, "it was mandatory in my high school for graduation."

"Must have been one hell of a program," Speedy muttered. "What was your ranking?"

"It was pass fail," Harlequin replied.

"Anyway!" The Trickster said loudly. "We were taking Flash out for pizza."

"You're needed on the Watchtower," Green Arrow told The Flash while Speedy retrieved their spent arrows.

"Cockblocked!" The Trickster complained.

"Cockblocked?" Harlequin repeated, raising an eyebrow. "Is there something you want to tell me, cuz?"

"Well…" The Trickster drawled out, fluttering his eyelashes.

"Nope! I'm outta here!" The Flash exclaimed, vanishing in a flash of light as he was teleported up to the Watchtower.

"Love triangle?" Speedy asked with a smirk.

Green Arrow pretended he hadn't heard. "What was that… Sidekick?" he asked innocently.

"Hey!" Speedy complained. "I'm not your sidekick, I'm your partner!"

"He's his _partner,_" Harlequin told the Trickster with an overly innocent expression and nod.

"Well, they do dress alike," The Trickster pointed out, "and you know how old married couples get."

Speedy groaned. "I knew I shouldn't have said that the moment it left my mouth." He tapped his ear piece and vanished in a burst of light.

"Wooo!" Green Arrow cheered. "Last Man Standing!"

"A-hem," The Trickster coughed.

"Last Hero Standing?" Green Arrow offered.

"While I could debate the point, I'm getting hungry," The Trickster said, "so I will accept credit for the assist and take my leave."

"Come on Giovanni," Harlequin said, "you promised me pizza and ice cream!"

"Come on man, I changed my name to Jesse years ago!" The Trickster complained.

"Sorry, my best friend had the name first and it died with him," Harlequin said, "so you're still Giovanni to me."

"What if I rig your boots to run on the air?" The Trickster wheedled.

"Then I would call you Trickster and various variations of that name," Harlequin replied as the pair walked off.

"Deal!" The Trickster exclaimed. "So, where are you headed to next?"

"I was planning on visiting Aunt Pam and investigating reports of a vampire lurking around her place," Harlequin replied.

"Do I know Aunt Pam?" Trickster asked as he turned off the alarm on his pink convertible caddie.

"Nah, she's on Dad's side," Harlequin replied. "So where are we going?"

"The Stacked Deck," The Trickster explained. "I'll introduce you to all the guys, you'll love it!"

"And the costumes?" Harlequin asked.

"It'll help you fit in," The Trickster assured him as he started the car.

"You're taking me to a super-villain hangout, aren't you?" Harlequin asked with a sigh.

"They have the best nachos," The Trickster tried to tempt him.

"Okay, in that case we have to go," the man dressed in a clown outfit said sarcastically.

"That's the spirit! Hi-ho, Silver. Away!" The Trickster called out as he floored it, the tires squealing as they sped off.

The Green Arrow shook his head. "This town gets crazier and crazier," he said before signaling for a teleport.

**Typed By : – Sitheus Maximus**


	73. Mulligan 1

**Mulligan 1**

Xander floated in a sea of light, a warm all encompassing joy that flowed through his soul and washed away all worries and care.

He was bored beyond all belief.

An angel appeared and fished him out of the water, holding him up by the ankle. "You're in heaven and yet all you want to do is float around in a wading pool and mope?" she asked as she stood on the water.

"Hi Angela," he said, smiling slightly as the slender brunette shook him a few times to get all the water off before translocating the pair to the pearly gates.

Saint Peter looked up from the book he was reading while he waited for his next entrant. "Ahh, Mr. Harris," he said with a cheerful smile, "I've noticed you haven't been adapting well to heaven."

"I've noticed that too," Xander agreed, as the angel dropped him on his head, while she remained hovering several feet above him. He landed with an unnecessary 'ooof' as the ground was composed of fluffy white clouds and laid there staring up at her. "I can see right up your toga," he told her. "I didn't know angels went for the full Brazilian."

Angela blushed and vanished, her smile shining in the air for several seconds after she'd left.

Saint Peter sighed and shook his head. "Mr. Harris, please stop gendering the angels, it's confusing them and interfering in their jobs."

"Heaven is perception and that's simply what I see," Xander replied, "besides, I don't see how it hurts anything."

"It's not hurting anything," Saint Peter assured him, "what it's doing is encouraging angels to transubstantiate and become human. In the last six months, two of the angels assigned to you have gone to Earth and became mortals."

"And that's a problem?" Xander asked.

"Normally it's two a decade," Saint Peter explained, "gives us plenty of time to train replacements and set everything up, you know: moral challenges, true love, demonic interference."

"My bad," Xander said, realizing he was being a bit of a pain from the sound of things and making their jobs harder than they needed to be.

"Yes, well, in the hopes of improving things I've gotten permission to send you back," Saint Peter told him, causing Xander to sit up.

"What?" Xander asked, unable to believe what he just heard.

"You died too early, that's why you are so... disruptive," Saint Peter explained. "So to correct the situation, I've gotten approval to send you back."

"Wasn't I... exploded?" Xander reminded him, recalling having been at ground zero of a rather large explosion.

"Yes, which is why I'm going to send you to an earlier point in a timeline where things went drastically wrong," Saint Peter explained. "You need a challenge, so you aren't just coasting along like you are here."

"How far back are we talking?" Xander asked curiously.

"Near the end of high school so you have plenty of time to fix things to your satisfaction," Saint Peter replied.

Xander climbed to his feet. "I like that idea! What do I need to do?"

"Go get your memory adjusted so you don't mope about how cold and dark life is," Saint Peter said.

"Remembering heaven makes you emo?" Xander guessed.

"For mortals," he agreed.

"Ok, anything else?"

"You could put on pants," Saint Peter suggested.

Xander put his hands on his hips and stated firmly, with Saint Peter speaking it with him, "IF you have to put on pants, it's not heaven."

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander awoke and immediately knew something was wrong. For one thing, he didn't have a pulse and for another there was a demon yammering in his skull. It took a couple of minutes before his memories started flooding back and when they did he groaned. His personal history in this life was a nightmare! He'd been turned by Angelus, ensouled by Willow, and only Dawn's ceaseless efforts to keep his spirits up had kept him from putting Angel to shame with his brooding. He was practically Angel 2.0 and rightfully blamed Willow for his current state.

He thought about everything that was coming and what he could do to change things. "I need a shovel, a pickaxe, and some blood, I'm starvin," Xander muttered as he got up and looked around.

The demon inside him was so surprised by the change in attitude he quieted down.

Humming cheerfully, Xander got three packets of blood from the minifridge and grabbed his coffee mug to heat one of them up in. Poking through his closet, he found he was hard pressed to find anything that didn't look like something Angel would wear.

"Well, I am going to be digging," Xander muttered, before picking out a dark red silk shirt and some black slacks. After dressing he quickly downed the blood, feeling new strength flow through him as he'd been starving himself before.

He went to check himself out in the bathroom mirror and chuckled as he realized how ridiculous that was.

With a spring in his step, he left his crypt, locking the metal gate behind himself.

The demon Alexander was completely confused, but having been well fed and not forced to listen to country music, decided to remain quiet. Whatever the soul Xander had planned was better than moping in the dark, listening to country music.

The light burn of fading daylight was ignored as Xander walked to the Summers' residence, trying to ignore the way Sunnydale residents instinctively avoided him.

He knocked on the front door and waited.

"Xander?" Joyce asked, surprised to see him up this early or looking so pink and cheerful.

"In the flesh, cold and dead though it may be," he joked.

"You haven't gone evil again, have you?" Joyce asked cautiously.

"No more than usual," Xander replied with a shrug. "I've still got my soul as it requires a perfect happiness to break the curse and my moment would require me having a pulse again."

"Sorry," she apologized, stepping back so he could enter the house. "I know it's hard on you."

Xander waved it off. "It's hard on all of us, just a bit harder on me personally," he told her. "Anyway, I'm here for your daughter."

"Buffy is at the school library with Mr. Giles and the others," Joyce said. "She left early saying she had to go over their plans for the weekend."

"I'm not here for Buffy. Dawn has worked hard at keeping me from brooding, so as a reward I thought I'd take her treasure hunting," Xander replied. "Speaking of, do you perchance have a shovel I can borrow?"

Joyce laughed before realizing he was serious. "Treasure hunting?"

"A plethora of gold and jewels," Xander said. "I have to dig through about three feet of earth and stone and I wanted to include Dawn because I thought she'd get a kick out of it even if we didn't find anything," he explained.

"Xander!" Dawn exclaimed, interrupting the two as she had come downstairs to see who had knocked and had just spotted him.

Knowing what was coming, he turned and opened his arms, catching the airborne brunette easily. "Morning Dawnie! Wanna go grab a burger and then dig for buried treasure?"

"I'd love to!" Dawn enthused. She turned to her mother. "Mom, can I?"

Joyce smiled at seeing Dawn look so happy. She'd been inconsolable when Xander had died, only recovering when she found out that Willow had ensouled him just like Angel had been. Since then her mood tended to fluctuate depending on several factors, one of which was Xander's mood. "Is it safe?" Joyce asked.

"As safe as Sunnydale ever is," Xander replied. "Which means we'll take some precautions just in case. Holy water, crosses, and stakes are always in style in Sunnydale."

Joyce smiled. "A very sensible attitude."

"If I can borrow the car, we can make it even safer," Xander added hopefully.

"Do you have a license?" Joyce asked before wincing as she realized what she'd asked, reminding him of another thing that separated him from humanity.

Xander just waved it off as well, much to Joyce and Dawn's relief. "The police won't pull me over and I'm a much safer driver than Buffy."

"I don't think anyone can argue with that," Joyce admitted, retrieving the spare keys for her SUV from the key rack by the door.

"I need to change," Dawn decided, but Xander wouldn't let her down.

"Burgers and digging do not require formal wear," he told her. "If we find the treasure, then we can dress up and smirk at the gang."

Dawn giggled. "Ok, fine. I guess jeans and a T-shirt are ok for now."

"So would you like a burger and fries or fries and a burger?" Xander asked as he accepted the keys from Joyce.

"I think... fries and a burger," Dawn decided as he carried her out.

"An excellent choice," Xander agreed.

Joyce smiled as she closed the door. Even with all the changes he'd gone through, Xander remained the same teenage boy at heart.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Blech!" Dawn said, making a face.

"I did tell you that wasn't ketchup," Xander said, amused.

"I know, but I'm out of ketchup," Dawn said.

"Suit yourself," Xander said, knowing she was dipping her fries in his blood so he'd be less self conscious about it. He tried not to show how much it meant to him, but was pretty sure she knew.

"So where are we digging?" she asked curiously.

"A recent excavation at Sunnydale community college," Xander replied cheerfully.

"So we're stealing their treasure?" Dawn asked with a frown.

"Not at all," Xander assured her. "They are building a new dorm and are simply really close to where we need to dig."

"Ok," Dawn said, mollified.

"Ready?" Xander asked.

Dawn collected all the trash and threw it away. "Ready," she agreed. "Is this going to be dangerous?"

"Should be a cake walk," Xander replied with a shrug, wondering why his demon felt like it was laughing at him.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Ahh!" the pair screamed as they saw a tunnel absolutely filled with spider webs and spiders.

"Do something!" Dawn demanded.

Xander shoved Dawn in front of himself. "I'm old and stringy, take her she's young and succulent!"

Dawn turned to Xander. "Aren't I little flat for that?"

"Flat for what?" he asked, ignoring the spiders for the moment.

"You said I was succulent, but my breasts aren't all that big," Dawn replied, looking down her shirt.

"Succulent means juicy," Xander explained. "Busty, well built, and stacked all mean big breasted."

"Well, you could see where I'd get confused," Dawn said, "because I've heard guys talk about succulent breasts and they were usually talking about some very gifted individuals."

"That's perfectly understandable," Xander said. "Wanna go back to panicking about the spiders now?"

"Don't you have some mystical vampire mind whammy that could take care of them?" Dawn asked.

"I wish," Xander muttered. "No, while I did gain a mental power, it has nothing to do with insects."

Dawn pulled out a lighter and flicked it. "Plan B it is then."

"Why are you carrying a lighter?" Xander asked.

"Because evil is flammable," she replied, lighting a web on fire.

"As are a lot of things, like me," Xander pointed out as the flames spread.

"Think we need a fire extinguisher?" she asked nervously as the heat drove them back.

"Nah, I can just throw shovelfuls of dirt on anything that's still smoldering," he assured her as the initial flare up began to die down, the webbing burned away.

"I should have asked before I did that," Dawn said, "sorry."

"It's no big deal," Xander told her. "It caused no real damage and didn't alert anyone to our presence, so it's fine."

"Spiders!" came a faint voice from above followed by a great deal of screaming, letting them know where the spiders had evacuated to.

"But we should hurry anyway and pretend this never happened," Xander said quickly, rushing forward to extinguish the few remaining bits of flame.

"Gotcha," Dawn agreed, following him with the wheelbarrow.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"It's been quiet," Buffy reported to Giles. "Bunch of spiders at the college, but no vamps."

"Most of em are probably laying low after the whole Slayer hunt," Faith offered. "Pretty sure there were some pretty big names we tanked."

"That would account for a drop in hostile demons," Giles agreed, making Faith smile, though she quickly hid it.

"I'm just glad it's a bit safer," Willow said.

The doors to library opened revealing Xander and Dawn dressed to the nines and wearing jewelry that wouldn't have been out of place on royalty.

"Evening peasants," Dawn said with a smile so wide it hurt as she hung off of Xander's arm in a turquoise ball gown, a tiara holding back her hair.

"Looks good," Oz offered.

"Did you rob a costume shop?" Faith asked.

"It's all real," Dawn assured them happily.

"My word!" Giles exclaimed in shock while Faith and Buffy examined the pair closely.

"Where'd you get all the bling?" Faith asked.

"Treasure hunt!" Dawn exclaimed with a grin, squeezing Xander's arm and enjoying the jealousy she saw in Buffy's eyes.

"We had some spare time, so me and Dawn decided to go treasure hunting," Xander said. "We appear to be prodigies."

"Seriously?" Faith asked.

"Seriously," Dawn agreed.

Oz gave Willow a squeeze as she watched Xander, but made no move to talk to him. Xander had been quite clear that it was only their former friendship that prevented him from killing her for turning him into the thing he hated the most, the last time she'd spoken to him.

"How are you wearing a cross?" Faith demanded as she noticed Xander's necklace.

"What?" Buffy examined Xander's jewelry a little closer. "How are you wearing that?"

"It's a secret I don't feel like sharing," Xander replied. "Don't go making guesses either. The last thing I need is vamps hunting me for the secret."

"Does it involve more than being immune to holy items?" Giles asked suspiciously.

"I've said all I plan on saying," Xander replied. "But seriously, I can think of at least three ways off the top of my head to keep holy items from burning vamps. Hell, I can think of several ways to make a vamp resistant, if not completely immune, to sunlight."

"I call bullshit," Faith said.

"Indirect sunlight doesn't really hurt vampires and illusionary magics can bend light," Xander replied. "Tie the spell to a broach and have it bend the sunlight around the vamp while allowing the indirect light to illuminate as normal. A side effect would be a lack of shadow, but it'd work."

"That... I have to look some things up," Giles said, quickly vanishing into his office.

"I... I could make a broach like that," willow said desperately, looking hopefully at Xander.

"I don't need one," Xander replied, surprising the group who'd expected him to ignore her as usual.

"Not mad at her anymore?" Buffy asked hopefully. While she'd understood the source of Xander's anger, she'd come down firmly on Willow's side of the group divide.

"Not as mad," Xander said. "I'm no longer afraid I'll attack her out of anger, but I'm still a long way from happy."

"That was a possibility?" Buffy asked, surprised.

"You have no idea," Xander said, Dawn turning and hugging him tightly. "The demon I'm being forced to share headspace with, happily magnifies all my negative emotions and encourages my bad ideas. So yeah, one of the reasons I avoided Willow was so I wouldn't kill her."

"I can see that," Faith said as she considered Xander's point of view.

"So what changed?" Buffy asked.

"Much as Dawn has told me day in and day out since I was turned," Xander said with a genuine smile and a squeeze for the young brunette, "sitting around moping for centuries is a waste of time. If I want things to be different I have to change things myself."

"Get off your ass and stop being a putz?" Faith guessed.

"I think I phrased it better, but yeah," Dawn agreed.

"So I listened and I decided to use my brain to figure out a way around this pesky vampire thing," Xander explained. "I've seen enough to know that nearly anything is possible, so I'm going to see if I can find some mojo to bring me back to life rather than mope about being dead."

"I don't think anything like that exists," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I mean, if there was, we'd have heard about it by now."

Xander snorted. "How many vampires have you ever heard of who wanted to become human again?" he asked sarcastically.

"Just Angel," Buffy admitted.

"Exactly, and he spent most of his time being useless," Xander replied. "Ampata drained the life out of people, which is far from ideal, but shows you can transfer life-force between people to restore a corpse to life."

"What, so you plan to just go around eating people?!" Buffy demanded.

"You're an idiot," Dawn said, shaking her head.

"What's the kinder gentler version?" Oz asked, playing peacemaker.

"Gather a thousand people and pay to drain them one percent of their life force," Xander replied. "This is just a rough idea, but it's possible."

"Give us another one," Faith said.

"Body switching is possible, so find a coma patient who is not going to wake up because they died even though science revived their body and is keeping it alive," Xander offered.

"Don't they have problems doing stuff?" Buffy asked, recalling Amy's mom switching bodies when she first arrived.

"They had problems doing gymnastic routines, not day to day stuff," Xander replied. "Anyway, that's just two ideas off the top of my head that could work. I'm pretty sure with a little work I can find some way that isn't morally offensive."

"What about the happiness clause?" Buffy asked. "Won't that break it?"

"Being human would break the curse, but if I'm alive, I don't need a curse to keep my soul in place," Xander replied.

"If Dawn doesn't happy the soul out of you first," Faith teased, gesturing to how Dawn was still snuggled into his side.

"No making him happy!" Buffy exclaimed. "You're way too young!"

Xander rolled his eyes while Dawn laughed. "My happy is different than Angel's happy."

"So you could be having sex and we'd never know!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Just because I'm a vamp does not mean my stance on corpse fucking has changed," Xander said bluntly.

"So the age isn't a problem?" Dawn asked hopefully.

"The age difference is less of a problem than the corpse thing," Xander told her, "and the age thing will sort itself out as you get older."

"You still think I'm going to change my mind," Dawn said with a grin.

"Not quite as sure as I used to be," Xander admitted, "but as long as you're still my friend, I'll be happy."

"Dracula is said to have no shadow when seen in sunlight," Giles announced, coming out of his office, carrying a leather bound tome.

"That was one of the clues that made me think of that," Xander told him.

"If you do come back to life, you'll be younger than you think," Dawn told Xander. "You haven't been aging since you died."

Xander laughed. "I'll be a couple of months younger, not a couple of years."

"It's a start," Dawn replied with a smirk on her lips.

Xander pushed down a laugh, knowing Dawn was playing it up to bug her sister.

"How much did you two score?" Faith asked.

"Enough to buy a place and move out of the cemetery," Xander replied. "And speaking of moving, how much would you charge me a week to guard my place during the day?"

Xander knew what Faith was having to do to make ends meet and keep a roof over her head, and it was one of the major factors that contributed to her joining the mayor, so he figured he could start fixing that problem as well.

"I gotta sleep sometime," Faith pointed out.

Xander nodded. "Yeah, I know. I'm basically offering room and board, if that's the right phrase, for you to create and maintain a threshold, plus beating up anyone who breaks in."

"Just sleep?" Faith asked suspiciously.

"You still got a pulse?" Xander asked sarcastically.

"Oh yeah," Faith said, perking up as she realized he wouldn't be trying to bed her.

"So, anything interesting going on?" Dawn asked.

"It's pretty dead out," Buffy said, kicking her box of band candy under the table so Dawn wouldn't raid it, while Xander and Faith bargained on wages.

"How did you get here without getting robbed?" Willow asked, her eyes drifting over to Xander every few seconds.

"Mom lent us the car," Dawn said.

"What? She won't even loan me the car," Buffy complained.

"I'm a better driver than you," Dawn replied, deciding to see how long she could keep Buffy arguing before she realized Joyce would never loan Dawn the car without having at least taken Driver's Ed.

"What kinda place we lookin at?" Faith asked.

"A boat of some kind," Xander replied.

"Vampires are severely weakened the more time they spend over water," Giles pointed out.

Xander grinned.

"You believe you have some way around it," Giles guessed.

"And even if it weakens me while I sleep, I'll accept that in exchange for it weakening any vamps that bust in while not affecting Faith at all," Xander replied. "But seriously, I know how to avoid being weakened."

"Vampires aren't creative," Oz noted thoughtfully.

"That is one of their biggest flaws," Xander agreed, recalling late night conversations on the subject with Willow. "It's why they mostly make all the same quips and fight with the same style, depending on bloodline."

"Bloodline?" Oz asked, seeing how desperately Willow wanted to.

"I've noticed that," Faith said thoughtfully. "I thought it was more of a regional thing though."

"That's because vamps from different bloodlines rarely get along all that well, so they have a tendency to destroy one another," Giles offered.

"Like strains of bacteria," Willow said aloud, before covering her mouth.

"Exactly," Xander said, not looking at Willow. "Creativity is something souls seem to radiate but demons just mimic."

"So now that you're not being all depressed and pulled your head out of your ass, you're getting a lot of ideas," Faith guessed.

"I also read a lot to distract myself from my head being up my ass," Xander agreed with a grin, making Dawn and Faith laugh. Willow even smiled as she bit her lip to keep from speaking.

"It's good to see you in a better mood," Giles said, cleaning his glasses to avoid getting emotional.

"You'll have room on the boat for me to visit, right?" Dawn asked Xander.

"I plan on getting a good sized boat," Xander promised, "possibly a barge with a house on it, since I won't be using it to go to sea or anything."

"It'll be safer for you to visit him too," Buffy said brightly. "Even during the day, I wasn't really happy with you going into the cemetery."

"Another good point," Xander agreed.

"Can you give me a hint about how you can make staying on water safer for yourself?" Giles asked.

Xander shook his head. "I'd rather not share knowledge that can make vampires stronger. The less said aloud, the less risk of it getting around."

"A very good point," Giles agreed.

"I do have them occasionally," Xander said cheerfully. "And here's another one. Why don't we move our nightly meetings to someplace vampires can't attack en masse as they've done so many times before?"

"The books and weapons are here," Buffy offered lamely.

"They can be moved or duplicated," Xander said.

"That would be expensive..." Giles voice trailed off as Dawn and Xander grinned, each waving a king's ransom in gold and jewels. "You are springing for the pizza from now on," Giles said seriously.

"Once I have my place set up for us to meet at," Xander agreed readily.

"Deal!" Giles exclaimed, holding out a hand to shake, much to everyone's amusement.

'One good thing about having major changes occur long before I arrive is that I literally can't rely on my knowledge of the future or avoid making changes, so I can do anything I want,' Xander thought to himself as he shook Giles' hand.

The demon Alexander quietly listened to Xander's thoughts, wondering what was going on and when the soul had been driven insane. He'd have liked to plot against it, but plotting against someone you're sharing headspace with was a lesson in futility. 'Hopefully he's the violently insane type,' Alexander thought to the both of them and was gratified to catch glimpses of massive amounts of violence in the memories it triggered.

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**

**AN: Rig the deck as much as possible as quickly as possible!**


	74. Not Donkey Kong 3

**Not Donkey Kong 3**

**Yet Still Even More Fragments! Chapter 12 : Part 1**

**Yet Still Even More Fragments! Chapter 53 : Part 2**

"Only two left," Xander said as he looked around at the bizarre scenery and remaining monsters.

"Yeah, but the catgirl is on a small floating rock and on yellow," Dawn pointed out, "so I can't blast her with fire and we can't get her to move off it."

"I'm looking at a little girl with a large handgun heading this way," Xander said nervously. He was trying to pretend it didn't scare him, but guns were serious business; you couldn't dodge a bullet.

"Look for a yellow square!" Joyce ordered him, hands tightening on her axe.

"None close by," Xander said as the girl moved closer. "I'm going to have to settle for green."

Dawn raised her staff and cursed. "I can't reach her from here with my magic," she admitted. "I'll have to move closer."

"Stay right where you are!" Xander and Joyce ordered.

The little girl raised her gun and fired, a bolt of fire slamming into Xander and blistering his skin.

"Fuck that hurts!" Xander cursed, relaxing a little as his wounds faded and the pain lessened. He ran forward and leapt up onto a ledge that was closer to the elfin eared girl, grinning as he saw it was a yellow square.

"What are you doing?!" Dawn yelled, concerned.

"Yellow square!" Xander called back. "She can shoot me all she likes now."

"Special attack: Welcome to the Jungle!" the girl cried out, rising up in the air, duplicates of her appearing until Xander was completely surrounded by hovering girls who immediately opened fire, raining down an apocalyptic wave of fiery destruction.

Dawn and Joyce held their breath as they waited for the smoke to clear and sighed in relief as Xander appeared completely unharmed.

The gun wielding girl vanished in an explosion of sparks, several drifting over to the group and vanishing.

"One left," Joyce noted as Dawn rushed over to Xander and checked him over, practically dragging him to a green square to heal any remaining damage.

"I'm fine, I promise," Xander said as Dawn hugged him tightly.

Joyce walked over to the pair, wondering when they'd notice that the remains of their clothing had finally given up the ghost and fallen off. As the pair stiffened, she suppressed a grin and wished she had a camera, because this was definitely something to put in the photo album... from the neck up anyways.

"Um..." Xander trailed off.

Dawn's eyes widened as she wiggled a little. "Yeah," she agreed, trying not to smile.

Xander's eyes darted over to Joyce and focused on the axe, making her roll her eyes. "No, I won't get mad at you for natural physical responses that you have no control over. Please give me more credit than that."

"Sorry," Xander apologized, "just didn't expect to be in this situation... ever."

"Good," Dawn said.

After a minute, Joyce asked, "Sooo... should I look for an out of the way spot to give you two some privacy?"

Xander and Dawn leapt apart, discovering new shades of red while Joyce finally lost it and burst out laughing so hard her bra came apart.

"Mom!" Dawn groaned out, trying to cover a glance at Xander that ended up a little longer than she'd intended, before she noticed where Xander was looking and reached out and turned his head back in her direction.

"Sorry," Xander apologized again before forcing his gaze away from Dawn.

"Hey, your stretch marks are gone!" Dawn told her mother.

"So they are," Joyce said. "I'm also a little perkier as well."

"Not looking!" Xander said, spinning around.

"I am," Dawn said as she took a good look at Xander's backside.

"Me too," Joyce added with a laugh. Despite their situation or possibly because of it, she felt years younger and was pretty sure she looked it too. "Reminds me of my first visit to a nudist colony. Just relax and eventually you'll get used to it."

"You went to a nudist colony?" Dawn asked in surprise.

"It was a big thing in the seventies," Joyce replied. "Everyone who was part of the scene went to one so they could brag about it."

"And in a complete change of subject," Xander said, "we've got one monster left. Any ideas?"

"Not really," Joyce said, spinning the axe in her hands and looking around.

"If this is some sort of magical test there is usually a puzzle to solve," Xander said, keeping his back to them.

"Like in a fairy tale?" Joyce asked.

"A lot of that stuff turned out to be based on real events," Xander explained, "ask Giles if you want to know the details."

"Then I'm guessing it has to do with those little crystal pyramids," Dawn said.

"I didn't notice those," Xander said, looking around for the nearest one.

"There's only one to a color," Joyce noted.

"So... add another to a color or switch out one already there?" Dawn asked.

"Let's try adding one first," Xander said.

"If they are the source of the effects on the colored section then putting the pyramid from the red on the gold would take out the catgirl," Joyce guessed.

"I'd remove the gold one's pyramid first, cause I don't know that it wouldn't do the reverse and hurt us," Dawn said.

"That's a plan," Xander said decisively. "Now let's see if we can move these things."

"I see the gold," Dawn said. "That pyramid has a gold tinge," she said gesturing with her staff to a pyramid next to a lone tree.

"And the one on red has a red tinge," Xander noted moving forward and hopping off the ledge. As he bent down and dug his fingers under it and lifting it over his head. "Ow," he said with a wince. "Holding it is not good."

Dawn quickly lifted the gold one and set it on a colorless patch of ground. "Set it on gold and get to green."

Xander quickly did as she'd ordered, sighing as the pain went away.

"It's working," Dawn said excitedly as the catgirl winced and looked weakened, her fur falling off in clumps.

"Fairy tales usually have three tests," Joyce said.

"Well I think this one is solved," Dawn said as the catgirl burst into a cloud of sparks.

A strange trilling sound filled the air and the three became aware of the exact condition of each other in great detail. Reeling from the sudden knowledge, they heard the jingling of coins like a slot machine paying out and they suddenly knew a warehouse was available, an extra dimensional storage space they all had access to that currently held three thousand five hundred and sixty three silver coins, a sword and a necklace.

"You know basic elemental spells and some healing ones," Joyce said in shock as she looked over at Dawn.

"And you are best suited for an axe," Xander told Joyce with a grin.

"As are you, or a gun," she replied thoughtfully.

"Sword and staff," Dawn said with a happy smile.

"Put on the necklace," Xander told Joyce.

"Alright," she said, the necklace suddenly appearing on her. "Wow, that does feel powerful."

"A door's appeared," Dawn said, pointing to a free standing wooden door on the side of the island.

"Ready for round two?" Xander asked.

"Take the axe, I'm more suited to swords than you are," Joyce told Xander.

Xander accepted the axe, feeling a lot more confident with it in his hands as Joyce pulled the sword out of the warehouse.

"It's named Sharp Edge," Joyce noted, giving it a few practice swings with a bit of skill. "I think I like it."

"Now we're ready," Dawn said. She winced as she felt another cramp. "Lingering aches and poisonous barbs, festering wounds and faded scars, unweave from flesh and spirit bar, by my invocation: Lesser Restoration!"

Joyce and Xander turned to stare at her as a sparkling corona of lights surrounded her for a moment.

"What magic was that?" Joyce asked.

"The lowest level of spell that removes persistent conditions and ailments," Dawn explained with a smile, "and in this case, cramps."

"That cost very little of your magic," Xander noted as he concentrated on their connection.

"This is almost better than being able to blast things," Dawn said.

"Let's hope the next test has pants," Xander said.

"Speak for yourself," Dawn said sticking out her tongue and wiggling her eyebrows at him in a much better mood now that her cramps were gone.

"Nudity is more pleasant when people aren't trying to kill you," Joyce pointed out, amused.

"I'll go first," Xander said as he approached the door and reached for the doorknob.

Dawn rushed over and grabbed his other hand. "We'll go together," she said firmly.

Joyce grabbed Dawn's free hand. "All for one."

"And one for all," Xander conceded as he grabbed the knob and turned it.

Reality shuddered and de-rezzed like a Japanese Porn mosaic before stabilizing, leaving the three standing in the center of another island, much like the last one, but with a larger assortment of creatures and bits of castle architecture scattered about, like so many discarded legos.

"Second verse, same as the first," Dawn said.

"Not quite," Joyce disagreed," this time we're armed, know what we're doing, and we have a goal."

"Find a gold square and steal everything we can," Xander agreed. "Last time we had to put more effort into staying alive than gathering resources, this time as you pointed out, we know what we're doing so we can take our time and grab anything that may be useful."

"Find gold surrounded by red," Dawn suggested.

"That would probably kill them too fast, but we have twenty three of them to practice on," Joyce said.

Dawn moved to a gold square and then winced. "Aw, feels like red!"

"The pyramids are in different spots," Xander said, "The red tinged one is on gold this time."

"Where's the green, do you see it?" Joyce asked as she saw a pair of young girls with wings and carrying bows approach.

"On blue," Xander said, moving forward to draw fire.

"Found it!" Joyce said, grabbing Dawn's hand and dragging her to a line of four blue squares wedged in between a line of gold and green.

"I'm not that injured," Dawn complained, "it just made me a bit nauseous again."

"Better safe than sorry, especially around here," Xander said.

"Alright," Dawn agreed, pushing aside her irritation as she knew they had a point and that her hormones were making her a tad more aggressive than she'd normally be.

"Fuck!" Xander cursed as a pair of arrows made out of light hit him, taking nearly a third of his health.

"Blue to your left," Joyce called out anxiously, "it's right next to the green pyramid."

"Furnace glare and shadows churn, time's sped as the lights shift red: Celestial Flare!" Dawn screamed out, fire falling from the heavens to encompass the two Angels as Joyce rushed over to help Xander.

The flames faded away revealing one heavily damaged angel. "Blast of the fallen, Hell comes callin': Apocalypse Strike!" he called out, shooting an arrow straight up, a slight whistling sound was heard as it came back down trailing fire, the explosion as it hit Xander even greater than Dawn's last spell, but somehow contained in the green square Xander stood on.

Dawn and Joyce both felt Xander's health drop to zero before the fire died out, leaving a hole in their group that their newfound ability wouldn't let them ignore, a gaping point where someone they cared for used to be.

Joyce lashed out with her sword, her form blurring as she appeared briefly on the other side of the angel before leaping back to where she'd started, the angel exploding into a cloud of sparks.

Dawn rushed over to stare at where Xander had just stood, staring at the empty space with tears running down her face. Joyce didn't know what to say and before she could come up with something, Dawn gave a yell of inarticulate rage and turned and tore the green pyramid from its place, flinging it onto a red square.

Joyce quickly scanned the area for approaching monsters, which sadly there was a lot of, but they were still far enough away that Dawn could take a moment to vent while Joyce pushed down her own tears, knowing she had to stay strong for her daughter.

"Blaze!" Dawn cast on the green pyramid that had failed to heal her friend in time.

Joyce winced, seeing their main source of healing go up in an explosion of flame, and then stared in shock as green flames exploded through the red sections, square by square, turning them green and exploding everything on them including a blue pyramid which caused an explosion twice as bright and caused blue fire to explode across the now enlarged green section, exploding the gold pyramid and doubling the explosive power once more.

The pair clung to each other as all the colored squares on the island went up in flames and they were deafened and blinded by the destruction.

The sound of a slot machine paying out sounded, as the two recovered enough to look around and see that there was not a colored square, pyramid, or creature left... and a brown door stood next to a stone fountain... waiting for them.

**TYPING BY: ...Abyssal Angel**

**TN: Methinks the added 'TYPING BY:' in all caps was a hint... someone seems to be getting tired of having to fill in who did the typing perhaps?**

**AN: Just a tad… I am lazy after all.**


	75. Fun Sized 1

**Fun Sized 01**

**A BtVS/Worm crossover**

"He needs to be removed from play," an angelic being decided.

"He needs to be crushed like a bug," a demonic presence added.

"Or I could open a portal and make him some other reality's problem… while making him the size of an ant," Whistler quickly suggested.

"Those whom the Gods would destroy they first make mad," a muse offered, causing many to look in her direction as the moderates among the Powers rarely spoke up.

"Portal, madness, and a side order of insect size," Whistler said. "Not a problem. I'll arrange for him to be shrunk down to the size of an insect, driven mad, and tossed through a portal."

"That is satisfactory," the demonic presence stated.

"The false Slayer will need to be removed as well, and another made to account for the absence of the chaotic one," one of the more neutral Powers noted.

"If you use the avatar empowerment by Janus to remove all traces of the Slayer from her, you can simply slot the false Slayer into the chaotic one's place," the muse suggested.

"Acceptable," came the chorus.

"If that's settled I'll get to it," Whistler said, teleporting out before he could be questioned on the exact details of what he had planned.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Normal slaying service has been restored," Buffy said with a smirk as the spell ended and Spike stumbled back holding the brown-haired wig that had been her hair just moments before.

Angel shrugged off the confused children and teens who has been dogpiling him when they were monsters. He smiled to see Buffy restored to herself but that smile vanished a second later.

Buffy punched Spike in the face and he blinked, "I thought you'd changed back," Spike noted with an evil grin as he grabbed her.

Xander instinctively brought up his rifle, causing Spike to use Buffy as a shield before he saw that Xander was holding a plastic toy.

"Sorry, Junior, looks like you're out of luck," the blonde vampire said cheerfully. "Well, I hate to eat and run, but – " Spike shifted into his game face and sank his fangs into Buffy's throat.

"No!" Xander yelled out in chorus with Angel and a horrified Cordelia Chase. He tried to run, even though he knew he'd be too late to save her, but found himself frozen in place as the world slowed around him, the sounds fading and air stilling until it was almost completely quiet. His eyes darted around in a panic as he stared at the frozen tableau around him, unable to move.

Whistler appeared in a flash of light and Xander unfroze. "Hey," the Balance demon began, but Xander didn't notice, his full attention locked on Buffy and Spike. He's shattered his plastic gun against the side of the vampire's head and was trying to gouge out the vampire's eyes before Whistler managed to get his attention. "I've stopped time," the demon pointed out.

"That would explain things," Xander said as he took a moment to recover while examining Spike for weaknesses. "And why?"

"As it stands, Buffy was going to die here and now," Whistler explained. "I'm a balance demon and not allowed to interfere for the most part, but I can exchange your life for hers. What do you say, she walks away a little lightheaded, I teleport Spike home, and you come with me?"

"I… I would accept that," Xander said. "Give me a second first? I want to say a few words even if they can't hear them."

"Sure, kid," Whistler said kindly.

Xander walked over to Angel. "You're scum and continue to be scum. I hope you accidentally stake yourself some night."

Whistler shook his head and tried not to laugh.

Xander returned to where Spike and Buffy were frozen together. "You could do a lot better than a walking corpse," he told her. "Take care of Willow for me… and Cordy too."

Xander walked to Cordelia. "Being surrounded by kiss-asses and sheep is no way to live. Try to be better."

"Ready?" Whistler asked.

Xander glanced around and spotted an abandoned pillow case filled with candy. "I'm good," he said as he reached in the bag for some candy.

"Good," Whistler said, tapping Spike on the forehead and making him vanish in a burst of light. He examined Buffy's savaged throat and winced. "That boy is a messy eater." The balance demon pulled a vial of glowing blue fluid out of his pocket and poured it into her wounds, the excess overflowing and running down her neck. "Once I restart time that will heal her right up."

The two vanished and everyone started moving again, Buffy trying to call out to Xander but only able to make a weak gargling sound as her throat healed.

Ignoring the confused and crying children, Cordelia joined Angel in making sure Buffy was alright. "I couldn't move but… I don't think I was frozen in time," Cordelia said, wrinkling her nose as she watched the tears in Buffy's throat close.

"Whistler like to exaggerate," Angel said as he patted Buffy on the back and helped her cough out the blood and gore that was blocking her throat.

"Xander!" she wheezed out.

"Gone," Angel told her, "I've never known Whistler to break his word, you were as good as dead until he made that deal."

"Xander's dead?" Cordelia asked softly, as if she couldn't believe it.

"A life for a life," Angel said. He may not have liked the teen and found him immature and annoying, but he admired his courage.

"How am I going to tell Willow?" Buffy asked before bursting into tears.

"Angel winced and tried to comfort her.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I'm still alive," Xander said in shock as he patted himself down, before glancing around at the endless sand around them.

"I'm not going to kill you," Whistler said, "I'm going to push you through a portal into another universe where you may die, but that's all up to you."

"Huh?" Xander asked.

"Your life in this dimension is over, but there's loads of universes, so you can pay for Buffy's life and still get a chance at living one yourself," Whistler explained.

Xander perked up. "I don't suppose you take requests?"

Whistler handed Xander a metal briefcase. "Sorry, no can do. Put this on."

Xander opened up the briefcase and froze in shock. "I'm going to Marvel?!" he exclaimed in excitement.

"Whistler chuckled. "I can't chuck you into any comic book universe you know about, but that outfit will help you fit in where I am sending you."

Xander was already halfway dressed in his new black and yellow outfit before he realized what Whistler had said. "I hope you mean I'm going to a superhero universe and you're not just dressing me for a costume party."

"That's the real deal, kid," Whistler assured him.

"Wow," Xander said as he pulled on the cowl and looked at things through the build-in goggles.

"Now for the massive overdose of Pym particles," Whistler said holding up a small tank of pressurized gas that he opened.

"Wait, what?!" Xander said as the tank hissed loudly and the world expanded around the two.

"I'm bending the rules as much as possible," Whistler told him as they shrank, "but I have to do these three things to you in a specific order."

"And shrinking me in one of them," Xander realized, as he stared around himself in wonder.

"The second is to drive you insane," Whistler added, "but they never said it had to be permanent."

Xander froze. "You're going to drive me insane?"

"It won't last for more than a couple of minutes," Whistler said, "just long enough to be able to say I'd driven you insane and threw you through a portal."

"What kind of insanity?" Xander asked curiously.

"Multiple personality disorder," Whistler said cheerfully as he leaned against a boulder that had been a grain of sand just seconds ago.

"Well, in for a penny, in for a pound," Xander said.

"That's the spirit!" Whistler said cheerfully as he brought out a bust of Janus and a piece of chalk. He smirked as he contemplated how he was going to use his own ability to alter his size in the future. 'Goodness may be it's own reward, but nothing says you can't help it along a little' the demon thought to himself.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

It had touched the host's mind, connecting her to all the invertebrates within an area defined by her mental strength, when it noticed an anomaly. The host has connecting to a fractured mind of her own species though its connection to a singular invertebrate species by use of a device.

Queries were sent out and replies received. A decision was made. A second host was chosen with minor links to associated concepts and data storage.

Both hosts shuddered and went still, their minds unable to sustain consciousness as their connections were completed.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Taylor winced and rubbed her temples, she could deal with the strange lights and sounds at the edge of her senses, she could even handle the nausea and weakness, but that little voice she kept hearing was going to drive her crazy… if not for the fact that she was pretty sure she was already crazy.

"Why am I hearing a voice in my head?" the voice asked, confused.

"You're not hearing a voice in your head, I'm hearing one in mine," Taylor complained.

"Great, I'm stuck on an alien world and I'm going nuts," the voice groaned.

"Alien world?" Taylor muttered.

"I'm surrounded by stiff rod-like protrusions that extend to a pretty tightly woven canopy overhead," the voice explained, "and the ground beneath my feet is unusually warm and spongy."

Taylor wriggled as she felt an itch near her waistband, but didn't want to expend the energy to scratch it.

"And the ground is unstable," the voice complained.

Taylor froze as a thought hit her.

"You are the ground," the voice realized.

"Yeah and don't head south," Taylor ordered.

"I don't remember shrinking… but then I don't remember anything right now," the voice in her head admitted, "but… this outfit doesn't seem to have a place to store anything anyway."

"Pym particles?" Taylor asked, just before a flood of information poured through her brain. "Ok…"

"You still here?" the voice in her head asked after a few seconds of stunned silence.

"Yeah," Taylor said, her thoughts racing excitedly but jumping in too many directions for the voice to make sense of. "If you are more than just a voice in my head and from the itch and sudden burst of knowledge I'm guessing you are, then the only explanation is that you're a projection."

"I'm a what?" the voice asked.

"You don't remember more than tinkering because you are a projection," Taylor explained, "I triggered in the locker, you're my power."

"I think I need the Cliff Notes," the voice in her head said slowly.

"I was stuffed in a locker filled with filth and bugs and left to die," Taylor explained with a shudder, "that caused my mind to snap and I triggered, gaining powers. I can hear your thoughts and was hit with a bunch of tinker data. You can't remember your past and as far as anyone knows telepathy is impossible, so you are either a projection or a split personality of mine… maybe both."

"I'm going to try and move out of your underwear, so we'll see which one I am," the voice thought firmly.

"Alright," Taylor said softly before biting her lips and trying not to wriggle as something small crawled across her skin.

"We've got light," an ant-sized figure said, his voice easy to hear, much to her surprise. "Built-in loudspeaker," he said, tapping his cowl.

Taylor smiled as the specs for his sound amplification system flowed into her mind and she understood it. "I have a projection," Taylor beamed. "What's your specialty?" she asked.

"Biochemistry, nanotechnology, quantum physics, robotics, cybernetics, artificial intelligence and entomology," he listed off.

"That's… a lot," Taylor said in awe. She hadn't really done any study of Tinkers, but it was a well-known fact that they usually had one area of specialty and in rare cases, two.

Leaping into the air a pair of wings unfolded from the back of his suit and he flew up to land on her pillow next to her head.

She reached over him and grabbed her glasses from the nightstand next to her hospital bed and put them on. She looked at the tiny figure and groaned. "I am such a pervert!"

"This, I've got to hear," he said, clearly amused. "How are you a pervert?"

"I put you in a skin-tight outfit, gave you broad shoulders, lots of muscles… and a large… bulge," Taylor admitted, blushing.

"He grinned widely. "Well, if I'm your projection then all I have to say is… thank you," the tiny figure replied. "I feel pretty good about myself and have no urge to drink."

"Urge to drink? Nevermind," Taylor said. "We need a name for you."

"Wasp," he replied.

"White Anglo-Saxon Protestant?" she questioned.

"He laughed and unfurled his wings, sending her reams of data on his costume and its capabilities.

"Oh!" she said, wide-eyed as she contemplated making a costume like that.

"Wouldn't work as well," he told her as she envisioned flying around. "I made this to work most efficiently at ant size."

Taylor sighed, disappointed. "I want to be a hero," she explained. "It'd be hard to do that if I can't make things in my size."

Wasp nodded. "I could knock you up a set of Titanium Man armor but the costs are in the millions. I suppose we've have to patent a few things first."

"Normal people can't reproduce Tinkertech," Taylor said. "Heck, they can't even maintain it."

"My stuff can be mass-produced," he assured her.

The door opened and she hissed, "Hide!"

Wasp dove into her hair as a balding, middle-aged man called out, "Taylor," and rushed to her side. Wasp tried to send calming thoughts as she told her father what was going on at school and what had happened to her.

Of course as details came out his mind drifted to thoughts of revenge…

**Typing by: Jarreas**

**AN: And here we come to the end of yet another collection. Hope you've all enjoyed the ride.**


End file.
